Chapter 10
I hummed to myself as I swiped through the few social media apps I have, Natasha flipping through a magazine next to me. She had invited me out for a girls' day, and I can honestly say it's been much needed.
We did some brisk shopping around town, got lunch, and now are in the process of getting pedicures. She had even invited Wanda, but sadly she couldn't get away from work for the day.
"Hey, w-what do you think about me getting a haircut?" I spoke suddenly. As if I hadn't been thinking about it for weeks now.
"Hmm, what kind of style were you thinking?" She asked curiously, looking up from her magazine.
"Something short." I avoided her gaze, instead looking down as the woman delicately painted my toe nails. "Short enough that no one can grab it, y'know?"
After a moment of silence, I looked up to find not only Natasha staring at me with sympathetic eyes but the two beauticians working on our feet as well. Natasha's jaw clenched as her eyes seemed to stare deep into my soul.
"Do you think you would like to have short hair like that? A pixie cut of sorts?" She asked softly, her tone earnest.
"I don't know." My hand self consciously touched my hair. Brock always wanted it styled for him. He'd get mad if I had even one strand out of place. "I think I'd feel better. Less anxious."
"Well, your hair is quite long. Maybe we could cut it to shoulder length? Or even chin? Then, if you want to go shorter at a later time, you can," she suggested, reaching over and delicately pushing my hair behind my shoulder.
My body tensed at the movement but didn't quite flinch. I mulled her words over in my head. I could go a little shorter at first. Nothing is stopping me from going shorter later if the first length doesn't help.
"I think I'd like that," I confessed. "Do you go somewhere to get your hair done? When do you think they'd have an open appointment?"
"Let me call my friend, Thor. For me, he'll get you in today, I'm sure." She smiled, squeezing my hand excitedly.
I only nodded in response before turning my attention back to the device in my hand. Just as I felt relief at the thought of cutting my hair, a new type of anxiety began to fill me. What if no one likes it? What if it makes me look ugly.
Brock always said that change is bad. Change brings problems. Change can only bring chaos, it helps no one.
He said that when I wanted a haircut last year. He said that when I asked about maybe getting a puppy. He said that when I suggested that I might get a job to fill my time. He didn't like change. Change made him do bad things.
I tried to hide my nerves as we walked to the salon, Natasha had been right, Thor said he could squeeze me in whenever we got there. He was a loud and boisterous man, his long golden hair pulled back into beautiful braids. He greeted Natasha with what looked like the original bear hug, squeezing her until she couldn't breath. I tensed as he stepped near me, but rather than hug me he gave my hand a gentle shake.
It didn't take him long to wrangle me into the chair after shampooing my hair thoroughly. That used to be my favorite part of getting my hair cut when I was younger. The sweet smelling shampoo being washed not my scalp with the deliciously hot water rinsing it out. Now, I couldn't through the experience without being tense the entire time, scared that he would grip my hair and never let go.
After being brought back to the chair I stared at myself in the mirror, I was finally starting to look like my old self. The way I looked when things were good, and Brock was happy. That old me didn't look like me at all, though. The old me was never me. It was the me that Brock wanted me to be.
I hadn't even noticed Thor walk away from me. I hadn't noticed that he had been asking me questions and brushing my hair. I wasn't brought back to reality until Natasha stood in front of me, blocking my view of myself.
"I think you're having another panic attack, sweetie," she told me, reaching out to hold my hand under the salon cape. "Can you tell me what's going on in that head of yours?"
"I haven't had a haircut since before I started dating Brock, not counting the few times he took me to take care of my split ends." Those trips never ended well. The stylist would always end up taking off, 'too much'. Somehow that would be my fault.
"This is going to be hard for you, Dandi, and I'm so sorry for that. Something as simple as a haircut should be exciting not scary," Nat told me, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Is there anything I can do to help the process?"
I sat for a moment, thinking. "Do you think Bucky would send me a picture of Alpine?"
Natasha looked at me with curious eyes, before nodding, "I'm sure he would."
Thor appeared behind me once more he held up the scissors as if asking if I were ready. I nodded in response and close my eyes, waiting for the first snip. There were a few before Natasha walked back over to me, sitting the phone in my lap. Instead of a picture of Alpine I found the cat on the other end of a video chat.
"There she is Alp! Your favorite girl!" Bucky's voice echoed through the phone, but only the cat was visible.
"Hi, Alpine," I cooed, holding back a giggle as she walked toward the phone, sniffing the camera. "Have you been behaving yourself for Bucky?"
The cat let out a soft mew, purring as she rubbed her face on the phone.
"That's was a blatant lie," Bucky said, turning the camera to face him. "She broke one of my favorite glasses earlier, apparently she just had to knock it off the end table."
Bucky continued to share funny and cute Alpine stories throughout my cut, so much so that I almost forgot that I was getting my hair cut entirely, only remembering when Thor would pull a piece of hair back or cut close to my ears. Before knew it the phone was pulled from my hand and Natasha was telling Bucky that he had to go, that they were ready to style my hair. Natasha took over when it came to sling my hair.
"I don't get to play around with hair too much anymore, let me have my fun," she teased Thor, but I knew she was doing it for my comfort. I appreciated how naturally she took over, not putting me on the spot by asking or even just telling Thor.
It was just a little while later that I was being spun to face the mirror, a gasp leaving my lips at the sight of myself. I looked like a new person. I looked lighter, less gaunt. I didn't realize how much a haircut could do for a person. Where my hair used to fall down my waist, it now sits right above my shoulders, barely touching my shirt.
I immediately shot out of the chair and slung my arms around Natasha neck. I whispered quiet thank yous' into her ear, she responded only by rubbing my back. I even gave Thor a quick hug to thank him, though not nearly as tight and as long as I had Natasha, but I still consider that progress.
As we left the building my phone rang, Steves name blinking on the screen. I answered quickly, excited to tell him about my new cut.
"Hey, Steve!"
"Hey, Dandi," he sighed, "I've got some bad news."