blood in the water
Layla jolts awake for the fifth time that day, Natalia giving her a curious look.
Yelena tugs on her sleeve to get her attention again. “Mama! It’s your go!”
Layla struggles to remember the rules of the board game, moving her piece along the board as her dice roll dictates. She feels her head drooping as Natalia takes her turn, distracting herself by bouncing Yelena in her lap. The girl squeals, giggling.
It’s not until blood drips onto the board that she realizes her nose is bleeding, Yelena grabbing her face. “Mama! Boo-boo!”
Layla covers her nose with her hand, standing up. “Continue playing without me, okay?”
She makes her way into the bathroom, leaning on the sink as blood drips down the drain. This was the third one in two days, and it scares her. Layla traces the black smudges under her eyes with a finger before grabbing a tissue and re-joining the game, ignoring the anxious looks Natalia gave her. She didn’t refuse to kiss Layla’s nose when Yelena asked this time.
The second one that day occurs when Melina is checking her over, making her report any symptoms. Melina passes her a tissue, reaching over to grab a pen and paper.
“How many have you had today?”
“This is the second,” Layla replies truthfully, giving Melina a searching look. She doesn't give any cues to this response, only telling Layla not to get any stains on her clothes.
The next day, her nose bleeds over dinner. Alexei refuses to excuse her so she eats while blood drips down her chin, Natalia leaving with Yelena as the younger girl bursts into tears at the sight. Layla knows she needs to be better at hiding these from the girls. They are only little and she can’t expect them to understand that she’s okay, that they don’t hurt her.
Layla doesn’t sleep that night, Yelena clinging to her after crying herself to sleep against her. She needs to be a better sister, a better mother, a better everything. She is a Widow and she can adapt to everything life throws at her and this is no different.
Natalia pulls her aside the next day, pulling Layla close to inspect her face. “Why is your nose bleeding?”
“It’s a different altitude,” Layla lies, remembering what happened to girls when they’d gone on missions. A voice in her head reminds Layla that the girls that had bloody noses died soon afterwards. “My body’s adapting.”
“Why hasn’t mine or Yelena’s bled then?” Natalia presses on, pushing Layla’s nose with a finger.
“Not everyone’s nose bleeds from the difference,” Layla explains, running a hand through Natalia’s hair. The girl leans into her touch. “You shouldn’t worry.”
“I’m not,” Natalia replies quickly.
“You need to be calm for Yelena. She’s only little and doesn’t understand.” Layla places her hands on Natalia’s shoulders. “She looks up to you because you’re her big sister, so you need to be brave so she knows to be.”
Natalia nods, before hesitating. “Is Melina hurting you? Is that why your nose is bleeding?”
“No,” Layla assures her, carefully pulling the girl close. Natalia stiffens before relaxing into the hold. “Everything’s fine. I’m okay.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise.” The lie feels bitter on Layla’s tongue.
Layla starts getting headaches. They’re more annoying than anything else at first and Layla chalks it up to the constant nosebleeds she’s been getting.
The exhaustion coupled with the nosebleeds and headaches, however, are miserable and no matter how hard Layla trudges on, she just wants to lay down and let the world carry on without her for a while.
Layla finally lays down in bed only hours after rising, unable to pull together anymore energy for the moment. Her head aches fiercely but she doubts she’d be given medication if she brought it up to Melina. Natalia immediately picks up on Layla feeling unwell and does her best to keep Yelena distracted and engaged.
Yelena still wants to play with Layla. Yelena attempts to keep climbing up the side of the bed to tug on Layla’s shirt and get her attention to show her whatever she had made because Layla wasn’t paying her any mind.
Layla tries to be patient with Yelena, telling the young girl that she was tired and to go play with Natalia. Yelena is nothing but stubborn, unfortunately.
Yelena manages to scale the side of the bed, losing her balance in her attempt to crawl onto Layla’s chest. “Mama, look! We built a tower.” Yelena’s elbow hits Layla’s face and Layla sits up, pushing Yelena off of her as she squeezes her eyes shut at the pain from the blow.
“That’s enough, Yelena! Knock it off!” Layla didn’t mean to snap at her and she had only realized what she had done when she opens her eyes, her gaze falling onto the sight of Yelena’s little face scrunched up with fear and hurt. “Shit--” She mumbles, reaching toward the little girl.
“Don’t touch her!” Natalia slaps Layla’s hand away, grabbing the back of Yelena’s shirt to tug her away from Layla and toward her. Yelena’s lower lip wobbles as she lets out a small sniffle and guilt hits Layla hard.
“Okay,” Layla holds her hands up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”
“Your nose is bleeding,” Natalia tells her with a scowl, pulling Yelena closer. “Go deal with it.”
Layla reaches up, swiping a hand under her nose and sighing when it comes back red. She climbs off of the bed, Natalia tugging Yelena with her to the mattress in the corner of the room to give Layla a wide berth. Layla heads into the bathroom, wincing as she washes the blood from her face and peers up into the mirror.
She hadn’t meant to get upset with Yelena. Yelena was only little, she didn’t understand that Layla was feeling unwell, especially not when Layla was doing her best to conceal that fact from them. What kind of a mother was she? Yelena trusted her to be the person to keep her safe and protect her, and all Layla had done was hurt her.
Layla needed to apologize and make it up to them but she wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. She had yet to upset either of them to the point of Natalia lashing out in aggression. Natalia had regarded Layla as a threat and that stung more than the blow to the face.
Layla lingers in the bathroom long after her nose stopped bleeding. The girls practically lived in her bedroom with her and Layla didn’t want them to feel unsafe in the only place they had both let their guards down. When Layla does eventually return to her bedroom, neither girl acknowledges her and Layla feels the pit of guilt in her stomach grow when she sees tears drying on Yelena’s cheeks.
She had gotten the quiet she wanted so she could rest but Layla no longer felt exhausted to the point of wanting to curl into a ball for hours. She wanted to hold Yelena close and apologize to her but she couldn’t yet.
Layla waits until that night when Yelena shuffles close to her for help getting ready for bed. When Yelena was changed into her pajamas, Layla lifted her up into her arms. “I’m very sorry for raising my voice at you, little one,” Layla said quietly, reaching up to cradle Yelena’s head against her shoulder. “I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
Yelena doesn’t say anything but reaches up to wrap her arms around Layla’s neck. Layla glances over at where Natalia was standing, watching with her arms folded.
“I’m sorry,” Layla apologizes to her as well, watching the brief flicker of confusion cross Natalia’s face. “I didn’t mean to yell or make you think I was going to hurt either of you.”
Widows were not used to apologies. They were merely tools and one doesn’t apologize to tools. Natalia shifts in place before giving a curt nod, unsure of how to respond to the apology. “Don’t-- don’t do it again.”
Still, guilt lingers in Layla’s chest and she doesn’t know how to smooth things over. She shifts Yelena to one arm so that she can close the curtains for the night and they can all go to bed. She paused in front of the window, one hand gripping the curtain as she gazed out into the sky where the moon was shining brightly.
“Hey,” Layla bounced Yelena on her hip. “Look,” She pointed up at the sky. “What do you see?”
Yelena pulled her head from where she had tucked it against the crook of Layla’s neck. “Lots of stars, Mama.”
“That’s right. What else?” She encourages, aware of Natalia slowly sliding closer to the window.
“The moon,” Yelena is sitting up, leaning forward to try and get a better look out the window. “It’s big.”
Layla chuckles softly. “Yes. It’s a full moon tonight.” She agrees and looks down at Natalia. “What do you know about full moons?”
Natalia peers up at her uncertainly, a small frown on her face as she thinks. “It’s when the earth is between the moon and the sun.” She says slowly.
“Yeah,” Layla agrees, glancing back up at the sky. “Would you like to know a secret?”
Layla smiles softly when she feels both girls peering over at her. She looks down at them as they nod.
“Knowing when the full moon is will help you keep track of time,” Layla tells them as she feels Natalia get close enough to brush against her side. “It happens every twenty-nine to thirty days. Each year has at least fourteen of them.”
With their full attention, Layla proceeds to talk them through the phases of the moon and what she remembers learning years ago while on a mission with another Widow as they do a stake-out. As Natalia leans into her side and Yelena rests her head back onto her shoulder, Layla finally relaxes for the first time that day.
Layla ties up Yelena’s shoes, tapping her feet when she’s done. “You’re ready.”
Yelena bounces on her toes, looking at Melina. “Mac and cheese?”
Melina doesn’t answer, frowning at Layla. “Where’s Natasha?”
Natalia comes downstairs at her name, giving Layla an anxious look as she stands next to her. Melina gives them a cursory look over, straightening Natalia’s collar. “Yelena, hold Layla’s hand.”
Yelena grips Layla’s hand as they head to the car, Layla stepping back as Melina buckles the girl into her seat. As she starts to climb through to her seat, Melina grabs her, pulling her out so they’re facing each other.
“Remember your place whilst we’re in the shop.” Melina’s hand grips Layla’s shoulder just a bit too hard. “Do not disobey me.”
Layla nods. “Yes ma’am.”
The slip-up causes Melina to grab her shoulder tighter and Layla is thankful they are in the street. “Being tired gives you no excuse to slip up, Widow.”
The title jolts Layla back to her senses. “Yes, Aunt Melissa.”
The woman releases her grip on her shoulder and Layla suspects it’ll bruise. The car journey is quiet, Yelena singing along to the radio.
They enter the shop, Melina carrying Yelena as she squirms. Natalia holds her hand, eyes flicking to all the exits.
“Layla, sweetheart, can you get us a cart?” Melina’s words catch her off guard, and it takes her a moment to process them. She grabs a cart and Melina sets Yelena inside, the girl continuing to reach her arms towards Layla.
Layla is perfectly content to just push the cart around the store, her head aching. She hates how tired she is, how she never feels well. It’s draining but she’s a Widow. Layla doesn’t have the luxury to cry over something as small as pain.
“Layla, can you carry Lena?” Melina asks and she jerks out of her thoughts, reaching to pick her up. Yelena’s face is crumpled as if she’s going to cry but it calms when Layla picks her up, snuggling against her.
Natalia reaches out to take Layla’s hand and Melina frowns. Layla guides Natalia’s hand to the cart’s handle, giving her a placating look. “Is there anything you want me to get, Aunt Melissa?”
The words feel foreign in her mouth and she can feel Yelena’s confused look. “Yes. Can you get us some apples?”
Layla carries Yelena as she walks down the next aisle, the girl’s warm weight comforting. Her head is spinning and she wants to lie down but Layla forces herself to talk to Yelena, pointing out all the food that has pink packaging.
Something hits her shoulder and Layla flinches, grabbing the person by wrist and bending it backwards. The woman yells and Layla lets go, backing into shelves. Layla can feel items topple off behind her but she can barely breathe, her lungs closing up. She can feel tears dripping down her face and Yelena is talking to her but all she can hear is the blood rushing in her ears.
There is some part of Layla that knows she shouldn’t react like this but it is drowned out by how scared she is, because this woman attacked her. She could have been trying to take Yelena and Layla was just protecting her. She didn’t mean to make the woman scream.
“Layla.” There’s an insistent tugging at her hand but Layla can’t get herself to move. Melina steps into her vision, hand cupping her cheek. Layla flinches away.
“It’s your Aunt Melissa, Layla. We need to go now, okay?”
Layla is half aware of the fact they’ve left without buying anything but all she can do is clutch Yelena to her chest as she follows Melina out of the store. She doesn’t let Yelena go in the car so they drive back with Layla holding her. Layla lets Melina guide her back to her room once they get home, falling asleep not long afterwards.
When she wakes up Yelena is heavy against her chest, hands gripping Layla’s shirt. Natalia curls around them, her face buried into Layla’s neck. Time is slow and she barely realizes a prick in her neck as Melina enters.
Melina calls her into her office the next day, Layla bumping into the doorframe as she enters. Melina doesn’t say anything as she takes her vitals before making Layla sit down. She isn’t sure what Melina injects into her arm but when Melina lets her stand up again her head feels clearer.
“You jeopardized the mission,” Melina informs her and Layla’s heart stops.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. It won’t happen again,” Layla apologizes and Melina nods, sifting through her files.
“We are going to go to the garage and you are going to dance until I tell you to stop.”
Layla doesn’t let how tired she is show on her face. “Do you want me to get changed first?”
“No.”
Melina forces her to go through every routine she’s learned three times before Layla can stop. She doubles over at the end, fighting the urge to vomit as she tries to stop her head from spinning. Melina yanks her head up, forcing Layla to look her in the eyes.
“Next time you will not get off so easily. Do not behave like that again.”
Layla nods. “Yes, ma’am.” She says and Melina dismisses her to return to her room.
Yelena crawls onto her chest as Layla lies back down onto her bed. “Sick, Mama?”
“I’m not sick,” Layla tells her, pressing a kiss to the girl’s nose. “Just tired.”
“You’re always tired,” Yelena complains. “I wanna play!”
Guilt jolts through her and Layla forces herself upright, sliding to the floor where Yelena’s toys are scattered. Natalia gives her a worried look. “Of course I’ll play with you. What do you want to do?”
Natalia tugs on her sleeve as Yelena babbles on about her game. “I can play instead,” she whispers in Russian.
“It’s okay. Thank you, Natasha.” Natalia gives her a bright smile at that, leaning against her shoulder. Layla wraps an arm around her, pushing her tiredness away. She didn’t have a headache anymore and she was a Widow. Widows were made of marble, marble didn’t tire. Layla had to be flexible and Yelena didn’t understand what was happening. It wasn’t fair to her for Layla to not give her the attention she deserved.
That night, Yelena clambers up her lap as Layla reads to her to kiss her nose. “No more boo-boos.”
Layla smiles at her. “Thank you.”
“Now you can play with me forever,” Yelena says as she snuggles back down against her. “I miss you.”
Layla can barely see through the guilt that floods her. “I’m sorry for being a bad mama.”
“You’re the best mama,” Yelena informs her. “No more boo-boos.”
“No more boo-boos,” Layla promises, her hands shaking slightly as she holds the book. “I love you, Yelena.”
“I love you!” Yelena tells her, unaware of how Layla’s head spins. Widows cannot love and yet she told Yelena she loves her without thinking twice. Layla knows that they’ll be separated after the mission, that love is foolish, but for now she can pretend that she can love Yelena. That a Widow can love.