Cabin Blues
After having breakfast with his family, Tony was saddened to see that Ben declined the opportunity to join them. Instead, he took a plate full of food (adding more to it than he usually would) and took it upstairs to make sure Ben had something to eat. He knocks on the door once.
“Come in,” he hears Ben say faintly. If he had not been expecting him to be quiet Tony probably wouldn’t have listened hard enough to hear him at all. He opens the door slowly and sees him sitting with his knees up to his chest on the bed. His eyes are stained with old tears, and he looks more tired than he was in the morning. If that is possible. “Hi,” he says, voice quiet and vulnerable that it makes Tony sigh sadly. He places the food on the bedside table and ruffles his hair gently.
“Hey,” he says, in return. He sits beside Ben, and they stay like that in silence as Ben hesitantly takes some of the food like he is not sure he’s allowed to. Tony watches him from the corner of his eye. “Do you want some more?” he asks when the plate was empty, and Ben was done.
“No, thanks,” Ben says. He looks at his feet. “Sorry.”
Tony frowns. He adjusts himself slightly, sitting at a slight angle so he can see Ben's face. He shakes his head and grabs the tissues from the side when the tears start to fall again. “Hey, no- no, you don’t apologise. Why are you sorry?” he says, dabbing the tissue on his cheeks and getting rid of the wet spots. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“I don’t deserve to be here- you shouldn’t be looking after me like this,” he says. “I should go- this was a huge mistake.”
Tony huffed. “Well, I don’t think it was,” he said. He placed his hand on Ben’s knee and smiled as he relaxed into him even if he was scared and second-guessing himself. “Look, kid- I might not know you but I’ve known a lot of people like you. When I was a kid, I would say we were pretty alike.”
Tony laughed when Ben glared at him. Yeah, okay, Tony might’ve had a tad of a different upbringing with the massive mansions and the garages full of expensive cars… but he was lonely too. His father cared more for money and fame. He cared more about staying downstairs in the lab and nursing an old whisky. He never allowed Tony to hug him and he never said ‘I love you’.
He's not sure if his dad did love him. Jarvis told him that he always had but from the fact that he never heard it, Tony wasn’t inclined to agree. It’s why now that he had his kid, he wanted to be as open as possible. Once, a long time ago, he never thought that would be his reality.
Tony’s not saying he had it worse- or even that it was bad. But he understood Ben- slightly. He understood feeling like a burden and hated the fact that people tried to look after him. He understood that sometimes love was hard to get used to.
“Mainly the fact that you seem to be as stubborn as I was,” Tony said.
“Do you mean ‘stubborn as I am?’” Ben said, laughing when Tony’s jaw dropped in an exaggerated shock. He rolled his eyes and relaxed, which was Tony’s plan all along.
“How dare you!” Tony told him. “Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted… It’s hard to let people take care of you when you haven’t had that before. Even if you have, when it’s lost – it’s difficult to accept people want to give it back to you. Loss is hard to deal with as I imagine you know, but letting people go through it with you makes it a lot more tolerable. And, now, even if I didn’t know the people that you’re missing, I can ‘remember’ them with you if that helps. You could be their legacy and let them live on through you,” he tells him. “But if you think this isn’t going to make you feel better, I’ll put you up in a flat in Queens and I’ll let you deal with it how you’d like to. But I’d want you to know that I’ll always be here for you even if I don’t know you that well. I guess you just have that effect on people.”
Ben looks up at him and his stare is stuck for a while like there was a spell cast on him. He smiles softly, the edges of his mouth sticking up as he sees the fond look that Tony doesn’t realise he’s holding. He lets out a breath and looks to his side. “Thank you,” he speaks, softly. His hands are joined together. His thumb brushes the upper side of his hand as he keeps in the tears. Tony sees them trying to fall but he blinks them back. “What about you?” he says, turning his eyes back.
“Huh?”
“You said that you’re- uh- missing someone?”
Had Tony spoken to him about Peter before? He couldn’t remember. His mind had been scrambled recently and he couldn’t keep up with who he spoke to and what he said in the past what- two weeks? Or had it been longer?
“Peter?” he said, just to be sure. Ben nodded back at him. “It’s kind of different to what you’re going through, kid.”
“…Could you tell me about him?”
Tony smiled, looking to the floor. “I don’t know much about him, just that I loved him. If I am honest, Ben, I don’t know who he is- or where he is. I only just found out that he is real and not just a vivid hallucination. But he’s- he’s got curly hair, like you. Brown eyes too, I think. He’s sweet from what I can tell and he was a huge part of my family.” He then remembered what Ben had said when they spoke before. ‘He’s gone’ he had said. ‘There was no point looking for him’. Tony looked over and saw that Ben was watching him expectantly. “Did you know him?”
“Uh- of him, I guess. I went to a school near Midtown and our schools had matches sometimes. I probably saw him once. Last I heard he had run away… uh- but I don’t know! That could be rumours.”
“So there’s no way that you could get to him? Could find people that knew him personally?”
“Sorry, Mr Stark- I-“
Tony stopped, shaking his head. He felt like he had gone too far. “No, sorry- I got- hopeful. It’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it,” he told him. “I just miss him. Whenever I have these ‘dreams’ or ‘visions’, I can tell just how much I loved him. It’s like my heart knows and now… I had his journal and now it’s gone and I… I- sorry, kid- I’m just going to… go for a second,” Tony told him, before getting up and walking out of the door. He felt ashamed for he crying on the shoulder of a young kid who was already going through enough as it is.
He doesn’t look back as he steps down to the lab, taking a deep breath before anything escalated. He sat down on the sofa he kept in there and placed his head in his hands. He sniffled, feeling ridiculous because what did he have to be sad about? He had a beautiful family and riches nobody else could wish to see in generations nevermind a lifetime. He was being stupid- so, so stupid to think he had a reason to be upset when people like Ben were forced to live on the streets.
He tried to calm himself down to think rationally but now his brain was taking him places he knew he couldn’t get out of. He closed his eyes to enjoy the darkness. Sometimes seeing too much was overwhelming and he needed to get away to where there was nothing. He could pretend to be someone else if only for a few seconds. When he closed his eyes there was nothing.
Until there wasn’t.
Tony saw Peter sitting on a small, single, bed. It must’ve been somewhere else because Tony couldn’t place the room. Peter was sat with his head down as he glared at the floor, refusing to look up at Tony. He was breathing heavily. Tony noticed a carboard box by his feet. He tried to imagine what would be in there.
“Why are you mad at me?” The other Tony asked.
He saw Peter roll his eyes and if he wasn’t worried about why he looked so angry maybe he would’ve laughed at their similarities. “Why am I mad? You’re so- God! You’re so oblivious, Tony, it’s ridiculous.”
“I thought this was a nice thing to do! Do you know how many fifteen-year-olds learn to drive in their own Tesla?”
“It is a nice thing! It’s just-“
“Then why are you mad?!” Tony asked, clearly confused. Tony himself- present Tony (not to get confused) was also puzzled as to why the kid looked so mad he could chew someone’s head off.
“You don’t get it. Of course, you don’t,” Peter said. He put his head in his hair and groaned, pulling at the edges. Tony patted his hands away to stop him. He sat by Peter and took his hand, trying to get him not to hurt himself just because he was frustrated. “I don’t have money, Mr Stark.”
“I know… which is why I use mine to get you stuff you deserve.”
“But I don’t want it!” Peter said, “You don’t understand how guilty it makes me feel. I don’t care if you think I shouldn’t feel like that, I do. Money isn’t- it’s not something I can throw away like you can. I don’t like you using it on me because it’s not like I can return the favour.”
“I don’t want you to,” Tony said. He looked down at the box and fished out the car keys. He spun them around in his hand before curling his fingers around them. He watched them sadly. "I didn’t want you to return it. I just wanted to get you a nice present for your birthday.”
“What happened to a ticket to the movies? Or a box of chocolates?” Peter sighed. He placed his head on Tony’s shoulders and sighed. He winced as a ray of sunshine hit his eyes. From Tony’s point of view, it looked more like a halo. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate you trying, Mr Stark. It is nice of you to do this for me- but I can’t accept it. I’m not that type of person. I don’t need- or want- flashy things when we can’t even keep a roof over our heads. I can’t accept the Tesla.”
“You’re struggling with rent?” Tony asked.
“That’s not what I wanted you to get out of that speech,” Peter said with a soft and tired chuckle. Even though his eyes were fond, there was still anger in the way he clenched his fists and how he refused to look Tony in the eye. “It’s fine, we’ll get through it. I’ve started a job to help her out. Please don’t tell her.”
“Peter, you already have enough on your hands. If you want me to start paying for your internship, you could’ve asked,” Tony told him.
Tony moved slightly so his body was up against the headboard. Peter shifted too, grabbing his blanket and placing it around his shoulders. Weirdly, Tony thought back to the blanket Ben had near the port. The two were quite similar…
“I don’t want money from you, Tony. I don’t want hand-me-downs. I need to work for what I have. Otherwise, I feel like a fraud,” he explained, but it went right through both Tony’s heads- Tony from now wondering why he didn’t just transfer a few million into the kid’s bank without telling him.
“You work damn hard for it, bud. It’s not fraud for you to get some cash for what you do.”
“Please just try and look at it from my point of view,” Peter said. It looked as if was getting tired of the conversation. “You’ll never understand why I can’t accept these kinds of things, I know,” he said after Tony looked off into the distance and said nothing for a while as he tried to think. “But just respect me and don’t send me extravagant stuff when I ask you not to. Please.”
“…Okay.”
“Okay,” Peter nodded. He looked at the keys in Tony’s hands. “Thanks for thinking of me, though. Maybe you could give it to Happy instead. He’s been begging for one of these.”
“…Uh- I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It’s… personalised. To you. It has your name on it and-“
“…You’re so dramatic, Mr Stark.”
When Tony came to, he was on the floor and staring up at his ceiling. For the first time since these visions made him black out and feint, he was by himself. He took a deep breath and checked his watch to see how long this one took him out. Realising he had lost over two hours, he sighed. He took his prosthetic off as it began to hurt. Tucking it into a safe spot, he went upstairs to see Ben sitting with Happy and Morgan.
Ben was doodling on some paper with Morgan who looked enthralled with every movement the older boy did. She watched him in awe as he created a subpar drawing of Spider-Man carrying her across the city. To her, the drawing was comparable to the works of Van Gogh or Picasso. Tony could see it in her eyes. She thought that he was incredible. Tony was beginning to realise that too.
Just as he was about to join them, Happy stood up and directed him to the side.
“Does Pepper know about this?” he asked.
Tony paled. Oh. That’s probably something he should mention. He had completely forgotten to let his wife know about their guest and frankly it was a miracle she hadn’t run into him yet and freaked out. She could be a warrior- if she thought Ben was an intruder then all hell would break loose.
“Come on, man,” Happy said, with a short laugh and a playful shove of the shoulder. “Go and tell her. I’ll look after your kids.”
Tony tried not to focus on the ‘your kids’ comment too much but as he walked up to Pepper’s office, he found that it was all he was thinking of. He found his wife eventually not in her office but in their bedroom. She was looking through her closet, trying to find something to wear for the evening. If Tony remembered correctly, she had an event to go to (which Tony hadn’t been graced with an invite for).
She saw him and smiled, “Hey,” she said, leaning in to press a kiss onto his cheek.
“Before you find out differently, I have to tell you something,” Tony says to Pepper, without returning her hello. He took her hand and lead her outside onto their balcony. She let herself be led, forgetting about what to wear for now.
Pepper looked at Tony worriedly. “Is it something to do with Iron Man?” Tony shook his head and Pepper, if possible, was now even more confused. She sat down on the bench that they kept there and took a deep breath. Worried, she looked up at Tony with begging eyes as she awaited what he had to say. “Please don’t tell me you have a long-lost child somewhere- or that you have one coming.”
“What?!” Tony said, eyes wide. Why on earth would that be her first place to go? “No!” he said, shocked she’d even say that. He was a loyal man, thank you very much. Well, he was now- and ever since they got together. The same can’t be said for the man he was in his twenties and pre-Afghanistan. “I just – uh- there is a child involved but biologically he has nothing to do with me.”
“…Okay. But he has got something to do with you?”
“Yes.”
Pepper rolled her eyes, tired and waiting for him to just get on with it. “Which is?” she asked, glaring at Tony as he finally took a seat beside her. She looked mad but intrigued which – although it might sound like it- was not a good combination. Tony was pretty sure he could see the steam coming out of her ears.
“He might be sleeping in our spare room right now.”
“Tony!”
“What?! He was homeless and dripping wet from that storm last night- what was I supposed to do?”
Pepper looked at her husband with a roll of her eyes. She took his hand and squeezed it before pressing a kiss against his knuckles. Her strawberry blonde hair was lifted with a light breeze that escaped the tree’s hold. Tony thought she looked so beautiful that he forgot he did something wrong for a second.
“You’re the kindest man that I know, Tony. I just wish you at least called me first.”
“Sorry,” Tony said, sheepishly. He knew that he should have but something told him not to – he just had to get Ben home before doing anything else.
“It’s fine. Now let me meet the young man that’s staying in our house then.”
Pepper ended up cancelling her presence at the event after meeting Ben. Tony could tell as soon as he spoke that she had fallen as in love with him as Tony had. She doted on him and made him snacks to get his weight up when she noticed how fragile he looked. She brushed his hair out of his face and let him lay against her as they watched a film together. She looked at him like he was her child. Tony could tell they were not letting him go anywhere.
She took photos of Ben and Morgan sitting together. She looked at him like she knew him and Tony wondered … what if? What if this was Peter like Morgan had said? He fit in too well for someone they all barely knew. He had a similar look to the figure in his visions. But if he was Peter – and he knew Tony was looking for him – would he not say? Tony shook his head.
No, it couldn’t be. It wouldn’t be this easy.
Pepper took him aside as the other three try and find a film that they’d all like to watch. She looks behind her shoulder. “He’s weirdly familiar,” she says, and Tony nods in agreement. “…Could he be that boy your- “
“No,” Tony shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“But Tony-“
“No,” Tony interrupted. He looked down at his feet, kicking the emptiness around him as he focused on his breathing. He placed his hand over his heart and sighed as Pepper placed hers over it. She looked at him and pressed a kiss on the side of his lips. Tony placed his forehead against hers and sighed. “It’s not him. I don’t think-“
“You’re scared,” Pepper whispers. “You’re scared that if it is that you won’t remember him- that nothing will work. But you don’t need to be. Even if you don’t remember your past with him, there’s always a future you can make.”
Tony moves back and shakes his head. “It’s not him, Pepper,” he says, telling both her and himself for what felt like the fiftieth time that day. “Just- leave it, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, but Tony could tell she wasn’t going to. But for now, they could pretend everything was fine.
He watched from his armchair as Pepper played with his curls. He watched as Happy and him playfully bickered. They spoke in hushed whispers about May. He watched as Ben repressed his tears for the long-lost woman. He watched as Ben let Morgan climb over him. He watched as Morgan forced him to play ‘superheroes’. Ben didn’t look like he cared one bit.
He watched and realised Ben was a part of his family.
Looking at his phone as the house sat in silence, he refreshed his text messages with Spider-Man. Still, nothing happened. Spider-Man had gone silent since he took Peter’s journal and there was no sign of him. No sightings in Queens… Spider-Man had disappeared from everywhere. People had started to worry.
TONY 5:04 PM: Hey, kid. I’m trying not to worry now. I know you’ve got his journal but if you just tell me why I won’t be mad. I just want to know.
TONY 5:06 PM: I hope you’re okay.
Tony narrowed his eyes once he heard Ben’s phone buzz as soon as he sent the messages. Ben looked at his phone and then at Tony and quickly pocketed it. Tony couldn’t help but find it suspicious. Was there more to the sweet exterior Ben had? Was he someone else behind the kind eyes and the tears? Tony started to feel a worry in his stomach but he repressed it. It was just his mind playing tricks on him.
Tony decided to do some chores as everyone else went to play outside under the evening sun. He goes to the spare bedroom where Ben has been sleeping. From the bedroom window, he can see Morgan and him playing with some of her old toys. He smiles, gently and feels at peace. Morgan’s laughing and Ben looks like a different person entirely. He’s not as tense or scared. His shoulders are relaxed and there’s this smile on his face that’s so incredibly bright Tony could only compare it to the sun.
He does a bit of cleaning in the room. He changes the sheets and the duvet cover to Iron Man sheets. It’s a joke that he chuckles over but he also thinks Ben might like them. He fluffs up the pillows like Jarvis used to do for him. He hopes that Ben will stay forever because even though he knows there’s someone out there who's missing – Peter – it feels like Ben was meant to be with them. So, when they find Peter, it’s just another good thing.
Tony’s not giving up on Peter or replacing him with Ben, he’s just expanding his heart to let someone else in.
He looks down at the floor and sees Ben’s old backpack. Some of the stuff has fallen out after it was dropped there. Tony bends down to pick it up. But when he peeks inside… he sees something… weird.
Inside is a familiar book with Midtown Tech’s logo on the front of it. Tony narrows his eyes as he picks it up. His heart drops when he sees ‘Peter Parker’ written on the front of it. The same journal he had been looking for-the one Spider-Man, who hadn’t gotten back to him yet, had stolen the last time that he was here… Ben had it all along. He had it when Tony had complained to him about it being missing and he said nothing. He just stared at him.
He was so focused on that journal that he doesn’t see the red suit or the web shooters underneath it.
He stares down at the book with his heart in his stomach. He’s not sure what to think.
The door opens and Ben rushes in. His breathing is fast. He had probably just run up the stairs. Tony turns around and the journal sits obviously in his hand. “Mr Stark, Pepper said she’s going to put on a mov…” Ben starts to say. Tony watches as he sees the journal in his hand. His smile immediately drops. His eyes widen. Tony can see his hands start to shake. “…I can explain, I swear!”
…
“Well, you better start then.”