Through The Pale Door
“Your birthright was to die upon a rock! If I had not saved you, you would not be here to hate me now!”
The ball rose and fell, rose and fell as Loki tossed it with a neutral expression. Six months into his prison sentence on Asgard and he was already so bored he was tempted to think the axe would have been the better option. Frigga visited from time to time, but not Odin obviously, and not even Thor.
‘Not even’. Loki had expected it, because Thor was a sentimental oaf and might come try to seek answers or persuade him, or because Thor was a temperamental fool and might demand or mock. But Thor had not so much as come to look at him, and Loki stewed in his silent misery.
The torture by The Other and the influence of the scepter had robbed him of his good health and clarity of mind, both had more or less since been regained after a steady six months without either and Asgard’s ‘care’. The things which had been certainties for Loki before, such as that Thor had hurled him from the Bifrost and despised him for being a frost giant, were now recognizably lies fashioned by The Other to feed his hatred and rage.
But the rage was still there, and while his ire towards Thor had cooled, he still placed a great deal of blame on him. Thor’s unworthiness had led to all of this: to necessitating letting the frost giants break into the Vault, to Jotunheim, to the revelation about his heritage, to the Odinsleep that made Loki king, to Thor’s interference when Loki turned the Bifrost on Jotunheim. And then Thor had interfered again in his pursuit of Midgard and the Tesseract. He had spouted pretty words about stopping things together and coming home.
The ‘coming home’ had especially shocked Loki, because Thor looked and sounded so emotional, so earnest. Thor knew that Loki was a frost giant, Loki had sent the Destroyer after him and tried to kill him on the Bifrost…but he would look at Loki with misty eyes and ask him to come home? But Loki ‘knew’ it had to be a lie, and that there was no circumventing his agreement with Thanos in either case. Though now Loki suspected Thor had indeed been in earnest, the foolish oaf, and again on Avengers Tower before Loki had stabbed him. But something had finally been enough to turn Thor from him, apparently, because here Loki was six months later bereft of any company but his mother’s-Frigga’s-occasional projections.
Loki had tried to hard to rise above his birth status and to prove himself to his so-called ‘father’. He had tried to fulfill his ‘glorious purpose’. But in the end, he was trampled down as he could only ever expect to be. After all, he was a frost giant, a villain, never to be the hero of the tale…perhaps things might have been different if there had never been a Thor to ruin his life. But alas, he had no such luck then or now.
“No luck, but perhaps a wish?”
Loki startled at the sudden voice as he sat up with a defensive posture as he glared into his cell…and saw no one?
“Up here, silly boy.” came a giggle.
Loki glanced up to see a small light, vaguely humanoid in shape that grew into a being of substance. A small person that seemed to touch down on the air. He thought it a woman at first, but then it seemed as a man, and then neither. Every angle he moved the being appeared a little bit differently. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked coolly as he put on a front but wondered if someone had sent a strange assassin to his cell.
“I am called Alastor, and as for why I am here.” The little being giggled again. “I was drawn in by your misery! Such a sweet taste, I have not had the like in ages?”
Loki’s brow furrowed. “Excuse me?”
The being chuckled deeply as it looked and sounded differently again. “Madness and misery are heady things to one such as a I. For I have lived long but felt little. And you have lived little but felt long. So you see, I am called to you, and to the sweet song of your sorrow.” it crooned.
That was sufficient for Loki to think the creature wits-addled at the very least. “You are not welcome here.” he informed it. “So whatever you are, you need to leave.” he still affected confidence but was tensed, ready for anything of the little being.
The being seemed to shift again. “Shame that. Cuz I was inclined to grant ya a wish.” Another slight shift. “And oh, what a sweet wish it would have been.” Another slight shift. “A world without.”
Loki hesitated. “…A world without what?”
“Anything or anyone you so desire.” Alastor said pointedly before he glanced over Loki towards the direction of the palace and then back at Loki with a broad smile that revealed rows of sharp teeth. “And I do mean, any Tho-one.” they winked.
Loki heard the implication and wondered if he truly had gone mad to imagine this being and the offer on the tail of having just been thinking of such a thing.
“Mad you may be.” Alastor shifted again. “But that is why I know the taste of your misery, and why I know what you were thinking in that devious mind of yours. Loki of Nowhereheim.” Loki stiffened at that and Alastor grinned, unnaturally widely. “Any wish you desire can be yours. All it will cost is your misery. Not so bad a deal, is it? You will not need it in a wish of your choosing. What say you?”
“That you are the mad one, if you think I’ll believe that nonsense.” Loki said archly.
“It is either nonsense…or it is not. A wish will either not be granted…or it will…it costs you nothing to try but the breath it takes to form your wish.”
He considered Alastor’s words, which surely were nonsense, and why should any being seek to do him a favor? Loki had no such luck, no such bounty of fortune, and yet…the little being had a point. If nothing else, he could play along for the momentary amusement it offered. “A wish.” he repeated, mockingly thoughtful. “Very well. I wish that all Thor is and has was mine, though I still be ‘Loki’, and that Thor Odinson existed no longer. Preferably right around the time I would be coronated, I have no wish to restart entirely.” he drawled.
“Careful, pretty phrasing.” Alastor cooed before they shifted again. “Are you sure you will not regret such a wish?”
Loki chuckled darkly. “I only regret that it cannot come true.”
“Boy, have you listened to nothing I’ve said?”
--
“Loki? My son, are you well?”
Loki startled at Frigga’s voice as he blinked and stared out at a host of well-dressed, dancing guests over a table laden with a feast. He looked in confusion on the scene before he glanced to his side to find Frigga looking at him with concern. “…What?”
“Are you well?” she repeated as she set a hand on his arm. “You seem distracted.”
“I-…how did I get here…? Where-”
No, it was impossible, utterly impossible and yet…as Loki sat memories began to flood his mind. Centuries of a life lived as the sole prince of Asgard, the crown prince. Loki had been given Mjolnir sans the worthiness enchantment, he alone was the blood son of Odin and Frigga, not a drop of frost giant’s blood to his name. There were no crimes, no reckless oafs to chase after and turn his life to ‘misery’, no fall from the Bifrost, no Thanos [at least, not as he’d known him]…Loki was free.
The wish had been granted.
A disbelieving, giddy laugh bubbled up from his lips as Frigga looked on confused. Loki offered her a winning smile and rested his hand over hers. “Forgive me, Mother. I lost my mind to a daydream a moment. I am quite well.”
“If you are sure…”
“Will you not dance, my son?” Odin boomed from behind Loki as he set a hand on his son’s shoulder and Loki jumped as he looked up to find Odin…his father?
“...Should I?”
”You will disappoint the maidens of the court most sorely if you do not.” Odin said with fond amusement.
“They will be disappointed anyway.” Frigga said. “None of them are deserving of my son.” she said with a mother’s pride.
Odin chuckled and Loki found his lips formed into a smile of their own accord. “All the same, I suppose it is my duty to make an appearance on the dance floor.”
“How very noble of you.” Frigga said wryly, with a warm smile.
Odin patted Loki’s back. “Behave yourself, my son.”
“Do I not always?” Loki drawled as he rose to do as he’d said. He was the start of the little ball, the only prince of Asgard, the most eligible bachelor in the realm. The uncontested future king and All-Father…
Loki was startled by a strange sensation in one of his legs, and as he perused his new memories he came to an unpleasant realization. He had, at one point, lost his leg and though it had been reattached successfully it never felt quite the same. The quest he had been on was one he had been on with Thor and the Warriors Four in the past. He had nearly lost a leg then too, but Thor had saved him…there was no Thor to save him this time…
Well, a small price to pay for the new life he’d been given.
--
Loki went to his room later that night, and that at least was still the same, and settled in as he decided to make an effort to review what memories he could and have a better sense of his function in this new reality. He had no idea what manner of being the creature was that it had such power to do this, and he did consider it might be some kind of dream that he would wake up from sooner than later. But for now…it certainly felt and seemed real.
Loki experimentally summoned his sorcery and found it still present…although perhaps less strong than it should be. He lay back in bed and put his mind to remembering.
The sole prince of Asgard, the future All-Father, only child of Odin and Frigga. Loki received all the attention of the tutors, the courtiers, the match-making mothers, the greetings of foreign dignitaries and so on. The servants who had once given him chilly receptions were far more attentive.
Some things had not changed, there were still whispers of displeasure and mocking at Loki’s sorcery and at his use of daggers. Those who wondered why he had not seemed to take lovers as a strong, able prince ‘should’.
But who cared? Loki would rule all the Nine Realms and Asgard someday, what did he care about some trivial gossip now?
Loki thought back to his new memories of childhood and expected to find something marvelous…but it was rather…bland, all told. He rarely had companions his own age, least of all of his own rank. Loki spent much time with tutors and serving staff, some time with his parents and on occasion Heimdall, but that was mostly it. He devoted many hours to reading, to walks among the gardens, but…he was often ‘alone’.
A far cry from the childhood he’d had in his first reality, filled with memories that were admittedly not so unpleasant and that The Other had banished from his mind for a time.
--
“Fast Loki!” Loki taunted his big brother as he ran on toddler’s legs through the gardens.
“So fast!” Thor called after him as he kept a pace just behind his brother and made a dramatic show of ‘struggling’ to keep up. “I am going to get you, Loki!”
Loki giggled. “Fast Loki!” he repeated, like it was a true taunt.
Thor saw Loki was not paying attention and was about to hit a tree. “Loki, stop!” he shouted quickly and Loki startled and stumbled. He darted up to his brother and caught him before he hit the ground as he scooped him into a tight hug.
“Tor loud. Loki ow?”
“No ow.” Thor reassured him. “I caught you, brother.” he kissed his little brother’s head as Loki latched around his neck and snuggled against him. “You were very fast.” he praised, and Loki beamed.
“No fast Tor.” Loki said smugly.
“Slow Thor.” Thor ‘corrected’.
“Slow Tor!” Loki repeated, and seemed fond of the new phrase. “Slow Tor! Slow Tor! Slow-”
Thor clamped fingers into Loki’s side and the boy shrieked with delight as he squirmed. “Got you, brother.” Thor teased as he spun around and hugged his brother close.
“Got you, bruh-er.” Loki repeated back as he squeezed Thor’s neck lovingly.
--
Loki sat beneath a tree as he read from a huge book with quiet interest, until he paused and hid a smirk to himself as he waited.
“Bo-"
“BOO!” Loki shouted before Thor could finish and Thor looked startled as Loki grinned at his big brother.
“How did you know?” Thor said in a somewhat pouting tone as he plopped down next to Loki with their shoulders side by side. Loki was a few years past his toddler years.
“You are bad at sneaking.” Loki informed him fondly as he leaned against his brother a little and glanced back at his book.
“What are you reading?” Thor asked as he peered at it, and scrunched his nose at unfamiliar arcane symbols.
“A spell book Mother gave me.”
Thor considered that before he gave his brother a pleading grin. “Would you not rather play with me, brother?”
Loki pretended to weigh his options on his hands. “My not-sneaky big brother or my book…” Thor pouted and Loki grinned. “We can play.” he said, glad for the company.
Thor cheered and helped Loki up. “You have to put the book away, right? …Race you inside!” he called as he took off running.
“Thor, you big cheater!” Loki called after him as he ran. “Brother, come back here!” he called to the sound of Thor’s giddy laughter and he smiled.
--
“This way, brother!” A young Loki called out to Thor as they wound around the cliff side.
Thor looked uncertainly over the edge as he moved quickly to keep up with his eager little brother. “Loki, be careful!”
“Do not be such a hen, Thor.” Loki griped, but affectionately. “We are so close!” There was an ingredient for one of his potions he was hopeful to get his hands on, a flower that grew off the side of the mountain.
“Aye, but a flower is not worth a fall!”
“You worry too much.” Loki said as he reached the spot he wanted and saw the flowers a foot ahead coming out of the cliff face. He stepped to the edge and reached for the flower, a few inches within reach and he just grabbed the flowers when the edge of cliff under his foot gave way. Loki gasped as he started to fall, only to find his shirt gripped tightly as he was hauled backwards.
Thor yanked with such force and without setting his balance that he fell backwards with Loki on top of him as he pulled him back from falling. The brothers grimaced, and Loki looked down at his glaring big brother with a mixture of sheepish concern and triumph.
Loki held the flowers up in his fist. “I got them?”
Thor pinched Loki’s neck hard enough to make his brother yelp, and then scooped Loki against him in a one-armed hug. “You will be the death of me, brother.” he grumbled.
Loki rested on his brother a few seconds as he gave him a half-hug back. “As if I would ever let my favorite oaf die.”
“I have told you not to call me that!”
“I mean favorite big brother. I misspoke.” Loki teased, and Thor glowered but then reluctantly smiled and ruffled Loki’s hair before he rose. He helped Thor up with an offered hand and grinned. “Thank you, brother.”
Thor rolled his eyes but looked relieved all the same, his heart had nearly leapt out of his chest as Loki had started to fall. “You are welcome, now let’s go, slowly.” he said as Loki gave a sheepish grin and obliged, content to walk beside his big brother now.
--
“I never thought I’d see the day…brother, are you gardening?” Loki, in his teenage years, drawled as he stood next to Thor who was crouched over a flower bed with his hands in the dirt.
Thor grimaced as he looked up at his smirking little brother. “I…may have trampled on some of Mother’s flowers…she said it falls to me to fix what I have broken.”
Loki snorted and Thor gave him a vaguely pouting look. “Well, have fun with that, brother.”
“Help me.” Thor said, his tone somewhere between pleading and brotherly play.
“Get my hands dirty over your mess? I think not.” Loki said dismissively and Thor grinned as he dipped his hands in the damp dirt and grabbed Loki’s hands. “You oaf!” he exclaimed, his hands then covered in the same muck as Thor’s. “I should smear this one your head.” he groused.
“Or you can help me, and I’ll owe you a favor later.” Thor suggested.
“Owing a favor to the God of Mischief is a dangerous business. Especially when you’ve just covered his hands in mud.” he grumbled, already having planned on helping Thor though.
Thor offered his brother a charming grin. “But since the God of Mischief is my brother, it cannot be that bad, can it?”
”It might be worse.” Loki advised before he sighed and crouched down next to Thor. “Very well, let’s get this over with.” he said, as he hid a smile and bumped shoulders with Thor lightly.
--
None of that happened in this life, there was no brother to act as playmate, companion, and rival. No older brother to care for him and tend him, or save him from his over-eager behaviors.
But likewise, there was no older brother to make him feel as a shadow.
“Enough!”
“Know your place, brother!”
Loki’s place was now what Thor’s one was, and Thor was gone, truly and completely and never to darken Loki’s doorway again. There would be no more interference, no more judgment, no more being treated as lesser and the villain and secondary. Loki was the crown prince and his future was bright.
Loki, alone.
--
Two months passed in his new reality as Loki grew more accustomed to the state of things and more memories reconciled themselves in his mind. There were no Warriors Four any longer. Thor had never existed, so Sif had not been given her chance to be a warrior on Thor’s glowing recommendation. Volstagg hung about the court, but was not part of an inner circle. Fandral came and went from Asgard, also not tied down. And Hogun had briefly been in Asgard but had returned to Vanaheim.
Loki, as crown prince, occasionally went on quests but it was with companions picked on merit and not for any closeness to Loki. In this life too, he seemed to have no friends. He could have, of course, he could have had his pick of anyone really. But it seemed to him that most anyone who approached him had ulterior motives and, or was dreadfully boring. Loki wanted nothing to do with them and their false flattery, which had grown thin.
He had amused himself for a moment with wielding Mjolnir, he found that he could even summon the lightning! Loki was smug about that for a time, he gloated as he wielded the hammer and thought for a split second he couldn’t wait to rub it in Thor’s face-
-And then remembered Thor was gone, and always would be.
Mjolnir suddenly felt as just a hammer in his hands and he’d set her back down.
Loki could bring companions to help him collect ingredients if he so chose, and they would quietly follow or make benign conversations if he gave indications that he would permit it. But there was no warmth or play in it, no teasing. Loki was of such a high station anyway, even if he said ‘speak casually to me’, there weren’t any who really would. And as for romance, that was even worse a playing field than that of friends. The amount of those who would marry him for politics or self-gain was beyond the scope of counting and he wanted none of it. Loki was Asgardian this time, he need not worry of being found wanting or having to confess to being a frost giant, but he still wanted a partner to be his equal and companion, his friend and lover, his-
Loki almost laughed as the stray thought of ‘brother’ entered his mind.
Almost.
--
“We should not do this.” Loki murmured as he leaned his back against a tree as Thor’s hand found his waist and other hand found Loki’s neck. One of Loki’s hands was tangled in Thor’s hair as the other rested on Thor’s arm.
“We should not.” Thor agreed, with his lips a scant inch from Loki’s. “This is madness.” he said, and sounded faintly out of breath.
“Utterly mad.” Loki agreed as green eyes met blue and the brothers stared before they kissed.
It was hard to say just how it had started, how brotherly closeness had become something more. And both of them had been conflicted in their own ways but ultimately neither had been able to resist. The brothers fought tooth and nail at times, the rivalry between them could be intense. But they knew each other better than anyone, they loved each other above all others, and they enjoyed each other’s company in all ways sweet and adventurous. They made each laugh, could make each cry, had comforted and supported each other through moments terrible and wonderful. It bothered them both to be brothers, to think of what their parents and others would do if they found out but…there had come a point where caution had been tossed to the wind.
Thor pulled back so that his lips were again just shy of Loki’s as he pressed their foreheads together and smiled warmly at his brother. “You are a wonder, brother.”
”As are you, for using that endearment now. Why, brother, I think you might be a little more devious than I have ever given you credit for.”
“Very devious.” Thor agreed in a teasing tone as he rubbed their noses together as though they were children again, and Loki felt his heart flutter as he returned the gesture with a soft smile reserved for Thor alone. “I love you, Loki.”
“I know you do.” Loki replied and Thor huffed. “If you wish me to say it back, convince me.” he challenged.
“And how might I do that?”
“Oh, I am sure you’ll think of something, Thor.” Loki informed him with a grin before he teleported out of Thor’s grasp. “Perhaps while trying to catch me?” he said as he took a few jaunty steps back.
“Right now?” Thor asked incredulously before he cursed as Loki took off. “Loki!” his brother was fast as a whip, and gone were the days it was a given that Thor could catch up to him. “You brat!”
“That is no way to earn what you seek!” Loki called back playfully.
Nearly half an hour later, Thor had tackled Loki to the ground although he’d twisted the force of the fall so that it was not Loki who bore the brunt. He pinned his brother to the ground with a gruff sigh.
“Mischief maker.” he accused.
“Oh, absolutely.” Loki agreed. “But you love me all the same, do you not?”
“Oh, you will not say it, but I am expected to say it again?” Thor groused, and Loki dramatically batted his eyelashes. Thor snorted and chuckled as he smiled wryly before he kissed Loki softly. “Very well, you demanding little brat.” Loki gave an ‘indignant’ huff at that. “I love you.”
Loki smiled as he trailed a nail along Thor’s cheek and then hooked his collar in a fist as he pulled Thor closer. “I love you too, fool.” he said, and kissed away Thor’s near-protest at the addition of ‘fool’.
--
All of that too was gone, there was no fellow prince who would dare to taunt, challenge, tease, and play with Loki. There was no one to give chase or to catch him. Loki had no ‘equal’, no rival, no one to measure himself against or compete with.
Loki had never given or received an ‘I love you’ save for with his parents.
Two more months passed, four since his arrival, and everything was as perfect as it could be…in theory. Loki was above all others save the All-Parents, he lacked for nothing, and even if he was occasionally mocked still behind his back…it hardly mattered when he was overall given the respect and prestige of the crown prince. He could have his pick of anyone for a friend or lover, if he so chose. Loki had freedom and the trust of his parents to do relatively whatever he wished. His sorcery was not as strong as it had been, but it was still exceedingly powerful, and he had Mjolnir and Thor’s-now Loki’s-powers. It was everything he had ever dreamed of. There was no Thor to trail behind and leave Loki in his shadow, there was no one to snap at him or attempt to command him, there was no one to leave Loki feeling like an outsider…
Except he still did.
Loki had taken Thor’s position, Thor’s existence, his bloodline and birthrights and family…he had taken his very life. So he thought he would have much the same experience as he thought Thor had, but it was not what he thought it was. Odin, for all of his doting, singular attention on his sole son…was stricter than he had ever imagined he would be on his prized son. He wondered how it had been for Thor behind closed doors, because Odin’s demands exceeded what he had ever expected. Loki had additional responsibilities and duties as crown prince, a different set of expectations, and it was a bit exhausting. Loki had gotten a title too, a foil to Thor’s ‘Golden Prince of Asgard’, Loki was the ‘Raven Prince of Asgard’ because of his dark hair. And he had come to hate the title, not just for how silly it seemed, but because of the strange expectations behind it. Rarely did anyone address him as ‘Loki’, or seek him to be Loki.
They wanted the crown prince, a prince, the future All-Father, the Raven-haired Prince of Asgard, they wanted him to do this quest or that, they wanted his knowledge on this or that. It had been fun at first to be respected and relied upon in the ways that he was but he had come to see it wasn’t so much about respect and reliance, not on him at least. Loki was the measure of his titles, he was expected to fill all of those roles, and there need not be any Loki in them.
He recalled something Thor had said once in passing.
“And how fares the Golden Prince of Asgard today?” Loki drawled as he joined Thor in the hall.
Thor, who seemed in a crestfallen mood for some reason, muttered. “Would you stop calling me that, Loki?”
“Why? It is what you are, such an honorific title for my oaf of a brother.” he ‘teased’, and hid his now long-festering bitterness. The jealousy that lay under his love for his brother.
Thor shot him an annoyed glance. “I am brother or Thor to you. Unless you want me to order you to call me ‘your grace’.” Technically as crown prince, he could insist Loki call him that, though of course he didn’t.
Loki hid a sneer. “Try it.”
Thor rose irritably. “Did you come here just to try my patience, Loki?”
“I came to visit my brother, but I can see you’re in a mood. So I suppose I shall leave you be.” Loki said archly before he gave a dismissive wave and headed off. As if Thor didn’t bask in his silly title and his accolades…and how dare he suggest he would make Loki call him ‘your grace’…yet another way that Thor looked down on him, clearly thought him lesser between them…
--
Thor sighed as Loki left and he rubbed a hand over his head. He was exhausted, and he would have been glad of his brother’s familiar and warm company, but Loki seemed only ever eager to fight these days. And that stupid title…Thor had so few people willing to treat Thor like Thor, like a person, like a man, and not just a collection of titles and responsibilities…he hated the name, but he most hated to hear it from Loki…especially in that snide what that Loki seemed to think he was coy about…Thor missed being close with his brother and wondered how their closeness had gotten so fractured.
--
‘I am brother or Thor to you’, he had said, and Loki thought he might understand that now. The luxury of someone feeling comfortable enough and close enough to call Loki ‘brother’ or by his name. To treat Loki as a friend, companion, confidante, brother, friend, rival, lover, counsel…anything other than his royal titles and responsibilities. Loki felt like he was trapped in a mask, a role, and he was desperate to have someone see beneath it and interact with him and recognize him.
He would never have given Thor credit for having such introspection and thoughts, but now he wondered, as he had come to wonder many things. Loki had so much time to ponder, so much time alone now and no one to focus on as he had focused on Thor and the company of The Warriors Four. He went on less quests by far, and there were no fights or good events to bemoan or smile at. Loki now had his own experiences to compare to what he remembered of before…and he began to see that perhaps things were not all he had thought they were. Perhaps Thor, who indeed had surprised him with his seeming growth of character after his banishment to Midgard [surprised and angered him], was not who he had thought…
Eight months passed since he had arrived in his new reality. Time enough to reconcile the then and now, for the novelty to wear off, to think things through to the tiniest details, to ponder his own feelings, to compare and contrast, to remember.
And finally Loki realized a major difference between the now and the then.
Loki could admit there were times in his life in the other reality that he had been happy. That a childhood spent with a brother who acted like a little mother hen had its advantages. For Thor had comforted Loki gladly through any nightmare, had taken it upon himself to act as a third little parent to Loki under the title of ‘big brother’, had encouraged Loki to learn, explore, and play. Thor had been receptive and encouraging to Loki, supportive, had taught Loki to rely on Thor and tell him if he had any sorrows or worries, and to share his joys as well. If something bad happened, his instinct was to go to Thor for comfort and protection. If something good happened, he was excited to tell his big brother. If he learned a new spell, he was eager to impress Thor and try to receive his brother’s pride and praise. Thor gave him something to look forward to, to strive for, to enjoy and hope for.
And older, Thor was his protector as well as his friend. He would put himself in danger in a heartbeat to spare Loki any harm. Thor would, and nearly had, given his life on many an occasion to protect his little brother.
Thor had, older still, come to be a source of increasing friction, irritation, and mocking in Loki’s mind. He had such a tally of slights he felt Thor had committed against him. But still, if Loki had ever truly needed Thor, had ever asked his brother for help, he knew Thor would would be at his side before he’d even finished the request.
Suddenly, it seemed clear to him in a way that it hadn’t before with hindsight and a newly outside perspective that Thor had given him a unique love and loyalty.
Other brothers, by blood or shield brother promise, did not seem so devoted as Thor ever had. He saw no other child with Thor’s sense of duty and responsibility, or that was so attentive and caring as Thor had been to him.
Loki had taken it for granted what it meant to have someone by his side to do something even as casual as be willing to ruffle his hair or tease him about wearing leather clothing in the hot sun of Vanaheim. What it was to have a brother he knew was there if he needed him. Or if he wanted him. Loki had no such companions in his new reality, he was treated with respect, deference, and all of the accoutrements of being crown prince.
He had everything but someone to treat him as Loki.
And more specifically, as a brother.
Loki had felt alone before, but he knew the difference now. He had felt alone before, later in his life, but now…he was alone.
By the time he’d spent a year and two months in his new reality, he knew with certainty: he had been happy in his other life at points, but he would never truly be happy in this one.
And amongst other things, Loki missed his brother.
Loki saw things he had not seen before, thought about things had not considered before, and given Thor more grace than he had ever been willing to before.
Thor had been a flawed man, but no one else had given Loki such love and loyalty as Thor had. No one else had given Loki such cause to smile. Where others saw Loki Liesmith and a trickster, Thor had seen a little brother and a friend. Thor had trusted Loki even to the point of his own destruction, even when Loki had literally stabbed him in the back before. Loki had called it foolishness at the time, but now he knew. That was part of Thor’s love for him, he had accepted Loki.
No one here would give him such acceptance. Loki was not even called those things any more. He had not earned his Silvertongue, Liesmith, Trickster titles here. He was the God of Mischief as an after-thought, the God of Thunder first. Just like he was the crown prince, the Raven Prince of Asgard, and Loki as an after-thought if even a thought at all.
Loki had felt unseen in his last life, but he was truly unseen in this one, and he realized the difference now without Thor’s eyes upon him. Without Thor by his side to rile him and to make him laugh, to challenge him and to comfort him, to incite Loki’s rage…and his love.
The Other’s torture and the scepter’s influence had clouded his mind, twisted his thoughts and memories, exacerbated his negative feelings. He had already been so confused and conflicted after the parentage revelation and his sudden rise to kingship, and he had feared Thor and what Thor would do when he learned the truth. Loki had feared rejection and rejected his brother first.
But his mind was clear, his feelings were clear, and he realized with painful clarity that he had wished away the one person who had loved him no matter what he did, who saw Loki and called him ‘brother’ anyway.
Loki had indeed come to regret his wish, and now he could only live with it. He had wished for Thor’s life and gotten it…and although he was still ‘Loki’, it hardly mattered because no one saw Loki. Loki had given himself a new prison, one fashioned of Thor’s former life.
Loki could have cut himself on the irony, and that only after he had robbed himself of it did he realize what he had lost…