Jake walked into the house, happy that the school was finally over. He was unsure why Marc and Steven had forced him to front for the walk home, usually one of them liked to front on the way home. Now that he thought about it, they were being pretty quiet also. Eh, he supposed they were probably tired, it was Friday and school had been so boring today.
Jake walked into the living room and saw that the room was packed with his family. His mom, dad, Aunts Hana, Maya, Sekhmet, Bast, Tefnut, Isis,Taweret, and Anput. Their uncles Selim, Declan, Osiris, Anubis, Horus, Seth, and Thoth. Grandmum Mut and Grandmum Hathor were there along with Grandpa Amun. They were all sitting down. All of the chairs in the house had been dragged into the room, but still a half dozen of their family were sitting on the floor. Food- most likely from Declan- was piled on the coffee table.
“Why are you all here? Who died?” Jake couldn’t think of any other reason everyone was gathered here. Did Marc and Steven know something was wrong, was that why they were so quiet and why they made him front?
“No one died, Jake. We are here today because we love you, and we are concerned about you. Jake, you are an amazing boy, you are so smart and sweet, but some of your behavior lately has us concerned. Jake, your habit of biting has gotten out of hand and we feel that you need help.” Yatzil told the boy the reason why they were all gathered together today. The boy had a bad habit of biting people and gods and he needed help.
“What? I don’t bite that much.” Jake didn't think he bit people that much. He only bit people when he really needed to. It was an effective defense tactic.
“Jake, you bit Declan.” Yatzil told him.
“Five times.” Declan chimed in.
“You bit Mut and Taweret.” Khonshu pointed out.
“You bit the dentist.” Hana told him.
“You bit the Hulk.” Horus stated.
“You bit your teacher, three classmates, and the crossing guard.” His grandpa said.
“Jake, you bit the mailman.” Selim deadpanned.
“Not to mention the random people on the street you bit.” Osiris added.
Ok, when they put it that way, he had bitten quite a few people. And they didn’t know about all of the people he had bitten. He didn’t think they knew about the police officer, the cashier, the thief, or the bus driver. Not to mention the racoon and the dog he bit. Or his cousin Maahes.
“But they all deserved it.” Jake stood by it, they had all deserved what they got.
“The mailman Jake, you bit the mailman. How did he deserve it?”
“He wouldn’t give me my package.” Jake had bumped into him on the way home from school and saw a package with his name on it in the man’s truck. He asked if he could have it, but the man said no. So Jake bit him and ran off with the package.
“Jake, he was just doing his job. You can’t bite someone for doing their job.” Yatzil had explained this to the boy before, but she apparently had to explain it to him again. The mailman refused to deliver to their house anymore.
“Jake, I can’t keep dealing with the legal implications of you biting people. I’m Canadian. I have a license to practice law in Canada, not England. You are going to end up in Juvie if you bite the wrong person.” Selim had been handling the legal side of Jake’s issue for Yatzil, but there was only so much he could do without breaking the law. He really didn’t want to see the boy ending up in jail, or Yatzil having a visit from CPS.
“Jake, Love, people are going to think that there is something wrong with the way I parent you if you keep biting people. You are a child, not a dog.” Yatzil feared the day CPS was called. She had no idea how they had avoided it so far.
“But Mum, biting is ok.” Jake didn’t understand the big deal. Biting was OK.
“No, it really isn’t. Marc and Steven don’t bite.” Khonshu pointed out the obvious to his stubborn little moon.
“But Auntie Sekhmet said that it’s best to bite first and ask questions later!” Jake exclaimed as he pointed at the aforementioned aunt.
Sekhmet, for her part, had the decency to look abashed when Jake brought up what she had told him. She slid behind her husband Seth in an attempt to hide.
“Oh, she did, did she? Would Auntie Sekhmet like to explain that?” Khonshu shot a pointed look at his sister. Of course this was somehow her fault.
“Oh, for! Yes I said that, but I didn't mean literally biting people! I just meant that when you are threatened, it’s a good policy to defend yourself first and ask questions later. Marc and Steven understood me, Jake’s the one running around biting people!” Really, she hadn’t expected him to take her seriously.
“You are no longer allowed unsupervised visits with your Aunt Sekhmet. And Jake, no biting unless your life is in danger. If you bite someone, you will be punished. Got it?” Yatzil couldn’t believe that this whole mess was the fault of Khonshu’s sister. Her son was acting like a rabid dog, for god’s sake.
“Can I still bite Uncle Declan? He makes funny sounds when I bite him.” It was true, the Irish man had a tendency to squeal and start talking in Gaelic when Jake bit him. It entertained Jake and, to some extent, Marc and Steven.
“You little ceann cac! If you keep biting me I won’t bring you baked goods anymore.” Declan went straight for the nuclear threat, withholding his cookies and cakes.
“Sorry. Won’t do it again. Not unless you turn into a zombie. Please don’t stop bringing us yummy food. You’re our favorite uncle. We love you.” Couldn’t lose access to those yummy goodies.
“So are we agreed, no more biting unless it is a true life threatening situation?” Selim asked the boy.
“Ci. No biting unless it is bad people or zombies. Now when we going to talk about Uncle Selim’s sweater problem?”