Come Home
Tony wasn’t surprised that Spider-Man decided not to stay over that evening. Yawning, he stretched out his arms and sighed as he stepped into the cold air. He shivered, wrapping an old dressing grown around his shoulders as he went to go downstairs. Weirdly, however, something in the spare room was calling out to him. Changing his route, he found himself sitting on the bed with no reason to be there.
Going in the draw to see if anything had magically changed with the journal, Tony was concerned to see that it wasn’t there. He checked underneath the bed where he originally had found it. Then he checked the desk and the wardrobe, even underneath the covers that he freshly changed the other day just in case Peter ever came back. He checked on top of the wardrobe and in the other draws but it was still nowhere to be seen.
Tony was frustrated. That journal was his only clue. Although there was nothing in it, Tony liked to look at it now and then. Not only was it the first and only clue he found, but it was also his only connection to this Peter. He felt so much love for him in his heart and those visions and therefore cherished the book even if consisted of only blank pages.
He groaned, pushing the chair over out of anger. It was only then he saw the webs covering the floor. Had Spider-Man come in here? Was it a stretch to accuse him of stealing the journal too or was Tony creating accusations out of nowhere? It did make sense if he was the last one in here, but apart from helping Tony locate Peter- what did he get out of taking the journal? There was nothing in there that was useful for him. Tony felt a wave of anger. But he didn’t know who it was for.
Was it for Spider-Man for taking the only thing Tony had that Peter had owned? Or was it for himself for forgetting Peter in the first place?
Tony shook his head as tears pooled in his eyes. He didn’t know why he was getting upset over the paper. But it was his- it was Peter’s. Peter was Tony’s once, he knew that. Losing this journal was like losing Peter again. Even if Tony didn’t know who Peter was or what he looked like, the pain was deliberating and the anger quickly directed itself towards Spider-Man.
Tony was itching to get in the suit and find him. He wanted to ask him why he’d take it and what he got from it. He had to control his breathing and clear his head before he did anything stupid. There had to be a reason. There had to be something.
He decides to text Spider-Man.
TONY 6:54 AM: You’ve got something of mine.
Tony checks his phone out throughout the day. He gets no texts.
Days pass and there’s still nothing.
Tony decides that he’d go and find Spider-Man and Peter’s journal instead of waiting for them to come to him. It’s late, approximately 10 PM, when Tony leaves the cabin and drives to Queens. The rain is harsh against the car’s windows, but he doesn’t care. He finds a place to park and exits his car with only a thin coat on to keep him safe from the weather.
He looks up at the tallest buildings, knowing from his research that it’s where Spider-Man likes to hang out. He sees nothing. People walk past him, covering themselves from the rain. Spider-Man is still nowhere to be seen.
Walking around with no success, Tony felt his chest start to close in. His breathing was too fast and his heart matched its speed. He knew what these symptoms meant and suddenly he was arched over on the ground and clutching at his heart to try and calm himself down. But it was to no avail. He grabbed his hair and pulled in an attempt to distract himself but nothing worked. All he could think of was that he was never going to fix this. He was never going to get Peter back and he’d have to live with the aching feeling for the rest of his life.
He wondered how Peter must be feeling. Peter would be completely alone. Nobody remembered him. Not Tony, not even Pepper or Morgan. Dr Strange had no clue either. Did Peter’s family still know him? Tony hoped so. Knowing he was so young, Tony had to take his mind off it otherwise he’d be stuck here for weeks crying and hurting for someone for all he knows could be dead.
He didn’t know where he had ended up but he could see some lights in the distance. He could hear laughter from somewhere. He felt whatever was in front of him and found a tough, brick, wall. He looked ahead of him and saw boats and crates. He found himself at the edge of Queen’s shipping port, barely covering himself from the rain underneath a small makeshift roof. Looking down he saw a blanket. Was someone living here? Spider-Man had been seen here before- but it was the other red-covered superhero Daredevil that prefered the ports, according to Tony’s research.
Tony felt someone walk behind him. He got up and pointed his prosthetic at their face- which was armed with all kinds of weapons they cannot see. When he sees big brown eyes staring back at him, he recognises it as Spider-Man’s photographer- Ben. Tony lowers his arm. Ben responds by kneeling beside him and letting his hand rest on Tony’s hand. He takes some deep breaths, reminding Tony to do the same. Instead of fighting back, Tony watches and manages to regulate his breathing by copying Ben.
How this kid managed to get him through his panic attack so efficiently caused Tony to be silent in shock.
“Mr Stark?” Ben whispers. He’s soaked through and looks cold enough to freeze. His lips are blue and his cheeks are a bright red. The once-fluffy curls are stuck to the sides of his face. His t-shirt is stuck to him which lets Tony see how skinny he is. Tony’s panic for himself shifts. What was he even doing out here at this time of night? Tony checked his watch as Ben stared at him. It was almost midnight. “Are you okay?” he asks because Tony hadn’t replied in a while.
Tony takes a minute to answer when he feels like he won’t throw up by opening his mouth. He rests his back against the wall he had sat by, letting his eyes close so he didn’t have to see whatever Ben was feeling. Tony felt weak. Panic attacks always had that effect on him ever since the first one he ever had.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. He sits up a bit and pats the space next to him. Ben takes it as an order and shuffles over until he’s sat with his knees up beside Tony. Tony looks over at him and frowns. He puts his arm around the kid, and even he’s not sure why and lets his eyes shut as Ben’s head rests on his shoulder. It should feel weird but it feels right. “Are you?” he asks quietly as he watches raindrops hit the front of their shoes which are side by side.
“No,” Ben says. “But I guess I’ll find out what it means to be okay one day.”
Tony looks at him, squeezes his shoulder and takes a deep breath. He takes his coat off and places it around his shoulders. Ben tries to shrug it off but Tony pulls it around him tighter. “You need it,” he says. Ben moves his head and looks forward at Tony. Tears are streaming down his face that Tony only just noticed. He wipes Ben’s tears with his sleeve but too many come for him to keep up. “You’re so strong.”
Ben winces as he shakes his head. He collapses back into Tony’s side as his whole body is rocked with sobs. “No, I’m not,” he cries. “I can’t do any of this anymore, Tony,” he admits. He sniffles and Tony wants to grab him and curl him into his arms and rock him to sleep. He wonders if he could sneak him home without Pepper realising. “This is my home,” he says, slowly looking around them. Tony notices he’s got an old backpack around his shoulders and the blanket underneath them must be his comfort. “I’m so hungry and cold and I just want my family back.”
“What happened to them, honey?”
“They’re all gone,” Ben says. “And the ones who are alive don’t know who I am.”
“They never knew of you at all?” Tony asks, trying to forget that Ben admitted he didn’t want to be alive and the fact that out of everywhere in Queens he found his way to Ben’s ‘home’. The boy who helped him with no selfish interests had been living on the streets and Tony hadn’t even noticed. It didn’t matter that he only met him once. He should’ve helped there and then. He holds Ben’s hand and wonders if it’s always been this cold.
“No,” Ben explains. He can’t look Tony in the eye as he says it.
Tony looks down at him and he forgets why he even left home in the first place. “You’re coming home with me,” he tells him. When Ben’s sobs get louder and he’s shaking his head back and forth, Tony holds him tighter. “I’ll take care of you until we can get you back on your feet. I don’t mind, kid, honestly. Please. Come back home. I mean- come home- you can call it that. If you want. I want you to be as comfortable and safe as you can.”
Back? Tony wasn’t sure why he told Ben to come back. He had never been at the cabin before- probably never knew Tony had one. But Tony’s brain told him that Ben was home now and the words had left his mouth before he was aware of what he was thinking.
Ben blinks up at him. The resolve he sees in his eyes slowly leaves. “Y-yeah- okay,” he nods, but he doesn’t sound like he’s sure of it. He lets Tony carry him, obviously too exhausted and hungry to move. Tony sits him in the front seat and before he drives he tells himself that this was the best news this week.
When they both got home, Pepper and Morgan were asleep on the couch as they waited for Tony to join them for movie night. He had forgotten that it was that evening. He hadn’t gone in the two weeks. Tony was worried he was becoming too much like his own father but when their family was whole and Peter was back- he’d be normal again. It was a necessary ‘evil’ to make everything okay now.
Family was Tony’s idea of ‘being okay’, and he found it a long time ago. But he lost it.
Trying to get the pain out of his mind to focus on Ben (who needed him right now), Tony takes him up to the spare bedroom that must’ve once belonged to Peter. They walk in and Ben walks with shaking hands. Tony pretends not to notice. He puts his hands on the windowsill and takes a second to just look at the view. He stares. Tony’s not sure if he even blinks once. With nothing but the backpack he had on his back, Ben looked as if this was all he ever needed. For the first time since they had met, it looked like he was on his path to becoming okay.
Tony goes and gets changed out of the wet clothes he was in. By the time he’s back, Ben’s still at the window. Tony walking in makes him jump and finally gets him out of whatever trance he was in. Tony walks behind him and sits on the bed. He watches Ben as he steps around the bedroom with small steps as water drips behind him.
As Spider-Man had, Tony noticed it looked like he knew the place. He placed his backpack by the wall and opened the door to the jack-and-jill bathroom that conjoined with Morgan’s bedroom. He washed his hands and face and knew where the bathroom towel was to dry it afterwards. He walked back in and got some spare clothes out of the wardrobe, clothes Tony never remembered were there, and slipped away to get changed.
Tony didn’t know how to feel. He wasn’t sure if this should be suspicious, but all he could think of now was that Ben was safe. He didn’t look too much into it. He supposed that it must be easy to figure out where things were, most houses had similar ways of presenting their stuff. Clothes often were in wardrobes so it wasn’t that out of the blue that Ben would know to look there.
Once they were both dry and changed, Ben sat on the bed and looked up at Tony. His lip still quivered and Tony couldn’t help but sit beside him, putting his arm around him again. Ben cuddled up to him like they knew each other and a treacherous part of Tony’s mind thought… what it?
Did it make sense? Tony didn’t think so. He was looking for the answer to something that wasn’t there, right? It was the first kid that walked into his life that had a spec of what Peter was in his memories. It was way too good to be true.
Ben couldn’t be the person he was looking for though. Peter had fluffier curls and his smile was brighter. Though small, Ben was lankier and thinner than Peter. His eyes were not as wide and he looked older. He made this distinction before between the two but right now it felt more real than it ever had. Every time he looked at him he felt the urge to look after him and that was the same for Peter.
“Are you … okay?” Ben whispered. Tony wondered if he trusted his voice to speak normally. Tony had been like that before. He couldn’t trust his speech himself sometimes. He got it. “You’re looking at me… uh – weirdly. I guess.”
“Sorry,” Tony said. He squeezed his shoulder gently before removing his arm. He adjusted the t-shirt Ben had after it had pulled up. He wanted to dote on him like he would Morgan. It felt like he was another one of his kids- but where that feeling came from made Tony’s stomach churn. Every moment of every day recently had been confusing. “You remind me of someone I used to know.”
“…Mr Stark – I have to tell you something.”
Tony waited but as Ben went to open his mouth, the door burst open and Happy stood there. He was out of breath. Tony looked at him with a raised eyebrow and watched as Happy’s face went from concern to confusion and then to… recognition? “I thought we were getting robbed,” he said, red in the face as though he had gone on a run.
Tony chuckled and smiled fondly. “Thanks for always being there for us, Hap,” he said. Looking at Ben, he saw his eyes welling up with tears again. He was watching Happy with wonder and love but also as if he was a long-lost ghost. “This is Ben. He’s going to stay with us for a while.”
Happy narrowed his eyes. “I know you.” Ben’s eyes widened. But he looked hopeful, worried and scared. He waited for Happy to continue. “I saw you at May’s grave,” he said next, and Ben’s hope immediately left and his eyes were sad once more. He nodded nonetheless. Tony didn’t remember much of May but he knew of her and had seen her before. He couldn’t remember why.
What was her last name again?
“Y-Yeah,” Ben replied.
“You knew her through Spider-Man, right?” Happy asked and smiled sadly when he nodded his head. “Us too. She was a great person.”
“Uh- yeah,” Ben nodded. He sniffed and hid his face with his sleeve to hide what were obvious tears. “She was… brilliant. She did everything for everyone and never expected anything in return. Everyone- and I- loved her. I miss her.”
“Me too,” Happy says, sadly.
Happy looks at them and Tony thinks he should be more concerned about why he had picked up a kid off the street. Without thinking it through and wondering if this was a bad idea, he smiled fondly and walked off after shutting the door behind him. Ben watched him go and his eyes lingered for a second until his focus returned towards Tony.
“Thank you,” Ben whispered.
“You’re welcome,” Tony said.
Before they could speak more and Tony could tell him everything was okay.. Ben had fallen asleep with his head on Tony’s shoulder. With someone like Ben asleep like this… Tony couldn’t exactly move, could he? He grabbed a blanket and gently placed it other both of them and let his eyes shut.
“Are you going to stay awake?” Tony heard himself ask.
Peter was in his arms as the two of them led downstairs on the sofa. Peter’s curls were on his lap as his legs hovered over the arm. His arms were crossed over his chest and Tony could barely see his eyes roll through a dark cloud obscuring his face.
“Yeah, I will,” Peter said, huffing. “It’s only an hour and a half film.”
“Hm,” Tony mumbled.
His hand was in Peter’s hair as he smiled. The warmth in his stomach made him feel great. Sometimes, when he’s feeling down, he wonders if he could stay in this world like this. If he could stay with Peter. Living in these memories… he’d never be sad. But it was impossible to live without Morgan and Pepper too.
“Let’s see if that makes a difference. You couldn’t stay up during that twenty-minute TV episode last night,” Tony said to him, poking him when he wasn’t paying any more attention.
“Because it was boring!” Peter said. “This film is good. Or- well- Ned said it was and I trust him.”
“Oh, because Ned Leeds said it was good then it must be,” Tony laughed. He hadn’t remembered ever laughing that loud or free. He felt like a different version of himself when Peter was around. Like he was with Pepper, Morgan, Rhodey and Happy. The Avengers too, at times. Peter made him feel carefree. That feeling was terrible to lose. “Stop pouting at me and press play before you fall asleep.”
Wait.
Who was Ned Leeds? Was it a friend of Peter’s? Tony told himself to remember that name. It could be a clue that would lead him to his Peter. To find his… well, would the best word be for it? Son?
Peter ended up falling asleep in his arms and Tony was struck by how he looked down at him. His hand wrapped in his curls and a fond smile covering his face, he looked so in love. What was weird- however- was that these memories would always end whenever something ‘critical’ stopped or if they were no longer together. Yet, he was still here. Tony waited to see if something else would happen.
“I love you, kid,” Tony said. He turned the TV off and asked Friday to switch the lights off. He then fell asleep. The memory still didn’t end. Tony watched and waited to see if he’d wake up and go back to his real life but then this Peter started to move.
Little hands reached up and touched Peter’s. When Peter opened his eyes to Morgan staring at him, Tony expected him to be annoyed that she (who looked even younger in this memory) woke him up, but instead his eyes lit up. He wiggled out of Tony’s arms and moved over to the armchair. Morgan jumped onto his lap.
“Shh, Morgana,” Peter whispered, putting his finger on his lips. She copied and did the same. “Daddy’s sleeping so we’ve got to be super quiet, okay?” Her little head nodded enthusiastically. “What are you doing awake? It’s bedtime.”
“I was scared. Had a nightmare,” she said, pouting. “And I know that Petey will always protect me.”
“Of course,” Peter said. “Well, let's go back to bed, huh? I’ll make sure no bad dreams get in your head. I’ll be there to cover you,” he told her. He picked her up and slotted her onto his shoulders. She held on, using his curls like a steering wheel as he went up to her room.
Tony realised that his love for Peter was not his own. Peter was his family. His daughter loved him like a big brother. He was sure Pepper would love him like a son too.
Tony jumped when he was woken up by a scream. His daughter’s. Ben wasn’t in the room. He was standing in the corridor with Morgan’s hands wrapped around his leg as he stood by an open window with his backpack on. Had he been about to leave? Something like cold feet. “Petey- it’s you!”
Tony walked up to them- concerned about two things.
1: How long had Morgan known about Peter?
2: Why did she think Ben was Peter?
She held onto him as she had with Spider-Man. It might not seem like it to most, but his daughter was shy towards people she didn’t know. Taught to be wary of the limelight, she tried her best to stay as close to her dad. So when she hugged Spider-Man, he assumed it was because he saved her and she ‘knew’ him through the TV. He was her favourite as much as Tony tried to convince her otherwise (Iron Man should be better, but he was playing a losing game). But now she was acting the same as Ben. So it was either that she was right and this was someone familiar to them all or she was getting more comfortable.
Tony hoped it was the first option but he knew in his heart that it wasn’t. Ben wasn’t Peter and Peter was still not here. It wouldn’t be that easy.
“That’s not Peter- Morgan… How do you know about him?”
“I see him in my dreams every night, daddy!” She exclaimed like it was obvious. She finally let go of Ben’s leg and looked up at him as she tilted her head. “Well, I think it’s Petey. I can never see his face properly and I can’t remember where we know him from but I love him! He’s my big brother!”
“Excuse me,” Ben said, rushing back into the bedroom and closing the door behind him. He looked so upset that Tony felt guilty. He didn’t want to remind Ben that he had no one, but Morgan insinuating he was their missing piece could’ve hurt him. Tony hears the door lock and sighs.
“Look, Morgan,” Tony said, kneeling beside her. Her placed his hands on her shoulders and smiled. “It’s very nice that you love Petey- but he’s not here. That young boy’s name is Ben, okay? His family are not here anymore so he got a bit upset that you called him your big brother.”
“But he is!”
“Morgan,” Tony said, sternly. “Look at me,” he said. She did, her eyes wet with tears. Tony shivered, trying not to break down at that little face. She looked so sad. Tony took her into a hug and stood up, spinning her around as she loved it so much. He littered her face with brief kisses. “I love you, sweetheart. It’s so nice that you give him lots of hugs and that you think he’s Petey- but he’s not honey and you saying it makes him feel sad. So, we don’t mention it around him, okay?”
Morgan sighed. “Okay, daddy.”
Because he was right. Things didn’t work out this quickly. Ben wasn’t Peter…
Dr Strange said that he’d know who his missing link was as they spent more time together. If they could. His ‘visions’ would increase and he’d feel it. His memories wouldn’t flood back but he’d know and then he could tell Strange and all of it would be put back together again.
Even if he did want to always hug Ben, or keep him safe, that didn’t mean he was Peter. Tony was reflecting his loss onto the kid and it wasn’t fair. Ben couldn’t be Peter. First of all, his name was Ben- he’d said so himself. He was the only person that had any recognition for him- but that must be a coincidence. Maybe only Peter’s loved ones lost their memories of him. Secondly, life wasn’t this giving. Peter wouldn’t fall right into him. It would never be that easy.
He'd have to just keep searching.