the rising sun
There’s a strange sort of tension between Layla and Natalia. Layla’s not exactly sure what to do to change it, so she gets on with it, ignoring the younger girl’s lingering glances on her back.
The school term starts, and Layla is thrust into a world she’s never experienced before. She isn’t assigned to make any friends which suits her fine. Widows were never friends and she has no idea how to start, preferring to watch and plan. The work is easy in places, learning things she’s been able to do since she was ten, but subjects like history was a foreign concept to her. She does well. She doesn’t risk doing badly.
Layla has to drop Natalia off and pick her up from the school next door. Melina picks them up at the end of the road, and Layla has to walk awkwardly with her fake cousin. She takes Natalia’s hand every time they cross the road by the school, and the younger girl lets go immediately afterward, glancing at Layla warily. Natalia never talks, and Layla never knows what to say.
By the time September draws to a close, Melina and Alexei are fighting every night. It didn’t really bother Layla, more so it confuses her. Alexei always seems to initiate them, angry and loud. It is what she expects of soldiers. Yet, Melina retaliates.
Widows didn’t fight back. They didn’t question their superiors. They did everything they were asked, and if they disagreed they kept it to themself. But Melina argues back just as loud, her voice more terrifying than Alexei’s. Layla is used to soldiers fighting over the smallest thing. It is not Layla’s place to question Melina’s behavior but it tips her world on its head.
Natalia and Yelena hate yelling, Layla notices. Natalia can keep it hidden for the most part, wincing whenever someone comes close, or whenever a fist hits the wall. Yelena screamed louder than the yells, her tiny hands pressed over her ears as she wailed. Layla can’t stop the fights but she takes Yelena into her room, knowing Natalia will follow soon after. She’s not really meant to do it - she’s their cousin, she’s a Widow, she’s a prop for a mission - but she can’t help herself.
That night, Layla grabs Yelena and runs when a plate hits the wall, ceramic shattering all over the floor. Yelena cries against her chest as Layla slams her door shut, sitting on her bed and cradling the child close against her. She really shouldn't hold her like this but Yelena was scared. It was for the best interests of the mission.
Natalia follows a few seconds later, a tear rolling down her cheek. Layla pretends not to notice.
It’s the same as usual, Natalia sitting against the wall as Yelena cuddles against Layla, her thumb in her mouth. Layla leans her head back and prays for it to be over.
There are footsteps on the stairs and then a fist hits their door, Yelena bursting into tears while the other two jump. Natalia presses her back into the door, forcing it closed. Her body jolts as Alexei hits the door again.
And Layla sits there, eyes wide. She’s not stupid, she knows what will happen. But Yelena is a child and so is Natalia.
As Alexei yells through the door, Layla removes Yelena from her lap and hands her the pillow. “Press this around your ears and put your face against the bed.”
Yelena does so and Layla joins Natalia against the door, forcing it closed. The younger girl makes eye contact with her before nodding, and they both press against the door. Layla isn’t exactly sure what Natalia got from that moment but she knows it can’t be bad, so pushes that from her mind. Yelena wails in the background and Layla mouths unspoken pleas to anyone who’s listening.
“Alexei, stop!” Melina yells at him, and Layla sees Natalia hesitate at that. “What will the neighbors think if they hear this?”
Layla should have known Melina didn’t care about them, but it still hurt somehow. There were silent tears on Natalia’s face as they leaned against the door, Yelena crying loudly on the bed.
Layla doesn’t listen to the argument Melina and Alexei have, preferring to wish and beg and pray that they would survive, that someone would rescue them. She didn’t think anyone would though because there could be nothing out there who would let this happen.
Natalia’s shoulders shake as the door rattled again, and Layla places her own hands over the girl’s ears, struggling to block the noise. Natalia doesn’t shove them away.
Layla doesn’t sleep that night, even as the noise stops, and even as the girls fall asleep against her on the bed.
It was silent the next night, Melina and Alexei unusually quiet, the lack of shouting a stark contrast to the previous nights. Layla sits in her room after she goes to bed, staring out the window. She rests her chin on her knees, the constellations blurring in her vision. She wipes at her eyes, digging her nails into her legs. She doesn’t trust this odd silence. She’s stuck in Ohio with two children on a mission that should never have happened. She’s a Widow and she shouldn’t question missions but Layla can’t help herself anymore.
Her door opens and she tenses, hand reaching for her knife, before pausing. Natalia stands there with Yelena holding her hand, the latter struggling to stay awake. Layla reaches for Yelena before she can topple over, tucking her under the covers on her lap.
Natalia crawls under her covers. “If we’re together it’s easier to protect Yelena. Therefore, if we all share your room, we can make sure she’s safe.”
Layla can see the barely-concealed anxiety in Natalia’s eyes. She may be a Widow but she is only eight. “That sounds like a good idea, Natasha.”
Natalia nods, her head resting against Layla’s hip. Layla is terrified by how comfortable Natalia seems to be around her. She doesn’t deserve it in the slightest. But it’s comforting and she’s not going to stop her.
Layla wonders if she’s doing the right thing as their quiet breaths fill the room. She’s not their mother and she knows that she is not fulfilling her role as their cousin properly. Melina and Alexei don’t care and although the girls will be Widows like her one day, they are not now. They are children and Layla can’t bring herself to push them away anymore.
Layla finds herself collecting an odd assortment of things that don’t belong to her in her room. It’s mainly things from Yelena. Yelena will drag her toys into Layla’s room to play with her and leave them there. They come in handy on hard nights when Alexei and Melina yell. The sight of a stuffed toy Yelena had forgotten can help soothe her faster.
With the addition of the new toys, there was Yelena’s favorite storybook that found a home on Layla’s dresser. Layla had probably read it enough times that she could recite it from memory but Yelena liked looking at the pictures.
Layla started reciting it to Yelena at night to get her to settle down when the little girl was too unsettled to sleep, knowing that there was an inevitable fight coming. Layla would pretend that she doesn’t see Natalia lurking in the shadows and listening as well.
And then one night, Layla finishes the story and tugs the covers over Yelena’s tiny body when the child speaks up. “I love you.”
Layla’s heart skips a beat at the statement, freezing as she peers down at the girl staring up at her with a bright sleepy smile. Layla quickly pulls a smile over her own face. “You too.” She replies in return because she’s pretty sure cousins can love each other.
But she was a Widow. Widows do not love. They do not get attached. Layla doesn’t even know if she remembers how to feel love, nevertheless how to express it.
Layla had expected it to be a one-time thing except Yelena was now constantly expressing her love for Layla. The words leave Yelena’s mouth as easily as she breathes. Layla doesn’t know how to respond anymore. Sometimes she can ignore Yelena and brush it off but other times Yelena will clamber on her to get her attention until she acknowledges the statement.
Then one night, as Layla was settling Yelena down again, the child said, “I love you, Mama.”
For a brief moment, a sharp stab of fear shoots through Layla as she jerks to look at the door where she thought Melina would be standing. There is nobody there and Layla looks back down at Yelena.
Yelena had said ‘mama’. She called Melina ‘mommy’. Layla swallows hard as she tries to think of how she should respond to Yelena.
When Layla takes too long to reply, Yelena repeats herself, sitting up to grab Layla’s cheeks with her hands. “I love you, Mama.”
Layla gently grasped Yelena’s hands to pull them away from her face. “Mommy is downstairs.” She feigns ignorance to what Yelena had said, hoping that she misunderstood. Yelena shakes her head in denial but Layla tightens her grip on Yelena’s hands slightly. “Look at me. Mommy is downstairs, she can’t come to say goodnight to you right now.”
“You’re Mama,” Yelena tells her stubbornly, her lips twisted into an unhappy scowl.
This is not meant to happen. Widows do not get attached. They do not deserve to love or be loved. Layla has hurt young girls before; she cannot be a mother. Widows are not meant to be mothers and when Layla graduates in four years then it’ll be assured.
“I am not your mama,” Layla finally manages to get out, the words coming out sharper than she means for them to. The scowl on Yelena’s face drops into unsure confusion. “You already have a mommy, silly.” Layla tries to lighten her tone.
Yelena shakes her head in denial. “You’re like mama.” Yelena points a finger toward where her favorite book was resting. “In the story.”
Layla doesn’t know how to shut Yelena down without the child ending up in tears. If Yelena starts to cry and they get caught then Layla will be in so much trouble. Even now, Layla can see tears welling up in Yelena’s big hazel eyes.
Still, Layla tries one more time. “I’m not your mama, Yelena. You already have a mommy.”
Yelena’s face scrunches up, her lower lip wobbling dangerously as her breath hitches. Yelena was about to start sobbing, the one thing that Layla did not want.
“Okay, okay.” Layla quickly says before she realizes what she’s doing. “Don’t cry. Shh.” Layla pulls Yelena against her like she would do to get her to settle down and comfort her.
“M-Mama,” Yelena sniffles out and Layla takes a deep breath before nodding.
“Yes,” She agrees, tucking Yelena’s head against her chest. This wasn’t going to hurt anything. Yelena could call her whatever she wanted as long as it kept her happy and didn’t draw attention from Melina and Alexei. “Look at me, Yelena.”
Yelena tilts her head up, tears quietly rolling down her cheeks as she blinks them out of her eyes. Layla reaches out to wipe them away with the sleeve of her shirt.
“You cannot call me that in front of your mommy or daddy, okay? It’s a secret. Do you understand?” Layla doesn’t know how much Yelena is capable of comprehending. “You can only call me that when it’s me and you.”
Yelena nods her head and Layla has to hope that she actually understood.
“Good,” Layla breathes out and takes a few moments to ensure that Yelena wasn’t going to start crying again. “It’s bedtime.”
Yelena doesn’t protest when Layla settles her down again. “Night-night, Mama.”
Layla has to take a few moments to remember how to breathe before she gives Yelena a smile. “Goodnight, Yelena.”
That night, Layla doesn’t sleep very much. She can’t tug her thoughts away from the memories that are dredged out of the corners of her mind.
She is a Widow. She is made of marble. She has no place in the world. Widows do not get attachments. Widows destroy everything they touch. They leave nothing but pain and destruction in their wake.
Layla had gotten comfortable with the fact that she was never going to be a mother. She’d never be a very good one anyway, no Widow was. The Red Room carves out every bit that could once give them any maternal thoughts. Layla had settled with the forethought and yet here she was.
She can’t remember her own mother. She doesn’t know if Natalia can remember hers. If anything, Yelena deserved to have a good mother in her memories.
Layla doesn’t know how to give what she herself has not experienced but she is a Widow. Widows adapt and they overcome challenges.
She will figure it out.
Layla hears the creak outside her door but ignores it, kissing Yelena’s nose as she tucks the covers around the girl. “Sleep well.”
“Love you, Mama!” Yelena replies, and there’s another creak outside Layla’s door. She smooths Yelena’s hair before pushing her door open, Natalia crouched by it. The girl bolts and Layla grabbed at the collar of her shirt, feeling the fabric slip through her fingers as Natalia escapes to her room.
Fear floods through Layla as she closes her bedroom door again, sinking to the floor. She’d been so careful, making sure no one overheard Yelena call her that, and yet Natalia caught them. The girl would tell Melina and she’d be in trouble. Yelena would be in trouble, and that was twenty times worse.
Even as Melina and Alexei scream at each other that night, Natalia doesn’t make her usual entrance. Layla stays with Yelena, soaking in the last moments they’d have together before Natalia got them torn apart.
The next day, there is no confrontation from Melina, and Natalia comes in as normal. Layla wishes that the fight would hurry up and arrive but enjoys the time she gets to spend with Yelena.
It takes a week to pass before Layla realizes Natalia hasn’t said anything. It confuses her, so she brings the girl aside as Yelena plays with toys in Layla’s room, which is quickly becoming Layla-and-Yelena’s room.
“You overheard the conversation,” Layla states, and Natalia looks away. “You haven’t said anything.”
Natalia is silent for a moment before replying. “Why does she call you that? Mama.”
Layla isn’t really sure why Yelena calls her that. “She says I am like her book, like the mama in there.”
“Oh.” Natalia looks around, before giving her a hesitant glance. “But Melissa is meant to be our Mommy and your aunt.”
“Yes. That is why it’s a secret.” Layla grabs Natalia’s hand and squeezes it. “You must not say anything, Natalia.”
Her real name catches the girl’s attention. “Okay.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.” Natalia glances towards her door. “I think you do a better job at being a mom than Melissa,” she mumbles, before slipping out of the room.
Layla freezes at the confession, before shaking her head a little and going to find Yelena.
That night, Natalia comes in with a pile of blankets and pillows and sets them up on the floor. Layla doesn’t stop what she’s doing, Yelena curling against her as she reads through a picture book. She sees Natalia watching too and tilts the book towards her.
The day after that, Natalia manages to drag her entire mattress through the door, remaking her bed. Layla knows Melina sees this but doesn’t fuss, so Layla doesn’t either. She doubts Alexei notices.
It’s only when a month has passed when Melina pulls her aside, hitting her around the face with a stinging blow. “These are not your children.”
“I know,” Layla replies, anticipating the next hit before it lands. Melina doesn’t say anything else but Layla doesn’t get dinner that night. Natalia brings her up food, tucked under her shirt.
Summer eventually creeps up on them, and Layla has spent nearly a year in Ohio. It’s been a very long year and Layla has gotten very close with the girls that were meant to be posing as her younger cousins, despite her best efforts.
Since Natalia had found out about what Yelena called Layla, Yelena had been allowed to call Layla ‘Mama’ whenever Natalia was around as well. Layla still sees Natalia watching them as she tries to understand why their dynamic had shifted and what had caused it.
As the school year draws to a close, Layla finds herself swamped with homework to prepare her for the end-of-year test. She doesn’t have as much time to play with Yelena anymore but Natalia has stepped up to interact with her in a way that doesn’t seem like she’s disarming a bomb.
Layla’s sitting at the desk in her room, hunched over her notebooks as she tugs at her hair in frustration. She’d never needed to learn certain subjects before in the Red Room, there was no use for them. Now she was struggling to catch up.
The door to her bedroom opens and Layla scoots her chair out slightly to allow whichever girl entered her room access to her lap. She is slightly surprised to see Natalia as she squirms her way up between Layla and the desk. Layla tucks Natalia against her chest so that she can peer over her head down at her work. “Is something wrong?”
“No.” Natalia replied and Layla paused, glancing down at her.
“Did you need something then?” She asked and Natalia shook her head. Layla takes a few moments to try and decipher what reason Natalia had for coming in here. Her eyes briefly scan Natalia’s face for some sort of distress or sign that she had needed Layla. When Layla finds nothing, she hesitantly turns back toward her books.
Natalia doesn’t say anything. She leans against Layla’s chest and sits quietly as Layla works.
Layla can eventually hear the front door open and close harshly as Alexei arrives home from work. Natalia immediately stiffens in her lap and Layla casts a glance toward her work. “Hey.” Layla cups Natalia’s face to get her attention. “Go get your sister and bring her here, okay?” Layla couldn’t leave her desk with unfinished work, Melina would not tolerate that. Natalia nods her head and slips off of Layla’s lap, darting off to get Yelena.
It’s not until that night that Natalia climbs into Layla’s bed that she finally voices what was on her mind. “Yelena is my sister.”
Layla glances down at the sleeping child curled against her before looking back up at Natalia, unsure of the point she was trying to make. “Yes.”
“Does that mean you’re my mom?” Natalia asked, tilting her head to the side as she averted her eyes anxiously.
“Only if you want me to be.”
“Can we be sisters?” Natalia finally says, clenching her fists. “I don’t care.”
“I’d like to be sisters.” Layla smiles at her, and the girl smiles back before she turns to settle down for bed.
Layla thinks she loves them as she tucks them into bed, Yelena reaching up for sleepy cuddles. Widows can’t and don’t love, but Layla doesn’t know how else to describe it.
Yelena and Natalia came to Ohio to be Alexei and Melina’s daughters. But they’re Layla’s girls. Alexei was angry and hurt them. Melina didn’t care about them as long as it didn’t damage their image. Layla is meant to just be their cousin but it is more than that. She is Yelena’s mama and Natalia’s sister and that is better than anything she could have asked for.
She knows they will go back to the Red Room one day. That little Yelena will be broken until she is a shell of her former self, that Natalia will go back to avoiding everyone. Layla is a killer and she will one day die at the hands of the Red Room. None of them stand a chance to be family and it is stupid for her to pretend.
But Layla ignores that because they are hers. The end is forever ticking closer but she will be the best she can be for them until the time comes.