Hazbin Hotel part 5
*Back in Hell, it is a new day. Luffy runs down the stairs of the hotel to the lobby while Morbius simply walks down.*
Luffy: Morning!
Morbius: Ugh, I didn't get much sleep, the beds are made of brimstone.
Luffy: I slept well last night.
Morbius: That’s it, if we have to stay down here another night, we’re switching rooms.
*Charlie and Vaggie come down the stairs.*
Charlie: Good morning, everybody!
Morbius: Morning.
Charlie: So, I have good news and bad news. Good news, I was able to get in touch with the demon who could help us and has agreed to see us in a meeting.
Luffy: And the bad news?
Charlie: He’s very busy today, so we’ll have to meet him tomorrow.
Morbius: So that means we’re stuck down here another day?!
Luffy: But we gotta get back to our ship! Zoro and the others must be worried about us!
Vaggie: Sorry, but it’s the best Charlie could do.
Morbius: And what are we even supposed to do till the meantime? We’re in Hell! Are there any even any video games!?
Charlie: Don’t worry, I have a bunch of activities in mind we could do today.
Vaggie: Um, Charlie we’ll have to do that stuff later. Remember, you have that thing this afternoon?
Charlie: Oh, right!
Morbius: What thing?
Charlie: 666 News is gonna let me appear and advertise the hotel. I’ve been trying to get this opportunity for weeks.
Morbius: So hell doesn't have video games but it has a TV network? Sounds about right. There's nothing to do…
Vaggie: Actually, there is something you both could do.
Luffy: Really? What?
Vaggie: You could try and find out where Angel Dust is.
Morbius: … the drug?
Charlie: No, no. He’s our first resident of the hotel.
Vaggie: And our only resident at the moment. We just had an extermination and he hasn’t been here in a few days. We need to know if he’s ok. And please don’t draw attention to yourselves like you did yesterday.
Morbius: That wasn't entirely our fault. And besides we're basic looking, there's no way people will look at us funny.
*Later that afternoon, a small four armed dinner demon falls from the sky and lands on the road.*
Demon: I'm alive! I'm alive-
*But then he gets run over by a car. A spider demon steps out of the car.*
Travis: Heh. Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff!
Angel Dust: Yeah, yeah, listen. *Fixes his hair more* Keep this discreet, you hear me? I can't let it get out I'm offerin' my services to randos on the street! It was a quick cash grab. Ya got it?
Travis: Pfft! Whatever you say, slut! Muhehehehehehe!
Angel Dust: Ouch! Ooh! Such an insult! Let me know when you've come up with something creative to call me, you sack of poorly packaged horse shit! Tell the missus I said "hi"
*He gives him a quick kiss.*
Angel Dust: Shnuckums!
*The demon in the car drives off angrily. Angel Dust then sees a drug dispensing machine and gets a bag of angel dust. But some druggie runs past him and steals them.*
Druggie: Yoink!
Angel Dust: Hey!
Druggie: Up yours, drag show!
*But he immediately gets crushed by a large boulder.*
Angel Dust: Oh, my GOD! My drugs! Damnit!
*A large war ship passes by him overhead, shooting its surroundings. Inside, it is being piloted by a snake demon named Sir Pentoius. And his crew are a bunch of sentient eggs.*
Sir Pentious: Ahahahahahahahahahahah! Those other cowardly ssssinners dare not hinder my territorial take over! A wise decision! The power of my machines are unmatched! No other demon can compare to the likesss of I!
Egg Boi 1: Gee! That was pretty swell, boss!
Egg Boi 2: Yeah!
Egg Boi 3: You really showed them what for! I liked when you shot them with your ray gun!
Egg Boi 1: I wish he'd shoot me with his ray gun!
Sir Pentious: At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of The Pentagram by day's end! And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!
Egg Boi 4: Oh, boy!
Sir Pentious: Hell will be mine! And everybody will know the name of Sir Pen-
???: Edgelord!
Sir Pentious: Pardon?! Who said that?! What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?! Speak up!
Egg Boi 5: That wasn't us, Mr. Bossman.
*Suddenly a small bomb is thrown into the ship and explodes. A cyclops sinner appears in front once the dust clears.*
Cherri Bomb: You lookin' for a fight, old man?! Why don't you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I smash it?!
*A large pipe falls and crushes an Egg Boi.*
Cherri Bomb: ...More!
Sir Pentoius: You wanna go, missy?! Well, I'm happy to oblige! Ahahah!
*The Egg Bois hold up a bunch of weapons, ready for a fight.*
*A news broadcast plays on a tv at an electronics store.*
Katie Killjoy: Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy.
Tom Trench: And I'm Tom Trench! Chaos out at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side! Between notable kingpin, Sir Pentious, and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse, Cherri Bomb!
Katie: That's right, Tom! After the recent Extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!
*A clip of Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb’s fight is shown.*
Tom: Those two seem to be really going at it, huh?
Katie: Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot!
Tom: And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot! Hoohoo!
Katie: Haha, you are a limp-dick jackass, Tom! Or should I say…
*She pours scalding hot coffee on his crotch.*
Katie:… no dick?
Tom: Ugh...not again!
Katie: Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell's own head honcho who's here to discuss her brand new passion project! All that and more, after the break! Suck it up, you little bi-
*It then cuts to commercial.*
Luffy: Oohh! Charlie’s part’s coming on soon!
Morbius: Luffy, we can’t be distracted. We’re supposed to be looking for this Angel Dust guy.
Luffy: Oh, right. How do we find him again?
Morbius: Well, Vaggie said he’s Hell’s number 1 porn star, so he might be hard to find. Let’s just keep looking, maybe he'll have paparazzi or something.
Luffy: Got it. Also, what’s a porn star?
Morbius:… I’ll tell you when you're older.
*At the news station, Charlie and Vaggie prepare for the announcement.*
Vaggie: Okay! You remember what to say?
Charlie: Yes! Let's do this!
Vaggie: Just, look at me and I'll mouth it to you.
Charlie: Come on, Vaggie! I know what to say! I just feel like we need to...I don't know, make things sound more exciting! Hooo! What if I si-
Vaggie: Sing a song about it?
Charlie: You knew I was gonna say that!
Vaggie: Because I know you. But, please don't sing! This is serious!
Charlie: Well, you know, I'm better at expressing myself and my goals through song!
Vaggie: But, life isn't a musical, hon.
Charlie: Fine. But, I have these other ideas of what to say. The highlighted bits are the best part!
*She hands Vaggie a piece of paper.*
Vaggie: Uh, it's all highlighted. Is this a drawing...?
Charlie: Yes! That's the happy ending, see?! Everyone smiling and happy in Heaven!
Vaggie: I don't think it's that simple. Just please follow the talking points we went over. And do not sing!
Charlie: Okay, fiiiine. I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills!
*She walks up to Katie Killjoy.*
Charlie: Hiii! I'm Charlie.
*She attempts to shake her hand.*
Katie: Katie Killjoy. I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie. And you can put that away. I don't touch the gays. I have standards!
Charlie: Yeah? How's uh... how's that working out for ya?
Katie: Look, my time is money. So, I'll keep this short. You're not here because we wanted you here. You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his cannibal cooking segment. You might be some royal big shot, but that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing demon "princess" wants to advertise.
Charlie: But, I-
Katie: So, don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking bury you!
Camera Man: And we're live!
*Katie Killjoy returns to her desk.*
Katie: Welcome back! So, Charlotte!
Charlie: It's... Charlie.
Katie: Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about!
*Vaggie motions her to go on.*
Charlie: Well as most of you know, I was born here in Hell and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me. Hell is my home and you are my people. We... we just went through another Extermination. We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given a chance! I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through... redemption? Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!
*The broadcast it’s played throughout the city.*
Luffy: Looks like she’s off to a good start.
*Morbius looks around and sees that several demons aren’t thrilled.*
Morbius: I wouldn’t be so sure, Luffy.
Charlie: Y'know? 'Cause hotels are for people passin' through... temporarily…
*At Club Kaiju.*
Lizard Demon: Ahahaha! IS this girl for real?! She thinks- You hear what she thinks?! She thi- HAHA! Ah, she's nuts.
Charlie: I think it'll serve a purpose... a place to work toward redemption... yay...!
*Behind Luffy and Morbius, a taller demon watches the broadcast.*
Cameraman: Stupid bitch.
*Vaggie punches him in the face.*
Charlie: Look, every single one of you has something good, deep down inside. I know you do! ...Maybe I'm not getting through to you.
Vaggie: Oh, no…
*Charlie snaps her fingers as the lights turn off. A spot light then shines on her and is a colored by Razzle and Dazzle.*
Morbius: Oh, great. More singing. Right on time.
Charlie: ♫ I have a dream, ♫
♫ I'm here to tell ♫
♫ About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel ♫
♫ Yes, it's one of a kind, right here in Hell ♫
♫ Catering to a specific clientele ♫
Razzle and Dazzle: ♫ Oooh-ooh-ooh ♫
Charlie: ♫ Inside of every Demon is a rainbow! ♫
♫ Inside every sinner is a shiny smile! ♫
♫ Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac, ♫
♫ Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child! ♫
♫ We can turn them 'round! ♫
♫ They'll be Heaven Bound! ♫
♫ With just a little time down at the Happy Hotel! ♫
♫ So, all you junkies, freaks, and weirdos, ♫
♫ Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeroes, ♫
♫ And downfallen superheroes, hope is here! ♫
♫ All of you cretins, sluts, and losers, ♫
♫ Sexual deviants and boozers ♫
♫ And prescription drug abusers ♫
♫ Need not fear! ♫
♫ Forever again ♫
♫ We'll cure your sin ♫
♫ We'll make you well, you'll feel so swell ♫
♫ Right here in Hell, at the Happy Hotel! ♫
♫ There'll be no more fire, ♫
♫ And no more screams ♫
♫ Just puppy dog kisses, and cotton candy dreams ♫
♫ And puffy-wuffy clouds, you're gonna be like "Wow!" ♫
♫ Once you check in with meeeee! ♫
♫ So, all your cartoon porn addictions, ♫
♫ Vegan rants, psychic predictions, ♫
♫ Ancient Roman crucifixions ♫
♫ End right here! ♫
♫ All you monsters, thieves, and crazies, ♫
♫ Cannibals and crying babies, ♫
♫ Frothing mouth that's full of rabies, ♫
♫ Filled with cheer! ♫
♫ You'll be complete! ♫
♫ It'll be so neat! ♫
♫ Our service can't be beat! ♫
♫ You'll be on easy street! (Yes!)♫
♫Life will be sweet at the Happy Hotel ♫
Yeah!
Demon: Wow! ...That was shit!
*All the staff in the station laughs at her.*
Katie: What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person?! You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good?! Just... because?!
Charlie: Well, we have a patron already, who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress!
Katie: Oh? And who might that be?
Charlie: Oh, just someone named... Angel Dust!
Tom: The porn star?
Katie: You fucking would, Tom! In any case, that's not even an accomplishment. I'm sure you could get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube.
Charlie: Oh, I beg to differ! He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now.
Announcer: Breaking News!
Katie: We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let's go to the live feed.
*Live footage is shown of the fight between Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb again. But this time, Angel is helping Cherri in the battle. Not only that, Luffy and Morbius have gotten themselves involved as well.*
Luffy: I’m gonna have all you talking eggs for breakfast!
*Several Egg Bois dog pile Morbius.*
Morbius: Get these fucking things off me!
Charlie: Oh... shit.
Katie: Oh, shit" indeed! It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than porn actor, Angel Dust! What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid, right now.
Katie and Tom: Ratings!
Charlie: Don’t look at this!
*Charlie tries to block the feed from the viewers.*
Katie: Not only that, two living humans have somehow made their way into Hell! Don’t tell me those clowns have something to do with your hotel?!
Morbius: We’re gonna be in some much trouble! Charlie and Vaggie told us to not cause a scene!
Katie: Hahahahaha! Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival. Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure?
*Everyone in the studio keeps laughing at Charlie.*
Charlie: Yeah, well... How does it feel that I got your pen, huh?!
*She grabs Katie’s pen.*
Charlie: ...Bitch!
*But all the laughter stops.*
Charlie: Ehehe... Oops.
*Charlie tries to give it back and Tom runs away as Katie looms over her.*
*Cherri Bomb destroys some Egg Bois with a rocket launcher.*
Cherri Bomb: Heyyy, thanks for the back up, Angie!
Angel Dust: Hahaha! You kiddin'? This is the best action I've seen in ages!
Cherri Bomb: Where've you been, anyway? I thought you up and died or some shit.
Angel Dust: Oh, I wish! I've been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town. Some broads are lettin' me stay rent-free if I play nice.
*He then pulls out a Tommy Gun and begins shooting several Egg Bois.*
Angel Dust: Y'know, no fights, no pranks, no "problematic language"... Her words, not mine. These crazy bitches are no fun! I've been clean for two weeks!
Cherri: Ho-ly shit!
Angel Dust: Well, sorta clean. Just clean as you can get from a shitload of Bolivian marching powder!
*Luffy spits out some yolk that got in his mouth.*
Luffy: These egg guys taste terrible!
Morbius: Of course they do, dude! They’re uncooked!
Angel Dust: Hey, who the fuck are you two? I must’ve inhaled something cause I’m seeing living people.
Cherri Bomb: I see em’ too, Angie.
Morbius: Sorry, but uh, is one of you Angel Dust?
Angel Dust: Who’s asking?
Luffy: We are. Charlie and “Vaggie” sent us to see if you’re ok.
Angel: Oh, great. They sent me some babysitters?
*Suddenly, Sir Pentious wraps a chain around him and pulls Angel Dust to the ground.*
Angel Dust: Ohh! Harder, Daddy!
Sir Pentious: Son?!
*Angel is confused. Cherri Bomb then kicks him.*
Sir Pentoius: Grr! You whores have no classss! In war, The side remembered is the side with the most ssstyle!
Cherri Bomb: Or the side that ain't dead!
Luffy: Or the side that wins!
Angel Dust: Speakin' a style, is your hat like, alive or something?
Morbius: Yeah, does it have a mind of its own? Why is there an eye on it?
Sir Pentious: Oh! Well, that's none of your GOD DAMN BUSSSSINESS! Now, is it?
Angel Dust: Hah, would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?
Egg Boi: Oooooh!
Luffy: Obviously the hat is the top one. It’s on his head after all.
Morbius: That’s not what he means, Luffy.
Sir Pentious: I'm going to blow you to bitssss!
Angel Dust: Hm, kinky!
Sir Pentious: Oh, not like that! Pervert!
*Angel notices an Egg Boi behind Cherri, holding some kind of launcher. He pushes her out of the way and some tentacles are fired that restrain him.*
Sir Pentious: Not so cocky now, are we?!
Angel Dust: Y'know, you really gotta watch what comes outta ya mouth. I've been making these sex jokes the whole-
*Sir Pentious pulls out a drill.*
Angel Dust: TIME! And it's obvious ya ain't catchin' on. I mean, it's just sad!
*He then reveals a third pair of arms and shoots at Sir Pentious.*
Cherri Bomb: So, think you're gonna get in a lotta trouble for this?
Angel Dust: Eh, what's one little brawl gonna cause?
*As Charlie and Katie fight each other, Tom is on fire.*
Tom: WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?!
Cherri Bomb: Glad you haven't changed! You know you're my favorite guy to party with!
Angel Dust: You know it, sugar tits!
Morbius: Um, I hate to break the bonding moment, but there’s still a snake man and an army of talking eggs to deal with.
Cherri Bomb: You ready to finish this?
Angel Dust: Born ready, baby!