Hellboy part 1
The year was 517 A.D., known as the Dark Ages and for fucking good reason. An endless war between the armies of man and the creatures of darkness has raged across Britain. And in retribution for man's injustices to creatures, the immortal witch Vivienne Nimue had spread her deadly plague threatening to wipe mankind off the face of the Earth. And so at Pendle Hill, beneath an ancient oak tree, King Arthur... Yes, that King Arthur, and his powerful wizard Merlin, were forced to surrender to Nimue, the Queen of Blood. However, believing man and monster were never meant to live in harmony, Arthur ambushed Nimue. And was betrayed by her most trusted witch, Ganeida. Pissed off, Nimue unleashed her deadly plague. But with one swing of his legendary sword, Arthur severed the Blood Queen's head. But even that wasn't enough to stop her. So he had her cut up into pieces, each one locked in a separate casket. Sealed with a holy prayer. Arthur then ordered his bravest knights to ride off and bury her wretched remains in the far reaches of the land, where no one would ever find her. Not even the devil himself.
*In present day Tijuana, an old pickup truck pulls up to a building. The driver is on a phone call.*
Professor Broom: I mean it, son. No drinking, no fighting, don't cause a scene.
???: Relax, Dad. It's not my first time in Tijuana.
Broom: Why do you think I'm telling you all this?
???: Ruiz is my friend. I just wanna bring him back.
Broom: Agent Ruiz is not your friend. He's someone you get drunk with. Three weeks ago, we sent Ruiz to investigate a nest of vampires. We haven't heard from him since.
???: I'm on it. A reliable source told me where I can find him.
Broom: Call me when you have him.
???: I'm not going to call you.
Broom: Just call me! It's a simple extraction. Get Ruiz out of there and bid adios without making a big mess. Again.
???: I got this, Dad! You know me, I have a gentle touch.
*But when he tries to hang up, he cracks the screen.*
???: Ah, shit! Not again.
*The mysterious driver enters the building which is hosting a nacho libre wrestling tournament. After a match has ended the winner, known to the crowd as Camaztoz, recognizes the guy who entered.*
Camazotz: *spanish* We have a celebrity with us this evening. The world’s greatest paranormal investigator. Hellboy!
*A spotlight shines on the man who he called Hellboy.*
Hellboy: Uh…
Camazotz: *spanish* Let’s dance until you die.
*Hellboy removes his hood and reveals his true appearance. Frightening the audience.*
Hellboy: Ruiz! Esteban, is that you?
Camazotz: *spanish* Esteban? No more. Camazotz!
*The crowd cheers for him.*
Hellboy: What's up with the Camazotz crap, huh? The B.P.R.D. sends you down here,investigate a nest of vampires and you went silent about three weeks ago. I miss you, man. Come on, I'm here to bring you back in. Come on, buddy, let's go.
*The crowd boos Hellboy.*
Camazotz: So come on, bring me in.
*The loudspeakers begin to play Rock You Like A Hurricane by Scorpions in Spanish.*
Hellboy: Ok. Ok.
Spectator 1: *spanish* Get out of here devil!
Spectator 2: *spanish* Fuck off beast!
*As soon as Hellboy enters the wrestling ring, Camazotz attempts to attack him but misses.*
Hellboy: Okay. Hey, what happened to you, man? What's with the get-up, huh?
Camazotz: *spanish* I’m training.
Hellboy: Training? Training for what?
Camazotz: To kill you!
*He tries to attack Hellboy again, but gets redirected to the floor.*
Hellboy: Okay. Hang on to that for me.
*He gives the referee his coat and gun.*
Hellboy: You look good in purple.
*Camazotz then grabs Hellboy by his head and hits him with his knee.*
Hellboy: Ouch.
*He then bounces him against the ropes and clotheslines him.*
Hellboy: It's been a lot of fun. Can we get out of here?
*He then attempts to jump on Hellboy but misses. Hellboy catches his arm and sees that it’s monstrous.*
Hellboy: What did they do to you?
*He then attacks Hellboy.*
Hellboy: Ruiz! Let's have a drink and talk about this! You're a good agent!
Buddy, come on. Come on, don't you remember? Backyards? Drinking beers on the porch? We used to play guitar, man! You'd play all that hippy acoustic crap and I'd play real music.
*He then scratches Hellboy’s face with his claws. The referee tries to stop the fight but gets pushed aside.*
Hellboy: To hell with this!
*Hellboy proceeds to punch him in the face with his right hand.*
Hellboy: Hey, I'm sorry, man. Are you okay?
*Camazotz tries to scratch him again but Hellboy manages to restrain him against the ropes.*
Hellboy: Come on, I don't wanna hurt you, partner. I know you're in there somewhere. Talk to me.
Camazotz: You play the hero, but I really know what is under your mask.
Hellboy: Oh, yeah? Is that so? Let's see what's under yours.
*Hellboy removes his nacho libre mask to reveal his vampirism. This scares the audience and they start to run away. Camazotz bodyslames Hellboy onto the floor and starts scratching him with his claws. The referee hold up a cross which briefly stops him but he prepares to hill the referee.*
Hellboy: Ruiz! Stop this!
*Hellboy stops him but Camazotz undergoes a transformation.*
Camazotz: Rrraaaggghh!
*He attacks Hellboy once again but he tosses his friend over his shoulder and gets impaled.*
Hellboy: No! No! Ruiz.
*He rushes over to his dying friend’s side as he reverts back to a human.*
Ruiz: I know you... Anung un Rama. Your heart beats with rage. I know which side you'll choose at the end.
Hellboy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I...
Ruiz: *spanish* The end is coming…
*Agent Ruiz dies in Hellboy’s arms.*
*Later that night, Hellboy is drinking at a bar and is depressed over his friend’s death. A small scorpion crawls onto his hand and stings him. Though it hurts, the poison has no effect.*
Hellboy: That's okay, little guy. You're just doing what you're doing. I'm not judging.
*After it crawls off his hand, 2 B.P.R.D. agents enter the bar.*
Agent 1: Hellboy.
Hellboy: No, it's Josh. People confuse us all the time.
Agent 1: Come on, we gotta go.
Hellboy: How did you find me?
Agent 1: Twitter. You don't exactly blend.
Look, sorry about Ruiz, but we gotta take you back.
Hellboy: You can try!
*Hellboy is about to get aggressive on them but is too intoxicated.*
Agent 1: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, big guy. Easy.
Agent 2: We're just following orders. He wants you back.
Hellboy: The old man sent you?
Agent 2: All he told us is that it's important. We need to go.
Hellboy: *Spanish* Friend… give me another bottle.
*The bartender gives him a bottle of tequila.*
Hellboy: They're buying.
*Hellboy is taken back to the B.P.R.D. Headquarters in Colorado. As he passes by a memorial for fallen agents, he sees Ruiz’s name being engraved.*
*In his private living quarters, Hellboy is shortening his horns with a small power saw and file while listening to the T.V.*
News Broadcaster: Details are still emerging with regard to the tragic events in Mexico.
There's very little information known about Hellboy or the secretive agency that apparently he works for. Thought authorities deny his existence.
Broom: You missed a spot. May I?
Hellboy: Hey, Dad.
Broom: My father used to say shaving was the most important part of a day. Separated the gentlemen from the Philistines. It takes a real man to hold a blade against his own throat every day and not cut the jugular.
*He helps Hellboy file his horns.*
Hellboy: Grandpa Bruttenholm, he was all teddy bears and rainbows.
Broom: He was an unrepentant asshole, but he taught me how to shave.
Hellboy: Like father, like son.
Broom: Drowning in tequila for three weeks may temporarily numb the pain. All it ever really does is exacerbate your sorrows and the state of your liver. I know you're upset about Agent Ruiz, but it's part of the job. Everyone here knows that.
Hellboy: Job didn't kill him, I did. And I buried him 16 feet under the earthright by the chapel of the Virgin Guadalupe, just to make it proper.
Broom: He had become unholy, a vampyre, a creature of darkness beyond salvation.
Hellboy: A creature of darkness beyond salvation? You mean, we don't all just deserve a little gentle horn shave every now and then?
Broom: You're different. You always have been.
Hellboy: If my face could talk, it would disagree with you.
Broom: I think it's a beautiful face.
Hellboy: *spanish* The end of coming…
Broom: The end is coming. The end of what?
Hellboy: I don't know. Those were Ruiz's last words. That and something about Anung nun… Does it ring any bells?
Broom: Nah. Apocalyptic mutterings. Now there... Don't you look handsome!
Hellboy: I'm gonna take your word for that, Pops. Why'd you bring me back, anyway? Don't tell me it's 'cause you miss me.
Broom: Do you recall the Osiris Club?
Hellboy: Oh, yeah. Strip joint in Jersey.
Broom: No, the other one. The British occult society formed in 1866 by the ranking members of the Heliopic Brotherhood of Ra.
Hellboy: Ra? I met Ra once in the underworld. He's a close-talker.
Broom: You know, like us, they fight against the forces of darkness and our organizations have a long-standing relationship. They're old friends of mine. And they've requested your assistance with a giant problem.
Hellboy: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Broom: Giants.
Hellboy: Hahaha!
Broom: But there’s more. You’ll be accompanied by 2 volunteers who’ve agreed to help you with this mission.
Hellboy: Let me guess, 2 newbie agents?
Broom: Not exactly.
Hellboy: Then who?
Broom: These 2.
*Luffy and Morbius enter the room.*
Luffy: Hi!
Hellboy: Who the fuck are they?
Broom: A newcomer in the world of piracy with a $30,000,000 bounty, “Straw Hat” Luffy. And his crewmate, former Nobel prize winning scientist turned pirate with a $23,000,000 bounty, Mitchel Morbius “The Living Vampire”.
*Meanwhile, a talking pig monster meets with someone in a darkly lit room.*
Pig monster: Hellboy stole the life I might've had. Banished me into an existence of misery. I now only live to kill him.
???: I too have suffered at Hellboy's hands, so I know your pain. I felt yours, so I summoned you here. I will guide you to a witch, Vivienne Nimue,cut to pieces but alive and waiting.
Restore her! She will make you powerful again so you can have your vengeance.
Pig monster: I thank you.
???: This is not going to be easy.
Pig monster: Maybe not. But to be whole again, I can do it.
*The summoner hidden in shadows munched on a skeletal hand of a child.*
???: Go now.
Pig monster: I don't get it. What's in it for you?
???: That is no concern of yours, beast! In the end, I'll have my way and Hellboy will pay what he owes.
Hellboy: You teamed me up with pirates?! And one of them being a vampire?!
Morbius: Well, technically I spliced bat DNA with my own that gave me powers and abilities similar to vampires, as well as the need to consume blood every 6 hours or I become extremely aggressive and die if I don't get any.
Hellboy: Like that makes a difference. And what’s this kid’s deal?
Luffy: I’m gonna be king of the pirates.
Hellboy: So what are you? A werewolf? A shapeshifter?
Luffy: No. I’m just an ordinary guy.
Morbius: An ordinary guy who can do this.
*Morbius pulls on Luffy’s cheek and stretches it out.*
Hellboy: What the hell?
Luffy: I ate the Gum gum fruit. My body’s made of rubber.
Hellboy: Great. What’s the deal, pops? Why do I gotta babysit these 2 while on a mission?
Broom: We apprehended Dr. Morbius after an incident in New York. In exchange for freedom, he’ll be assisting you on your mission with the Osiris Club.
Hellboy: And the rubber kid is here because…
Broom: We’ve agreed to let Mr. Luffy to assist on the mission as well. Per Dr. Morbius’s request.
Morbius: I don’t trust shady organizations I’ve never heard of before. With Luffy around, there’s at least one person I trust around.
Broom: And I see it as a way to help make sure you don’t draw unwanted attention to yourself. After that wrestling stunt you pulled in Mexico recently, I can’t trust you on solo missions for the time being.
Hellboy: What do they know about stealth?
Broom: They haven’t drawn unnecessary attention the amount of times you have.
Morbius: You obviously don’t know Luffy.
Hellboy: Is any of this even legal? Working with pirates?
Broom: Our organization is akin to the C.I.A. They work within the gray area of the law and as do we. I suggest you 3 get to know each other. You’ll have a lot to talk about on the trip to England.
Morbius: I also don't like the C.I.A…
Luffy: First, I need something.
Hellboy: What?
Luffy: Lots of meat.