First Day
Regulus stared out the window at the building across the street. His new school, his new start, his new everything. He was not thrilled with the change- he had always hated it.
He hated change from different cutlery to different countries. Changing living spaces, moving schools, he had never done anything like it. So, it was change within change.
Regulus was not happy.
Despite this, he was ushered out the car and through the gates by his brother and his stupid hockey-player friend James Potter. Stupid, stupid stupid. Stupid how warm they made him feel, stupid how normal they made him feel, stupid how much better it was here.
He couldn’t help but think that he could’ve had this life so much sooner, could’ve missed so much pain, if only he’d had the balls then.
Sirius nudged him towards the front desk and began chatting animatedly to the receptionist, who, apparently, he knew quite well. Sirius turned to Regulus, beckoning him. He reluctantly stepped forward.
“Yeah- so what were the courses you wanted to do Reggie?” Sirius asked.
“English Lit and Lang, Latin and…” He frowned trying to remember his last one.
“Put him down for Figure skating.” James butted in quickly. Sirius nodded at the receptionist eagerly and by the time Regulus’ brain had scrambled up an answer, it was already done. He rounded on James angrily, hissing to him and prodding the boy angrily in the chest.
“What the fuck was that Potter? How dare you-“
He continued his reprimanding until Sirius arrived at their side. Regulus snatched the timetable and books from the boy’s hands and shoved him furiously.
“-the audacity you two have! I fucking told you I’m not doing Figure skating! Did you not see what happened last time I was on the ice?! Fucking idiots, mon Dieu!”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Sirius laughed, not sounding at all sorry as he stumbled away. James rubbed his chest and chuckled along with him, earning a lethal glare.
“We’re already getting you adjusted back to the ice,” He started, “so what’s the big deal about doing it at school? It’s not like it’s competitive-“
“Not competitive? Not competitive?! Have you ever fucking stood in the rink as a Figure skater? It’s always competitive you fucking snobby, oblivious little shit-“ Regulus bit out, barely restraining himself from bruising James’ face.
Sirius turned his brother away and began walking him down the corridor, sending a warning glance at James. ‘Stop winding him up you wanker’ his eyes pleaded. James shrugged and smirked, following them. Regulus was still grumbling about Figure skating and James’ comment when they arrived outside his classroom, scowling at each of them every few seconds as if to punctuate his point. James found it well…sweet. It was obvious he cared a lot about his sport, no matter how much he swore that he hated it.
“Your best friend is a fucking idiot.” Regulus informed Sirius bluntly, seemingly at the end of some sort of tangent. Sirius just barked out a laugh, looking at James and smirking.
“Yeah but guess which fucking idiot you share a Latin class with.”
“No.” Regulus growled, eyes widening in horror at the very thought as he glared at the bespectacled boy. James raised his hands in an attempt to calm him down.
“Come on, it won’t be that bad Reg.”
This did not work, only seeming to make him narrow his eyes and flare his nostrils in a magnificent display of fury. He seemed to struggle with himself before eventually just shaking his head in dismay.
“Lord help me…” He groaned, rubbing his temples and turning on his heel as he strode towards the classroom.
“Bye Reggie!” Sirius called, turning heads as his brother lowered his own, ears turning pink. He raised his middle finger and the classroom door slammed behind him.
“Your family and it’s dramatics.” James snickered. Sirius just shook his head and grinned in amusement.
“I think it does just run specifically in the Black family at this point.” He sighed, clapping James on the back in goodbye as they parted ways. James took a second to watch his best friend disappear down the corridor before taking a deep breath and opening the door to the classroom.
James hated Latin. He was bad at it, but it wasn’t the only class bringing his grades down. He wasn’t all that bad, he was quite smart actually, but he had certain…difficulties. He had never really mentioned it or brought it up. Not even Sirius knew about it, but it was the reason he did so badly in English lit and Latin, the two courses he had to have picked along with Psychology. He took a seat next to Regulus who barely even looked up from setting up his notes. The teacher arrived and started the lecture.
James’ hands shook as he frowned down at his paper. He’d missed the last two things he was supposed to write down, and now everything was spiralling out of control. He couldn’t keep up.
“Fuck, I hate Latin.” He mumbled weakly. “It’s so unnecessarily hard.”
“Maybe you’re just too dumb to understand it.” Regulus remarked, rolling his eyes and writing translations easily.
“Shut up Regulus.” James snapped. He hated that word.
Dumb dumb dumb dumb.
He wasn’t dumb- people had called him that, but he knew he wasn’t. And Latin was fucking hard. James felt a feeling of despair as the board changed again. He hadn’t even finished the last slides’ notes.
He let out a shaky breath and rubbed his face tiredly, squinting at the letters on the board. They started to twitch and blink out of place more than before, this time taking the shape of new words and then shaking in his vision. It was useless trying to read it. Nothing was staying- it was all out of his grip. Tears pricked his eyes and a familiar sinking feeling crept up on him as he swallowed against the thickness in his throat.
James’ mind was racing, his leg bouncing as he tried his best to ignore the ringing in his ears. It was hard to even try to take notes and his hands were trembling so much that his pen slipped from his grasp and rolled across the table. It nudged Regulus’ hand and he finally looked up, his brows still furrowed in concentration.
“Sorry- sorry.” James hurried, wincing at the crack in his voice. The boy beside him tilted his head and picked up the pen, eyes softening.
“James. Breathe.” He soothed quietly, pressing the pen into his hand. He hadn’t even realised the shallowness of his own breaths. It was hard remembering how to breathe, and for a moment James was drowning, but then Regulus’ touch was gentle against James’ skin and the reassurance of it made his mind stop splitting at the edges for a moment. He nodded and smiled gratefully, taking in a deep breath and then letting it out.
He repeated this until his hands stopped trembling and he could feel Regulus rubbing soft circles on his shoulder. James sighed and picked up the pen again, staring miserably down at his messy and half-finished notes.
“Thanks. I just- I’m not dumb.” He croaked lamely, blinking at the slightly swaying picture of Regulus in front of him.
“I know.” He assured, giving him a nod before going back to taking notes.
“I can read. I’m not dumb.” James repeated firmly, staring down at his page determinedly even though he could see Regulus raise his head to look at him again. There was a short pause where Regulus put his pen down.
“I know James.” He said again, just as comforting as the first time. James let the tension slip away from his shoulders slightly, glancing at the boy beside him.
“Thanks again.” He breathed, shrugging nonchalantly. “I’m not so good at taking notes. I’m not so good at this class at all, really.” His jaw was tense as he forced out a chuckle.
“I could…type up the notes and send them to you, if you’d like.” Regulus offered awkwardly, cheeks reddening as he shrugged back.
“How are you so good at Latin anyway? I thought you were from France and everything.”
“I uh- had a private tutor for 12 years. Mother insisted that is was important so…Yeah. Sirius never liked it- but I always found it interesting. I could help you I guess.”
“You’d do that? Like- tutor me?” James grinned as Regulus nodded reluctantly. “I knew you weren’t heartless Reg!” Regulus sighed and shook his head.
James felt himself relax a little more into the class as he copied down the other’s notes. It gave him a good chance to look at the boy, really look at him. Because Regulus was naturally beautiful in the way that the whole family was. But there was a distinct sort of soft, elegant beauty to him which not even Sirius could pull off. He could watch him all day.
Maybe James didn’t hate Latin so much after all.
±………±
By lunch, Regulus was already exhausted. The very thought of food made him feel sick to his stomach, but it wasn’t like he could hide from his own brother. Sirius was waiting for them outside of class when the bell rang, and they made their way to the canteen.
Regulus wanted to rip his hair out as soon as they entered the room. There was food and grime on the floor, the air was thick with a pungent sort of greasy smell and the overlap of voices was driving him crazy. It was like the whole room was closing in on him as he stood stiffly in the doorway, unable to take another step.
Sirius and James halted in front of him, Sirius’ brow furrowing in worry.
“Reg, are you okay?” He asked. Sirius’ voice felt like it was grating against Regulus’ skull and clinging to his skin. He felt disgusting, so inhumanly so that he just stared at his shoes and flexed his fingers slightly, face stony.
“I’m fine.” He eventually got out coldly, turning and stepping back out of the canteen with his heart clamouring in his chest. Sweat rubbed against his palms and he could feel the hair on his neck, the people pushing past him. Every bit of skin felt like an exposed nerve when someone touched him. Regulus took a deep breath and walked down the corridor a little way so he could sink down to the floor against the wall.
He could hear footsteps following after him, it felt very far away and far too close at the same time. It was all too loud against his head as he clamped his hands over his ears. Everything was buzzing and reacting against the boy and it felt like the entire world was turned against him in that moment.
Regulus tugged at his hair and pressed harder on his ears, so it hurt. Something inside him was fizzing away, building up to an explosion.
“Regulus what happened-“ Sirius placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder, only to be thrown off so violently that he lost his balance. James had to catch him as he strained to hear Regulus’ whispered voice.
“Don’t fucking touch me.”
Sirius blinked and calculated the situation for a second. After a few moments, he finally just sat down a little distance away from him, searching his bag for something. This seemed to get Regulus’ attention because he watched intensely as Sirius began taking things from his bag and laying them out. He made a soft noise of satisfaction as he pulled out a pair of headphones and his phone, pushing the headphones over to his brother and gesturing to put them on.
Regulus stared blankly, flexing his hands in his lap as he stared at the headphones. Slowly, he reached out and placed them on, clutching his knees to his chest and watching Sirius scroll through his playlists. When the soft voice of David Bowie started playing in the speakers, Sirius leant back against the opposite wall, watching as his brother relaxed slightly.
Whenever Regulus used to get this back at Grimmald Place, Sirius used to give him his hidden iPod and headphones. They’d sit on the bed together in silence until Regulus would just take the headphones off and retreat to his own bedroom without anything but a nod of thanks and the occasional hug when he was young.
Sirius left them for him when he ran.
After a while, Regulus took off the headphones and tilted his head until Sirius had stopped zoning out.
“Okay?” He asked gently. Regulus nodded, looking down at his hands to avoid eye contact.
“Okay.” He croaked.
Sirius stood up and stretched, sending his brother a smile as he got up too.
“Right, I’m going to get food from the canteen then we can go find somewhere to sit outside yeah?” Regulus nodded. “What do you want?”
“I don’t want.” He grumbled quietly.
“Apple it is! You stay here Prongsie. What do you want?” James gave him his order and Sirius went back into the canteen. Regulus shuddered. He would not be going in there again.
Once Sirius returned, he led them out into the courtyard where they passed a huge tree in the middle. There were two people sitting, smoking a joint at the base of the tree. Regulus squinted through the sun, only to find that he was staring straight at Barty Crouch.
The boy’s whole face lit up as he saw him, and he jumped up from his seat.
“Baby Black!” He called, sauntering up to him with a wide grin on his face. “You didn’t tell me you were coming here!” Barty seemed positively delighted with this fact. Regulus barely had time to respond before a blonde boy followed behind him and yawned.
“Barty, why are you shouting mate?” It was the boy from the locker rooms, or-
“Evan Rosier! No way, James he’s here too!” Sirius cut right through Regulus’ thoughts as he finally connected the dots. They were hockey players. Regulus had met two hockey players, and now they were talking to him.
“Sure is!” Barty cackled. “And you’re the…not Baby Black. Huh, must say, I prefer Reg.”
“We’re already doing nicknames?” Regulus sighed, but it went unheard under Sirius’ sudden shouting at Barty about how he was the better sibling.
“He has no reason to hate me!” Sirius whined.
“He never said he hated you, he just said he preferred me. And honestly, it’s clear why.” Regulus rolled his eyes. Sirius gasped and went to go get fussed by James. Barty was busy watching and snickering, adding in fuel to the flames as he chipped in comments to Sirius’ winging.
Evan turned to Regulus and raised an eyebrow. Regulus shrugged.
“You’re the guy who bumped into me at the lockers.” The blonde noted, one side of his mouth twitching into a friendly smirk. Regulus nodded grimly. “Well, fancy seeing you again- what was it Barty called you? Baby Black?” he mocked.
“God, don’t you start.” Regulus voiced his disapproval. Evan laughed softly.
The conversation didn’t last much longer, though, because Sirius was fully sulking now, and it was hard to deal with a fully sulking Sirius. They sat down by the football field and ate, James commenting regularly on the football match being played. Regulus took small bites of his apple when he could, forcing himself to take chunks and carry on.
He wasn’t sure when the eating thing started, it had just always been there. A lingering wall of shadowy voices and longing. Walburga’s teaching certainly didn’t help, she encouraged it, told him to listen to those voices and cut down on the shit he didn’t need.
It was always skating over any other need. But now he wasn’t skating, so he had no reason not to eat. But Regulus couldn’t. He couldn’t fucking eat.
He was beyond thankful when the bell for the end of lunch rang and he was able to escape it all, leaving his apple and the spat-out bites he took in a bin somewhere as he moved to his last lecture of the day. It was English Lit and Lang, a double period to fit it both in. The class was exhausting, but James was in Regulus’ Literature class so that was something.
When the final bell rang for the end of the day, they all got into James’ car and drove back to the apartment. Regulus sorted through all the papers, books and things he had in his bag until he came across the form for his dormitory. Scanning it, he wandered into the kitchen where Sirius was sat.
“I got the form for my dormitory, since term has started.”
Sirius jumped and looked up, placing a hand over his heart as he lowered the spoon from his mouth. Why he was eating Coco-Pops at 7pm was beyond Regulus, but he chose not to comment on it.
“Oh, that’s great Reg. Do you know who you’re moving in with?” Sirius responded. Regulus shook his head.
“It doesn’t say. Just that it’s two boys in my year in the ice sports- so that’s likely ice hockey or figure skating or whatever.” The eldest nodded slowly.
“When does it say you should move in?”
“In like a month is the deadline, but we could go meet the people there.” Sirius got up and placed his bowl in the sink, yawning.
“Yeah, sounds good. We can do that. You okay to make yourself dinner? James is out and I already had some.” Regulus nodded and waited until Sirius had gone back to his room to retreat to his own.
He wasn’t hungry anyway.