Chapter 13
Anya dropped Lexa off at work the next day. They walked into the emergency wing together. Clarke was sitting behind the nurse’s station, waiting for the other doctors to start rounds, and Raven was leaning against the counter. Raven almost instinctually knew Anya was there. They smirked at each other as she sat in the other chair. Clarke was typing on the computer, working on one of her many research journal pieces. She did not look up until Lincoln asked if they were ready to start rounds.
“When did you get here?” she asked, facing Lexa.
“Five minutes ago,” she said. “You missed Raven and Anya's kiss.”
“Damn. You should’ve gotten my attention.”
“How? I threw a pen at you a few minutes ago. You didn’t even notice.”
“Sorry. This is due at midnight.”
“Ah. Need any help?”
Lexa would settle for a few seconds alone with Clarke at this rate. She knew they were in an impossible situation as Clarke was her boss but ignoring her would make Lexa feel worse. Her attraction to Clarke was indescribable and nearly all-consuming. She wanted so badly to get inside the woman’s head to see if her feelings were one-sided. The thought that nothing could come of her feelings was depressing.
“No, I have everything I need,” Clarke said, standing. “I just need to organize it.”
“I need to buy a car,” she said as she followed Clarke behind the group.
“Oh, right. What are you going to get?”
“Not sure yet. Probably an SUV. That’s what I’ve always had. It’s easier to strap by bike to.”
Clarke groaned which made Lexa raise an eyebrow. People glanced back at them but turned away when she waved them off. Someone in the front was talking which they ignored. Clarke knew this place inside and out anyway.
“You bike, too?” she asked. “When do you do nothing? Like… do you ever take naps?”
“Sometimes,” she said, defensively. “But naps throw off my whole sleep schedule. You have some nerve accusing me of not relaxing, Clarke. When are you even home?”
“Hey, I paint.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, when I have time. I have a whole shed dedicated to it.”
“Interesting. I would have never guessed, but I think it makes sense.”
“How so?”
“There’s more to you than you let anyone see. It makes sense that you would paint rather than talk. Plus, being surrounded by suffering and death… that would be a good outlet. Like fighting is for me.”
“Don’t compare painting to fighting.”
Lexa laughed. “It’s the same kind of therapeutic release,” she said.
She could imagine Clarke with a paintbrush in one hand, paint smeared on her cheek, and completely immersed in whatever she was creating. She was glad to know there was something Clarke liked to do that had nothing to do with medicine.
“Not at all the same,” Clarke argued.
There was a small smile on Clarke’s face that made Lexa’s cheeks warm. They went their separate ways a few moments later, but Lexa was determined to learn more about Clarke.
Clarke was doing her best to avoid Lexa. Since their short conversation at the beginning of the shift, she had managed to stay on the opposite side of the wing as the other woman. She had not meant to share as much as she had. Lexa had a way of getting inside her head. She was too distracting. Clarke had too many responsibilities to be distracted. She just needed to refocus. She had never been as close to a deadline as she was with her current projects. She was not a procrastinator.
“I want to go out into the field,” Raven said, pouting.
“Go on a ride along with the paramedics,” she said, shrugging.
“And leave the hospital? Is this a setup?”
“Not at all. I’m sure they would love for you to join them.”
“Who the hell are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
Clarke rolled her eyes. “It was just a suggestion,” she said. “Do whatever you want.”
She filled in a chart before signing the patient’s release form. She filled out prescriptions before standing to give him the good news. When she returned, she noticed Raven’s stare.
“I’m starting to get annoyed, Rae,” Clarke said.
“Starting to?” she asked. “I’ve been annoyed with you since 2010.”
“Just for breathing?”
“Exactly.”
Clarke rolled her eyes as she started for a trauma room. Every conversation with Raven made her more paranoid. She was waiting for Raven to ask why she had not made a move on Lexa or why they had not gone on a date. She was not ready to hear her own answer. Right now, she lived in a blissful state. A small part of her believed that they did have a chance.
She answered call lights for the next ten minutes before a new case came in. The woman was having difficulty breathing. She had a chest scan done to find one lung filled with fluid and another half full. They started her with a medicine that would clear her lungs with hopes of finding out why the lungs filled as rapidly as they did. She suspected it was pneumonia, but she also needed to learn about other symptoms and how they developed.
She was surprisingly tired by the end of her shift. She left the hospital without a word as soon as rounds were finished. She had a paper to finish and could not get caught up dealing with someone else’s problem.
Early cancer symptoms were her latest fixation. She had written many journal pieces since her father’s diagnosis, but she felt even more inspired to find answers since his death. She wanted to learn as much as she could about early symptoms to save someone else’s child from the pain she now carried.
Rather than lay down, Clarke worked on her couch for hours. It was two am when she finally finished and submitted her piece. She closed her laptop and stretched her back which ached painfully. She considered eating something before going to bed but wanted to take a hot bath more. She laid back in the water and let herself cry. The hot water helped her back tremendously, but she cried for every moment that was stolen from her dad. She also cried for herself.
Sleep was impossible. She turned her lamp on after an hour of tossing and turning. Next came the TV. She watched the news broadcast for a while, but nothing helped. Her shift did not start until two the next day, but the clock read five when she finally got out of bed. Walking on the cold wood floor felt like too much. She was too exhausted to be awake.
Instead of going back to bed, she lay on the couch. Her house was silent as always, so she turned on the TV and tried not to count the hours until her alarm went off. She wondered if Lexa noticed her avoidance during their shift. She wondered if Lexa thought about her at all. She screamed into her pillow to release some of the frustration. How could someone come into her life and completely ruin her emotional responses without trying? Clarke had never allowed someone to create such a hold over her.
Realizing too late, she was crying again.
Anya and Raven were already sitting at a table when Lexa arrived for brunch. They rarely had the same day off and decided to capitalize on the opportunity. She smiled to herself as she watched Anya place her hand on Raven’s under the table. She moved between tables, neither woman saw her coming, as they leaned in to say something.
“Hey,” she greeted, breaking their conversation.
Anya’s hand did not move away. “Took you long enough,” she said.
“Sorry,” she said without meaning it.
“I ordered you a pineapple mimosa,” Raven said.
“Thanks. I’m assuming you two already started drinking.”
“Actually, no,” Anya said. “We just got here five minutes ago. Raven wants to go to some thrift store after if you want to join.”
“Maybe. I might be going to Costia’s. She asked if I was busy today.”
“Speaking of annoying women…” Anya started. “Clarke’s working?”
Raven and Lexa shared a look. She had checked the schedule before leaving the night before and saw Clarke had given the completely opposite shifts for the next week. Clarke had put herself on the night shift while Lexa worked their usual day shift. Even their off days were the opposite, which she found strange. There was a logical explanation for her madness, but Lexa was taking the shift change personally. It was not uncommon to work the night shift but never for an entire week.
“Yes, she’s working,” Lexa finally said.
Their drinks arrived and she took a big gulp. She was glad when Raven changed the subject.