Adventure Guys

*The next day, Hellboy, Luffy and Morbius arrive at the Osiris club in England.*
Luffy: Woah! This place sure is fancy!
Morbius: I wonder if this is what Usopp’s friend Kaya’s house looks like.
Butler: Your guest, m'lord.
???: Hellboy, welcome. Lord Adam Glaren.
And may I introduce my associates, Dr. Edwin Carp and August Swain.
Hellboy: Hi. You guys ever been to the Osiris Club in Jersey? It's like this, but just with strippers.
Glaren: And these 2 would be?
Hellboy: Just some people I gotta babysit while I’m here. I’m told they’re strong but I’ve yet to see if that’s true.
Carp: May I?
*Carp examines Hellboy’s right hand.*
Carp: Does it do anything special?
Hellboy: Yeah, it smashes things real good.
Morbius: That’s also Luffy’s specialty.
Glaren: We are so very glad you accepted our invitation.
Hellboy: Wasn't really my choice.
Glaren: Ah. Yes. The Professor. Your father and I go back a long way.
Hellboy: Yeah, I heard.
Glaren: The Osiris Club has been long dedicated to preserving the secret history of Great Britain. It affords us certain insights into individuals such as yourself.
Swain: We've also given vital counsel to your B.P.R.D. on occasion.
Hellboy: Look, maybe we could just get on with it. Unless you flew me halfway around the world just so that we could, uh, have a little history lesson.
Morbius: Yeah, I wanna get this over with as soon as possible.
Glaren: Perhaps we should just show you.
*Glaren opens a door within the library.*
Hellboy: Oh. Secret door.
Luffy: That’s so cool!
*They walk through it and follow a narrow hallway.*
Swain: Giants once dominated the British Isles.
Carp: Vile, loathsome creatures. As likely to eat you as look at you. They've always been a problem. Bodies buried all over England.
Glaren: It's a curious feature of giants that they occasionally rise from their graves and wreak havoc. And when they do, we organize a hunt.
The wild hunt.
Hellboy: Oh, catchy.
Luffy: So giants are real?
Glaren: There are many types of them. But these ones in particular are a scourge to mankind.
Morbius: But how does something so large like that even exist? There's this thing called the square cube law.
Glaren: Well to grow that big you need to have bone density and strength to support it. Giants have their way with that.
Hellboy: Clearly you've never met a really tall person.
Morbius: … I met a guy who was like 6 foot 9.
*They then enter a large trophy room where dozens of giant heads are displayed across and a séance table in the center with a crystal ball on it.*
Hellboy: And I thought I had a big head. Clearly, you guys are old pros at this. Why do you need us to help you kill a giant?
Glaren: Three giants, actually. One, we can handle, perhaps even two. But three, that's a different matter altogether.
Swain: This particular trio is terrorizing the New Forest. Sucking on the bones of anyone unlucky enough to fall foul of them.
Carp: The marrow, you see. They can't get enough.
Luffy: Marrow?
Morbius: It’s what’s inside of bones. They’re saying the giants eat it.
Carp: So, if any were to reach a population center…
Hellboy: It's Miller time.
Glaren: This is not a task to be taken lightly, Hellboy. These are Gigantum Mortis. Very unpleasant. Just ask your father. Trevor was a guest of the hunt, when we took one down in '43.
*He shows them a picture of Professor Broom and the Osiris Club after a hunt in 1943.*
Luffy: That’s the old guy?
Hellboy: I always knew Dad aged well, but you guys… Picture looks like it was taken yesterday.
???: There's a reason for that. The phenomenon you so rightly observed was the byproduct of a seance the four of us, along with your Professor Broom, were involved in just before the war.
*A woman enters the room.*
Morbius: Who’s she?
Glaren: Allow me to introduce our resident seer, Lady Elizabeth Hatton.
Lady Hatton: The spirit I made contact with that nightwas exceptionally powerful. It warned us that something was coming.
Something that would end mankind. And that we'd been chosen to seek it out and destroy it. Ever since, we've aged at a snail's pace in order to fulfill that mission no matter how long it took.
Hellboy: Okay. And this thing you're worried about, did it show up?
Lady Hatton: Oh, yes. You did.
Luffy and Morbius: Him?
Lady Hatton: I was there the night that you came into the world. World War II was coming to an end. Germany was all but defeated. But the Nazis still had one last trick up their sleeve. They turned to the infamous necromancer Grigori Rasputin. On an island off the coast of Scotland, they gathered to invoke an ancient occult ritual… intended to turn the tide of war back in Germany's favor. Fortunately, legendary Nazi hunter the Lobster arrived leading the allies on a daring raid.
Morbius: Wait, the Lobster? You mean Lobster Johnson?
Lady Hatton: Yes, that Lobster. Professor Broom and myself were working with the allies at the time. With his knowledge of the occult and my gift of foresight, we led a secret mission to the island to kill whatever abomination was summoned from the depths of hell that night. Instead, we found you. Your father never told you, did he? Why he was really there that night?
Hellboy: Must've slipped his mind.
Morbius: What an origin story.
Lady Hatton: Rasputin brought you in the world as a weapon. With patience and understanding, Broom turned that weapon into a force for good.
Hellboy: "Patience and understanding." You sure we're talking about the same guy?
Lady Hatton: He saw something in you that the rest of us could not. And he raised you as his own son.
Glaren: You should get some rest, Hellboy. Both of you as well. The hunt will assemble at dawn.
Luffy: But first, let’s get some food.
Hellboy: So I'm devil spawn and a Nazi. Great. Thanks, Dad.
*He gets a call from Broom on his phone. He tries to ignore it but he cracks the screen.*
Hellboy: Oh, come on!

*At St. Sebastian’s Abbey, a group of monks under a vow of silence pray to god late at night. Suddenly, they hear several knocks at the front door. One of them writes “Too late for visitors” on a small chalkboard. 2 of the monks go to unlock the door but one of them writes “Don’t open”. However, the door is broken down and kills one of them. It’s revealed to be the pig monster, who has come seeking something in the abbey.*
Pig Monster: Where is it, monk?
*The rest of them run to help him but are scared by the monster.*
Pig monster: Come here, you fucking bastards! Come here! Have you got it?
*It then proceeds to kill all the monks, except for one. Tearing their bodies apart.*
Pig monster: I wonder, does screaming break your vow of silence, brother? You know what I'm looking for. Where is it?
*The last monk grabs the chalk board and writes an arrow pointing down.*
Pig monster: Show me!
*He guides the monster down to the basement and shows him a wall with a symbol on it. It breaks it down to reveal a secret tomb.*
Pig monster: Come here, monk!
*The monk then shows the monster a chest within the walls. It tries to grab it but it burns his hands.*
Pig monster: I fuckin' hate iron! Open it. Speak the words. You know only the words from a man of God can break the seal. Fucking open it!
*The monk refuses to speak.*
Pig monster: Have I gotta do everything meself? Gobshite.
*It proceeds to rip his tongue out, killing him. Then after chewing it, he begins speaking a Latin prayer in the monk’s voice and breaks the iron chains on the chest.*
Pig monster: Welcome back, Your Majesty.

*The next day, Hellboy, Luffy and Morbius prepare to go out on the wild hunt.*
Hellboy: What, are we trick-or-treating or hunting giants?
Glaren: Tradition. To honor the brave huntsmen who've come before.
*They see the hunters grabbing spears strapped to some kind of pack.*
Hellboy: And the pig stickers?
Glaren: Another tradition. Used by giant slayers throughout the ages.
*He uses a remote to activate the taser function.*
Glaren: With a few modern modifications, of course. Five times as potent as an electric chair. Mmm. Not enough to kill a giant, mind you. But, uh, still, quite handy in subduing the creatures. Would you care for one?
Hellboy: Oh, it's all right, I got traditions of my own.
Glaren: What about you?
Luffy: I’m good. If I see one of those giants I’ll just punch it in the face.
Morbius: I’ll just go for the eyes.
*Hellboy spots a deer headdress.*
Hellboy: Oh, God. I don't have to wear the hat, do I?
Glaren: No. We're very well aware of your distaste for horns. It's my honor, as master of the hunt, to wear the headdress. And here we are. Long Shadow.
*He brings them to the stables where some horses are.*
Luffy: Whoa, we’re gonna ride horses?!
Morbius: I’ve never actually ridden one before.
Glaren: Oh, you’ll get the hang of it.
Hellboy: Don't you have a jeep or a motorcycle or something?
Glaren: That wouldn't be very sporting now, would it? He'll bring you home safely. Come, I’ll show you gentlemen your steeds.
Hellboy: For the record, this wasn't my idea.

*Hellboy, Luffy, Morbius and the hunting party led by Glaren ride out into the countryside to search for the giants. They see a farmhouse that has been destroyed by giants and the family living in it is dead.*
Glaren: Three sets of tracks. Just as Lady Hatton foretold.
Morbius: Fucking gross.
Swain: I count four bodies. Parts of them, anyway.
Glaren: They'll be back.
Hellboy: What makes you so sure?
Glaren: Giants don't leave food behind. The tracks are heading north, toward the river.
*They follow the tracks to a river that’s connected by a bridge.*
Glaren: This is where we'll make our stand. They'll use the bridge to cross. We can take up positions in the brush on either side.
Luffy: And then we kick their asses.
Hellboy: Damn right, kid. Yeah, seems like a perfect spot for an ambush.
Glaren: My thoughts exactly.
*Hellboy is suddenly stabbed in the back by one of the hunters’ spears.*
Luffy: Big red!
*Luffy is then stabbed by a spear, along with Morbius. They fall off their horses and are surrounded by the hunting party. Hellboy tries to shoot them with his gun, but another hunter stabs his arm. Hellboy breaks a piece of it off and stabs the hunter in the face.*
Morbius: Fuck this!
*Morbius scratches the hunter who stabbed him in the face.*
Luffy: I thought we were friends?!
*Luffy gets pissed off and punches the hunter who stabbed him in the face. They try to escape from the hunting club but are surrounded and keep getting attacked. Most of the hunters direct their attention to Hellboy.*
Glaren: Bring him down!
*One of the hunters tries to stab Hellboy again.*
Luffy: Gum gum pistol!
*Luffy punches the hunter off his horse. But he gets stabbed again as some hunters restrain him.*
Morbius: Luffy!
*Morbius gets angry as his eyes turn red. He goes feral and kills several of the hunters. But a few stab him with their spears and Glaren uses the remote to electrocute him. Hellboy falls off the bridge and tries to escape but the hunting party overwhelms him and he starts succumbing to his wounds.*
Glaren: Did you really think we needed your help to kill something we've been hunting for centuries?
*Glaren uses the remote to activate the packs on the hunters’ packs and electrocute him.*
Luffy: We’re supposed to be on the same side!
Glaren: Same side?! That’s funny coming from a pirate! Your kind is always betraying others.
Morbius: Why are you doing this?!
Glaren: We will never allow the devil to sit on the throne of England. It would usher in the apocalypse.
*He electrocutes Hellboy again.*
Morbius: Apocalypse?! What are you talking about?
Glaren: Oh, come on? A vampire like you doesn’t know monster lore?
*He electrocutes Morbius.*
Glaren: I must confess when Lady Hatton first told me about her vision and what needed to be done I was hesitant. Broom was so certain of your potential and you have done so much good.
*He increases the voltage and electrocutes him again.*
Glaren: But fate is a fickle beast. And now I must do what your father should have done those many years ago.
*Glaren pulls out a sword.*
Hellboy: No.
Glaren: If it's any consolation, your head will make a wonderful addition to our gallery.
*Suddenly, Glaren is killed by one of the giants and the rest begin to kill the hunting party members.*

*Meanwhile, at a farmhouse in England, the Blood Queen Nimue watches TV while her body is in pieces. The pig monster enters the house bringing a chest containing another one of her body parts. Passing by the couple he killed that owned the house.*
Pig monster: You have no idea how many I had to kill. I'll have you playing Twister in no time. Sorry, too soon.
*He opens the chest containing her right leg.*
Nimue: And soon you shall reap the reward for your efforts.
Pig monster: I didn't know if you'd be hungry or what, you know. A thousand years in a box and I'd be starving. You wouldn't believe what people throw away these days. Cookie!
*He offers her a small box of cookies.*
Nimue: Revenge is the only sustenance I require. Look at this. A world ravaged by war and poverty led by feckless fear mongers. They've replaced swords with singing competitions.
Pig monster: Yeah. Well, not for much longer.
Nimue: What about my other hand? You're certain you can retrieve it?
Pig monster: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll restore me, as you promised?
Nimue: Don't worry, you'll get what's due.
Pig monster: All good things come to those who wait.
Nimue: Bring me the last box. Make me whole again. And together, we will baptize this world in blood.