Chapter 9
It's been two weeks since that night in Bucky's apartment. It's been nearly a month since I left Brock. It's been a quiet two weeks. Almost too quiet.
I gave my old phone to Natasha. She looked at the texts that were sent and the voicemails that have been left, with my permission of course. She reassured me heavily that she wouldn't share the information with anyone, not even Steve. I did let my curiosity get the best of me, I had asked what kind of messages were sent. She was hesitant but she gave me something.
The messages were left mostly by Brock, she said. The messages ranged widely from angry to apologetic. From threatening to begging me to come back. There were a few messages from my father, also begging. He wanted me to hear Brock out it seemed.
"Brock was begging?" I asked, eyebrows furrowing as I imagined Brocks face, remembering every other time he had begged for forgiveness and I had succumbed.
"Dandi, he doesn't mean it. The words might be sweet and his apologies might be genuine, but if you go back the cycle will only continue," Natasha had said with a stern tone. She was trying to control the emotions on her face, something she's usually very good at I've learned, but her desperation was leaking through. The tight grip she had on my hand couldn't be hidden. So, I pushed the imaged of sweet and apologetic Brock out of my head, instead imagining him on the night that I left.
I only nodded in response before quietly reassuring her that I understood. She then tried to convince me to finally file a report, or at least filing a restraining order. Even though I would like to stay as far away from a police station as possible, she assured me that she knew the perfect precinct to take me to. She told me about an officer named Sam who she swore on her life was a good man who worked under a captain that would not ignore the corruption that was clearly being built in the NYPD. I only told her that I would think about it, unable to make a decision at the time.
That was awhile ago, only a couple of days after I had told Steve and Bucky everything. I hadn't talked to either of them about going to the police, but I knew that Steve desperately wanted me to. He won't say anything, though. Natasha told me that she had a word with him about pushing boundaries, and she said if that hadn't gotten through to him that Bucky's lecture most definitely would.
I was surprised when she told me about Bucky's lecture. He hadn't tried to stop him during the moment, letting his own curiosity get in the way I assume. Bucky has been very respectful and cautious since I came back, but this was the first I'd heard of him saying something to Steve about it.
Right now everyone is at work, leaving me alone in Steves apartment. I hate these days. These days of silence and overthinking. I can't focus on the TV and if I try to read I only end up reading the same paragraph over and over and over again. Usually I just stare at my phone and think about how I have Brocks number memorized, both his work and cell. I think about how easy it would be to call him and listen to the apologies. How easy it would be to go home to him and know where my place and not have to relearn who I am without him.
So I've just sat here, some sitcom playing in the background while I stare at my phone. The sitcom is older, the laugh-track occasionally being able to grasp my attention. It was something my father had watched when I was little, one of the few good memories I had with him. Every day after dinner we would sit on the couch, him with a beer and me with a bowl of ice cream, and we would watch the few episodes that the tv channel played each night. I watched the tv screen for only moment before finally grabbing my phone. I dialed the number I knew by heart, finger lingering over the call button, I almost took the leap, putting an end to this exhausting experience, before Bucky's voice rang in my head.
"Have you called your ma yet?"
He had asked it that night, the night I told them. I hadn't thought of it since, even though I thought about my mother every day. Steve talks to her almost every day, so I know she knows what's happening to some degree, but am I ready to talk to her? Slowly, I deleted each of the numbers, one-by-one. Instead I let my thumb click on the contacts and swipe until I saw the name Mom staring at me from the screen. Without letting myself think twice, I pushed the call button.
The phone rang, one, twice, and just before the third ring could start, the call picked up.
"Hello?" My moms sweet voice called through the speaker. "Is that you, Dandi? This is the new number Steve gave me."
"Mom," I spoke only the word before I broke down crying. I had to make myself take deep breaths to keep myself from hyperventilating I was crying so hard. "I miss you, Mom."
"Oh, sweetie, I miss you too! How are you? Steve told me you moved in with him, I've been so worried. I know how your brother can be sometimes," she rambled, letting the word vomit fall from her mouth. I couldn't help but laugh at her concern of Steve, remembering how she used to yell at him for teasing me.
"Things are alright," I whispered, picking at the blanket that laid across my lap, wishing it was one of the soft ones that Bucky had at his apartment. "I really just screwed things up, Mom. I'm a mess."
"Now don't you talk like that," she scolded and I could just picture her pointing a finger at me with an eyebrow raised. "You've done nothing wrong, sweet girl! Okay, you've been dealt some shitty cards, but you can get past that. It's okay to throw your cards away and to start a new game entirely."
"I wish I could hug you right now."
"Well, there's nothing stopping me from coming right over. How about I stop at the store on the way and I can make you your favorite, my famous meatloaf?" There was so much hope in her voice and I could feel my stomach growing warm at the thought of being in my mothers arms right now.
"Please?" I asked softly.
"Perfect, I'm already in the car."
After jumping up and tidying the apartment it felt like only moments until she was here. She didn't have to knock, instead using a spare key, and as soon as heard her footsteps I was collapsing into her arms. While I had been able to calm myself down as I waited for her, that hadn't been able to stop the tears from flowing the moment she held me. Her familiar touch and the smell of peppermints encompassed me as we embraced, and it filled me with nostalgia.
Eventually we found ourselves on the couch and I was telling her everything, more than I had told anyone else so far. We both cried and she had hugged memory times then I could count. I was right in assuming that Steve had already told her some things about my situation, but that didn't seem to stop the shock she felt when I told her myself.
"I know it's not my business or decision, but I think you should talk to Sam. I've met the young man before, he's quite close with Bucky and Steve. He would do everything he could to help you." She told me, gently pushing some hair away from my face.
"Maybe," I said, looking down at my hands, "I just don't know if I'm ready yet."
"And that's perfectly fine." She smiled. "Now, what do you say we get started on dinner?"
Cooking with my mother was just as nostalgic as she played eighties music and micromanaged my cooking even though she kept promising that she trusted me. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me as her skeptical eyes watched me measure out the seasonings. My mother was many things, but relaxed in the kitchen wasn't one of them. Eventually I just sat down, choosing to watch the instead and letting my mother do what she knew best.
She was just pulling the food out of the oven when Bucky and Steve showed.
"Ma! I didn't know you were coming over today!" Steve quickly wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a bear hug.
"My sweet girl invited me!" Mom laughed into his chest before swatting him once on the butt. "Get off now, I have another boy to hug!"
Bucky laughed as he held his arms open, waiting for her to wrap hers around him. They hugged for a moment and then my mom pulled away and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He had to lean down because of his height and the sight of it made a smile grow on my face.
"Now, let's eat!" My mom cheered, pulling plates down from the cabinet. The boys bantered with each other as my mom lectured for them to watch their mouthes and to behave at the table.
I knew I made the right decision the moment I fell into my moms arms, but the proud smile that Bucky kept giving me throughout dinner made everything up to this point feel worth it.