Chapter 14
Lexa had decided to keep any conversation with Clarke professional. They had not spoken more than five words at a time since her move to the night shift two weeks ago. She was upset with Clarke for giving up before they had a chance, but the decision was not hers to make.
When she arrived that morning, Clarke was already gone. Rounds had not even started. While waiting for the rest of the staff, she sat behind the nurse’s desk and scrolled through her phone. Indra had a stack of charts but pointed at a coffee on the counter.
“That’s for you,” she said.
“What?” Lexa asked.
“The drink.”
Lexa grabbed the coffee and note shoved under the plastic cup. The words were written in Clarke’s perfect handwriting: I’m sorry. I hope you understand -C
“Understand what?” she asked aloud.
The note stayed in her mind for hours. The only conclusion she came to was that Clarke had changed her shifts to avoid Lexa because she felt the same way. It was a complicated situation, but they could work something out. There must be something they could do about working together while seeing where their relationship went. It was maddening.
A part of her wished she had returned to Chicago Med as she originally planned. There would be no problem dating if they worked at separate hospitals. The only problem with her plan was never really meeting Clarke. She would also miss all the little moments she had come to love like Clarke’s eyebrows drawing together when she was confused or the way she bit on the lid of a pen when thinking hard about something. She would have missed Clarke’s elation when she found a proper diagnosis on a tough case.
There was a lot of regret in Lexa’s life but taking the job at Griffin Memorial could not be one of them.
She debated texting Clarke to thank her but deleted more than twenty messages without sending any. Plus, the woman was surely asleep after her shift last night. Knowing Clarke, she might be awake working on another research article or journal piece. She had a feeling her father’s death was affecting her personal life much more than her work life.
“Are you okay?” Raven asked.
“Yeah, why?” she asked.
“You’re just quiet today. Wanted to check before I started a long surgery. Putting in a few stints.”
“I’m good. Good luck with the surgery.”
“Thanks, Lex.”
The note was validating in a way. Lexa was glad to know she was not the only one who felt like she did. She had not experienced an immediate connection with anyone the way she had with Clarke. She was determined to try.
An hour before the end of her shift, Lexa found Indra in the breakroom.
“Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I have a question,” Lexa said.
“Never a good start,” she replied with a grin.
“Yeah, sorry, but I need to speak to Clarke. In-person. Do you know where she lives?”
“You know I can’t tell you that.”
“C’mon, please. She won’t mind.”
Indra just stared until Lexa put her hands up in surrender. “Fine,” she said.
“Ask Raven,” she suggested. “As a friend.”
She considered Indra’s suggestion but would rather not answer questions that came along with that conversation. Only Clarke could give her answers now. She checked the board and found that Clarke was off that day. She was avoiding Lexa at all costs.
Clarke was putting on lotion, brushing her hair, and getting ready for bed when someone knocked on the front door. She assumed her mother was at the door, needing to get out of the house, which she had done multiple times since her dad’s death. She buttoned up her cotton shirt and went downstairs.
“You have a key,” Clarke said as she walked through the living room.
“I do?” the other person asked who was not her mother.
“Lexa?” she asked.
Clarke pulled open the door to find Lexa, still wearing the scrubs from her shift, standing on her front porch. They stared at each other for a moment before Lexa opened her mouth to speak. She seemed to reconsider whatever she had been planning to say.
“You don’t have to stay on the night shift,” she said.
“I know,” Clarke said.
“So, you’ll come back?”
Clarke wanted to go back to the day shift. She wanted to be with her friends again. She missed their banter and laughter during breaks or passing in the hall. But Clarke was no longer bombarded with the sound of Lexa’s laughter from another room and watching her fingers as she pulled back her long hair into an elastic band.
“I can’t right now,” she said. “I have a lot of other stuff going on and I…”
“Clarke, c’mon,” Lexa interrupted. She stared into Clarke’s eyes for a long time as if trying to read her mind. “I’ll resign.”
“What?” she asked. “You… you can’t.”
“This is better?”
Clarke wanted to know what Lexa thought this was. She had a feeling they were intentionally avoiding what they really wanted to say. She certainly was. There were a million things she wanted to say to Lexa, to yell at her, until she was numb.
“Don’t leave,” Clarke said. “Please.”
“Fine,” she said, sighing. “But I want you to come back to the day shift. We don’t even have to speak if that’s what you want.”
“Is that what you want?”
Lexa’s lip twitched before breaking into an actual smirk. “No,” she said. “That isn’t what I want.”
Heat crept up Clarke’s neck. Every question Clarke had was answered by the way Lexa looked into her eyes. She was struck by her beauty for the hundredth time.
“But…” Lexa said. “This isn’t about what I want. It’s about what the ER needs and the ER needs you there. The other day shift doctors are lost without you.”
Clarke smiled at that. It felt nice to be needed. “But not you?” she asked.
“Not in the same way they are,” she said, shrugging one shoulder.
Her eyes grew heavy as the realization of her words hit. It was maddening to have Lexa standing on her porch, looking the way she did, and being unable to touch her. She would have settled for wrapping her fingers around the other woman’s wrist to feel her heartbeat. She just needed… something. Anything.
“Do you remember our talk after my dad died?” Clarke asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“I do suddenly wish I had done something different.”
Lexa smiled. “I’m glad you didn’t,” she said. “But I do wish things were simpler.”
“So, we’re just… pretending?”
“I’ve never been good at faking anything or lying.”
They were back to square one, Clarke knew. She felt better but also worse. Rather than ask how they would manage their feelings while working together every day, she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck. It was not the kiss she truly wanted, but she was happy to feel Lexa’s heartbeat against her own. She felt safe in her arms. She felt happier than she had ever felt hugging anyone.
“Thank you for coming here,” Clarke whispered against her shoulder.
“You wouldn’t believe what I had to bribe Raven with for the address. I’m also one hundred percent sure she thinks we’ll have sex.”
Clarke sighed. She closed her eyes and inhaled. Lexa’s scent was intoxicating. She had never smelled her up close like this. She was already scared to let her go. But she finally did. Lexa reached out and put her hands on either side of Clarke’s face. She wrapped her fingers around Lexa’s wrists as they stared at each other. Everything they could not say lingered in the air between them.
“Thank you, Clarke,” Lexa said.
“For what?” she whispered.
“For coming back.”
To me.
She watched Lexa walk down the driveway and climb into her new SUV. It was black and quickly blended into the dark streets. Once alone, she locked the front door, slid down the wall, and rested her forehead on her knees.
Her body ached for everything she might never have.
Lexa was already working when Clarke arrived the next morning. They looked at each other across the counter. Lexa grinned and Clarke nodded once before they went their separate ways to begin their shift.