Adventure Guys

*Hellboy wakes up to see Luffy and Morbius sitting in front of him.*
Luffy: He’s awake!
Morbius: Phew. We thought you may have died.
Hellboy: You 2 are still alive?
Morbius: Yeah. The giants were too busy killing the hunters so we hid from them.
Luffy: Also, you have a spear stuck in you.
Hellboy: Oh.
*Hellboy take it out.*
Hellboy: That hurt. Okay. So where are the giants now?
Morbius: See for yourself.
*He sees 2 of the giants eating from the bodies of the hunters.*
Hellboy: Well, look at that. I guess you did need our help after all.
Morbius: So fucking gross. Good thing they haven’t heard us yet. So if we sneak out of here, we might be able to get away.
Hellboy: Wait a minute. I thought there was supposed to be three.
Luffy: Where’s the last one?
*Suddenly, it appears behind them and tries to slash them with a sword. They’re able to avoid it but Hellboy gets knocked back. Another giant grabs Luffy and attempts to rip him in half. But all it does is stretch his body.*
Luffy: Hey, knock it off!
Morbius: … Great.
*Morbius quickly climbs up the giant’s face and slashes his eyes, forcing it to let go of Luffy.*
Luffy: Alright. Now, gum gum battle ax!
*Luffy stretches his leg high into the air and lets it descend via gravity to deliver a kick to the giant’s head. A giant tries to slice Hellboy with an ax but he avoids it. He then grabs a large tree and hurls it into the sword giant’s eye. Hellboy then climbs up on it and punches it in the face.*
Morbius: Hit him again, Luffy!
*But the giant slams his head into Luffy while Morbius is on his face.*
Morbius: Ow…
*The ax giant then tries to hit Hellboy but he gets out of the way and the sword giant’s head is hit instead, killing it. The giant that attacked Luffy and Morbius then grabs a large hammer and hits Hellboy with it. Crashing next to them.*
Hellboy: God, I'm gonna feel that in the morning.
Luffy: Giant incoming!
*The hammer giant tries to slam them but it misses and falls down. Hellboy grabs onto some saddles tied around its head.*
Hellboy: Come to papa. Hold still, handsome!
*Hellboy punches it in the face and then in the eye.*
Hellboy: It's fucking wet in there!
*Hellboy then sees a broken tree.*
Hellboy: Hey, kid! Can you trip the giant?!
Luffy: No problem! Gum gum whip!
*Luffy stretches his leg and kicks the giant’s legs in a wide circle. This causes it to fall down and have its head impaled by the broken tree Hellboy positioned.*
Hellboy: What have you been eating?
Morbius: Shit, there’s still one more!
Hellboy: Oh, shit, I forgot.
*The ax giant tries to slice them again but they move out of its way. Hellboy punches its foot and causes it to fall down.*
Hellboy: Yeah, it's just you and me now, princess!
*But it kicks him and is knocked back. Luffy and Morbius try to attack it but they too get swiped away. Hellboy sees the sword used by one of the giants and picks it up over his shoulders as the last one comes after him. He swings it with all his might and cuts off one of its arms and legs, making it fall. He finally kills it by hitting it in the head with the sword.*
Luffy: Are they dead?
Morbius: Hopefully. The next time we have to deal with these things, I’m gonna have a gun.
Hellboy: Well, our job here is done. Now just to…
*But all the sudden they all start to feel fatigued. Luffy and Morbius pass out but Hellboy sees a van pull up.*
Hellboy: Is that our Uber?
*He then passes out as he sees people coming out of it.*

*Hellboy wakes up to find that his wounds have been bandaged and is sitting on a couch in an apartment. Luffy and Morbius are lying on the floor next to him.*
Hellboy: Hey, wake up.
*They wake up and see that their wounds are bandaged up as well.*
Morbius: What happened?
Luffy: I don’t know. Last thing I remember was defeating those giants and then passing out. Where are we?
Hellboy: Somebody’s apartment.
Morbius: But who brought us here? And who patched us up?
*They see a woman cooking in her kitchen and she notices them.*
???: Welcome back to the land of the living.
*She takes a bandage off his chest and his wound is gone leaving only a scar.*
???: Hardly a scratch left. You heal fast. Though I can’t say the same for those 2. I suggest you 2 lads take it easy for a bit.
Hellboy: Where am I?
???: Bacon, eggs and black pudding, do ya? You look like you could use a proper English breakfast. Go on, sit down before you fall down.
Hellboy: How did we get here?
???: A man with a van. Actually, four men.
You owe me 300 quid, by the way.
Hellboy: I'm sorry, do I know you?
???: "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! "The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! "Beware..."
Hellboy: ...the Jubjub bird..."
???: "...and shun the frumious... "...the frumious..." "...Bandersnatch!"
Hellboy: Alice. Little Alice Monaghan.
Alice: Not so little Alice Monaghan.
Morbius: You know her?
Hellboy: Back when she was just a baby.
Luffy: What was that you said?
Alice: It’s from Alice In Wonderland.
Luffy: I don’t remember that from the movie.
Morbius: It was a book first, dude.
Hellboy: This is what you do now, huh? You what, you read tea leaves? You, uh, you tell people's fortune?
Alice: I make use of the gifts I was given.
Oh, yeah?
Hellboy: You let folks talk to their dead relatives? For what, like five bucks a pop?
Alice: More like a tenner.
*She tears another bandage off him.*
Alice: Missed one.
Luffy: You can talk to ghosts?!
Morbius: But ghosts aren't real. I've seen a lot of weird shit, but you actually think people's “souls” can just walk away from their bodies? There's no logic, or science to it, so it can't be real.
Alice: Stick with me and you’ll see how real they are.
*An alarm goes off on her oven.*
Alice: Bollocks!
*She tries to prepare the food she was making but it’s all burned.*
Alice: You'll have to eat around the burnt bits.
Luffy: It’s fine. Bet it’ll taste just the same if it wasn’t.
Alice: And lucky for you, too. If it weren't for the dead, I never would've found you. They keep blathering on. Especially Mom and Dad.
Hellboy: Oh.
Alice: They say hi, by the way.
*They see 2 urns next to a picture of her parents above the fireplace.*
Hellboy: Sorry. I didn't know.
Alice: Why would you? Maybe if you'd given a flying fig and checked in on me once in the past 20...
*She then hears the voices of spirits.*
Alice: What? No, he doesn't. Just let me deal with it.
Hellboy: More dead people?
Alice: I told you, they never shut up.
Morbius: Or it could be schizophrenia.
*They all sit down at the table and Luffy begins to eat the burned food.*
Hellboy: What are they telling you now?
Alice: They're saying I should kill you while I have the chance. You see, they know what you don't, that I've got a shotgun under the table loaded with angel bones aimed right at your todger.
Hellboy: Seems like everybody wants me dead nowadays. They give you a reason?
Alice: Only that the end is coming. And it'll be you that brings it.
Hellboy: *spanish* The end is coming.
Alice: Google-translate that, would you?
Hellboy: It's just something that a friend told me, you know. Like a prophecy. You gonna shoot me or what?
*Alice gets under the table. Hellboy is glad that he wasn’t shot in the crotch. He gets under the table too.*
Alice: The dead might be afraid of your demon ass, but I know you better. Besides, I still owe you one for saving my life when I was just a kid.
*Luffy and Morbius get under the table with them.*
Morbius: Is there a reason why we’re under the table?
Hellboy: Yeah, what are we doing here?
Alice: Avoiding the glass.
*Suddenly, police break through the door and window.*
Hellboy: Stay here!
*Hellboy then proceeds to beat them up with Luffy and Morbius joining in.*
Morbius: You’ll never take us alive!
Broom: That's my boy.
Hellboy: Dad!
Broom: Hello, son.
Luffy: Hey, old guy!

Broom: I just don't know why you were so angry with me.
Hellboy: You couldn't have knocked?
Broom: Well, I told you, after we cleaned up the mess you left behind with the giants and you weren't there, I feared the worst. Thank God you're alright. Okay?
Hellboy: You know what hurts worse than being stabbed in the back? Being stabbed in the back.
Morbius: And the electrocution was annoying.
Luffy: Those friends of yours almost killed us.
Broom: Oh, come on. You can't possibly believe that I knew the Osiris Club was plotting to assassinate you.
Hellboy: You know what I can't believe? I can't believe you showed up on Nazi island all those years ago just to kill me. Yeah, that's right, I bumped into your old flame, Lady Hatton. She, uh, filled me in on a couple of the missing pieces of our family narrative.
Luffy: And something about a lobster.
*They both look at Luffy.*
Morbius: I suggest we stay out of this family argument, Luffy.
Broom: Well, if you wanna dig up my sordid skeletons, I'll be the first to hand you a shovel.
But this is not the time, and there's someone I wanna introduce you to, okay? Major Ben Daimio, head of Special Ops for M-11.
Hellboy: M-11?
Broom: My son.
Hellboy: I thought you guys disbanded after the war.
Ben Daimio: And I thought we were supposed to be fighting monsters, not working with them.
Hellboy: Who you calling monster, pal? You look in the mirror recently, Scarface?
Daimio: Is that meant to be humor?
Hellboy: Maybe. My therapist does say that I rely on jokes as a way to normalize.
Daimio: Normalize, right. Good luck with that.
Broom: So glad to see you two are getting along. Since this is on British soil, it'll be a joint operation.
Hellboy: Please, I don't need any help kicking the dentures out of the Osiris Club, all right? I got this.
Broom: No, this is bigger than you know.
St. Sebastian's has been attacked and a relic was stolen. Thought to be one of the Nimue Caskets.
Hellboy: Nim-who?
Hellboy: Vivienne Nimue. Also known as the Blood Queen. An immortal fifth century sorceress. Amongst her powers, she has a plague that almost wiped Britain off the map.
And this time it could be the world.
Daimio: King Arthur himself took care of that monster. He used Excalibur to dismember her, then locked the pieces in caskets and hid them throughout the country.
Broom: Very impressive, Major.
Morbius: Wait, we’re not talking about THE King Arthur, right?
Luffy: Who’s he?
Morbius: He was once the king of England hundreds of years ago. He wielded a sword called Excalibur that only he could use. But he’s not real. He’s supposed to be a legend. Like Jesus.
Broom: All legends are based on something… and Jesus was definitely real
Morbius: Now I'm thinking he could be…
Broom: The Osiris Club discovered one in the '30s and kept it as part of their permanent collection.
Hellboy: Great. So we go back to the Osiris Club, we find this casket, we figure out whoever's trying to Humpty Dumpty this Blood Queen back together and we get a little payback while we're at it.
Daimio: Payback? This isn't about revenge.
Hellboy: For me, it is.
Luffy: Yeah. I wanna beat those club guys up for trying to kill us.
Morbius: Me too.
Daimio: Once the casket is secure, you'll be on the first flight out. The Bureau can put you back in your cage.
Hellboy: My cage? My cage! I'm gonna ask specifically that you clean my sawdust. Can't wait till you smell demon shit, pal!

Alice: They tell me you're the man in charge.
Daimio: What's this?
Alice: A bill for damages.
Daimio: A million pounds? For a few broken windows?
Alice: You've gotta factor in the emotional trauma.
Daimio: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Alice: I'm the girl who saved Hellboy. Who the hell are you?
Hellboy: Yeah, I wanted to thank you for that, by the way. And thank you guys for having my back back there.
Luffy: Nah, no bother.
Daimio: So, they’re what, your bodyguards?
Alice: Fucking right I am. So let's go.
Daimio: This is a military operation! Not a carnival sideshow. And sure as hell can’t be working with criminals wanted by the world government.
Hellboy: They are the only people I trust, alright? So, you want me, they come with.
*He puts a helmet on her head.*
Broom: Here, your new toy.
*He hands Hellboy a briefcase.*
Broom: Do what you have to do.
Morbius: What are you gonna do?
Broom: I'm going back to HQ and try to locate the rest of the Blood Queen. Good luck, hmm?
Daimio: Professor. What about the girl?
Broom: Alice? She's a powerful spirit medium.
Take her with you.
Daimio: And the pirates?
Broom: Take them too. We need all the help we can get.
Daimio: All right, we're done here! Let's move it out!
*They all get inside a van that drives to the Osiris Club.*
Alice: Well, aren't you gonna open it?
*Hellboy opens it to reveal a large revolver in it.*
Alice: That's mega.
Luffy: What a big gun.
Hellboy: He's probably overcompensating
'cause he's not my real dad.
Alive: That's some present.
Hellboy: Some dads get their kids LEGOs.
Morbius: Some dads just go away to buy milk. I'd kill for a dad to give me a fucking gun.

*As they arrive at the Osiris Club, Alice gets a headache.*
Hellboy: What's wrong?
Alice. Psychic migraine. It's like a car crash in my head.
Morbius: I recommend some Tylenol for that.
Alice: Something terrible happened here.
Hellboy: Stay here. Don't move.
*Everyone but Alice gets out of the vans and moves towards the front entrance as she continues to experience headaches.*
Alice: Oh, God.
Daimio: Hold. Move on my command.
Hellboy: What? Can we go in now?
Luffy: Yeah, let’s kick their asses!
Alice: For fuck's sake, help him! Can't you hear him screaming?
Morbius: Screaming?
Hellboy: Alice.
*She opens the door and they all see the butler dead on the floor. Daimio orders his men to search the building and they all find the remaining Osiris club members, including Carp, dead. Their bodies scattered across the room and in pieces.*
Luffy: What happened here?
Morbius: Looks like someone beat us to the punch.
*They then hear something coming from one of the rooms.*
Daimio: What is that sound?
*Morbius uses his echolocation to locate the source of the sound.*
Morbius: It’s coming from the trophy room.
*They rush to the trophy room and see Lady Hatton dead on the table. The sound coming from her crystal ball rolling around on the floor.*
Hellboy: It's Lady Hatton.
Alice: The psychic you were telling us about?
Daimio: Clearly, she wasn't psychic enough.
Luffy: What happened to her?
Morbius: By the looks of it, someone or something broke her neck.
Hellboy: Alice, picking up anything?
Alice: Her spirit's still with us.
Hellboy: You think you can make contact? Figure out what the hell happened here?
Alice: You might wanna leave, Major. This kind of thing isn't pretty.
Daimio: And miss all the fun? Not a chance.
Luffy: Oh, are we gonna sss ghosts?
*Alice approaches Lady Hatton’s body.*
Alice: Lady Hatton, can you hear me? Lady Hatton?
*Lady Hatton’s spirit regurgitates itself out of Alice's mouth.*
Daimio: Well, I'll be fucked.
Luffy: Whoa.
Morbius: Ok, now I’m a believer. And now I think I’m gonna be sick…
*He vomits somewhere on the floor.*
Lady Hatton: Nimue, she has returned.
Hellboy: Yeah, we know that. Uh, is that why Osiris tried to kill me?
Lady Hatton: Man will fall to her darkness. Those who call the shadows home will rise again.
Hellboy: Okay. I'd appreciate a prophecy with smaller and more relatable stakes.
Lady Hatton: The Queen must never find a king! When Nimue is whole again, then your true destiny will be revealed. This I have seen. Only then will...
Hellboy: Only then will what? Hey, hey! Hey!
You're just getting to the good part!
Luffy: Finish what you’re gonna say, ghost lady!
Lady Hatton: It's still here!
*Her spirit retreats back into Alice.*
Daimio: Are you all right?
Alice: No. A lady just came out of my fucking mouth!
Morbius: She said it’s still here. What was she talking about?... hang on what does a lady coming out of your mouth even feel like!?
*They hear growling and gunfire coming from another room.*
Hellboy: Stay with her.
*Hellboy, Luffy and Morbius run to the source of the sound and see the pig monster carrying the chest.*
Pig monster: Oh, fuck!
Hellboy: I know you.
Luffy: It’s a pig man!
Morbius: Is there anything that can surprise me anymore?
*Hellboy smashes the chest and Nimue’s arm falls on the floor.*
Hellboy: Is that an arm?
*The pig monster attacks them and manages to beat up Luffy and Morbius. But Hellboy pins it to the wall.*
Pig monster: Fucking let me go!
Hellboy: Oh, that's disgusting! Didn't your mother ever tell you you shouldn't play with dead things!
Pig monster: My Queen, help me! I'm not ready yet! My Queen!
*Suddenly, Nimue appears to Hellboy in front of a bright light.*
Nimue: Fascinating. Never have I seen a creature quite like you.
Hellboy: Nimue.
Nimue: Such power, such glorious potential. There is no reason for us to be enemies, when we can be so much more. They fear us. They call us monsters. We yearn for the same day, when we are not reviled but lauded as heroes.
Seed by seed, tree by tree, stone by stone, we'll replant Eden together. What happens next, only the fates decide.
Daimio: Hellboy!
*Suddenly, she disappears. Hellboy attempts to shoot her but nearly hits Daimio.*
Daimio: You fucking prick!
Hellboy: I missed, didn't I?!
*Daimio quickly pulls out an injector and uses it on himself.*

Hellboy: Hey! Tell me you got the bastard.
Soldier: We pursued. The damn thing was just too fast. We didn't even get a proper look at it.
Hellboy: That ugly pig-faced son of a bitch.
Daimio: But you did, didn't you? You know what's going on here, so I strongly suggest you start talking.
Morbius: You said you knew that thing. How?
Hellboy: It was the Gruagach.
Daimio: The what?
Alive: Are you sure?
Hellboy: Yeah. I'd never forget a face like that.
Daimio: What's a Gruagach?
Hellboy: We first crossed paths years ago.
Alice was just a baby at the time, and fairies loved to steal babies. Who knows why, but when they do manage to get their hands on one, they leave a changeling in its place to pass for human.

*Flashback, in 1992, Hellboy visits the Monaghan residence.*
Mrs. Monaghan: She looks the same, but… I can't explain it. That's not my daughter.
Hellboy: Oh, look at you. Alice, aren't you the cutest little baby? Your mom and your dad are, uh, well, worried that you've been acting strange. It's okay. Uncle Hellboy is here. And he's got just the thing for that.
*He pulls out an iron horseshoe and puts it in front of the baby’s face, making it cry.*
Hellboy: Yeah, that's what I thought, you little bastard!
Mr. Monaghan: Ah, Jesus! What are you doing?
Hellboy: Iron. They hate the stuff.
*Hellboy lifts the baby by its leg and it begins to morph into the Gruagach.*
Gruagach: Let me go! Let me go! Ahh! This is child abuse! I'm a little baby, you big fuck!
*It bites his hand and runs into the kitchen.*
Mr. Monaghan: It's disgusting!
Mrs. Monaghan: What is that thing?
Gruagach: Didn't get! Fuck off!
*It tries to run away but Hellboy grabs its leg with iron tongs.*
Gruagach: It hurts! It hurts! I promise! I promise! The fairies will return her! I swear! Just fucking let me go!
Hellboy: Yeah, I'd love to take your word for it.
But you know what? There's one problem, I'm just not stupid!
*It spits in his face, letting it go.*
Gruagach: Twat!
*It then escapes through the fireplace.*
Hellboy: You slippery little bastard!
Listen! You better bring these people back their baby or I'm coming to get her myself! And then you and your fairy friends are gonna be sorry!

*Later that night, as Hellboy reads Alice Through The Looking Glass, the doorbell rings.*
Hellboy: About goddamn time.
*They open the door and see the real Alice on the doorstep as the fairies that kidnapped her flee.*
Mrs. Monaghan: Alice! Oh, my God. She's back.
Hellboy: This better be a clean diaper, or I'm coming after you!

*End flashback*
Alice: Guess I couldn't avoid him forever.
Destiny always has a way of bringing things full circle.
Hellboy: Destiny. Stupid word for "coincidence."
Alice: Don't talk shit about fate. She's a vindictive bitch. We carry every sin committed in our bloodlines.
Hellboy: Blood Queen said pretty much the same thing.
Daimio: So, that's what this is all about? Some fairy tale wanker you pissed off is now looking for revenge?
Morbius: How pitiful.
Alice: And he's now using the Blood Queen to get it.
Hellboy: I don't know about that. Maybe she's using him.
Daimio: And how's that?
Hellboy: This Arthur comes along, chops her up into little pieces, buries her in boxes? Maybe she just wants monsters to come out from the shadows and live again.
Daimio: Great, so she gets another shot at wiping out mankind.
Hellboy: Hey, hey, hey. We don't know that about her. Not for sure.
Luffy: If she does want to kill us all, we can’t let her.
Daimio: My sentiments exactly. Collect our men. I'm taking them back to London HQ.