Until I lose my breath
Fuck you Stan Marsh.
Ever since that hang out with that stupid meaningful talk, Kyle's crush had gotten way, way worse.
That dumb marsh boy had to say just the right thing. With the most memorable of touches. And now Kyle is done. He's absolutely gone. He can't even look at the boy without feeling like he's being lit on fire. Starting at his heart and slowly burning through the rest of his body. It's a good pain in such a horrible context. The love that Kyle feels for Stan burns him slowly to death. Who new loving someone could burn in such a beautifully painful way.
For the past week, ever since that night, Kyle had trouble sleeping. Staying awake just thinking about Stan. It's horrible. And Kyle hates himself for it. Why did he have to be born disgusting?
Kyle sometimes wishes he could kill these thoughts he has for his best friend. Erase them from his mind and have everything go back to normal. When Stan was just a friend to Kyle. No confusing thoughts or feelings. But his brain doesn't work like that. And his heart just had to go on and ruin their friendship. How selfish could he be? Stan doesn't deserve that, Kyle knows this. But nothing he does to stop his feelings work. So he just has to hide it. Forever.
Kyle can tell that people have noticed his decrease in mental being. He didn't think it was that noticeable but the dark circles under his eyes say otherwise. What did it for most people was the attitude change. Kyle had been so exhausted from trying to get over Stan that the spark he normally carries with him everywhere has extinguished.
Multiple people asked him if he's okay. Even Stan. Of course that's expected. Their best friends after all. But Stan just makes the pain worse. A reminding fact on how disgusting he is.
Those eyes. The eyes that look at him with so much concern makes him want to vomit. It twists something inside of Kyle that shouldn't be twisting. Especially over Stan.
He just wishes it was as easy as ignoring the boy. But it's not. He won't ignore Stan. Cutting Stan out of his life will destroy him. Kyle knows this. He can't hurt Stan like that. Even if it slowly kills Kyle inside bit by bit. He'll do anything to ensure Stan's happiness. The joy Stan feels is the most important thing to Kyle.
Stan is all that matters. He always was, and he always will be.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Stan is concerned. Ever since that night, Kyle has been more distant. It's not like Kyle's avoiding him. But the time they hang out has been decreasing.
Recently Kyle is always sporting eye bags on his face. Carrying himself around all slump like. His shoulders hunched up to reach his jaw. It's very un-Kyle of him.
Kyle was the confident one. Holding himself up tall and strong. Kyle is the one that people hide behind. He shouldn't be hiding from everyone else. Even himself.
Every-time Stan tries to talk to Kyle, the ginger makes an excuse to leave. It leaves Stan even more confused than he already was. All these feelings and emotions are filling him up. Stan's beginning to overflow. And he doesn't have anyone to talk to because the one person he would talk to is the reason he's confused.
It's not like Stan has never felt this over Kyle. He loves Kyle. But recently it's been confusing him more than he should. It was when he saw Craig and Tweek together and thought ‘huh I want that’ that really put him in a spiral.
Through all his confusion Stan still wants to be there for him. Kyle currently seems like he needs it. But his natural stubbornness always gets in the way.
The bell rings for break. 9 to 12th graders all leaving their classrooms to go fuck off to where ever they go for the 40 minutes between classes.
Stan is just out of physics, mind completely mush over the absolute shit the teacher just spewed for an hour and a half. He immediately forgets all that he had been taught the second that bell run. Mind going to Kyle. Like it normally does. Which is not gay. It's a very normal best-friend thing to do. Who doesn't think of their best-friend all of the time 24/7?
Kyle would be just out of maths, which is only three classes down from the one Stan just exited from. So Stan heads over to the redheads class, waiting for him at the entrance of the room.
The noirette almost doesn't catch him. With the mob of kids that spill through the door. But his eyes catch the others.
“Kyle!” He says. Walking over to his friend.
“Oh?! Uh.. Hi Stan!” Kyle said, a little flabbergasted. The blue-eyed boy just teleporting in front of him.
“Hey, I was just wondering if you wanna hide in the theatre room again for lunch?” Stan always loved when the two of them hung out there alone. The laughter that would fill the room was memorable.
“I can't today. I have a test I have to-” Kyle was cut off by someone bumping into him.
“Watch it fag!” Some bastard yelled, shoving Kyle out of the way. He stumbles towards Stan. Right into his arms.
“Fuck you. Worry more about your receding hairline you balding bitch!” Stan yelled back. Catching Kyle in his arms. It's not an uncommon occurrence in South Park, but every-time it happens it still pisses him off.
It's once the guy is completing out of his eye sight that Stan notices that Kyle is still in his arms.
“Are you okay dude?” He had asked. Grabbing a hold onto Kyles Shoulders.
“Fuck! Yeah, I'm fine, jesus." Kyle murdered, looking back in the direction the asshole had walked off into. Then he looked back towards Stan. And froze completely. That's when the ginger realised the position they were in.
“I- uh..” Kyle put his hands onto Stans, pulling his arms away from his shoulders.
“I better get to studying for that test!” Kyle then smiled slightly and walked away. Leaving Stan in an aneurysm.
Kyle was in his arms, and he liked it!? Oh god, oh no. The only thing Stan thought throughout that whole interaction was about how cute Kyle's face was. And how he wanted those hands touching him forever.
Well fuck. Shit fucking fuck shit. That wasn't normal. Stans not that stupid. Did Stan like kyle? Is that why he's feeling this way? A crush? Gay one at that. Was he really gay though? He still liked girls.
Through all of his pondering, Stan figured he needed help with figuring this out. And Kyle’s scratched off the list for obvious reasons.
He needs a gay professional to put their gay professional opinion on his gay ass feelings. And there are only two people who come to mind. Tweek and Craig.
Stan turns around and heads to the bleachers, where Craig and his gang normally hang out.
Craig's gang are, as he expected, intimidating. All five of them stopped whatever conversation they were having when he approached. Five sets of eyes looking at him. Stan felt like an animal at a zoo.
“H-hey Stan. You nor-normally don't hang here at lunch." Jimmy spoke for all of the gang's curiosity. They were all still staring at him. Stan began to feel a little judged.
“Oh, well, I came here for advice,” He replied.
“What advice?” Came Craigs deadpan voice. A slight lisp affecting his way of speaking from braces.
“Well Craig-” Stan looked directly into Craig's eyes. Trying to match his expressionless tone.
“I have some questions I want you to answer.” Stan made sure to empathise the ‘you’ part in his speech.
“Why just me?” Craig got an annoyed look on his face. Staring at Stan like he killed his guinea pig or something.
“This is a question I feel like you're an expert in, okay? Other people won't understand.” Stan looks around to the others while saying the last part. Excluding Tweek. Who's just looking at his boyfriend with a pointed look.
Craig let out the most annoyed sigh Stan has ever heard in his life.
“Ugh, fine.” Craig said while crossing his arms.
Stan then began ushering Craig to come with him, which he does, annoyed. But he's still following so Stan counts that as a win.
“I swear if you try to take another 100 bucks from me I will be so mad.” Craig states. Giving Stan a judged look.
“Oh my god, Craig that was one time.” Stan replied sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.
Craig and Stan were now just standing at some random tree. A few ways away from the bleachers.
“So. Ask away.” Craig got straight to the point. Ha, straight. Ironic because Craig's gay. Oh, wait. That's why Stan's here. Because he might be gay as fuck for his best-friend. Shit.
“So.. you're gay, yes?” Stan knew the question was stupid. Yet he still asked it anyway. Looking for an ice breaker.
“Take a wild fucking guess.” Craig looks like he's slowly regretting agreeing to talk. He's slightly twirling a matching necklace he has with Tweek between his fingers. A stim Stan has noticed he does.
“Well, I- I, um, was wondering how you, you know, found out?” Stan says under his tongue. Looking sheepish.
“Why do you ask?” Craig eyed him up. An ‘I know what you are’ look on his face.
“Well I sorta, maybe, possibly, could have a major gay crush on a boy.” Stan looked down in embarrassment. Hands covering his face.
“Oh fuck.”
“Yeah ‘oh fuck’ Craig. Am I gay? Cause I don't know. Like, I like girls, you know?” Stan was now pacing back and forth. Making very exaggerated hand movements.
“Well given the fact that you have a crush on a boy-” Craig pretends to think for a moment.
“I'd say you're pretty gay man. Plus, you could just be bi.”
“But Craig it's not just any boy, its ugh-”
“Kyle right?”
What.
“How the fuck did you know?!” Stan looks surprised, and a bit on the aggravated side. Was it that noticeable?
“You guys act like, totally gay. You always have. Me and Tweek were even threatened.”
“Dude what the fuck.” Stan just stood still in shock.
“I thought you guys were dating already. It was obvious you both liked each other.” Craig shugs. And being totally done with this conversation, he heads back towards the bleachers.
“Wait, both?” Stan asked, but Craig was already gone.
Welp. Stan could be bi? He never thought of the possibility before. He kinda put aside the fact that it could be an option. But it does make sense. Kinda.
Stan leans against the tree. Sliding down slowly.
“Shit.”
Craig heads back towards the gang. Taking a seat back beside his boyfriend.
“Well?” Tolkien's voice said from behind him.
“Clyde, you owe me 20 dollars.” He responded.