Supalonely - BENEE, Gus Dapperton
“Listen, if you’re gonna just stand here and stare at your girlfriends all night like a pervert , me and Kenny can just leave.”
“Yeah dude, maybe chill on the eye-daggers. They’re starting to freak me out.”
Stan turned his gaze towards his two friends. Some friends they were, they clearly couldn’t tell how miserable he was. It’s not like he did this on purpose.
I mean, really, how could anyone expect me to make a decision.
“It’s not like it’s that simple! Screw you guys, go ahead and leave, I gotta talk to them.”
His two friends looked at each other, raising their eyebrows suspiciously at him. “Right… Well, we all know how well that’ll go. Enjoy having no hoes after this dance, loser.” Cartman snickered and pulled Stan’s hat off his head, tossing it to Kenny in an attempt to jostle him.
As Kenny caught it and quickly tossed it back to Stan, he approached. “Listen, dude. You can’t run forever. And I think we all know why you’re finding it so hard to just,” he raised his hands in air quotes, “choose one.”
Stan’s eyes darted away, and he felt a twinge of nervousness in his gut. “No I don’t know what you- what you’re talking about it’s just that I-” He raised his head back up to meet Kenny’s eyes as he was interrupted.
“Stop it. Basically everyone on earth knows about your fat crush on him. Except, maybe for him and you, I guess. You can’t deny it any longer, like you can tell yourself anything you want, but we know the truth. Even if you can’t, like, admit it to yourself or whatever.”
Stan stood, frozen, staring at his friend. His brain scrambled for something to say as his mouth gaped. He cleared his throat and chuckled, “Uh- wow Kenny, that was the most serious I’ve ever seen you, relax a little man.”
Kenny said nothing, staring deeply and firmly at Stan. Stan shivered, feeling like maybe Kenny knew things that he definitely shouldn’t . “I- I mean I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Him? Who, Kyle? Bro you've got it all wrong I’m not-”
“ Yawn , hey Kenny I think I remember seeing some chicks on the way here, wanna find ‘em?” Cartman interrupted this time, smirking and pointing his thumb at the door. Stan’s eyes followed, eyebrows raising in surprise.
There was Wendy, waving goodbye to her dance partner and exiting the dark gymnasium. Stan bristled, Kyle. Backstabber. Why was he dancing with Wendy of all people? He promised he’d go with the group. With me. Stan paused. Wait, that sounds wrong. He wasn't jealous of Wendy , of course. He was jealous of Kyle. He’d been planning on asking Wendy to dance all night, he just couldn’t work up the courage. Kyle had just gotten to her before him.
A nagging voice in his head disagreed. You knew she was about to leave. You were relieved she was gonna leave.
He glanced up at Kyle, now alone again on the dance floor. He wore a small smile on his face and slightly moved along to the music. In his hands was his phone. Who’s he texting? Did he already get Wendy’s number?
Stan’s mouth dropped open as he stood astonished. Kyle. And Wendy. Kyle and Wendy. The image of them actually together, like, together together, rendered him frozen. How could Kyle do this to him?
Images of horrible conversations between his two friends flashed in his mind, and blood rushed to his face. A strange mix of embarrassment and jealousy flooded him. Practically glowing, he tried not to imagine school life with those two… dating.
He shivered. His best friends, two of the smartest kids in the grade- no- the school, together. Without him. Without Stan.
Passing them in the hallways, making out . He cringed. Them sitting next to each other in class. Passing notes. That’s our thing. She doesn’t get to have that.
Closing his gaping mouth and quickly turning away from Kyle, who was beginning to notice his obvious staring, Stan frowned.
He frowned, and the blush on his face built until it threatened tears. His shoulders hunched and he lowered his teary gaze towards the floor. The darkness of the dance floor below him paired with the atrocious choice of song was too much. It enveloped him and he felt a tear fall. Thoughts crowded his brain as he reached up to wipe his tears.
There would be no one left to walk him home from school. No one left to tutor him after he failed a test. No one to text different coloured hearts to in the middle of the night. No one to text after a particularly crazy party. No one to play COD with in the middle of the night while his parents yelled at them to be quiet. No one call his super best friend. No one to… Wait.
No, really, wait. What was that? I mean I’m obviously jealous of… him… I want Wendy. I like Wendy. I want Wendy. Trying to force thoughts about all the times he was with Wendy only caused more thoughts of Kyle to fill his mind. He tried to force them out, willing them away, but they kept returning.
Getting frustrated, he shook his head and took a deep breath. I can’t think about him like this. I’m just confused. I've ignored it once and I can do it again. Kyle is just like a brother to me. A really good friend. My number 1, my ride or die, or wait, that’s wrong too. He’s just- Stan groaned.
He’s had the run-of-the-mill crush on your best friend that every person goes through, but he’s past that. He’s been past that since the 7th grade. He’s been past it since it started, in the middle of 6th grade.
He thought back to the first time he’d experienced these thoughts. Right after a bad break with Wendy. He twitched. He took care of me for the entire weekend. Almost made me stay home, and skip school, too. Felt like he really cared about me. Stan glanced up. Feeling cared about was pretty nice. Especially when it was him.
Wendy had taken care of him occasionally, like a few of the times he'd come down with the flu, but Stan had brushed her off. He was a man, after all, not some crying chick. But somewhere deep down, he felt a small cloud of guilt eating away at his stomach. He'd stopped knowing how to treat Wendy. Maybe he just got too used to her. But, if that was true, how come he never got tired of Kyle? They were basically the same.
Maybe he never knew how to treat Wendy at all.
The stubborn blush on his face refused to disperse, and his neck grew hotter. Where was the air conditioning when he needed it?
Against his better judgement, Stan glanced behind himself again. There was Kyle. His phone had been returned to his pocket to allow room to dance. Stan’s eyes flickered across his velvety suit. The blinding lights circling the floor lit him up in the dark gymnasium. He was practically glowing.
Did Kyle always look this good? It had been so long since Stan had seen his bright, curly hair. He'd seen it, of course, but never really admired it. He felt the urge to run his fingers through the curls. Weird.
But Stan allowed the thoughts to pass through his mind. What was so wrong about admiring a friend? In fact, didn’t Wendy say something about being secure in my masculinity, or something? Whatever it was, it meant that Stan was totally not gay for admiring a dude. His friend. His best friend. Super best friend, actually. Yep. Not gay.
The sight of Kyle's slow but deliberate movements brought Stan’s heartbeat back down to normal, and his blush finally faded. He continued to stare intently at Kyle, who was lightly singing along to the music, and moving gently from side to side to match the tempo.
Stan formed a conclusion. He was totally and completely OK with seeming gay if it was for Kyle. To outsiders, they may seem like it, but Stan was okay with that. He would do a lot for Kyle.
When it was him it was just so… genuine. It was different when it was from him. It was always different when It was from Kyle. Everything about Kyle was different.
The way he felt when their knees touched under the lunch table was different. The way his heart sped up when their faces were too close whilst studying in the library, or at one of their houses. The feeling of waking up entangled with him after a sleepover, morning sunlight hitting them and illuminating his delicate features, was different. He never felt this way with Wendy. Stan knew what friendship felt like. He was friends with a lot of people.
It was different when it was Kyle.
It was different when it was Kyle. Crawling out from the depths of his thoughts, Stan refocused on the dance floor in front of him.
Kyle had noticed his staring. Of course he had, Stan was standing there glaring at him like a creep, after all.
Glancing away and back quickly, Stan waved. He gave a small, sympathetic smile.
Kyle quirked an eyebrow, but slowly waved back. Tilting his head, he mouthed something.
“What’s up? Need to talk?”
Stan nodded and took a deep breath. Squaring his shoulders and raising his chin, he began to walk towards Kyle.
Stan couldn’t let prom night be a bust. Kyle didn’t deserve that.
They were going to talk this out.