Hellboy part 4
*Some witches begin to sew Nimue’s body back together. This brings her pain.*
Gruagach: Careful, you slags!
Nimue: The pain is fleeting compared to 1,500 years locked in a box.
Gruagach: I only live to serve, my Queen.
Nimue: You only serve to get your revenge against this Hellboy. Why is he so important to you?
Gruagach: He burnt me with iron and cursed me to a world of shame. I could've been a person. Not this wasted, wandering thing. I could've had a real life, filled with light and happiness. Hellboy stole that from me.
Nimue: Poor creature. Lust for vengeance has made us both blind with rage.
Witch: Nimue, Queen of Witches. Nimue who lives. Nimue, who can never die.
*They finish sewing her back together.*
Nimue: But now, I see a new path laid out before me, one that would lead to far greater glory. And your Hellboy is the key.
Gruagach: Hellboy? But… Where are we going with this? I don't... I don't understand.
Nimue: You will. But first, we must complete one final task.
*The next day, everyone arrives at a small fish and chips shop in London.*
Hellboy: Fish 'n chips shop?
Daimio: We're here.
Hellboy: This is it?
Daimio: Were you expecting a sign that says "Secret Headquarters"?
Morbius: No, but we weren’t expecting… well, this.
Luffy: Can we get some?
*They enter the shop.*
Daimio: Mrs. Harker.
Mrs. Harker: Hello.
Hellboy: Whoa, I thought it smelled bad on the outside.
Daimio: I'll let you four take it from here. I'm leaving. And you, don't go anywhere. Last thing I need is some freak wandering around scaring the locals.
*He leaves the shop.*
Alice: Where's he going? Haven't we got to be saving the world or something?
Hellboy: Uh… He's an asshole.
Mrs. Harker: Oi. I need some ID, love.
Hellboy: Are you serious?
Mrs. Harker: Rules are rules, I'm afraid.
Morbius: Crap. I didn’t bring it.
*They descend down an elevator that leads to the M-11 base underground.*
Hellboy: Whoa. Mmm. Now I've been to purgatory and hell.
Agent: It was an old bomb shelter that was refurbished after the war.
Luffy: Cool.
Hellboy: Refurbished? You call this refurbished?
*They meet with Broom who is sitting at a large desk.*
Broom: Oh, good, you're here! This is all we got on Nimue so far.
*They see a pile of books.*
Hellboy: We're fine. Thank you for asking. Your friends at Osiris, not so much.
Broom: No two stories are alike, but everything seems to suggest she won't get her full powers until she's completely restored.
Hellboy: Hey, hey, did you hear me? All your friends are dead!
Broom: And there'll be a lot more dead if we don't find her. So perhaps you two would like to grab a book, do some research, maybe find out where she is, so we can bury her before she buries us.
Hellboy: Great. Homework.
Luffy: We’ve got to read all of these?
Morbius: That’s generally what you do with books.
Luffy: This is gonna be so boring.
Hellboy: Right? No wonder Daimio took off.
*Daimio enters a gunsmith shop not far from the fish and chips shop. There he meets with a couple of gunsmiths that make him a special bullet.*
Damio: Agent Daimio, M-11. Is the package ready?
Gunsmith 1: Sir, almost.
Daimio: You're sure this is going to work? A lot of people have tried to kill him already.
Gunsmith 1: Not with something like this they didn't. It's cast from Judas Silver mixed with the blood of Saint Dominic, blessed by the Holy Father himself. It will work, I assure you.
Gunsmith 2: Assuming you've actually got to use it. I mean, who's to say this bloke's not on the level?
Daimio: Do you know what I did before joining the service? I was an actuary. I assessed risk based on a series of complex mathematical equations. You see, people lie, but numbers don't. And from where I stand, Hellboy doesn't add up. The monster inside him cannot be denied. It's not personal, it's just maths. So, yeah, can't see letting him live.
Gunsmith 1: Make sure it's a kill shot. Either the heart or the brain.
Daimio: The heart it is. Hellboy's brain is too small a target.
Hellboy: Why does this book have so many words?
*Morbius finishes reading one of the many books they have to go through.*
Morbius: 1 book down. But many more to go. That was fun!
Luffy: How do you find this fun?
Morbius: It's mythology. Stories passed down from generation to generation, they can tell us a lot.
Luffy: uuuughhh.
Morbius: Illiterate.
Broom: Found anything useful in it?
Morbius: Just stuff we already know so far.
Broom: What about you? Find anything useful yet?
*But Luffy has fallen asleep.*
Morbius: Well, now I know a good way to put him to sleep.
Boom: Oi, Straw Hat!
*Luffy wakes up.*
Luffy: Are we done yet?
Broom: We’ve been at this for an hour. Now crack another book and find anything on Nimue that we don’t have already so she doesn’t kill everyone.
Hellboy: Let's say we find Nimue, huh? Let's say we find her. Then what?
*Hellboy sits down with his feet on the desk.*
Broom: Well, with a righteous fury and a mighty fist, you'll smite her down. Oh, now, come on, Hellboy, take your feet off Churchill's desk, will you?
Morbius: I highly doubt this is actually Winston Churchill’s-
*But he sees a small plaque that proves that it is.*
Morbius: … I stand corrected.
Alice: Whoa. Wicked.
Hellboy: Then what?
Alice: Then we make sure she doesn't come back for the sequel.
Hellboy: Then what?
Broom: Then the world will keep on spinning and we'll have another cup of tea.
Hellboy: And then… what?
Broom: What are you on about?
Hellboy: Just answer the question.
Broom: And then what? Well, we fight our next foe. It's what we do.
Hellboy: And then what?
Alice: Guys.
Hellboy: And then... What?
Broom: You have something to say, say it.
Hellboy: Your moral high ground is founded on a pile of bullshit.
Broom: This is the B.P.R.D. We're the line in the sand.
Hellboy: That's the thing about sand, you can always draw another line.
Alice: Guys!
Morbius: Do we really have time for family arguments? I'm enjoying this myths and monsters docu-
Broom: If we weren't here, this would be Satan's holiday home.
Hellboy: You know, maybe if humans weren't so keen on killing witches and demons and such, the witches and demons and such wouldn't be so keen on killing humans.
Broom: That's a false equivalence and you know it.
Hellboy: There's gotta be another way. The answer to every threat we face cannot be annihilation. There's gotta be a world where monsters don't have to hide in the shadows, where they don't have to live in fear. Where monsters…
Broom: Has she got to you? Nimue, she got to you with her perfumed words and her perky breasts?
Hellboy: So stupid!
Broom: Oh!
Hellboy: I'm not even talking about her!
Broom: Then who?
Hellboy: We face every mystical and metaphysical threat there is, and yet you take me in. Why? You were sent to kill me. What changed your mind?
Broom: You did.
Hellboy: You gave me a gun on my tenth birthday! You sent me into the Wildungen forest to hunt a pack of wild hill trolls!
Broom: Here we go again. No, we didn't play Snakes and Ladders. We didn't play Go Fish.
I didn't coach you in football or baseball.
Hellboy: You made me a goddamn weapon.
Broom: I just wanted to help you become the best you.
Hellboy: If you, uh, loved me, maybe you could talk to some of your human friends that would want to see me dead, rather than unleashing me to slaughter my brothers and sisters!
*Hellboy leaves the room in a fit of anger.*
Broom: What?
Alice: Just solid parenting.
Hellboy: Goddamn humans.
*As he heads to the elevator, Luffy and Morbius join him in the elevator.*
Hellboy: Look, if you’re gonna give some generic advice like or some crap, don’t bother.
Luffy: Actually, I just wanted to get more fish and chips.
Morbius: And I need to use the bathroom and this place is a maze that I don’t have time to figure out.
Hellboy: Oh.
*Hellboy presses the button for the top floor.*
Elevator: Going up.
*But it then stops and goes down.*
Elevator: Going down.
Hellboy: I pushed up!
*He pushes the button again but it keeps going down.*
Elevator: Going down.
Hellboy: Up!
*He pushes it again but it keeps going down.*
Elevator: Going down.
Hellboy: What the fuck?
Luffy: I think you broke it.
*Hellboy repeatedly slams the button but they keep going down.*
Hellboy: Up! Up! Up! Up!
Elevator: Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Going down.
Morbius: Oh, shit! This isn’t good! We’re gonna crash!
*The lights suddenly go out and they are lifted into the air for a bit before the elevator stops and they fall down.*
Elevator: Lower ground.
Luffy: Stupid elevator…
*They exit the elevator and are suddenly transported to a foggy forest.*
Morbius: Where are we?
Luffy: What kind of elevator was that?
*They then see a large house with chicken legs approach them.*
Hellboy: Baba Yaga.
Luffy: Baba what?
Morbius: You mean that witch from Russian folklore?
Hellboy: Yup.
*The house sets itself down and allows Hellboy, Luffy and Morbius to approach the door. After they reach the doorstep, the house gets on its feet again and they quickly go inside.*
Hellboy: Baba? Baba Yaga!
Luffy: Who’s Baba Yaga?
Morbius: She’s a witch who lives in a chicken legged house that eats the bones of dead people.
Hellboy: And she’s one mean son of a bitch.
Morbius: How the heck do you know her?
Hellboy: Let’s just say we go a ways back.
*They walk through the house but there’s no sign of anyone.*
Hellboy: Ah, cut the crap. I know you're here.
Why'd you summon me? You wanna play games, huh? Tell you what, let's break out the Yahtzee. Otherwise, I'm not interested.
???: I felt your hunger, and I have prepared a feast for you.
*An old disfigured woman crawls out of a large mortar and lands on the floor. She gets up and reveals herself to them.*
Hellboy: Don't you look lovely.
Baba Yaga: Most think me grotesque. An old hag with one eye.
Hellboy: Oh, no, not me.
Baba Yaga: Probably because you did this to me!
Hellboy: I recall you trying to raise Stalin's ghost from the Necropolis. I had to do something to stop you.
Baba Yaga: So you shot out my eye and put me in this prison.
Hellboy: You know, I thought that banishing you to an adjacent dimension was, uh, kinda clever.
Luffy: You shot scary witch lady’s eye out?
Baba Yaga: That he did. Come. Sit. Eat.
*She guides them to a dining room table with large amounts of food.*
Luffy: Oh! This looks yummy!
Hellboy: Yeah. Quite a spread for just four people.
Baba Yaga: We celebrate her return.
Hellboy: Nimue?
Baba Yaga: You are correct to applaud her righteousness. In her world, you will be hailed a hero!
Morbius: And what about us?
Baba Yaga: You will no longer be seen as a monster and will be normal.
Luffy: And me?
Baba Yaga: You will be flayed by your entrails and paraded throughout the streets. They will build statues of you, 2,000 feet high! Made from the bones of your enemies.
Hellboy: That'd take a shit-ton of bones. What is for dinner?
Luffy: I hope there’s lots of meat.
*Hellboy opens a pot of soup and sees fingers in it.*
Hellboy: Is that a child?
Baba Yaga: It's just a human child.
*They look behind themselves and see a butcher room with dead children hanging on meat hooks. Baba Yaga pours them some of the soup. Luffy makes a visibly disgusted face*
Morbius: … I don't think I wanna go to the bathroom anymore.
Baba Yaga: Eat.
*She tries to feed Hellboy but he knocks over the bowl.*
Hellboy: Oh, God! So clumsy. Sorry about that. We gotta go. Gotta be there for that resurrection. Gonna be better than The Beatles!
Luffy: But there’s still plenty of normal food left.
Morbius: Luffy, if a scary witch has soup made of people do not eat anything else she has.
*They leave the table.*
Baba Yaga: I can help you.
Hellboy: You can, can't you? You know where Nimue is, don't you?
Baba Yaga: Such nice eyes. Yellow as piss.
My favorite color. I want one to replace what you took from me.
Hellboy: That's not gonna happen, sister.
Baba Yaga: Your time is running out, demon. Once Nimue's resurrection is complete, her plague will strip the flesh from bodies.
Hellboy: All right, fine, take it.Just tell me where to find Nimue first.
Baba Yaga: This is a sacred bargain. Once made, it cannot be broken.
Hellboy: What, do you want it in writing? You want one of these guys to eat?
Baba Yaga: No need. Let's seal it with a kiss.
*She then proceeds to kiss Hellboy, grossing out Luffy and Morbius.*
Morbius: I think I’m gonna puke… AGAIN.
Hellboy: How do you have hair on your tongue?
Baba Yaga: Go to Pendle Hill. She will need to reclaim her blood in order to restore her power.
You only have until midnight. Which shall it be, the right or the left?
*Baba Yaga grabs a sickle.*
Baba Yaga: Now, this will hurt a lot.
*But Hellboy stops her.*
Baba Yaga: You swore!
Hellboy: You'll get your eye. Soon as I'm done with it. We never specified a time frame. Should've been more specific.
Luffy: Bye, scary witch lady.
*But she disappears.*
Morbius: Where’d she go?
*She appears in front of them and attacks them with a pair of sickles. Luffy stretches his arms to try and restrain her but he crawls towards Hellboy and tries to cut his eye out. He uses his right hand to block the sickles. Morbius jumps on her but she stabs him in the hand. This gives Hellboy the opportunity to get on top of her.*
Hellboy: You've been eating children!
*Baba Yaga commands her house to lean forward, making Hellboy, Luffy and Morbius fall down and stop at the doorway.*
Baba Yaga: Go! Take your eyes and have them for a while. But cheat me and here's my curse, that you have two eyes to see the thing you love most in the world suffer and die!
*They fall out of the house and crash onto Churchill’s desk at the M-11 base.*
Luffy: Ow…
Morbius: I’m gonna get that old hag one of these days.
Broom: So, are you just not using doors anymore? Don't keep us in suspense.
Hellboy: We just had a visit from Baba Yaga. The Blood Queen's in Pendle Hill. We're on a clock!
Broom: Glad to see you've straightened your priorities out.
Hellboy: I'm not taking orders from you, old man! I'm just drawing my own line in the sand! Somebody, please, get me a mint!
Luffy: And some food please!
Morbius: Where’s the goddamn bathroom?!