Drowning
The room Regulus was staying in was obviously an unused guest room, it had a few things left in there for storage but nothing too cluttered. It was a nice space, the walls were white and a window looked out onto the street below. The bed was a double, pushed into the corner, and there was a wardrobe opposite. A mirror lined one wall and the rest of the walls had a few band posters gathering dust.
Sirius helped him unpack, then opened the window to let in some air. He was the type to get distracted easily and, in a few moments, he was rummaging through the different boxes and objects. James knocked and came in, eyes lighting up as they landed on an object in the corner.
“Man, I forgot about this!” He pulled it over to the bed and unzipped the case, revealing a glistening red electric guitar. Sirius gasped and began helping him set up as Regulus sat back and watched the two in amusement. “I used to play guitar, you know. I always said that if hockey didn’t work out, I’d start a band.” James chuckled and ran a hand over the strings, strumming it gently.
Regulus stared longingly at it. It was nothing like the one he had back at Grimmald place, he had to leave it behind. It was a secret that he kept from his parents, his first secret rebellion. Regulus had only practiced when his parents were out, and he’d actually bought it second-hand off his friend. It was worn and the strings were a little loose, nothing too shiny, but he missed it.
“I miss my guitar.” He found himself sighing under his breath. Both Sirius and James looked up at him in surprise, James looking in awe and Sirius mightily confused.
“You have a guitar?” His brother looked around the room as if would appear out of thin air. Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Back at Grimmald place, yeah. I couldn’t bring it, obviously, but I actually got it the day before you left.” Sirius’ smile faltered and he looked guilty, but not like before, more like what he’d done was physically paining him. Regulus tore his gaze away and cleared his throat. James gently shoved the guitar into his hands, cheeks flushed in excitement.
“Play something!” He demanded, then quickly added a more polite, “Please?” Regulus smirked a little and looked down at the guitar. He let his fingers slide along the body then up the strings into a natural position. He tried to recall something, and eventually his mind landed on something that he’d made up. It was a simple tune, but he wrote it the night Sirius left to drown out the aftermath; his parent’s screaming below.
He began to play quietly, brows furrowed in concentration. The two boys watched him, barely blinking in concentration. Regulus hummed thoughtfully to himself and strummed a bit, then he suddenly smiled and kissed his teeth, nodding gently.
“Got it.” He muttered, mostly to himself, but his crowd drew in sharp breaths and shuffled in anticipation. He glanced up quickly, smiling, but James' eyes were so intense that he had to look away. His brother looked proud and intrigued, squinting at the chords Regulus was playing. He got a little more comfortable as he pressed harder on the strings and his memory came fully back to him. Regulus truly loved guitar, it came in second to figure skating.
The tune was kind of sad and melancholy, but it had a sort of bite to it which really reeled you in. Regulus got lost in it all, just relishing in the chance to be able to play freely. Once he was done, he came to an abrupt halt, holding his breath with his cheeks flaming as he pushed away the guitar like it had burned him.
“Reg that was amazing!” Sirius jumped on him, sending him flying back into the bed. Regulus let out a yelp and struggled to get his brother off, grumbling about how heavy he was. James’ mouth was hanging open a bit as he stared at Regulus, eyes glazed over as if he was in a trance.
“Holy shit.” He gasped out breathily, leaning against Sirius. “Holy fucking shit.” He repeated. Bit dramatic, Regulus mused, but he wasn’t mad about it. “What song is that? I think I was just traumatised in the best way.”
Regulus shrugged, face burning.
“It’s not a song, it’s nothing really. I…I wrote it.” James leapt up and ran a hand through his hair, grinning at Regulus.
“You’re a fucking musical genius, did you know that? That’s not-“ He let out a shaking breath of disbelief and elation. “Regulus, that’s not nothing, that’s everything. Don’t you get it? Gods, you have to teach me those chords!”
Regulus’ whole faced flushed in embarrassment.
“It’s just a few chords. Plus, aren’t you supposed to be ‘making me love the ice again’ or some shit?” Both idiots gasped and looked at each other, scrambling to get ready. Sirius tugged out Regulus’ skates from where he’d hidden them and chucked them in a bag, throwing it at him and dragging him from the safety of his new room.
Regulus groaned as he was hurried out the door and down to the bottom floor. “Oh, I’m so going to regret this.” He grumbled, glaring at the two hockey players grinning stupidly down at him. Once they got there, the two high-fived in celebration. They were ridiculously proud of themselves for getting Regulus to the rink, even though he had literally walked there by choice.
They strode into the reception and waved at the girl at the desk. She was pretty, red hair spilled down her back and her eyes were a bright green. Her smile was pretty too, now he thought about it. Regulus reluctantly followed his brother as he approached her.
“Lily Evans!” Sirius boomed, shooting finger guns at the girl and winking unsubtly at James. James, however, seemed to be trying his hardest to look away and pretend this wasn’t happening. Regulus felt a little bad for him as Sirius walked up to Lily and struck up a conversation, wiggling his eyebrows at him.
“Show me the changing rooms.” It came out a little blunt, but he made up for it by repeating what James had done earlier. “Please?” It sounded strained from him, but James jumped at the chance, looking relieved as he led Regulus through a door and into a room. It was just a standard changing room, yellowing walls and dented lockers, but they put their stuff in the given spaces and grabbed their skates.
As James geared up on the benches next to the rink, Regulus stared down at his own skates. His chest felt tight, his heart beat a little too quickly and he could feel the ground tipping slightly beneath him. He could hear his mother’s voice even from miles away, he could feel the ice enveloping him and freezing him over at the memories of spending hours training until his whole body stung. He could feel the beatings and the painful routines, it felt like he was reliving them even as he stared down, ashen faced at the ground.
Regulus could tell he was spiralling, but he could do nothing to stop it. He swallowed thickly against the sudden lump in his throat, seemingly unable to tear his eyes away from the skates in his hands. He could feel himself drowning and slipping beneath the waves even as the thought crossed his panicked mind.
“Are you alright Reg?” James’ voice was like a lifeboat, and Regulus was suddenly brought back to land. His chest was heaving, and his hands were shaking. He took a moment to just stare up at the boy in front of him. James had warm brown eyes and warm brown skin, everything about him was warm; a stark contrast to the bitterness of the ice and Regulus’ frozen over exterior.
Regulus managed a sharp nod and quickly busied his hands with his skates. Even though his hands trembled violently, somehow, he still had the muscle memory to slip on the skates and tie up the shoelaces with practiced ease. He ignored how the pain twinged in his right ankle and his whole body protested as he straightened up. Regulus took a shuddering breath and glared at the glacial surface he was about to move onto.
It had betrayed him before, and he didn’t even know if he was ready. Regulus could feel himself slipping away again, so he was relieved when James made the choice for him and stepped out onto the ice, holding out a hand. When Regulus didn’t take it, James laughed and shook his head, snatching up his hand anyway and pulling him gently beside him. Regulus felt sick and he knew it must hurt with how tight he was gripping the hockey player’s hand, but James didn’t say anything. If anything, he just smiled even more encouragingly as Regulus squeezed and tipped his skate to guide them.
He could hear his heartbeat, and he had every thought to just close his eyes tight shut and not open them until he was on safe ground again. James squeezed his hand back softly, grounding him. Regulus then realised that he had closed his eyes, without even making the conscious decision to. His eyes flew open and he scowled in defence.
The boy just tilted his head and turned a little to lead him into a full skate. It didn’t take too long until Regulus was skating laps around the rink, gaining confidence as he completed small jumps and twirls. The twinge in his ankle had turned into a dull throbbing ache which sent shooting pains up his leg, but he didn't care. He was too busy with skating to care. It was true, he was born for the ice. But he still felt a nagging sense of guilt about enjoying all this.
It felt weird when he was not pushing himself to the brink under the pressure of a new competition. It was normal for him, and he couldn’t think of a time where he’d been on the ice without that impending sense of doom.
“You’re amazing! My gods- that was just…Wow!” Suddenly James was in front of him, beaming happily and clapping his gloves together. He was in awe, looking at Regulus as if he was some kind of saint.
“I bloody told you mate!” Sirius appeared out of nowhere, looking sickeningly proud. Regulus hated the way his cheeks ached to smile back at the two, his insides were warm and squirmy.
“I’m not practiced, and I'm worse because of my injury.” He managed to get out stiffly, face growing hot at all the attention.
“Bullshit.” James grinned, nudging him softly. Regulus stiffened.
“I haven’t been on the ice since I quit that competition.” He admitted.
“You consider that out of practice? How much do you practice?” The boy frowned, grin fading as Sirius sighed.
“Figure skating practices are hard, but especially with my parents and Reg’s determination it’s ridiculous. He always did more than I ever could.”
“I’m right here! And four to six hours a day isn’t that much to expect, Sirius.” Regulus defended. The two hockey players gaped at him.
“Four hours was a push for me, but they made you do six hours a day? What about school?” Sirius spoke quietly, evidently seething.
“I was home schooled in the spare hours. They took me out of school a bit after you left.” He shrugged. Regulus was aware it wasn’t exactly ideal, but he thought that they were overreacting a bit.
“What about sleep?!” James screeched. Regulus rolled his eyes.
“That’s enough interrogation. Are we done here?” The hockey players looked at each other. Regulus ground his teeth. “It’s not that bad! Stop looking at me like that! You Puckers probably work hard too- although I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t- it’s nothing that out of the ordinary.”
“We practice two hours, twice a week. In our free time we do extra, sure, but that’s different.” Sirius muttered, wincing at the look on his brother’s face.
“It’s not…It’s not different.” Regulus felt the plead in his voice, but he didn’t have the energy to be ashamed for once. He felt beyond sick, he was swaying slightly on his skates.
“Are you okay Reg? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine.” He snapped.
“You don’t look fine…” James put in. Regulus glared at him and James averted his eyes.
“Regulus-“
“I need to go.” Regulus cut his brother off, skating to the exit with his hands trembling. He was going to collapse if he didn’t get out soon. He needed to be alone. Sirius couldn’t see him like this. Plus, they were just being stupid. Right?
He fumbled to unlace his skates, tears blurring his vision. Regulus couldn’t breathe properly, but he didn’t want to break down here, or anywhere as a matter of fact. He could hear the pair of boys scrambling after him as he yanked the skates off angrily and stuffed them back in his bag, limping slightly as he hurried back into the locker rooms. As he was hurtling through the door however, he crashed straight into someone.
“Fuck, sorry-“
Regulus barely spared a glance, just nodding quickly at the blonde boy and beginning to push past him. Or, at least, he tried to. The boy refused to let him pass however, making Regulus glare up at him. “Are you okay?”
“Fine. Now let me through.”
“You don’t look fine.” The boy smiled gently, raising an eyebrow.
“Let me through.” Regulus repeated through gritted teeth. The boy did not move, but it was too late to run anyway because now the two idiots were here. Regulus groaned.
“Reggie!” Sirius called out; eyes wide with worry. “Are you okay?”
“For the last time, I’m fucking fine!” He snapped, fists clenching so hard that crescent moon shapes were left on his palm. He pushed past everyone and ripped the locker open, grabbing his stuff and trying to slam the door shut again. It bounced back open, much to his rising anger. He felt out of control as he punched it with such force that the clang echoed around the room.
“Fuck!”
He kicked the bottom of the metal lockers with his good leg and furiously wiped his eyes to clear his vision. He turned, about to leave when he saw the small crowd of three watching him. He scowled at them and left, walking quickly through the streets.
Regulus didn’t know where he was going, or how long he was even walking, but somehow, he ended up sitting under a tree in a small park. It was empty, as far as he could see, there were very few trees and a small flower bed then a swing set.
Regulus held his knees to his chest and tried his best to breathe, watching the cars go by. That was embarrassing, he thought, why am I getting fucking upset over something like that? He knew that he practiced more than other people, he’d always been a hard worker and Walburga expected nothing but the best.
Regulus worked long hours, did schoolwork in his own time instead of sleeping and in truth he hadn’t had more than three to four hours of sleep in over a year. But it was normal. It was. He was normal. Regulus was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of someone thumping down next to him.
Sirius didn’t say anything at first, he just stared at the cars going past like his brother. They sat in a comfortable silence, until eventually Sirius cleared his throat.
“I know what it’s like.” He muttered, glancing at Regulus’ stony face. “I’m not trying to undermine you, by the way.”
This earned a small nod from him, so Sirius continued. “Everyone has a different relationship with the ice. You know that. For James, it’s like another limb for him- or a vital organ. It keeps him alive, it’s part of his heart. For me, well… you know how it is. I love it. It’s my freedom, y’know? Even when I was… When we were back there.” His voice cracked and Regulus looked over at Sirius.
He was staring down at his beat-up boots with glistening eyes and a hard face. The boy finally looked up and smiled weakly. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t go on the ice until two months after I ran away.”
“Really?” Regulus was surprised by this, to say the least. He never really thought about what happened after you had run away. Never thought about how the trauma Sirius had gone through, the things he had to deal with in the aftermath of it all. He supposed that you were never really free of the family Black curse, it lingered like a strong perfume. Sirius nodded.
“It took me ages, at first. I couldn’t even get out of bed or out of the apartment for the first month. I was terrified of seeing her looking for me. It’s stupid, but I swear, every single time I opened my eyes I saw her. Every time it went silent, I heard her. She was always there. I used to think that she haunted me, in a way. Still do, sometimes.” Regulus swallowed a lump in his throat and blinked away the stinging tears.
“What did you do? How do you get rid of her?” He sounded small, hopeless. But that’s how he felt, so it wasn’t much of a surprise.
It reminded Regulus of when he used to get nightmares and he’d climb into Sirius’ bed late at night. They would whisper to each other for comfort, and Sirius used to come up with all sorts of ridiculous ways to get rid of them. Not a lot worked, but just being in the presence of someone else helped. Regulus still got those nightmares, but they only ever got worse after he left.
Sirius blew out a breath and scooched closer to his little brother.
“Well, I couldn’t really. I used to drink and shit, just to block her out. But that just made it worse. The only way I was able to get rid of her was to…heal.”
“Heal?” Regulus repeated weakly, biting his lip. Sirius smiled sadly.
“Surround yourself with people who love you. Find your anchor, something to keep you going. Or someone. James was mine, see. He helped me through every break down. James has got so much love, I'm just lucky it was directed at me.” He chuckled. James was his rock, a place of reality when everything was spiralling into nothing. There had been many times where James had dragged him into bed from being too drunk to stand, helped him wash, or calmed him down from a panic attack.
Sirius didn’t normally like to dwell on it, it was the worst time of his life. He was drawn in by the numbness of countless drinks, never truly being sober for months on end. Sirius found comfort in pain, found comfort in attempts to end it all, found comfort in his own blood and vomit and misery. But James was always there, always pushing him in the right direction and not letting him look back.
He’d dealt with so much, Sirius felt downright guilty at how much he took from his best friend. They didn’t really talk about it because every time Sirius would break down with pure guilt and self-hatred, but if talking about it was what it took to help his brother, then he would do it.
“I think I'm too broken to heal.” Came Regulus’ cracked reply, his head sinking down onto his knees. He rocked slightly, soft sobs shaking his shoulders as his breathing turned shallow. His chest was heaving as he tugged on his clothes, squeezing his eyes shut. Everything was too much to handle, his mind going a hundred miles an hour.
“Can I touch you?” Regulus had never liked touch, and that was mainly due to their parents but also due to the fact that he genuinely did not know how to ask for physical contact. He used to just glare at Sirius until he hugged him.
Regulus always freaked out at touch when it was unexpected and was very particular on who could touch him and when. He almost broke Sirius’ hand once when he ruffled Regulus’ hair on a bad day. He began to shake his head fervently at the question, backing away into the tree trunk.
His skin was on fire and he was afraid if anyone touched him it would burn them both. Sirius bit his lip. James was the one who was good at comforting people, but he didn’t think Regulus would appreciate a near stranger trying to calm him down. He was mumbling incoherently under his breath, scraping his nails down his arms and biting down on his bloody lips. After a few moments Sirius finally broke the silence.
“Can I come closer to you?” No response. “Regulus?”
“They broke me Sirius, I’m dirty.” Regulus sobbed, rubbing and scratching at his skin. It had turned raw and painful, visibly red. “I can’t live like this. I don’t want to be here anymore.” Sirius felt his stomach jolt. He took a deep breath, mind scrambling to keep himself calm.
“Do you remember when we snuck out on your twelfth birthday?” He found himself blurting out. He didn’t know whether Regulus could even hear him, if he was even listening, but it was worth a shot. “We went really early, snuck out the window. I told you I knew where we were going, but I didn’t. I think you knew better than me where we were, but it doesn’t matter. You let me lead you until we found a lake. Do you remember?”
It was a tiny nod, barely noticeable, but it showed that Regulus was listening. Sirius let himself breathe a little easier, his shoulders dropping the tension they held. “You told me it was the prettiest thing you’d ever seen. It was really beautiful; I have to admit. I am proud of myself for pulling that out the bag. Anyway, I told you that my birthday present to you was teaching you how to swim. And even though I didn’t really know how to swim properly myself, I still pushed you in.” Sirius paused to grin.
“You almost drowned us both.” Regulus muttered, still not looking at him. His brother let out a soft laugh.
“Yeah, I did, didn’t I? But still, it’s one of my favourite memories. We had to sneak back in and change because we were both completely soaked.”
“I remember.” Regulus breathed out and let his head rest against the trunk. His eyes were still distant and glossy, but at least he was breathing. Sirius stood up.
“Let’s go back to the apartment and clean up, yeah?” Regulus nodded. The two boys made their way out of the park in silence, the youngest still seemingly out of it. When Sirius opened the door, James was already back. He was lounging on the sofa, but he jumped up when he saw the two.
“Christ- are you alright?” The hockey player moved forwards towards them, but Regulus flinched and inhaled shakily so he stopped quickly. Sirius and James shared a quick look before Sirius shook his head slightly. James let his eyes wander sorrowfully to the younger brother and smiled sadly. Regulus scowled, but his heart wasn’t in it. He just turned on his heel and disappeared into his new room. Sirius didn’t try to bring up the ice rink again for a while.