Chapter 8
Ex wife? A fucking wife? You weren’t ready to hear that, for a moment you felt disassociated from the reality, you didn’t want to believe that he actually married someone once, that he loved someone so much that he wanted to stay together forever but as you looked at their teary eyes and loving glances you knew your life was about to be disheveled again and that’s when you started to feel angry, how dare he kept this hidden from you?
“Hey lokes” she smiled at him so he walked towards her, he seemed shocked but you could tell he was affected by her presence, affected in a way you didn’t like.
“Jo” he whispered softly as he pulled her in for a hug.
He even had a nickname for her. She didn’t have to make herself taller to reach him, she was the perfect height, you couldn’t deny that they looked good together, the more you watched them embracing each other the worse you felt about yourself and then you got even more upset. Why did he hide this from you?
“What are you doing here?” He asked her as he pulled away first so she took a step back
“I – you changed your number and everything, you asked Steve to not tell me but he caved in this time” she looked behind at you so you gave her the fakest bitchiest smile you could have offered “I just ..Steve told me about Odin and it worried me, I was worried loki” she sniffled as she spoke and you wanted to smack her for no reason. Well to be fair being Lolo’s ex was enough of a reason.
“You’d be safe, Steve gave me his word, you shouldn’t have come here, you’re not safe here” she shook her head as he said that.
“I wasn’t worried about myself Loki” Her voice choked as she was fighting back tears, you couldn’t stop staring at his face. What happened between them? Why did he marry her? And why weren’t they together anymore, you have been with him for 4 years so it all must have happened before that.
“I have to be at work on time so you guys can probably carry on this heartfelt reunion later? No offense to you Joleeene” you glared at both of them so loki gave you eyes, he never wanted this to come out because he knew you’d react abruptly and pretty immaturely. There wasn’t any point either, it was all in the past and they both had moved on or so he thought, why did she come to him after all these years? That’s what he couldn’t comprehend.
“Come with us, you can’t stay here” Loki told her so she nodded, your eyes rolled back into your head, you felt hurt, frustrated and you really wanted to yell and scream but now wasn’t the time. On the set even Peter was ignoring you for some reason but that was the least of your concern at the moment, you couldn’t stop obsessing over the fact that his gorgeous ex wife that you had no clue of -had returned and seemed besotted with him still. You could tell she wanted him again, you could just tell and you also knew that if he chose her once he could very well do it again especially if he wasn’t the one to break that relationship.
“So that’s y/n? Your y/n?” Jolene asked him so he looked at you, he knew you were feeling upset and he really wanted to explain it all to you but he had a feeling you won’t understand.
“When I was yours I was only yours Jo.. you know that"
"I know ..that’s not what I meant lokes..I just..I know you always wanted to get her out of that orphanage after everything that had happened..she was always there in your head"
"She was…she was just a child that needed to be protected and everyone around her failed her..me as well"
"You’re doing what you can..don’t blame yourself ” He nodded as she said that
“She’s not a kid though now is she?"
"Ohhh you haven’t seen her throwing her usual kiddish tantrums” he chuckled but she didn’t find it in the least bit amusing.
“You know what I mean"
He sighed as she said that, she was the last person with whom he wanted to discuss his feelings for you. Or how important you were to him.
"Why are you here jo?” He asked her softly and she smiled at him, she placed her hand on his and he hesitated for a moment, he wasn’t used to this anymore, he haven’t allowed anyone except you to hold him like this, it was always sexual or lustful in the way he chose to interact with women.
“I have missed you ..I have missed us, these past few years, I …I thought I’d be happier ..that I’d move on and it would get easier but everytime I even got closer to having what we had with each other..I ..I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, you were there always" he chuckled as she said that.
"You can’t just come here and say that to me..my life isn’t the same anymore ” her eyes teared up at the harshness of his tone.
“I see that Loki..so acting business? What’s up with that?” she pulled her hand away and changed the topic of conversation as she looked at you.
“That’s her escape I guess, and she’s so good at this” she didn’t say anything as he complimented you.
From the distance you couldn’t hear anything but you didn’t like the long lost lovers type of glances they were giving each other. As the day got done with, he took you both home, you didn’t miss how she sat at the front so you won’t. You had hated his flavors of the night with such passion before even though they only had him temporarily so knowing that this woman used to be his wife and someone he put a ring on made you want to commit a crime.
As you reached the apartment you glared at him, you weren’t able to keep it in any longer. He took his jacket off and placed it on the couch, he just wanted to forget this day as if it was a nightmare.
“Can I talk to you? Or do you want to continue the reunion still?” His jaw clenched as you snapped at him, he grabbed your arm and took you to your room then he closed the door as if that would stop your voice from reaching her.
“Calm down alright?” He could tell you were about to go off on him so he wanted to diffuse the situation as best as he could.
“Calm down? When the fuck you were going to tell me that you had a whole fucking wife?” You raised your voice at him so he walked towards you and as he got closer you started to punch him in the chest purely because of how hurt you felt in the moment
“Lower your voice and stop hitting me.. alright?” He grabbed both of your wrists and pulled you closer but you couldn’t stop squirming, you wanted him to hold you but you felt betrayed, you had no right to but you still did.
“I hate you so much ..you’re such a liar” you cried and screamed all at once so he dragged you with him and made you sit down on the bed,
“Stop struggling I don’t want to hurt you y/n" he raised his voice even further but that didn’t intimidate you, not today.
"Ohh you think this hurts me? Nooo you hurt me with all the lying"
"Honestly my life is mine, it’s none of your business so can you behave for once?" he snickered after he finished his sentence. Jerk. How were you in love with him?
"You fucking hate me don’t you, that’s why you keep doing this to me?” His jaw clenched as you said that, maybe he hadn’t treated you right but he never wanted you to feel as if he hated you.
“Let go of my hands"
"Are you going to hit me?"
"Noooo” you sniffled so he let go but you started to hit him again so he grabbed your hands again and pinned you under him on the bed
“God you’re such a child..when will you grow up y/n huhh?"
"It hurts..it hurts” you couldn’t even let your words out because your throat was starting to close up, you felt heartbroken, there was no other name for this feeling.
“Whyy hmm? I’m not your boyfriend you know that right, I don’t have to tell you everything about my life and this is exactly why I never told you.. look at you, acting like a 4 year old” you started crying harder as he said that “And You think I hate you? Do you think you’d be here if I hated you? You wanna know who actually hated you? Your own fucking daddy.. remember him?"
As soon as he said that, everything stopped, you stopped crying, you stopped squirming, you stopped moving, you just stared at him all dumbfounded, you couldn’t even believe that he said that, he knew that would hurt you in the worst possible way.
As he watched you go motionless suddenly he knew he had fucked up, he knew the way things were going someday he’d ruin whatever affection you two had left amongst you and what he just said to you was uncalled for. He let go of your hands immediately and got off the bed, in a moment he was out of your room, that’s when you finally allowed yourself to break down.
"Want to join me for dinner?” He grabbed his jacket from the couch and Jolene looked at him at the offer, she didn’t know what happened between him and you and if she was being honest with herself she didn’t care either, you were one of the reasons why he never allowed himself to move on and heal from the trauma of his father and abuse he had to torment, even when he tried to move on and heal, he’d hear something about you and that would bring him back to where he started from, she absolutely came here thinking that making her way back into his heart wouldn’t be so hard, he needed love and she can give him that.
“Are you okay?” She asked him softly as she sat down on the passenger side so he hummed in response. He wasn’t okay, he was cruel to you just now and you didn’t deserve that, you didn’t deserve his cruelty today, you both were possessive about each other and he wasn’t unknown to that fact but a part of him never really believed that you were in love with him or could ever be.
Lust? Yes absolutely. Dependency? Hundred percent. But love? He didn’t think you were in love with him, he didn’t think you even knew what it meant.
He felt Jolene’s fingers caressing his scalp and that made him flinch so she stopped doing it immediately.
“I know I’m not forgiven Loki and I don’t expect to be forgiven so easily either but–"
"Let’s not discuss that okay? Can we not do that?” He asked politely so she nodded.
He took her to a diner and he still remembered all her favorites, she couldn’t have been happier.
You cried until you couldn’t cry anymore. It’s been more than an hour since he left, not only did he dismiss your feelings so casually but he also took his ex out for dinner. You tortured yourself as you thought about them laughing and having fun with each other, maybe he was kissing her, maybe he would realize that he had missed her all this time and he’d want to go back to her, where would that leave you? Where would you go? You could never give your heart to a man ever again, not the way you gave yourself to Loki, he didn’t have your body but he had your whole heart and your soul belonged to him, he was irreplaceable in your life, he always has been but he chose her to be his, he put a ring on her, he asked her to marry him, he wanted her forever and maybe he never moved on, could be one of the reasons why he never wanted to fuck you.
“What is that?” She pulled his shirt down a little as the bruises were starting to peak from underneath.
“You know what that is” he winked at her and it made her flush, during their time together sex wasn’t something she could ever complain of, it was pure heaven with him, he took her and pleasured her in ways she have never experienced before, she didn’t get the same satisfaction with anyone else after him, no men could treat her the way he did.
“I haven’t made love to anyone since you” he mumbled nonchalantly and she couldn’t help but blush at the statement.
“Don’t tell me you have been celibate since our …ummm–"
"Divorce?"
"Uhhh…no..since the last time we slept together..that was way after–"
"Our divorce..I remember that night..I mean i get around that’s not what I meant"
And that’s when she realised what he meant, he fucked other people but he didn’t make love to them.
"I uhh–"
He clicked his finger to get the waitress’s attention which cut her off mid speech. She could see the scared, vulnerable Loki in him still but she also knew he had created this hard cold exterior now. His whole demeanor had changed.
"Can I get mac n cheese for the go?” He asked the waitress so she smiled.
“Sure sir, anything else?"
"Nope..thank you darling ” he winked at her and Jolene could see how flushed she had gotten. Loki had a way with women, he always did.
“For y/n I suppose?"
He hummed as she questioned him. As they drove back home he felt utterly confused, where was he supposed to leave Jolene? Her safety was his responsibility now, if something bad was to happen to her he’d never forgive himself, so he took her back to the apartment.
"I can find a hotel or something…I don’t want to intrude" She wanted to stay with him but she wanted him to make her stay.
"Don’t worry, it’s all fine, I can be a host for my ex wife” he chuckled as he said that then showed her his room and told her to get freshened up or do whatever she wanted. He really didn’t want to complicate this situation more than it already was.
“Can we sit and talk?” She asked him as he was almost out of the door.
“Sure..just have to do something else first” she nodded as he said that, even though it bothered her alot that he was going to see you. She never liked you, especially considering the drama you kept getting involved in while at the orphanage. Everytime you got in trouble, Loki was informed d about it and it disrupted their lives. Even now you acted like a child, how was he even tolerating you? she knew all about your past and she knew you needed professional help, you weren’t good for Loki and his mental state especially now that Odin had escaped and she really wanted you far away from him, she didn’t want Loki to get hurt again.
As he entered your room with a warmed up bowl of Mac n cheese he found you bundled up under the blanket, curled up like a ball, he could hear you sniffling and his heart clenched. He placed the bowl on the bedside drawer then he tried to take the blanket off you but you were clutching onto it tightly.
“Y/n? Get up you need to eat” his voice was stern but soft. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore. He didn’t want you to leave him.
“Noooo..go away..I hate youuu..I hate you” the sound of your cries broke his heart so he grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it off your body with a little force this time. Your swollen tear soaked face would keep him up tonight.
“You don’t hate me..you don’t mean it ..I know that” he whispered as he leaned over you, his fingers wiped your tears and then he leaned even closer to kiss your forehead.
“I didn’t mean to hit you…I’m sorry I’m sorry.. I’m sorry if I hurt you” you sobbed excessively and that made his eyes tear up too.
“I know that.. now you’re going to stop crying and listen to me okay ?" you shook your head as he said that.
"I just…wanted…a hug..I just… I was scared..so scared" That was it for him today, that’s what made him want to drop the facade even if temporarily.
"I know I know baby I’m sorry I’m so sorry sweetheart.. I’m sorry…I’m really sorry” your crying stopped suddenly as he apologized, when he stormed out of your room tonight you weren’t expecting him to return to you, you were expecting him to fuck Jolene and run off with her, you definitely didn’t even think for a second that he’d come back- not just with your comfort food but also the warmest apology, something that you hardly ever got from him.
“You are?” You sniffled and that made him smile for some reason.
“I am.. I shouldn’t have said what I said.. and I shouldn’t have kept it hidden, it just…it didn’t matter anymore okay? I didn’t see the point, I knew you’d react like this and I wanted to avoid this"
Your fingers played with the fabric of his shirt as he spoke to you. Soo soft .He was being soft and you wanted to enjoy it because you knew it wasn’t going to last for long.
There were so many questions you had about Jolene but you didn’t want to upset him, not when he was being like this
"Sit up now okay, you need to eat” he mumbled as he grabbed your arms and made you sit up.
“Is she here?” He sighed as you questioned him .
“It’s not safe out there…not anymore, I need to find a safer place for her"
You nodded as he said that. You can’t just expect him to throw his ex wife out of the house when his murderous abuser father was roaming free. If Odin had any clue he’d definitely try to harm her to get to him.
He brought the fork next to your mouth so you snapped out of your thoughts and took the bite.
"Did you eat?"
"I did..yes"
You crawled closer to him and in a moment you were on top of his lap, clutching onto him like a starved cub, and he didn’t push you away either, he held onto you instead.
"You chose her..you loved her, you asked her to marry you..she must be so important, then where does that leave me?” You could barely form a sentence as the tears made it near impossible.
He held the back of your neck with his palm and pulled you away so he could make you look at him
“I did choose her, I did love her but I didn’t ask her to marry me, she did. It was her..she was all in as well.. and then she wanted an out so I let her go, and it hurt, it really did but I lived and I promised myself that I won’t allow myself to feel so much again and I kept that promise, I’m going to keep that promise because it’s me and you for all damn life now you hear me? I’m not going to leave okay?” You nodded as he said that then you hugged him as tightly as you could.
After dinner he made you brush your teeth, he changed your clothes and he made sure you weren’t crying anymore.
“Sleep with me please” you mumbled but he shook his head
“Not tonight..be a good girl okay?"
You nodded as he said, you didn’t agree but what option did you have here? You knew you’d stay up all night thinking of them fucking each other.
What he said to you today wasn’t the complete truth, he wanted to tell you that he had given up, that he felt so empty when she broke his heart, that he wanted to die and he even tried to but then he remembered what he had to live for, he clearly remembered the night and the message he had gotten from Rogers, reminding him of your coming 18th birthday, that moment saved his life, he had realized that he’d fail you again if he was to leave you all alone here.
Not again, he’d never ditch you like that, your initials on his scarred wrist that he had gotten engraved was the proof of his love for you, he got it done for his own sanity and every moment where the fear overwhelmed him and need to give up heightened he just looked at your name and he was reminded that he had something and someone to live for now.
He had you and you were his whole world, and nothing would ever take him away from you.
But you didn’t need to know that right?
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚