Hanging by a thread
The surgery itself was complicated. You couldn't remember much of it.
Everything was blurry when it happened, moving in slow motion as Dr. Cho's assistant carried you up to the lab. They both tried to keep you awake by asking questions and giving reassurance but it felt as if nothing could ground you anymore. It was too much.
You remembered whimpering as you were placed on a sterile table and immediately plugged into machines and an IV.
"I'm sorry, (Y/n), I know it hurts." Dr. Cho apologized. "We're going to have to operate now. The bullets can't stay there."
You had nodded, understanding. "Just do it."
Then the mask had been placed over the bottom half of your face, allowing you to breathe just that little bit easier as you handed your life into their hands.
Time was in a flux again. It always seemed to be lately. Too fast or too slow, varying in the middle, but never constant.
Dr. Cho had soon removed the bullet from your shoulder, noticing the blinking and recognizing it as a tracer. It didn't matter now, everyone already knew where you were. She had then moved on to the real problem.
The bullet in your abdomen.
Her assistant monitored your vitals and handed the necessary equipment over while Dr. Cho got to work. It was a delicate process and one wrong move could have killed you there on the spot. Thankfully, she managed to find the bullet alright.
But there was a problem.
It had split open - which was bad enough - but it was leaking. It was a dark and murky liquid and looked much like a poison. It certainly smelled like one. It had already mixed with your blood by then and without any hope of at least identifying the substance, Dr. Cho knew it was futile to hope for a cure.
You didn't have much time.
-
You couldn't hear or see much.
Whatever darkness you were in, it actually felt quite nice. There was minimal pain, it was peaceful, and things seemed okay.
There was a rhythmic beeping in the back of your mind. It seemed to be getting louder with each spike. You knew you were hanging on by a thread.
Thoughts were swirling around in your head and twisting your mind, warping its perception of the present situation into something that didn't seem so bad. It was as if you knew you didn't have long, and yet your mind was telling you it was okay.
It was just too much. The pure agony of trying to stay strong when no one knows how bad it really is was the worst kind of pain. That was why the darkness felt so appealing.
Alongside the beeping, you soon started to hear a voice. It was muffled and distorted at first and you couldn't make it out very well, but as the person spoke more and more you began to realize it sounded like Clint.
You were glad he was okay at least because he seemed like a nice guy. You tried to focus on his words and it slowly brought you back to consciousness.
"Yes, sir." He was saying. "That's what they told me... Sure... I'll keep you updated."
At this point you managed to figure out where he was. He was sitting at your bedside and had just put down a phone. It sounded like an important call, probably to someone like Fury. Your vision still wasn't at its best and you had strain to see him clearly.
"Agent Barton?" You asked.
Your voice sounded weak and it was taking everything just to muster those simple words.
"Was that Director Fury?" You questioned, wincing a little. "Did... Did we win?"
"Hey, Little Stark." Clint looked down at you, a soft smile on his face. "Yeah, that was him. We won. But we lost people."
A pang of guilt hit your chest and you closed your eyes tightly for a moment.
"How many?"
"Only a few."
"Do we have-" You abruptly stopped talking when a violent series of coughs jolted your body.
"Hey, hey, hey." Clint placed a hand on your arm. "Steady. Don't talk too much. With your condition I'm surprised you can even-"
He also stopped talking as a look of pain flashed over his face.
"Sorry." You mumbled, noticing the expression. "It just feels like someone jammed a hot poker in me. Am I dying or something?"
Although your words were meant to be humorized, you noticed Clint clench his fists.
He didn't want to be the one to tell you that you were in fact slowly dying. It irked him because you were just so young. In what kind of world was it acceptable to let people like that die? It didn't seem right.
Although he tried to hide it, you recognized the look in his eyes. You'd seen it on too many people within SHIELD after they had lost colleagues and friends on missions. You were about to be one of them.
"I'm dying." You stated, sinking in your bed slightly. "Lovely."
It didn't seem to process right at first. You appeared far too relaxed even for your own liking. And yet... There was something deep inside you now absolutely horrified.
While on the run a few years beforehand, you had lay in your sleeping bag for hours on end pondering Obadiah's threat. The fear of death was the whole reason your life played out the way it did. It seemed like it had finally caught up to you.
Your running was over, and that scared you.
Running was the only home you'd ever known. Back when things were bad with your dad, the mansion was just a mask and a lie. You never felt comfortable there. But on the run... It was simply better. Finally being allowed to stop was like admitting you were ready to give up.
"I'm sorry, kid." Clint said, sounding genuinely upset over it. "It was the bullet."
You looked down at your stomach and at the multitude of wires and pumps latched into a machine. It didn't exactly look like a good recovery anyway.
"Did it break?" You asked flatly, regarding the bullet.
Clint hesitated but eventually nodded in confirmation. "There was something inside it. The doc thinks it's poison and this machine contraption is keeping you alive."
"How long?"
He had to look away, unable to meet your eyes. "Hours at most. They don't think you'll make the night."
If the thought of death wasn't scary enough on its own, you suddenly realized that it meant you would be leaving others behind. Your dad, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, the Parkers, and even Coulson and his team. You would miss them all. You felt haunted by the very thought of them living with your ghost.
You had to hold on, to be strong for everyone but yourself.
And there was FRIDAY. With death on your heels when you created her you had to make sure to put contingencies in place. Only a Stark could activate her if you died. She was in safe hands at least.
Clint could see each emotion going through you, and he could see you were close to tears even if you looked too dazed to realize it. You didn't deserve this. You needed a distraction.
He picked up his jacket and took out his wallet, taking something from a secure pocket inside. You looked over and noticed a tiny picture of a family. A very beautiful woman, two little kids, and Clint himself.
"This is my family." He explained, showing the picture properly and pointing out each person. "That's my wife, Laura, and those little rascals are Cooper and Lila. I don't show this to a lot of people so consider yourself lucky, Little Stark."
You were pleasantly surprised.
Being an Avenger caught a lot of press and attention. If any of them had an active family, the world would know. But apparently super spies were great at hiding things.
You managed a flickering smile. "Well, well, Barton. Here I was thinking you were the world's most eligible bachelor."
He laughed softly, shaking his head and smiling. "Nope. I'm happy, though."
In truth, seeing you like this reminded him of home. Anyone could have been in your place, even him.
"No one knows?" You asked curiously.
"Not a lot." He confessed. "Nat knows, and Fury. Coulson did. But they're the only ones. Being in this line of work, you have to have your secrets. I didn't want them being targeted or hurt because of who I am."
You nodded. "I get that. It sucks."
"Yeah."
"You didn't tell my dad? Or the others on your team?"
"It was never brought up." He shrugged. "Maybe one day they'll know, but not now."
Once more, you nodded in understanding. "Do you ever regret coming to SHIELD? With all the missions and assignments... It's a lot."
"It's hard." He admitted. "But I try my best to not get my ass kicked too hard or too permanently."
You shared a light smile until the sound of multiple new voices could be heard from outside the room. Clint quickly hid the photograph again, putting on a reassuring smile right as the door opened.
With scared looks on their faces stood Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy.
With no shortage of surprises that day, you were amazed your jaw hadn't just dropped off entirely.
"Happy? Uncle Rhodey?" Your eyes lit up. "Peppy!"
All three of them had conflicted emotions bringing them to tears and sadness. Rhodey and Pepper rushed forward instantly, hugging you so tightly you actually thought you might burst from all the affection.
"Breathing is sort of a life requirement, you know?" You joked, not at all minding.
"Sorry, silly goose." Rhodey smiled, ruffling your hair.
You hadn't heard that nickname in so long. It brought back feelings you had long since buried.
Pepper leaned back and pressed a loving kiss to your cheek. "I can't believe this. You're okay. You're here!"
"You had us worried." Rhodey added, quickly sitting beside the bed. "What happened? You just... Left. We thought you were dead. For years we... We had no idea."
"But it doesn't matter anymore." Pepper quickly assured you, holding your hand in her own. She looked amazed. "You're so grown up now... Beautiful."
"How many hearts you break?"
You felt overwhelmed by the questions and compliments and yet you didn't mind at all. It was just nice to have them back.
"A few." You answered, shyly looking down.
Rhodey chuckled. "That's my girl."
Pepper smiled at you. "We had no idea you were with SHIELD this whole time. You were so close and no one knew."
"I'm sorry, Peppy." You mumbled. "I didn't want anyone to worry. I didn't even think anyone would. I just... I'm so sorry for running. I thought I was keeping you safe. I thought being alone and knowing you were okay was better than just waiting and never knowing."
"Oh, sweetie." She gave your hand a light squeeze. "We love you. We always did and always will, nothing changes that. You did what you thought was right."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You're here now."
Feeling a weight lift from your shoulders, you looked back to Rhodey with a happy grin. "I hear you got promoted, Colonel. And a fancy new suit."
He exaggerated a smug look, brushing down his current suit. "Damn right."
You laughed. "Good on you. I'm proud. And I bet Gran-Gran Rhodes was as well."
"Sure was. I'm telling you, free cookies for years."
"Hell yeah!"
"You're not so bad yourself with all that fancy SHIELD tech you designed. They told us you've got talent."
"Well, you know." You shrugged innocently, trying not to let it show when the action caused a tremor of pain to shoot through every nerve. "I had moments. Not so bad in action either."
"You mean that car chase?" Pepper asked in a teasing but also motherly tone. "It was on every channel."
"Oops?"
"I think it was badass." Rhodey commented, smirking.
"It was dangerous." She told the both of you. She then looked to Clint who had backed up beside Happy to give everyone space. "Is she going to be okay?"
Your smile dropped.
It was so good to see everyone that you forgot about that bit.
"We should talk." Clint advised, reluctantly stepping out.
With looks of confusion, Rhodey and Pepper stood up again.
"We'll be right back, silly goose." Rhodey told you, leaving with Happy.
Pepper kissed your forehead softly, resting a hand on your cheek. "Don't go anywhere."
You forced a cheeky grin. "Promise."
Once she also left the room, you were left to simply watch through the windows as Clint delivered the news. It broke your heart as you saw the dread set in on each face. Pepper started crying and shaking her head and insisting that it didn't make sense while Rhodey and Happy did their best to try and comfort her.
You looked down at your hands, feeling the weight on your shoulders again. It was hard to listen to the crying so instead you focused on your heart monitor which seemed to be the only calm thing in the room. For now anyway.
After some time, the door opened again, and Happy came in. He looked uncertain and almost afraid.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
"Hey..." You looked up again. "It's not your fault."
"I know I promised, but if I'd said something..." He trailed off, struggling to form words that conveyed his feelings. "If someone else knew, you wouldn't be here. You'd be safe. You'd be with Tony and your family."
"I am with family, Happy. You're here, aren't you?"
Just those simple words brought him to tears.
"Damn it, (Y/n)." He joked, trying to keep a straight face.
"I'm glad you kept the promise." You said. "I know it couldn't have been easy but you did. That means the world to me. How are..." You had to pause, feeling horrible. "Is everyone okay?"
"It's a lot."
You tried to lighten the mood. "How do you think I feel? I'm the dying one."
Movement through the windows caught your eye then. You noticed Pepper - still crying - reaching out to someone just beyond your field of vision. Bruce and Dr. Cho had also shown up.
It was your dad.
Tony embraced Pepper and the two stayed there for a moment, processing the mournful news.
Your bottom lip trembled as another wave of emotions hit you. You were so glad you had the chance to see your family again, but you prayed to whatever higher power there was that you would have just a little more time with your dad.
When the door swung open and he stood there, breathless, the beeping on your heart monitor got faster. Feeling the lack of energy all over again, your hoarse voice filled the room.
"Dad…"