Chapter 2
I slumped back on my couch, readjusting the glasses on my face as I rolled my head onto the backrest. Blinking repeatedly up at my ceiling, trying to refocus myself, I massaged my temples with both hands. My head was killing me and my eyes were aching and blurry from staring at the monitor of my laptop for hours on end culling photos. I was certain they were bloodshot with how bad they were burning.
With a deep groan, I lowered my head, my eyes darting to the time in the corner of my screen. It was almost three-thirty in the morning. Grunting tiredly, I pulled my glasses off with one hand, aggressively rubbing my eyes with the other.
I knew I should go to sleep, knew that my body needed it, but I didn't want to lay in bed awake. Dark, anxious thoughts had been creeping into my mind all night and turning up my music and focusing on culling photos had been a welcome respite from them.
Lightly slapping my cheeks, I forced my attention back to my work, turning the music up a bit louder as I did. I was so close to finishing the memory card I was working through before I’d paused, trying to keep certain thoughts from my mind, and I just wanted to finish it.
Until I came upon a set of photos of the bride's sister.
She had been the matron of honor at this wedding; a boisterous, sweet blonde woman who had given a beautiful toast to the newlyweds at the reception. She was newly married herself, to the man standing next to her in the photo I was currently staring at.
She had also been just over seven months pregnant. She had been glowing despite how nervous I remembered her telling me she was about being so close to her due date at her sister's wedding.
And I remembered crying in a bathroom stall halfway through that day just trying to keep myself professional and together.
It wasn't that I'd necessarily wanted a child that had me suddenly breathing hard on my couch staring at her baby bump. It was what had happened after I'd found out I'd accidentally gotten pregnant the one time I was dumb and let Justin talk me into not being safe, even though I knew and had told him that I'd been so stressed with work that I'd been taking my birth control too sporadically not to use a condom. Of course he’d talked me out of being responsible–because I had been an idiot whenever it came to him.
My eyes flew to the dark floor of my kitchen, lingering on the space between the small circular table and the large island.
Blood. There had been so much blood that night.
"Look what you did! What you made me do!"
I was suddenly sinking to the floor in the small space between the couch and my coffee table, my legs tucked up to my chest, my arms wrapped so tight around them it hurt. I was gasping frantically for air, my forehead resting on my knees as my entire body trembled violently.
"You can't have this kid, Emily. I will never love it, never love any part of it that's mine."
Tears stung wet tracks down my cheeks as I sobbed, rocking lightly back and forth. A terrible rasping noise filled my ears.
"I will kill myself if you have this baby. You can't, Emily."
It was the sound coming out of my throat, I realized. I was making that awful strangled wheezing. The ache in my chest burned and the knot in my stomach kept twisting tighter and tighter. My head felt light, too light, as I struggled to breathe. My hands crept up to my neck, nails biting into my own skin, trying to claw it open so I could just breathe.
And that's when I heard it, the sound that haunted me awake or asleep. Rapid beats. A small heartbeat. It echoed in my ears, drowning out the sound of my own sobs.
I curled into myself in the small space on the floor between the two pieces of furniture. My head rested on the plush rug beneath me, my tears soaking the material.
I rode out the rest of my panic attack lying there alone, as I had often done over the past few months. Eventually I fell asleep curled in a tight ball, feeling too tired and broken to move.
"How are things with you and Karen?" I asked Ezra curiously as we walked to Josie’s, my sundress lightly swaying around my thighs in the cool breeze. "You ask her out yet?"
"I was…trying to work up the courage to do it tonight," he admitted nervously. His eyes darted to me, an anxious look on his face. "You think it's a good idea? Or is it too soon? Should I wait longer?" he asked in a rush. "I just don't want to scare her off."
"Calm down," I told him, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "I think it's a good idea. You should. The way she’s always blushing and giggling around you, I’d be surprised if she turned you down."
He relaxed a bit as we walked, his hands finding their way into his jean pockets. "What about you and Matt? You ever going to tell him?"
I bit my lip, shrugging lightly. "We've always just been friends. I don't…want to ruin that. I don't even think he sees me that way. And I just…" my mouth twisted as I felt that familiar gnawing pain in me, "I think he deserves better."
Ezra glanced over his shoulder at me, a sad look on his face that had my stomach churning. "You're not broken, Em," he told me softly. "You know that right?"
I bit the inside of my cheek, fighting back a flood of emotions as I nodded slowly. "Yeah, sure," I said off-handedly, rubbing quickly at my eyes. The bar came into view and I straightened, squaring my shoulders. "Let's just have fun tonight, alright? I don't…don't want to think about any of that."
Ezra nodded, stepping ahead to hold the door to Josie’s open for me, dramatically waving me through with his hand as he dipped into a bow at his waist. I shook my head, rolling my eyes at how much of an unabashed dork my brother was. I loved him all the more for it.
He followed me to the bar counter, and this time I refrained from leaning against it as Josie herself headed towards us.
"Keep it up," she told me, "and I might think you're a regular again."
I grinned, pulling a few bills from my purse. "Does that mean I'd finally get to have a tab?"
"No," she replied instantly.
Ezra rested his elbow along the counter, leaning in just a bit towards Josie. She eyed him suspiciously and I immediately bit my lip, trying to fight back the laugh.
"Aww come on, not even for me?" he said, trying to lay on the charm.
Josie snorted, slapping her hands hard on the counter. "No chance, pretty boy."
Ezra balked as a bark of a laugh left me at her words. Josie turned her attention back to me, expectantly waiting for our drink order.
"I'll take my usual," I told her, snickering as I added, "but maybe get the pretty boy something fruity."
Josie grinned, nodding as she walked off to get our drinks. I placed cash on the bar and turned to Ezra. He was glaring at me but I could see the faint smile under his expression.
Across the room, just over his shoulder, I spotted Foggy, Marci, Karen, and Matt sitting at the same table as last time. Though this time they'd added two more chairs that were currently vacant. Marci caught my eye, waving excitedly when she did. I smiled, shooting her a wave before holding up one finger and gesturing to the bar.
I turned back around in time to see Josie place two bottles of beer on the counter before scooping up the cash. She shot me a conspiratorial wink before she headed off to serve another man farther down. My eyes immediately landed on the beer with something that used to resemble an orange on top of the bottle. I grinned wide, snatching the beer without it.
"Guess she found something fruity for you, pretty boy," I teased.
Ezra grabbed the bottle, rolling his eyes at me, before we both made our way towards the table our friends were at. Of course Ezra took the seat beside Foggy, leaving the one conveniently by Matt for me. He shot me a look and mouthed the word 'karma.'
"I'm glad you both made it out tonight!" Karen said, immediately drawing Ezra's attention. "I wasn't sure you would."
I grit my teeth, nervously sliding into the chair beside Matt. I wasn't sure if things were still weird between us after my last night at Josie’s. I wanted to talk to him but I was hoping to do it in person tonight. I just needed to find a chance to do it.
"Yeah I didn't work tonight and I have a late start to my wedding tomorrow," I told Karen. “Figured I’d come out again.”
"What the hell is that?" Marci cut in.
She was making a face as Ezra pulled the orange slice from his beer. It looked withered and yellowed.
"That," I said, pointing at the sad slice of fruit, "is a prime example of what happens when you ask Josie for a fruity drink."
Marci and Karen winced but I saw Foggy grin. Beside me Matt chuckled lightly, the noise making my heart flutter. When I chanced a look at him, he was already staring back at me with a smile on his face. I spotted a new cut just below his dark glasses. I noticed he was still in his dress clothes from work, just like everyone else at the table except for Ezra and I. His dark tie was slightly undone though and the sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up to his elbows. My eyes momentarily lingered on his muscular forearms and the dark hair along them.
"Hey, Em," he greeted me, his tone light.
I swallowed hard, my eyes darting back up to his face. I smiled nervously, crossing my ankles under the table.
"Hey, Matt," I muttered back.
Judging by the smile on his face, he wasn't mad at me anymore. But I still felt like I needed to talk to him.
Matt returned his attention to everyone at the table, but it took my brain a moment to focus on the conversation. It was partly due to my terrible night's sleep on the floor last night, but also due to the confusing rush of feelings I usually felt around Matt.
"We settle it at pool!" Foggy suddenly burst out at Ezra.
"I accept your challenge," Ezra playfully called back, rising to his feet. "And I pick Karen for my team."
Karen giggled as Ezra headed over towards her, draping a confident arm over her shoulder. Foggy whined and immediately turned his eyes on Matt.
"Alright, I pick Matt," he called out.
Matt shook his head, raising his beer bottle to his lips. "I might sit this one out, buddy. Why don't you play with your girlfriend?"
"Yeah Foggy Bear, why don't you?" Marci asked, her voice sultry and intentionally meaning something else.
Matt grimaced beside me. "Not what I meant," his deep voice said.
I laughed as Foggy got up, trying to shit talk Ezra and Karen as they made their way to the open pool table.
I slid out of my chair, grabbing my beer from the table. The moment my hand touched the bottle, Matt's hand was suddenly grabbing for me; his hand was so large it engulfed my wrist. My eyes flew to his face, my heart abruptly beating a little quicker.
"Can we talk?" he asked me gently, releasing my wrist.
I took a drink of my beer, trying to wet my suddenly very dry mouth. "Yeah," I answered after I swallowed the alcohol down.
"Maybe outside?" he asked hopefully. "I could use some fresh air."
"Uh, yeah sure," I said. "I can bring our drinks over by the others?"
He smiled, holding out his drink towards me. I took it from him, my fingers brushing briefly against his. Internally I scolded myself for acting like this; I normally wasn’t such a hormonal teenager around Matt.
"Thanks," he mumbled. He gestured towards the door as he grabbed his cane. "Meet you outside?"
"Yeah," I said, sounding too breathless for my liking.
As Matt turned to head outside, I headed towards the pool table. Beside our friends was a table they had already commandeered with their drinks and I set mine and Matt's beers on it before turning and heading towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Foggy called out loudly.
I stopped abruptly, spinning quickly on my heel and feeling like I was doing a fine impression of a deer in the headlights.
"Just…stepping outside for some fresh air?" I said hesitantly. "With Matt?"
I saw Marci waggle her eyebrows beside Foggy and my cheeks flushed with heat. Fresh air sounded real good right now.
"We'll be back in a minute," I said quickly, turning back around again and heading for the door.
"Take your time!" Ezra called loudly after me like an ass.
I flipped him the bird before opening the door to Josie’s and stepping outside. Immediately it somehow felt cooler than inside despite it being mid June. I saw Matt leaning against the bar window, his cane tapping almost nervously in front of him. The red glow from the neon sign on the window above washed him in a dark red.
I wrung my hands nervously in front of myself as I approached him. His head suddenly turned towards me and I saw him smile faintly in my direction.
"Hey," I said awkwardly.
I leant up against the window beside him, the cold chill of it refreshing against my back as I chewed my lip nervously. He had stopped tapping his cane and was instead awkwardly spinning it between both of his hands. My eyes locked onto his hands, transfixed by their movement.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
My brow furrowed, my eyes darting up to Matt's face as he looked back at me wearing a matching quizzical expression on his own face. We had both just blurted an apology at the same time, but I couldn't fathom what he needed to apologize for. Judging by the look on his face, he was feeling the same.
"Wait," I asked him, "what are you sorry about? I'm the one who disappeared for months and then hurt your feelings when I came back."
Matt removed his glasses, shaking his head as he ran his forearm across his eyes. "No, I was an ass," he told me. "I shouldn't have pushed you to talk. It's not my place."
"You're right though," I told him softly. "I did used to tell you everything. I just…I'm not ready to talk about this yet, Matty."
He nodded, his eyes focusing along my chin. "I understand and I respect that," he replied. "I just…just care about you, Em. And you disappeared on us…on me, and when you came back you were clearly upset. I just wanted to help. I wanted to fix whatever it was for you, but that’s not…not my place." He took a hesitant step towards me. "Can we just…just go back to being friends again? Forget about whatever weird thing that was the other night?"
I winced slightly as the word 'friend' left his mouth, but that was what we had always been.
"Yeah, Matty," I told him, smiling a little. "I'd like that."
He swung his arms open wide, a hopeful look on his face that was so cute I couldn't help the growing grin on my mouth.
"Hug on it?" he asked.
I immediately stepped into his arms, wrapping mine around his waist and resting my head against his chest. His arms wrapped tight around my shoulders, his head suddenly burying into the space beside my neck.
He smelled good, like clean laundry and a faint, earthy scent. My eyes drifted closed, inhaling the smell of him and feeling my body relax against his. He was warm, and somehow he seemed more muscular than I remembered.
"I missed you, Matty," I admitted into the fabric of his dress shirt.
"I missed you, too, Em," he mumbled back.
His warm breath as he spoke brushed along the skin of my neck. Goosebumps rose along my arms and a faint shiver ran up my spine. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed being held by him until I'd gone so long without hugging him.
"If you ever want to talk," Matt told me gently, "if you're ever ready to, you know I'm always here, Em. And I never judge you."
"I know," I whispered back, giving him a light squeeze. "I've always appreciated that."
Matt removed his arms from around me and I reluctantly released him, stepping back a step to look up at him.
"Should we go see who's winning at that game?" Matt asked, placing his glasses back onto his face.
I snorted at his question. "Obviously Ez and Karen are," I told him. "Marci isn't that great."
Matt chuckled as I grabbed his hand, placing it in the crook of my arm as I lead him back into the bar. The music playing hit my ears as we stepped back inside and I felt Matt lean in beside me.
"You're one to talk," he whispered, his mouth suddenly by my ear as we walked. "You're the worst one out of all of us."
I forced myself to remember that we were just friends, despite what his mouth beside my ear was making me feel. I swallowed hard, another shiver running up my spine as my heart stuttered in my chest. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt's head shift slightly towards me, the corner of his mouth twitching as if he somehow just knew.
"And I accept that fact," I told him lightly.
"You're back!" Foggy called out, his voice breaking the moment. "Just in time to watch me lose horribly. No thanks to you, Matt!"
Matt's head quickly turned towards Foggy as he released my elbow and shot him an affronted look. "Me? What did I do?"
"You didn't join my team!"
"Hey!" Marci shot back, offended.
"Digging your own grave there, Nelson," I warned him as I grabbed my beer from the table. "Might want to be careful."
"The lady has a point," Matt said, picking up his own beer and taking a drink.
Matt casually tossed his arm over my shoulder and my cheeks burned at the unexpected contact. He was more handsy than usual with me tonight and I wasn’t sure why. I quickly tried to hide my nerves, raising my beer to my lips and finishing it off.
"I'm going to grab a refill," I announced to the group.
I set the empty bottle down, slipping out from under Matt's arm as I did. Then I turned, my focus set on Josie wiping down the corner of the bar.
"Wait," Matt said, catching my attention before I walked off.
I halted, watching as he downed his beer and set the empty bottle down beside mine before he reached out, grabbing my elbow and sending my heart racing with the smile he shot me.
"I'll join you," he told me.
A little shocked at him following after me again, I led him back to the bar with me. I was surprised yet again when I saw him take a seat, apparently intending to stay here with me for longer than just grabbing a drink. I sat down on the bar stool beside him feeling more nervous now as I grabbed Josie’s attention. She spotted us and made her way over, rolling her eyes when Matt smiled charmingly at her.
Her eyes immediately snapped towards me, a faux grim expression on her face. "Trading one pretty boy for another?" she asked me.
Before I could even make a comment about Ezra being my brother, Matt was already laying it on thick with his cocky attitude.
"Aww, Josie, you think I'm pretty?" he joked, smart enough to keep his extremities off of the sticky bar.
Josie grunted in response. "Your charm may work on the pretty girls, Murdock, but I only care about your money," she shot back.
"Now how would I know if they're pretty?" he asked, brows rising behind his glasses.
She shrugged in answer. "Beats me. But a pretty girl walks in here, she's sure as shit always walking out with you."
My face fell at her words, not wanting to hear about Matt's "perpetual bachelorhood" from Josie. Her eyes landed back on me and I forced a smile.
"Jack and Coke," I told her, feeling the need for something stronger suddenly.
Matt glanced at me, hesitating a moment as he frowned, before he turned to Josie again and ordered another beer, telling her to put my drink on his tab.
"Sure," I called after Josie, "he gets to have a tab."
"You okay?" Matt asked me, his gaze focused on the bar in front of me. "I mean, in general. You don't usually break into whiskey unless you're upset."
"You know me too well, Murdock," I huffed out.
His hand landed on my right knee, just below the hemline of my sundress. My eyes dropped down to it, feeling like the skin under his hand was drastically increasing in temperature. His thumb very briefly swiped across my skin, a gentle, absent-mindedly affectionate stroke. Heat rose to my cheeks; he'd never touched me like that before. His touches had always remained quite strictly friendly. But this felt…different.
Josie appeared abruptly, loudly placing down Matt's beer and my glass on the bar. I swallowed thickly, grabbing the glass with my left hand and quickly drinking down half of it as Josie wandered off again. When I set the glass back down, his hand was still on my knee as he picked up the beer in his right hand, taking a drink himself.
I exhaled shakily, cautiously testing the boundary he'd crossed as I slid my slightly trembling hand closer to his. My fingertips just barely grazed the back of his palm, but he still didn't remove his hand. He did shift though; his body turning on the bar stool towards me. I looked up towards him from under my lashes, feeling my breath hitch when his lips pulled back into the most heart-melting smile I'd ever seen.
"Dude, why are you using your pickup move on Emily?" Foggy asked as he sidled up to the bar on the other side of Matt, waving Josie down.
Matt's hand abruptly left my knee, leaving my fingers reaching for nothing. The air felt suddenly colder at the absence of his warm palm.
"What?" Matt snapped at him.
Foggy vaguely gestured a hand towards us as he spoke, his attention still more focused on catching Josie’s. "The thing you do. The hand on the knee at the bar, smiling all handsome devil-like. Buying the girl a drink." He shot Matt a look quickly, shaking his head before brushing it off as Josie stopped in front of him. "It's weird, man."
"I don't have a thing," Matt shot back over his shoulder at Foggy.
My heart sank into my stomach; Matt must have been drinking a lot tonight before we had shown up. That would explain some of his unusual handsy-ness this evening. But it stung that he was using some played out move he does on every girl–a move even Foggy recognized–with it successfully riling me up. It hurt that he would do that like I was some cheap lay.
Mood soured and with a deep frown on my face, I grabbed my glass and downed the drink, slamming it rough enough on the counter to catch both of their attention.
"I think I've had enough for one night," I told them sharply, sliding off the stool. "I'll see you later."
"But you haven't been here that long?" Foggy called after me.
I headed towards the pool table, ignoring the silent argument that had started between the two men behind me and said goodbye to everyone. Ezra was knowingly glaring at Matt the entire time, clearly aware he’d had something to do with my early departure.
"Leave it," I warned him.
I saw Marci and Karen exchange curious looks before I turned and headed towards the exit. Once outside, I headed straight for Ezra's apartment, fighting the stinging burn of tears behind my eyes as I hugged my arms tight across my chest, feeling insecure and cheap.
"Emily!"
My eyes snapped shut as Matt called my name down the sidewalk. My jaw tightened as I stopped walking, hearing the sound of his footsteps and his cane rapidly nearing on the pavement.
"Hey, I don't know what the hell Foggy was talking about," Matt said in a rush. "I wasn't using some move on you–"
"Stop Matt," I ordered. I exhaled sharply, my eyes opening and taking in the distraught sight of him in front of me. "Let's just chalk whatever that was up to you drinking too much tonight. I'll pretend it didn't happen."
"Emily, no–"
"But I would appreciate," I continued, talking over him, "if you didn't pull some stupid pickup on me in the future. I'm your friend Matt, not some easy fuck you can buy a drink and flash your charming smile at."
He shook his head roughly at my words, his face falling. "That's not…that's not what that was," he urged.
"No, Foggy was right," I told him, hurt coming through my words as I spoke. "I've seen you use that move countless times on countless women. It's your thing." I shook my head quickly. "Just go back to Josie’s, Matt. Grab a cab. Go home. Drink some water and sleep it off." I stepped around him and continued towards Ezra's. "We can forget this happened, too."
As I walked the brief few minutes back to Ez's, a few tears slipped down my face. I roughly wiped them away, hoping I could truly find a way to forget it had happened.
Because I wanted it–wanted Matt in that way–and I had for years now. I’d thought about it often despite being with Justin. Wondering what it would be like with him, someone who’d always been so sweet and understanding, compassionate and caring. So many things Justin had never been. So many things I’d never managed to find in a man.
But I wanted more than one night with him, and I wanted more than just his body. And I certainly wouldn't torture myself with a one night fling or a series of meaningless fucks. Not with Matt.
An incessant buzzing noise woke me and I groaned, my face buried in the back of the leather couch. I pulled the blanket up higher over me, covering my ears and trying to drown out the noise. And then I realized it was the sound of my phone vibrating on the coffee table beside me.
I groaned again, tiredly rolling onto my back. The room spun for a brief moment and I held a hand to my forehead, waiting for it to settle. Carefully I sat upright on the couch, my arm darting forward to snatch the offending object from the table and shut it up. But then my eyes noticed the name across the screen: Justin Finch.
The phone fell from my hands, and I watched as it landed by my feet. The screen suddenly went dark as the call went to my voicemail. A mix of emotions swam through me–anger, fear, sadness, hurt.
The knot in my stomach twisted tighter and the ache in my chest began to thunder dangerously against my ribcage. I opened my mouth, a sound coming out like a mangled whine before I clapped my hands over it, silencing myself. My phone lit back up, making a single buzz of vibration to let me know he’d left a voicemail. Tears burned behind my eyes and I kicked my phone halfway across the room, no longer wanting to even look at it.
I grabbed the blanket from off of me and instantly tiptoed to the front door, hesitating a moment in front of it as my eyes darted to the time on the stove. I stepped back, heading into the kitchen and raiding Ezra’s fridge for the bottles of water I’d brought with me earlier this evening. I grabbed two before heading back to the front door and unlocking it, slipping out of the apartment and away from Ezra’s rhythmic snoring. I turned to the right, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders the best I could while toting two bottles of water before I headed up to the roof.
Rubbing the back of my hand roughly across my eyes, I sat down on the roof, sniffling. I placed one of the bottles of water beside me before cracking open the other, taking a long drink and enjoying the cold trickle down my throat. I secured the cap back on, setting the bottle beside me, before I settled further into the blanket. The wind was whipping around more wildly tonight than it had the night I’d been up here a week ago. Sighing, I laid down on the roof, pulling the blanket around me like a cocoon, and stared up at the starless sky. For everything that was great about the city, I always wished there was less light pollution so I could see more than the occasional planes flying past at night.
My mind inevitably drifted to the phone call that had woken me up, annoyed that he’d tried to reach out to me again. We had broken up four months ago, during the events of that night, and he had left me alone entirely the first two months of the break up. But now, over these past two months, he’d called a few times, leaving voicemails that ranged from long winded, rambling apologies, to angry rants blaming me for everything that had happened between us. A few times he’d left me what amounted to pages of text messages; usually they’d start out as him apologizing profusely before he would call me horrible names. A couple of times they were messages where he threatened his own life. I’d told him a few times to leave me alone, and I had desperately wanted to block his number, but I was afraid that would only push him to show up on my doorstep, blindsiding me entirely.
“Don’t you have somewhere more comfortable to sleep than on a rooftop?” a familiar deep voice asked. “Or did your brother finally lock you out of his apartment?”
A moment later, Daredevil was standing above me, a faint amused grin on his mouth. Despite the reason I’d first come up here, and the hurt I had felt over whatever had happened with Matt, I found myself smiling faintly up at the masked vigilante.
“Yes and no,” I answered his questions. “I just needed to step out for a bit. Clear my head.”
His mouth twisted at my words as he kneeled down to a crouch beside me. “At almost three in the morning?”
I huffed noisily, my eyes returning to the night sky above me. “Well I had been asleep, which is honestly surprising for me, but then my ex called.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw his body tense, his mouth thinning at my words. He sat down fully beside me, turning his body so his legs were in line with mine as he stared up at the sky.
“Has he been doing that often?” he asked, voice low.
“More often than he should be,” I muttered. “I’d rather he left me alone.”
His head turned towards me, tilting to the side as he watched me. “You want some help with that?”
My eyes shifted towards him. Was he offering to bash my ex in? Because the offer was tempting, but it was probably one I shouldn’t take.
“I’ll uh…let you know if I do,” I told him quietly.
I reached over beside me, grabbing the unopened bottle of cold water and turned, handing it out towards him. I saw his mouth twitch, his head dipping slightly to the side as one of his hands reached out. His gloved fingers grazed the backs of my fingers for a moment before they caught on the cold plastic. Briefly I remembered how he’d taken them off last week, the act now seeming quite…intimate, almost, before I had cried all over his suit.
“What’s this?” he asked lightly.
I raised a brow at him, my eyes narrowing slightly at the question. “Water? It’s hot out, probably more so in that suit that you run around in. Figured you’d be thirsty.” I watched as he lifted it up towards his face as if he was examining it, his mouth slightly parted. “I didn’t poison it, if that’s what you’re wondering,” I told him.
His head turned back towards me, a slow smile spreading over his lips as he stared back. I crossed my arms, feeling a little uncomfortable under the red glare of his mask.
“What?” I asked him when he kept staring.
“You came up here with two bottles of water?” he asked me curiously. “Were you out here waiting for me?”
I rolled my eyes, my attention turning towards my feet. “More like testing a theory. And also just trying to be nice to the only member of Hell’s Kitchen’s neighborhood crime watch.”
He chuckled lightly, cracking open the bottle before bringing it to his mouth. I turned, watching as he guzzled the bottle in a matter of seconds. When he was finished, he wiped his moist lips with the back of his arm. I found myself unable to look away from his mouth.
“Thanks,” he said, setting the empty bottle down beside him. “I don’t…generally have people think of me like that.”
“Don’t need you passing out on me from heat exhaustion,” I muttered back.
He huffed out a light laugh before laying back beside me on the roof, throwing his arms behind his head. I turned, taking in the sight of him relaxed beside me. He was easily a well built man, even if the muscle definitely was harder to see in this suit. And from this angle, with him laying beside me, something he’d never done before, I decided his jaw was beautiful as well. My fingers twitched at my sides, wondering what the stubble along his chin would feel like along them.
“So what was the theory?” he asked.
“What?” I asked, taken off guard from my intense oogling of him.
His head turned, the dark red eyes staring unblinkingly back at me. The right corner of his lips quirked up. “You said you had a theory, that’s why you brought two water bottles with you,” he said. “What was it? I’m curious.”
“Oh,” I said, my head turning so I was looking back up at the night sky; out of the corner of my eye I saw him do the same. “Just that you purposefully look for me.”
His laugh was loud, a sound I didn’t often hear from him. It made me smile in return.
“You say that,” he said, his tone very clearly amused, “as if there’s a ton of women crazy enough to sit alone on rooftops in the early morning hours in Hell’s Kitchen.”
I snorted at his words. “And here I thought you sought me out because I was special,” I joked.
His head turned back towards me, the movement causing mine to turn in towards his. He was still smiling wide as he said, “You are.”
I bit my lip, trying to fight back the smile on my face. My heart was doing little stutters in my chest, everything else in my life entirely forgotten in his presence like usual.
“I can assure you,” he continued, his voice soft, “you’re the only person in Hell’s Kitchen I run into remotely as much as I have over the years. And certainly the only one I enjoy running into repeatedly.”
I rolled onto my side, facing him. He suddenly became very rigid as he laid there, staring back at me. My tongue darted along my lips as my eyes were drawn down to the shape of his. The only other mouth I’d ever found myself fantasizing over besides Matt’s was Daredevil’s. There had been many nights I’d thought about his mouth, wondering what it would feel like, taste like. Unlike Matt, Daredevil had often flirted quite openly with me, but he’d never done more than that, and having been committed in my relationship–even during the break up periods–I had never tried anything with him. Never even seriously considered the idea, even if some lonely nights I’d imagined doing many, many things with him. But right now, sitting up here on this roof, staring down at him, all I wanted was to kiss him.
Tentatively I reached a hand out, hovering it momentarily over his face before letting it gently rest along the uncovered part of his cheek and jaw. I could feel my heart hammering all the way up in my throat.
“What are you doing?” he asked softly.
“Haven’t you…” I began, a little flustered that he wasn’t quite catching on. “I mean, in all this time we’ve run into each other…all the flirting we’ve done back and forth. You haven’t…wanted to do something more?” I asked nervously. “I mean…you’ve…you’ve never thought about kissing me?”
He sat up abruptly, my hand falling from his face as he moved. Hurt, I drew it back into my lap.
“That’s not a good idea,” he said quickly.
My mouth opened and closed repeatedly a few times, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion. “Wh….why?” I eventually managed to ask him.
He was sitting with his back pin straight, his face turned away from me. His jaw was clenched tight as his hands opened and closed into fists at his sides.
“You don’t know me,” he answered. “Like you said before, you don’t even know my name. Or my face.”
“What does…any of that have to do with kissing you?” I asked him, frustration in my voice.
“Because you don’t know who I am!” he snapped back, his tone briefly causing me to jump in surprise.
I swallowed hard, quickly recovering from the outburst. “Look, I’m a big girl,” I told him. “If you don’t want to kiss me, and this was all just some fun late night flirting for you all these years, just fucking say so. Don’t make up bullshit reasons,” I shot back, “about me needing to know who the hell you are. I’m a grown ass woman, fully capable of deciding if I want to kiss someone or not. I know enough about you from all those years we’ve run into each other at night to know how I feel. So don’t–”
His mouth crashed down hard onto mine, effectively shutting me up. His gloved hand roughly cradled the side of my head, tilting my mouth further up towards his. I was in shock for a few seconds, my mind blanking at the fact that Daredevil was actually kissing me, before I recovered. The moment I did, my hands flew up to his face, my palms met with the warm, skin and scratch of stubble on his face while my fingers dug into the strange material of his helmet. The way his mouth was moving against mine was intense, almost aggressive; but there was an undertone to the kiss, a feeling like passion mixed with desperate desire. As if he’d also spent nights wondering what it would be like to kiss me, too.
He abruptly broke away from my mouth moments later, his lips twisted in what looked like pain. His head darted away from me again, his chest and shoulders heaving. I was panting hard with him, my mouth still tingling from where his had just been over mine as I tried to catch my breath.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said suddenly.
I swallowed hard, watching him quickly rise to his feet. My eyes widened when I realized he was about to disappear. I struggled up to my feet, wanting to stop him, but he was already backing away from me, shaking his head.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” he repeated again.
“Why?” I begged him.
He said nothing, just shook his head once more before literally running and jumping onto the roof of the building nearby. My heart squeezed tight before it felt like it dropped to the roof at my feet. I was left standing confused and alone, staring after the direction he’d disappeared in.