Ha!
“Reggie!”
No. It is way too fucking early for Barty to be returning right now. The Sun hasn’t even risen yet.
“Reggieeee!”
Are there certain circumstances under which murder is justifiable? Regulus likes to think so. The cold, hard edge of a knife slicing through the brittle, soft-
The door opens and Barty gracelessly plops down on Regulus’ bed. “You bitch it’s two in the afternoon!”
“What?!” Regulus gets up and finds his phone to check the time, “Fucking hell!” he quickly gets up and runs to the bathroom.
He can still hear Barty speaking through the bathroom door while he’s taking a shower. Jesus Christ. “And I told Lily, why not? Right? He’s the prodigy, the genius, the golden boy; the whole campus will tune in!”
“Barty, I have to come out and get dressed. Get out!” Regulus steps out of the bathroom door.
“Oh, it’s nothing I haven’t seen-“ Barty pauses, “God, you’re sexy.”
Regulus rolls his eyes.
“Is that okay with you?” Barty asks.
“What?” Regulus has already missed two of his morning classes; his attendance is already deep in the ruins of hell, and if he doesn’t keep up now, they’ll send a notice to the devil incarnated. His mother.
“We’re inviting Potter to our podcast as a guest. Are you even listening to me?”
Regulus stills. That asshole, he can die for all Regulus cares. “Looking for incel gym bro audience, are you?”
“Oh, shut it, he’s basically a celebrity here,” Barty sighs dreamily. “Football prodigy and heartthrob- it does not get more main character than that.”
Regulus huffs. A straight cis man playing football- how original! “Do whatever, I don’t care.”
“Good, because Lily and I have already planned everything!” Barty grins. Vicious asshole.
“I have two classes left,” Regulus gets out of his room to leave their flat. “My attendance is so bad.”
“Still having trouble sleeping, then?”
Regulus sighs. “Yeah.”
-
Barty and Lily started their podcast a few weeks ago. Regulus says it’s embarrassing and pathetic, but it’s actually cute and entertaining. No one needs to know that. In their words, Lily brings them all the “feminist, lesbian women” on campus, and Barty brings “all the hippies and the gays.” That is true. Regulus has watched every single one of their episodes because he can apparently do anything but sleep at night. Ugh. His insomnia was supposed to get better with time, but there are no signs of improvement.
He settles quickly in his Economics class. He would never willingly subject himself to a finance degree, but “the heir to the Noble and Ancient House of Black cannot waste time in petty degrees.” At least this way he doesn’t run into his brother, who’s in Hogwarts too but, thankfully, pursuing fine arts. They occasionally do find themselves in the same hall. Same porcelain skin and grey eyes, the same scars and curly hair, yet painfully different people. They can’t even look at each other anymore, to think there was a time when Sirius told Regulus he’d die for him…Hah.
The classes pass excruciatingly slow. He shares his Business Studies class with Lily, he absolutely loves sharing classes with Lily. She is genuinely one of the funniest people in the universe. They walk to the pub nearby together to meet Evan and Barty in comfortable silence.
“Here’s my least favourite duo in the whole world!” Lily says as she goes to hug them.
“Hello to you too, Lils. Mary was asking about you.” Evan says with a smirk.
“I swear to god, Evans, you have one one-night stand with a girl, and they suddenly become your fan!” Barty says way too loudly.
“My tongue’s got magic, people!” Lily skips to flirt with the bartender, Mary, whom she hooked up with a few days ago.
Evan pokes Regulus on the shoulder, “Oi, what’s got your panties in a twist?”
He shakes his head. “Attendance. Sleep. Getting shouted at for three hours by my mother. The usual.”
Barty leans into his personal space, “Evan and I can help with the stress part.” Hm. Before Regulus can even consider the offer, the most obnoxious, pretentious, irritating voice takes over.
“Aye Crouch!” James shouts from the door. This boy has zero manners. But more horrifying than his boorish attitude is the fact that Sirius is with James. Fucking hell.
Barty groans. “Potter! No Crouch please, it reminds me of my shitty father.” James comes and gives Barty a side hug. What?
James greets Evan, “Hey, Evan!” then turns his gaze to Regulus and looks at him up and down. In a rather disrespectful and unexpected move, he ignores Regulus to his face and turns to Barty. “Barty! We still set for tomorrow?” Fucking bastard. How dare he? Regulus hasn’t even done anything to James, he has no right to be so mean to him.
Evan and Barty could sense how angry Regulus was because of the blatant rudeness. He saves them the awkwardness and walks towards the door to leave the pub.
-
James probably thinks Regulus is a racist bigot like the rest of his family. That’s what Sirius seems to think. Who can blame them? Regulus is always bitter, mean, and cold. There is no reason for anyone to like him. He tries not to let it affect him, he really does, but it just hurts. Why can’t Sirius love him? How could he just stop? Does he not remember anything from their childhood? However tainted it may be, it was still theirs.
Amid his disgustingly emotional self deprecating thoughts, he doesn’t realize walking right into someone, “Fuck!”
“I’m sorr-“ It’s Remus! Remus is a new admission into Hogwarts, joined directly in the second semester, and he somehow has an unlimited stash of cigarettes whenever Regulus needs them, exhibit A: right now. “Lupin! Please tell me you have cigs.”
He had shown Remus around campus on his first day here. They instantly clicked. Remus is cool, a classic literature nerd (!!), and eerily perceptive. He always looks like he knows something. It’s almost impossible to hide anything from him. They’ve been meeting and texting casually for months now.
Remus chuckles, “Are you using me for my fags, Black?” He hands Regulus a cigarette. Yay!
“Yes,” Regulus takes a puff. Bliss. “So, how’re you liking Hogwarts?”
“Hot people. Saw a guy in my photography class, and I swear I fell in love.” Remus says as they walk towards the pub. Regulus doesn’t particularly want to go back but it’d be rude to just leave Lupin after he gave him a fag.
Regulus laughs, “No way! Scarred, tall, and badass Remus Lupin is a romantic?”
“I don’t know! I didn’t know I had it in me, he was just so beautiful.”
“You should’ve told me you like men, Lupin, I would’ve snatched you myself before any pretty photographer! Though now that I think about it, you’re not really my type…”
Lupin wiggles his eyebrows. “Too bad, Black, because you’re exactly my type.”
Regulus laughs and swats Lupin on the shoulder, “You go in. I’m gonna go back to the dorms. And well, if it doesn’t work out with Mr. Pretty, come knocking on my door, yeah?” What? Remus is a hot guy!
Remus pauses and looks at Regulus. “Tempting, I’ll keep that in mind,” he tucks a curl that, Regulus hadn’t even realized had fallen out from his bun, behind his ear, “Buh-bye!”
Who would've thought? Lupin is a real player. As Regulus turns away, he thinks he saw Sirius for a second there, looking at them through the glass. Nah. He probably saw his own reflection. He quickly shakes his head and goes back home.
-
It’s night again, and Regulus can’t sleep. He deliberately went to his room early to avoid talking to Evan and Barty. They’ll understand.
He puts on Barty’s podcast’s latest episode titled, “Reading the Most Bizarre Reddit Confessions + Special Guest Announcement!”
He watches the whole thing and checks the time. 3 AM. He tries to close his phone and sleep for an hour but fails. Oof. He has no choice but to take a melatonin tablet.
Dreamless sleep comes fast then, saving him from more self-contemplating hours of being awake.
-
The next day, thankfully, Regulus wakes up in time for his 8 am class. He quickly gets dressed in a soft, grey cardigan and black slacks. As he leaves, he sees Evan and Barth cuddling on the couch, he’s glad they’ve found a soulmate in one another. Though it does help that they’re ridiculously hot together and always open to helping Regulus “relieve stress.”
Finals are around the corner, and Regulus isn’t even nervous. Despite his attendance, he’s not exactly behind in his studies. Living a monotonous life gives a person tons of time to study out of class.
So he goes to his classes, tolerates the disapproving glances he gets from his professors, and finally stops at the cafe nearby that, Regulus swears, has the best espresso in London.
“We have got to stop meeting like this!”
Regulus turns to see Remus standing behind him…in the same clothes as yesterday. He quirks his eyebrow. “Good sleep last night, then? Pretty photographer showed you a good time?”
“I am a man in love,” Remus groans, “I am not even kidding; I genuinely think I’m in love with him. We met two days ago. We’ve never even been on a date! We just shagged yesterday and I freaked the fuck out and left!”
“You idiot! Why’d you leave him? Also, who is this man making men fall in love with him within one night? I ought to take some notes.”
Remus chuckles, embarrassed. “I came here for an education! Not unimportant things like love! His name’s Sirius Black. Do you know him?”
Oh.
Does Regulus know a Sirius Black? Not anymore, no.
It all goes quiet.
Regulus' smile drops. Is this some kind of Karma? Who did Regulus piss off in his past life? For fucks sake. “I gotta go, I just remembered something.” Before Remus can protest, Regulus practically runs out of the Cafeteria.
Of course, if there was someone in the world people instantly fell in love with, it was Sirius Black. No one can deny it. With his playful demeanour, charming eyes, mischievous smile, and beautiful looks, how could anyone resist him? He loves his brother so much, it suffocates him. It causes him so much pain that it ultimately makes him despise him. He blames Sirius for everything wrong in his life. Is that childish and unreasonable? Yes. Does Regulus care? No.
When he reaches the flat, he can hear loud conversations in the living room. Right. The podcast. James Potter (Ew) is here.
“…are the bloke who left my bestmate after fucking him to oblivion, please come back he wouldn’t shut up about you!!!!”
How fucking cringe. And it’s fucking mutual? Regulus still doesn’t know how he’s supposed to process this. His mood’s already ruined because of James Potter’s voice. He still remembers how fucking rude he was yesterday. Simply because he cannot let James think he affects him, Regulus is going to walk in there, sit on the couch where Evan probably is, and listen to their podcast live. He will not give James the pleasure of being affected by him. No.
No one does nonchalance better than Regulus Black.
Regulus drops his bag and his cardigan in his room and walks into the living room. He’s wearing a tight-fitting tank top that shows off all his shoulder tattoos that are otherwise hidden. When Barty sees him, he waves enthusiastically. Regulus grins at him and Lily. He can see James’s face harden. Good.
He grabs a can of soda from the kitchen and plops down on the couch next to Evan. He needs some Evan cuddles right now.
“So James, have you subjected anyone to being in love with you yet?” Lily asks James.
Regulus loves Lily. That’s exactly how he’d put it, too.
James simply laughs. Such a fucking obnoxious prat. “No, thankfully, no one is going through that as of now. I’m not really into dating, to be quite honest. I’d rather focus on going pro with footie, ya know? Occasionally shags are enough affection for me….You interested?”
Lily looks so personally offended at that remark, Regulus almost laughs at the sight. “I need everyone to know right now that I just kicked him under the table for that. You fucker! I am a lesbian, don’t disrespect me like that! It’s supposed to be obvious!”
Barty cackles, “Too bad you didn’t ask me, James. I can show you a good time.” Ew, ew, ew, ew.
James looks way too amused by this, “Well, you’re dating someone already, aren’t you! Otherwise, I would’ve asked right away! And, Evans, I am truly sorry. I just couldn’t resist; you’re beautiful!”
He’s just so disrespectful; does he realize that? Is that how he asks girls out? ‘I love occasional shagging, pls give sex????’ Regulus has never known anyone cornier and more off-putting than James.
Somewhere, somehow, listening to James talk nonsense and cuddling Evan on the couch, Regulus doesn’t even realize when he falls asleep.
-
When he wakes up, it takes him a solid five minutes to remember his name and where he is. Regulus doesn’t remember the last time he slept so peacefully without meds. He doesn’t know what caused it; he’s tried cuddling Evan to sleep before, and it had never worked. Why did it suddenly work? Wait- what time is it? Where is everyone?
Oh god. Did James see him sleep? Why’s that embarrassing? He quickly checks his phone, and it’s five in the morning. Evan and Barty are probably in their room sleeping. Regulus slept for…ten hours… He wasn’t even feeling sleepy after class. Weird.
Well, now that he’s awake, he supposes he can get some much-needed exercise done. Mornings are the best for workouts, the University gym is the least crowded. He gets dressed in his gym clothes, puts on his favourite playlist, and goes to the gym.
Yeah, this was a mistake. It’s been so long since Regulus came to the gym in the morning that he forgot James also does that. He made a mental note to never go to the gym in the morning when this happened for the first time. How could he forget?
James definitely saw Regulus, so now he can’t even leave. Fucking great. He ignores James and goes to one of the treadmills for cardio. There’s a mirror in the gym where Regulus can see what James is doing. And this man should be banned from the gym.
No, James Potter is not attractive to Regulus at all. Everyone with eyesight would disagree, yes, but they don’t know he’s an obnoxious brother-thief! His muscles are just way too large and veiny. His curls are sticking to his forehead. He’s so fucking sweaty. He keeps taking deep breaths because he’s weight lifting. His legs are spread and he’s leaning backwards…fuck. No. Nope. Shut up, brain. His hands are so big-
“Stop staring.”
Fuck.
“I’m not. Fuck off.”
James looks annoyed. Good. “Can’t ever admit the truth, can you?”
Who the fuck does he think he is? “You don’t know me, Potter, shut the fuck up.”
“Oh I know you.” James rolls his eyes and goes back to lifting.
Regulus feels like crying. James hating him means Sirius hates him.
‘Can’t ever admit the truth.’ He was just a child. Walburga had asked Regulus once if he felt abused in the household after Sirius had gone on a rant about how he’d involve the authorities if they didn’t stop hitting him. Regulus said nothing. He should’ve said yes, but he said nothing. Within a week of this incident, Sirius was gone.
Just because the universe hates him, this was the exact time he received a phone call from Walburga. Great! Just fucking great because the only place in the Campus with signal apart from the dorms is the Gym so he can’t even go out. If he doesn’t pick up the phone, Walburga will show up, and nothing could be worse than that. There is no choice.
He stops the treadmill and goes to the corner of the gym, as far away from James as possible.
"Regulus"
“Good morning, mother. Is everything alright?”
"Where are you? Why are you speaking in hushed tones?"
“I apologise. I am at the gym.”
"The gym? What in the god’s name are you doing there? Don’t you have any studies to do? Can you stop wasting away your life?"
“I understand. I’ll go back at once…”
"You’re just so incompetent sometimes; I worry about you. How will you survive being the heir of our House? You have your exams and look at you! You-"
“Mother, I apologise…Please I’m sorry.”
"Quite!" She shouts.
Regulus flinches.
"You worthless waste of a son! Is this why we sent you to get an education?"
“No, mother, I realize I am not worthy of forgiveness. Please give me a chance, I’ll finish the semester being on top of my class.”
"You better. Or you’ll regret it."
She cuts the call. Regulus has chills. He can’t feel himself breathe. He doesn’t want to cry. He won’t. He turns around to see James right behind him on the treadmill. He’s looking at him with shock. Yeah, Regulus can’t deal with that right now. He just picks up his stuff and leaves the gym.
He will study. He will get the highest grade. He will be worth something. He will study. He will get the highest grade. He will be worth something. He will study. He will get the highest grade. He will be worth something. He will study. He will get the highest grade. He will be worth something.
He attends all his classes with this chant echoing in his brain and then goes to the library to study even more. He ignores the calls from Evan and Barty. He just studies. Till dinner time. That’s when he finally texts Barty back.
BCJR
where r u
dead yet
lunch at cafeteria we await thy presence
u actually died??
pedro pascal in campus!! come fas
cant believe taht dint work
regregreg
dinner ready come dorm
if u dont reply to rhis ill send a dick pic
RAB
On my way. Was studying.
BCJR
too late dick pic incoming
RAB
Shush.
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU YOU WEREN'T HERE WHEN WE WOKE UP AND THEN YOU DIDNT EVEN TALK TO US!” Evan screams from the kitchen the second Regulus enters the flat.
Damn. He really needs to get used to people caring about him. “Walburga called.” That’s all he needs to say for both of them to understand his absence and subsequent exhaustion.
“Come on, Evan made pizza.” Barty drags Regulus to the couch. “The new episode is out and we have fucking thirty thousand views. Thirty Thousand. THIRTY THOUSAND.”
Regulus chuckles, “That’s amazing, B.”
“You have to watch it!”
“When have I ever watched your podcast?”
“Um, only every day at night?”
Regulus gasps, “How do you know that?!”
“I guessed” Barty grins, “no fucking way…”
Regulus groans. He’s never going to hear the end of this. Thankfully, Evan joins them now.
“So, something weird happened today…” Evan starts.
Regulus mumbles around the piece of pizza, “... what?”
“James Potter asked about you.”
Oh goodness, no. Please. No. Why? No.
“I’ll kill someone,” Regulus answers.
“And we’ll help but care to elaborate?”
“He was at the gym, he probably heard the entire phone call…it was..bad, to say the least.”
Barty raises his eyebrows. “So he’s... concerned about you?”
“I don’t think so. Whatever, you guys need to keep him away from me. Please. Please!”
“Yes, Reg, of course we’ll try our best, okay?”
Regulus relaxes. They spend the rest of the time watching Friends and eating pizza before going to bed.
When Regulus is comfortably snuggled into his blankets, he puts on the new episode titled “Exclusively In the Pants of James Potter.” Of course, it has thirty thousand views, who wouldn’t want that view? He clicks on the episode.
“Hi peeps!” Cringe. “I’m James, I’m happy to be here with these deliciously sexy people.”
“Oh please,” Barty says, “You’re the most delicious one here. So, James, we’re here with you to ask you inappropriate questions and uncover a side of you that no one knows, you can’t go back now by the way.”
James laughs loudly. “You can ask me anything, really. I’m an open book.”
Lily beams at that, “What is your most embarrassing moment ever?”
“Oh simple, I was in the Tenth Year and got hard on the football field.”
Barty cackles, and even Regulus laughs, “You have to elaborate on that, oh my god.”
“Listen! I was the only tenth year in the team, everyone else was at least two years older than me! I was so intimidated in that changing room, they looked like professional athletes!”
“Wow, you really are an open book. Did they notice?”
James grimaces. “Yeah, mate, that’s what makes it the most embarrassing moment of my life. One of them called my dick a third leg, I nearly killed myself right there.”
Lily laughs so hard she has tears in her eyes, “Okay- Okay, moving on, James, tell us some niche interest of yours!”
“Hmm.. Does Lego count? No right? Uh, I rap when I’m under stress!”
Barty smirks, “Rap for us right now, come on, do it!”
“No fuck no way. I’m horrible at it!”
“No, you’re not! Do it!” Lily urges.
“Fine. Gimme the beat.”
Barty starts beatboxing horribly,
James begins, it is the funniest thing Regulus has ever heard.
"Pull up in the monster, automobile gangsta
With a bad bitch that came from Sri Lanka
Yeah, I'm in that Tonka, color of Willy Wonka
You could be the king, but watch the queen conquer
Okay, first things first, I'll eat your brains
Then I'ma start rocking gold teeth and fangs
'Cause that's what a motherfuckin' monster do
Hair dresser from Milan, that's the monster 'do
Monster Giuseppe heel, that's the monster shoe
Young Money is the roster and a monster crew
And I'm all up, all up, all up in the bank with the funny face
And if I'm fake, I-"
Once again, surprisingly, Regulus doesn’t realize that he has fallen asleep. To James Potter rapping. A Nicki Minaj Song.