Wary No Longer
You spent the remainder of the journey in Galadriel's quarters and it became your sanctuary at sea. She kept a constant eye on you, ensuring no more discomfort would befall you. She had attempted to understand and inquire as to what had transpired between yourself and Halbrand that night on the deck. Only the stars knew, for you chose to keep another secret. For telling Galadriel the truth about yourself, and about Halbrand would likely jeopardise the mission, and cast doubt upon the integrity of the king of the Southlands. Despite what had occurred, you did not wish for this. You hoped that by letting things lie that they would pass into the night and be forgotten. That Halbrand would stay true, stay good.
Whatever darkness lay within your soul, it was nothing compared to the malevolence that stirred within the depths of your love. You did not know where it had come from, or had it always been there, lurking in the shadows, waiting. That first night back in the smithy felt so very long ago, where this charming fellow had taken interest in you. The care he had shown for you then, when you cried for your mother, you could feel it slipping away now. For Halbrand had not come near you since the night you cowered from him. You had only seen him from afar, during your daily walks with Galadriel up on deck. Your eyes had locked once, and only once, and it had been torture. For you felt the longing behind his hazel irises. He missed you. Part of you missed him too of course, but you did not let him see it that day. Only your fear, your contempt, and your sorrow struck him from across the ship. You swore you had witnessed a single tear fall from him, but you put it out of your mind and turned away. You were not ready to reconcile, if that were even possible. For you knew you had to decipher the dread within you first, before you could confront him, and unfortunately time was not on your side.
You awoke one morning to hear the cries of the soldiers: "Land! Land ahoy!". The arrival in Middle-earth was imminent. You knew that soon you would enter the mouth of the Anduin and head north to where battle surely awaited. You sat up in Galadriel's bed and noticed her absence, but not the absence of her care at least, for a warm bowl of porridge sat waiting for you on the bedside table, its steam filling the air with its sweet aroma. You reached for it and froze at the sound of him. Halbrand spoke from the other side of the door. He called your name, and it was laced in anguish. You did not respond so he tried again. You were still not ready.
"Halbrand." Galadriel's voice of reason joined the air. "The time is not yet right."
He did not answer her immediately, and you could almost feel his despair burn through the wooden barrier between you. "I cannot bear this any longer, Galadriel. I must heal her wound. I need to see her like I need to breathe." His words made you weep in silence. The love for you was still there after all. "You know she is not ready." protested the elf.
"But what am I to do? The enemy grows nearer and soon we depart for battle. The Queen Regent has ordered her to remain behind. What if... what if my cruelty is the last of me she sees?"
I'm not... I'm not going with them?
"She will see your strength as you ride towards victory with us, Halbrand. She will watch her future leave for a moment, only to return when the day is won. Then, I trust, she will be ready to receive you."
"But if something happens-" the voice of your love began to break.
"Nothing will happen to you. We have come too far to fail. We did not meet on the Sundering Seas and survive all we have only to lose now. I am bringing you to your people, and you are bringing me to Sauron."
Sauron. The name of the abhorred reverberated in your mind, and your thoughts flashed to your nightmares. To that dark land where all hope seemed abandoned. To where your love was leading you and it was suddenly starting to become clear. He was leading you to Sauron. What devilry had penetrated your soul? Filling your head with lies and fear. Where had it come from? And why was it adding kindling to the flame of your torment? Or were you mixing reality with unreality because it was easy?
"Halbrand, you must give her her peace. She is more tortured than you know."
"What has she told you?" he asked, panicked.
"It is not what she has said, but what she refuses to say. I can feel her wrestling with a demon that lurks beneath her very skin. I seem to be keeping it at bay but once I leave her... I do not know what she may become."
"All the more reason for me to see her now, Galadriel. Please. You owe me that much."
"I think not. For if anyone owes anyone, it is you who owes me. This was a responsibility that was never mine to bear."
"So leave her to me."
"It is too late for that." she sighed, "If only it had not been too late to retreat with her to Númenor."
"Galadriel-"
"Lord Halbrand, Commander Galadriel, the Queen Regent waits." A soldier interrupted their argument, and you listened as the sounds of their steps quietened in the distance. This was when you took the bowl finally in your hands. But instead of proceeding to eat the contents of it, a wave of rage swept over you, and you hurled it across the room, where it slammed into the door, smashing to pieces upon the wood. Your cries pierced the air then, your face flush with anger, covered in tears. You were a burden to them. Poor little Númenórean girl, tangled up in epic things such as destiny and fate. The world was big, but it was so much bigger than you could have prepared for. Your father had sheltered you for too long. You knew there was no choice but to leave your home, but it seems you truly had no idea what awaited you.
You remained beneath the sheets for hours, not eating, nor sleeping. Only waiting now for the point of no return when Halbrand would leave you behind once more. Despair was on the verge of consuming you entirely as the silence ceased with a knock on the door. You ignored it, there was barely enough spirit left in you to do anything else. The knocking continued, and you remained in your chosen obliviousness. Eventually, a voice spoke from outside, and it was the last voice you expected to hear. It was Queen Regent Míriel. She spoke your name with care. "May I enter?" You shot straight out of bed with no regard for your appearance despite the company you were about to have. If your mother could see you now.
You opened the door and entreated her entry. Míriel entered alone, and took her place on the bed you had barely left in days. Suddenly you didn't feel like sitting, so you stood by the door gaping at her from across the room. She looked like an exotic animal thrown in a pit. Smiling warmly at you, she tapped the mattress, a wordless command from your Queen to join her on the bed. You were reluctant to of course, but you could not refuse her, so you quickly glided to the space beside her.
"Perhaps you are wondering why I am here." spoke Míriel with purpose in her tone. You did not respond in any way, but she continued regardless. "I have come to tell you personally that you will be remaining behind with the fleet once we make landfall."
"I know."
"You do?" she sounded puzzled.
"I overheard Lord Halbrand and Commander Galadriel outside that door only this morning."
"Forgive me, I was hoping to give you the courtesy of that knowledge myself." said the queen, her apology sincere.
"Like the courtesy you have shown me thus far? Spying on me?" Your distaste for the queen had returned during your unhappiness. For if you could not trust your love, or maybe even Galadriel it appeared, then who was left on this boat besides the horses?
"I told you I would be keeping an eye. I am only concerned for the safety of my people."
"I am one of your people am I not?"
"Exactly, which is why I am here. Lord Halbrand has not been himself since the two of you separated. I fear for his judgment. And from what Commander Galadriel has told me, I fear for you too."
Is there no one the she-elf has talked to about me? Perhaps I cannot trust the horses after all.
You sighed at the words of your queen, unsure of how to respond next. You let her go on. "I pray you must speak with your king before he departs."
"And what if I can't?" Your question was genuine, for you truly did not know if you could.
"Then Halbrand may risk more than just his own life on the battlefield."
You felt your tears returning at her words. The phrase 'duty greater than your own desires' began to rear its ugly head once more. It had become the motto of your love it seems. You had not considered this possibility, that Halbrand could take his heart ache into battle where it would be used against him, against your own. You began to realise that whether or not you were ready to make amends was besides the point. You had to do so for the sake of the fight, for the sake of the potential lives that might be lost because your king lost sight of his purpose once more.
"May I think on it, my queen?"
Her expression showed her dissatisfaction with your answer, but she nodded despite it. "You may. Of course." she managed a smile. "I know it will not be easy. But hear this. Once we begin our journey up the Anduin, it will only be hours before we set off. Do you understand?"
You nodded in acknowledgement. "What will I do though? Whilst I await your return?"
"You are going to help those that remain behind set up camp. Then you will prepare to receive the wounded, for there will be many. Do you have any skills as a healer?"
"My mother took care of the ill before she died. She was teaching me to be like her. I remember certain things, yes."
"Then you will be a greater aide than you realise." Míriel rose from the bed with these words, and you stood with her. She turned to face you and took your hands in hers. Her beautiful skin was so warm and soothing. Her eyes pierced your heart as she reminded you of her request. "I hope you can find it within you to forgive him. May the light of the one shine upon you."
"And on you, my queen."
Following this, she made her exit, leaving you with a burden all your own.