Loki tapped the bar, signaling for another drink. His face was slumped against his hand, his elbow propped up on the counter. He watched the alcohol begin to fill the cup as the bartender poured. As he was about to walk away, Loki muttered, “Leave the bottle.” His words slurred together. The bartender, whose name tag read, ‘Matt’, gave him a worried glance. But he did what the drunken man asked. He walked back to the end of the bar, cleaning the insides of glasses with a rag.
“What was it?” Matt asked, Loki glancing in his direction lazily, “Girlfriend? Get laid off?” Matt studied Loki’s black suit, assuming the guy looked like a business man of some sorts.
“No,” Loki tried to laugh, but it didn’t quite sound right. He twisted the glass on the surface on the bar with his hand. “My dad died.” He answered slowly. He brought the glass up, looking at its contents, then brought his head back and finished it in one quick swig.
“Oh,” Matt ducked his head, “I’m sorry for your loss, man.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Loki slurred, he swayed a little on the bar stool, “He was an asshole, anyways.” He started in on the bottle, not caring enough to pour it into the glass. Matt gave him a worried look, but ultimately decided it wasn’t any of his business, everyone deserves to drown their own sorrows.
Loki continued on the bottle, it didn’t really taste like anything. This Migardian booze really wasn’t hitting like he wanted it too. He wanted to be completely plastered by now, he had been drinking all night and morning. But he really only had a solid buzz, he might even be a little drunk. But it wasn’t enough. He took a swig from the bottle, tilting his head back as he did. The bell from the door behind him chimed, but he didn’t bother looking over his shoulder.
“What can I get you?” Matt smiled, his hands on the bar as the woman approached.
“Oh, I’ll just take one drunk to go.” She leaned on the bar, turning towards Loki who glared in her direction. He rolled his eyes, continuing to chug the rest of the liquor. “How did I know I’d find you here?” She basically sang.
“Educated guess.” Loki shrugged.
“Come on, Loki.” She crossed her arms, “We’re going to be late.”
“I’m not going.” He informed her, it was her turn to roll her eyes.
“Yes, you are. I don’t care if I have to drag you there.” Loki huffed, finishing the rest of the bottle. He slipped his hand into his jacket pocket, pulling out whatever cash he had. He sat it on the counter, and given Matt’s expression, he must have left a pretty big tip. Loki turned around on his stool, now eye level with his sister, who remained standing.
“Why should I go?” He asked, Hela scoffed.
“Because you’re going to regret it if you don’t.” She informed him, Loki looked elsewhere in the bar.
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I do. Because I know you.” She tugged at his jacket, aligning it. “You missed mum’s, you really plan on missing dad’s too?” Loki swatted her hands away, standing up, creating a large height difference between them.
“I didn’t miss mum’s on purpose, and you know that.” He hissed, as he walked towards the door. She followed, obviously. “It’s kind of hard to attend a funeral when you’re rotting in the dungeons.” He mumbled as he was greeted by obnoxious sunlight. His eyes stung, and he stumbled out onto the sidewalk, suddenly realizing that he may have been a little more drunk than he originally thought. Hela gripped his elbow keeping him steady as they walked, he tried to wiggle out of her grasp, but she never let up.
“Exactly. You had a reason then, what’s your excuse now?” She pulled her sunglasses out of her purse and held them out for Loki to take. He reluctantly did so, with a long drawn out sigh.
“That he was an asshole.” Loki scoffed, “I feel like that’s a pretty decent excuse.”
“You’re going to regret it, Loki.” She repeated again. Loki clenched his fists at his sides. He really didn’t feel like being lectured today. “Not because you missed your own father’s funeral, but because you weren’t there for Thor.” Loki tensed further, not because he was annoyed, but because he knew she was right.
He bit down on his tongue, “He doesn’t need me. He’s got all of his stupid friends- Who! All want me dead, by the way.” Loki argued, letting Hela guide him down the sidewalk. His head was pounding too much to care where she was taking him.
“Lame excuse, Loki.” She said under her breath, he rolled his eyes, which of course were shielded by his sister’s dark sunglasses.
They stopped walking, and he noticed they were standing on the edge of the sidewalk, Hela raised her arm out, then turned back to Loki.
“He needs you, and you know it.” Was all she said as the taxi pulled up to the sidewalk. He huffed, opening the door for her, and then sliding in alongside her.
***
Loki let his head rest against the window as they drove. The coolness from the glass felt nice in comparison to his headache.
Hela finished her lipstick, holding a tiny mirror in her palm. She rubbed her lips together one last time, putting both objects back into her purse. She snapped her fingers at Loki.
“Give me my glasses.” She ordered, as the car began to slow.
“No,” Loki swatted her hands away as she began to reach for them.
“You look hammered, Loki.” She huffed.
“I looked hammered without the glasses too.” He didn’t have to look at her to know she was rolling her eyes. “Besides, this stupid thing is outside anyways, they’re for the sun.” He said in his know-it-all voice. Hela rolled her eyes one last time as Loki got out of the car. He stood there a second, his hands in his pockets, he still had plenty of time to get back in the vehicle and tell the driver to step on it. He huffed, Hela would probably stab him in the neck if he even tried.
Loki released his breath in a dreadful and dramatic manner, his shoulders slumping as he walked around the car. He opened Hela’s door, giving her his hand as she stood. She paid the driver, then wrapped her arm around Loki’s elbow and basically dragged him towards the crowd.
They had driven out of the city, Loki really didn’t know where they were, but it was somewhere in the woods. There was a nice big building, the porch decorated with lanterns and lights that hadn’t been lit yet. They were surrounded by large tall pine trees, a lake a little ways away. That’s where all of the chairs and what looked to be the casket were set up. Most of the people there were already sitting, but some still conjugated in small groups, having conversations.
Hela more or less yanked Loki through the crowd. Loki tried his best keeping his head low, but there was no ignoring the sudden stopping of voices that quickly turned into whispers as he passed. Or how people’s eyes followed him as they squeezed their way through the crowd. As they got to the seating, Loki reached for a chair in the very back row.
“Nope,” Hela said, yanking him forward.
“Oh, come on!” She pulled him down the aisle to the very front row, where Thor was already seated. His superhero friends in the row behind him. Loki didn’t much like the idea of having his back turned to the people he tried to enslave and kill, he suspected they still had mixed feelings about all that.
Thor turned towards the commotion, his face lighting up initially. Loki jerked his arm away from Hela.
“Will you- Stop touching me, norns, your hands are like ice.” He hissed, walking in front of Thor to take a seat beside him.
“Well, you should be used to that.” Hela gave a fake smile. Loki plopped down in his seat, “Oh, fuck you.” He scoffed, unbuttoning his suit jacket.
“Norns, Loki,” Thor cringed, “You smell like a bar,”
“Yeah, I picked him up off the floor.” Hela chimed.
“Oh, you did not!” Thor put a hand to Loki’s chest as he started to lean over to yell at Hela.
“Hey, will you-” Thor tried lowering his voice once he saw the amount of eyes currently shooting their way. “Will you knock it off, and behave?”
“She started it!” Loki knocked Thor’s hand off, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back into his chair with a huff, “You always blame me for everything.” He mumbled. He could hear the stifled laughter of his brother’s friends from behind. Loki would find it almost humorous, given that nothing has changed. He’s still pushed to the side by his brother, and mocked by his friends, just like when they were kids.
Loki was distracted, so he wasn’t able to stop Thor from reaching up and swiping Hela’s glasses off of his face. “Hey, come on,” Loki whined. He quickly closed his eyes as they began to sting. His elbows dug into his knees, as he held his head in his hands, his fingers rubbing his eyes.
“Norns, Loki, how much did you drink?” Thor poked his brother’s arm, trying to get his attention.
“Not nearly enough.” Loki mumbled into his hands.
“He was drowning his guilt.” Hela chimed in, Loki groaned sitting back.
“Why do you always feel the need to give your opinion?” Loki asked with a straight face, turning to look at his sister. “If you didn’t know, no one fucking gives a shit.”
Hela scoffed, crossing her arms as she looked elsewhere. “You are such an asshole.”
“Yeah, well, you practically raised me, so what did you expect?” Loki pulled at his pants leg, constantly readjusting and switching positions.
“Are you two going to do this the entire time?” Thor hissed.
“No,” Hela answered shamefully.
“Probably.” Loki shrugged.
Thor pinched the bridge of his nose, “Why did you even come?” He said through his teeth, directed towards his brother beside.
“Trust me, I wasn’t planning on it. Blame her- She dragged me here.” He pointed a stern figure at Hela.
“It’s our father’s funeral for nornsake! Can you not get your head out of your ass for one hour!” As she stood out of anger, she looked at the crowd of faces all turned towards her. That’s when she realized it had gone almost completely silent, the sound of the breeze against the water and the leaves falling from the trees was all that could be heard. She pulled the back of her skirt down as she sat with a huff. She crossed her legs, turning her chin the other way to avoid looking at her annoying little brother.
Thor glared at Loki.
“Wha-” Loki scoffed, “She’s the one who yelled- Why are you looking at me?” Thor just sharpened his glare, “Oh, this is ridiculous,” Loki huffed, crossing his arms as he sank in his chair.
The funeral started not long after. Loki didn’t see the point of all of this, he wanted to offer just to light the man on fire and get it all over with, but he knew Thor would probably protest. He didn’t think their old man deserved a service, especially of this grandeur. There were rows of people, and even more left standing. They had to all be friends or colleagues of Thor’s, which Loki couldn’t even begin to comprehend. How could you go to a total stranger's funeral? The guy was Loki’s father and he sure as hell didn’t want to be there.
Maybe that’s why he didn’t get it…
None of these people actually knew him- None of them had to endure dinners, holidays, lectures, and scoldings- Every waking moment with the man.
They never had to be on the receiving end of a disappointed lecture, or a swift backhand.
Loki shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He had drowned out most of what the man at the podium was saying. But suddenly he felt an elbow to his arm. He blinked, looking at Thor who had seemingly just sat down. Loki looked up at the podium, which was now empty. Oh- Thor had been talking. Loki looked back to his brother, who was staring at him now.
“What?” Loki asked in a hushed voice.
“It’s your turn.” Thor answered, nudging his arm again, pushing for him to stand up. Loki hit his hand away.
“My turn for what?”
“To talk- To speak.”
“What? No- Absolutely not-”
“Loki, come on,” Loki finally stared back at the older God. Thor’s eyes were rimmed with tears, it was clear that he had been crying this entire time, and most definitely during his speech. Loki glanced at the podium again, he could already feel his knees giving out and he wasn’t even standing yet.
“Fine,” He mumbled, Thor almost couldn’t even hear him. Loki pulled at his pants legs before he stood, wiping his already sweaty hands on the fabric. He buttoned his jacket as he stepped up to the podium. He finally faced the crowd, there were definitely more people here then he had previously thought. Or maybe it just seemed like a lot because of how nervous he was.
He knew he shouldn’t be- He had given speeches before in front of thousands more- with audiences of Kings and Queens, courts and the masses. He took a deep breath, but it was all caught in his throat. He stared down at the wood of the podium. He really wished he would have paid attention- What did Hela say? What did Thor say? He could have just said the exact same thing- Norns, what is he supposed to say?
“Loki,” He heard a soft whisper, Loki looked at Thor who was staring back worriedly.
“Right…Right…” Loki mumbled, the microphone barely picking his voice up. He tapped the surface of the podium with his long thin fingers. He blew a raspberry, before leaning on the podium, past the microphone and towards Thor, “What the hell am I supposed to say?” He hissed.
“Just-” Thor huffed, “Talk about dad! What- You liked about him- What you’ll miss.” He whispered.
Loki nodded, leaning back up. “What can I say about dad?” He thought out loud, Thor was already cringing, biting down on his knuckle, he shouldn’t have pushed him up there. “Well, he was a bit of an asshole.”
“Loki-” Thor hissed, as Hela slapped her forehead.
“He…”
“Oh my- He’s still going.” Hela said, mortified.
“He was the perfect example for everything you wouldn’t want to be-”
“Loki!” Thor growled under his breath.
“Well, I don’t know what you want from me, Thor! He was a horrible father- A bad king- And a terrible husband.” Loki threw his hands up, but let them fall back down to the surface of the podium. “But- In the end, I guess he showed me everything I didn’t want to be- So for that I'm grateful.” He said, his voice soaked with sarcasm, “Rest in peace, dad.”
Once Loki took his seat, he could practically feel the sparks jumping off of Thor. There was no need to look over, Loki knew Thor was probably holding a fist so tight his fingers were bound to break.
Once it finally concluded, Loki was the first one out of his seat. If he was going to get his ass kicked by Thor, he had to have at least a few drinks in his system. The drinks from this morning had already worn off. He searched the house for a bar, he assumed Stark owned it (since he owned everything), and Loki was betting the man had to have at least one liquor cabinet on stand by.
But he didn’t have to search long, Loki guessed they got the message that the funeral was for an Asgardian, so they had to have an Asgardian wake- which entailed a lot of booze.
He managed to avoid Thor for the rest of the evening, and just about everyone else as well. He wasn’t really expecting it to be all that difficult, he doubted anyone would actually come up and speak to him. No one did all evening, so it was easy to slip out of the crowd and out the door.
Thor sat on a barstool. He circled the liquor in his glass carelessly. He didn’t feel like drinking, even though he knew it would probably help some. He hadn’t really had a moment to himself all day. Everyone had talked to him, shared their condolences. This was really the first shred of peace he has had, and all he can manage to think about is ringing his little brother’s neck. He let go of the glass before he shattered it. Thor ran his hands down his face, digging his fingers into his eyes. He thought he would be crying more, but he guess it has passed for now.
He looked up when he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. He relaxed when he noticed his sister's dark green eyes. He sighed, rubbing his face again, as she took a seat beside him.
“Honestly,” She sipped her martini, “I think it could have been worse.”
Thor chuckled, “I never took you for an optimist.”
“Well, you know Loki,” She swirled the olives around in her glass, “You know he was biting his tongue the best he could.”
Thor huffed, his hands falling back down to the bar. “I shouldn’t have invited him.”
“Thor, don’t say that-”
“Well, he’s made it pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to be here, Hela. He- He ruined everything. Just like he always does.” He downed the rest of his glass.
Hela held her tongue, her nails tapping the bar as she looked at her younger brother’s profile. “I’m sorry I brought him.”
“I don’t blame you-” Thor shook his head, “I know you had good intentions.”
“But you shouldn’t be angry with Loki either,” Thor sucked in a sharp breath to argue, “He had it worse, Thor. He had it worse than either of us know.” Thor let his eyes roam around the room, he couldn’t look at his sister just yet, because he knew she was right.
“You remember the bruises,” Thor cringed, “The arguments, the punishments- the screams,” Thor let his head fall. “You can not just expect him to be so forgiving and loving towards Odin as you are. Sure he is all of our father, but he was a different man towards each of us.” Hela’s hand had found Thor’s shoulder once again. “I know I probably shouldn’t have forced him to come, but I know Loki. I would even say I know him better than you,” Thor raised his eyebrow, “I know he would regret not coming, even if he would rather die than admit it.”
Thor nodded, he glanced over his shoulder once more, looking around the room. “Where is he anyway?”
“I’m sure he left hours ago.” Hela sighed, turning back to the bar, taking another sip.
“I’m- I’m just going to check. I need some air anyway.” He stood, placing a gentle kiss on his sister’s cheek before he left. He was thankful for the cold air as it hit his face. He was getting too warm in there, maybe it was all of the people, maybe it was his anger and nerves. He shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked from the cabin. He honestly wasn’t putting too much hope into finding his brother, he was sure Hela was right. Loki more than likely left the moment the ceremony ended.
Thor walked towards the lake, his feet kicked the acorns and leaves as he went. He looked up towards the moon, it was bright in comparison to the dark sky. The woods around him almost seemed black, as did the lake, except for the light reflecting off its center. Thor stilled as he stared down at the docks, he saw the outline of a man sitting on the edge. He knew it was Loki, even when he was so far away. Thor recognized the curls of his hair as it laid on Loki’s shoulders, and Thor had never known anyone else who had long lanky legs as his brother did, and how they currently dangled off the dock. Loki swayed them back and forth over the water.
Thor knew Loki heard him approach, his footsteps echoing off the dock was a dead giveaway, along with the creak that screamed underneath the gods weight. But Loki never did look up, or flinch, or even move a muscle. Thor stood a foot behind him, his hands still in his pockets.
“I thought you had left.” He said calmly, looking out to the lake.
“I thought about it.” Loki answered. “But I don’t know where the hell we are- So I didn’t know which way to start walking.” Loki knocked his head back as he took a heavy swig from the bottle. Thor recognized it, it wasn’t from Earth, it was one of the Asgardian bottles Thor had gifted to Stark. It was much stronger than what Loki had been knocking back all morning.
Thor sighed, he bit his lip uneasy as his eyes watched his brother nervously. He shifted uncomfortably, before taking another step forward, “Loki, come on, take a few steps back- Let’s go sit on a bench somewhere-”
“What?” Loki slurred, rolling his shoulder to knock Thor’s hand away, “Does the water make you nervous?” He teased.
Thor huffed, aggravated, “Yes it does.” He answered firmly. “Come on, Loki, I’m not in the mood. Let’s go talk somewhere else-”
“I don’t want to talk.” Loki swayed, and Thor couldn’t tell if he was just doing it to get on Thor’s nerves, or if it was unintentional. But what made Thor squirm was how intently Loki’s eyes stayed on the dark water.
“Loki, I’m not angry with you,” Thor found himself saying. He just thought- If he kept talking, then maybe his brother wouldn’t get any ideas. “I understand how you feel about Odin-”
“No you don’t.” Loki scoffed wetly. “You’ve never asked me how I felt.” He hissed, “So, how would you know, Thor?”
“I- I don’t know, Loki. I guess….I guess you’re right.” Thor shook his head. “But you can tell me- You can tell me everything you want, but let’s just-” Thor gestured towards the cabin behind them, but he wasn’t able to proceed.
“You won’t get it.” Loki shook his head, his grip tightened around the bottle. “He actually loved you, he cared about you-”
“Loki, he cared about you-”
“Really?” Loki laughed, “Oh- Okay, so I- I guess beating the shit out of me was a form of his love?” Thor winced, looking away. “Is that how he loved you, Thor?”
Thor never answered, he bit down on his tongue.
“That’s what I thought.” He heard his brother whisper, taking another drink from the bottle.
“Loki-”
“I hate him, Thor.” Loki stared directly ahead, “I hate him.” He repeated.
“I know. It’s okay, you have-”
“He turned me into a monster.” Loki choked on a sob that Thor wasn’t expecting. His thin shoulders shook as he doubled forward, crying into his hands.
“Loki,” Thor lunged forward, his hands on his brother’s shoulders, trying to pull him back from the edge of the dock. “Loki, come on, don’t say that. You are not a monster.”
“I-I said he was everything I didn’t want to be,” He sucked in a shaky breath, Thor frowned, digging into his coat pocket for a handkerchief. He tried pinching Loki’s nose since he had snot running down his chin, but Loki shoved Thor away weakly. He more or less shoved himself away, since Thor’s sturdy chest forced the younger god tumbling backwards. Thor grabbed his arm quickly, his eyes wide with fear. But Loki didn’t seem to be bothered, or scared. He wiggled his arm, trying to break free of Thor’s grip.
He sniffled, his nose still running. “I said…” He tried repeating what he had said, but he couldn’t stop hiccupping or sniffling.
“I know, Loki.” Thor rubbed his shoulder.
“I- I spent my whole life trying not to- not to become him.” Loki growled, “And I did. I still did.” He caved in on himself. Loki’s elbows dug into his knees, Thor didn’t like how far forward he was leaning. His little brother was upset and drunk, he was already off balanced and unsteady, Thor didn’t need him falling head first into the lake. Thor put a hand on Loki’s chest, keeping him pushed back.
“Why do you think that, Loki?” Thor asked softly. Because Loki was right, he had never asked before. Thor didn’t know how Loki felt, he had only ever assumed, and most of the time he had been wrong.
“I-I-” Loki wiped his nose on his sleeve, hiccupping again. Thor finally managed to pinch his little brother’s nose with his handkerchief, ridding some of Loki’s troubles away. “I’m cold- A-And mean. I’m hateful and cruel- Just like he was. I’ve hurt people, I hurt mom-” He sobbed harshly, the hardest he had yet. Thor winced, guiding Loki into his chest. Thor brushed his fingers through his brother’s curls as he cried into Thor’s suit jacket.
“Shsh, it’s okay,” Thor repeated softly, over and over again. He knew it probably wasn’t helping all that much, but he was trying to figure out what he was supposed to say.
Loki coughed, his fingers gripping Thor’s suit tightly, “I tried so hard, but- It happened anyway.” Loki trembled underneath Thor’s embrace.
“Loki, that doesn’t make you a monster-”
“Yes it does.” Loki answered quickly, “Because he was. And if I’m like him then- then-”
“But you’re not like him, Loki. It’s all in your head.” Thor held him tighter when he felt Loki start to protest. But after a while, Thor felt him relax almost completely. They sat there for probably an hour, if Thor had to guess. His legs were getting sore, and his arms tired from holding his brother up. Thor rubbed Loki’s back, “Hey, come on. Let’s go get something to eat, I doubt you’ve had anything.” He said nudging Loki who was clearly either asleep, or almost there. Loki blinked, as Thor got back to his feet. The older prince stretched quickly, before holding his hand out for his brother.
Loki glanced at it, then sighed. He took Thor’s hand, he was pulled up. But as he got to his feet, he swayed, his feet tripped over the over and he went leaning forward off the edge of the dock. He felt a hand grip the back of his jacket and tug him back towards the dock.
Loki huffed, getting his balance, Thor still holding a tight grip. Loki yanked at his jacket, noticing Thor’s crazed eyes and heavy breaths.
“What is your issue tonight?” Loki slurred, “It’s just a lake.” Thor’s face dropped, and Loki felt more confused. “What?”
“Loki,” Thor said slowly, “You can’t swim.”
Loki stood there a second, glancing back towards the water, “Oh yeah…” He said quietly.
Thor chewed on his lip worriedly, he wrapped his arm around Loki’s shoulders turning him away from the lake and guided him back down the dock. Thor took the bottle from Loki’s hands, which Loki surprisingly didn’t fight.
“Oh,” They heard a gasp, they both looked up, Hela barely illuminated by the light as she stood at the end of the dock. “I was just coming to look for you.” Her eyes shifted between the two of them. Thor’s concerned expression, the bottle in his hand, and Loki’s slumped posture and puffy eyes. Hela rubbed her hands together, trying to warm them up as she walked towards them with a soft smile. Thor felt Loki’s arm leave him as he took a step forward. Loki practically collapsed into Hela’s arms, ducking down a foot to rest his face in the crook of her neck as he cried. His arms wrapped around her waist, as she rubbed his back.
“I’m sorry-” He sucked in another breath, trying to speak in between the sobs that shook his thin body.
“Shshsh, it’s okay, Loki.” She whispered in his ear, kissing his temple. She shared a look with Thor, who nodded back. He rubbed his brother’s back as he walked passed, kissing Hela’s head of dark hair, his hand sliding down her arm as he left them be. He knew he probably wasn’t the one his brother needed right now, well neither was Hela….Thor thinks they all know that. But their mother isn’t here- And that’s who was always the best with Loki, who understood him better than Thor or Hela.
But their mother wasn’t here anymore, neither was their father.
It was just them now, and they had to be here for one another. Thor realized that now. This was only the beginning. They were all going to have times, moments, where they needed the other. This just happened to be Loki’s time, Thor was sure there would be more. Loki was still young, he was still a kid- A kid who lost both of his parents too soon. He was going to need his brother and sister more than they did, but that’s okay.
Thor was never going to complain, he bet Hela would eventually, but right now- Thor looked over his shoulder, he had walked back up the hill towards the house. He saw the silhouettes of Hela brushing Loki’s curls out of his face.
Right now she seemed to be doing a good job.