Chapter 16
Over the next month, Clint, Natasha, and I decorated around the compound for Christmas. It was decided at Thanksgiving that we would spend Christmas at Tony and Pepper’s house, but we still wanted to decorate the compound.
At the same time, we were trying to figure out what to get everyone. Clint insisted that I didn’t need to get anyone anything whenever I asked him for ideas, and Natasha was too busy getting hers together for me to even ask her. So, the next time Steve came over, I asked him to take me to the craft store.
“What are you making? If I’m allowed to ask,” he asked on the way.
“I have an idea, but it’ll only work if they have everything here,” I said. “I always made my Christmas presents for my family, so I’ve got a few ideas.” I hoped that would be enough for Steve, and he seemed to take it. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out the logistics; I knew I would need eight glass frames, but I wanted to make them personalized to everyone, which would be difficult for the ones I hadn’t spent much time with.
“Oh, I’m also going to need some pictures developed, but that can come a little later. I need to figure out which ones to use first,” I said after we finished shopping. Thankfully, they had everything, so it was just a matter of figuring out what picture and song to use.
You know when you listen to music on your phone, and it shows the album cover with the “progress bar” underneath it? That’s what I wanted to make.
I finally got everything figured out and wrapped two days before Christmas. We left for Tony and Pepper’s on Christmas morning, and we opened the presents after lunch.
Somehow, all of us had the same idea; we all did something very similar for everyone, but it was customized to each person. May gave us each a recipe.
“They’re some of Peter’s favorites,” she said. “He would beg me to make him something every night.” When Tony looked at his recipe, I thought he was going to start crying. Happy went next, giving us each a gift basket. Mine had candy, popcorn, a couple of movies, and a hat and glove set. After Happy, Pepper handed out double fleece blankets that she had made for all of us. We each had different patterns of fabric; mine were simple- a solid purple on one side and black and white chevron on the other. Tony’s gift was a mixtape for each of us, and Rhodey’s was our name embossed on the spine of a journal.
I went next, giving everyone their song frames, explaining what it was as I handed them out.
“Full disclosure,” I began, “I had no idea what song to use for some of you, so this took me longer than I was expecting it to. I wanted to pick a song that I associate with you, but I don’t know some of you as well as others, so sorry if they offend you or if you don’t like the song I picked.” I sat back down and watched as everyone opened them. Clint spent the most time looking at his before thanking me, as if he were trying to figure out why I chose it for him.
“Magic?” he finally asked, and I nodded. “Like-”
“Yes, Clint. The song Laura and my mom both learned at camp.”
“But, why?” I scoffed and smiled.
“Think about it, Clint. I had not heard that song for four and a half years before you sang it to me my first day at the compound.” He thanked me profusely, then Steve gave out his gifts.
“I don’t know how many of you know this about me, but I used to draw all the time. During the war, if we weren’t actively fighting, I was drawing. So, I decided to make a drawing for each of you.” I opened mine and gasped softly; it was me, my parents, my step parents, and Charlie, along with the Avengers. I looked at Steve, my eyes full of tears.
“When we went to visit the cemetery, you said you wished they were still here. You knew that would mean that you never would have met us, and I knew we couldn’t bring them back, so I wanted to bring them here.” I smiled and thanked him, trying not to cry.
“Mine is pretty similar to Steve’s, so I’ll go next,” Clint said, standing up. “I took up photography when I was younger, and it just stuck. So, I just have a picture of places that remind me of everyone. Like Alex said, some of them were easier than others, so sorry if you think they’re wrong.” I opened mine and sat in shock; it was my house. There were no cars in the driveway, and it looked like it came from a real estate listing.
“When did you take this?” I asked.
“The first time we were there, when Steve took you to the daycare center. I wasn’t sure if or when you would come back to that house, so I wanted to make sure you had something.” I thanked him profusely, kicking myself for not even thinking to take a picture before we left.
“I guess that leaves me,” Natasha said, handing out her gifts. “Most of you have gotten these before, so yours aren’t as big as other people’s.” I looked at Clint, confused, and he just smiled, knowing what was coming. Of course he knows what’s coming. If she does this every year, he’s probably got ten of these, whatever they are.
Scrapbooks. She made us scrapbooks. I was shocked; somehow, she had found pictures of my parents with Darren, pictures I had never even seen before. She had also managed to find pictures of when Charlie and I were babies.
“How-“ I said softly.
“Don’t question it,” Clint whispered. “She won’t tell you anyway. I don’t know how she got half the pictures she puts in mine every year.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon watching Christmas movies, playing board games, and looking through our scrapbooks. We left late that night, so we went straight to bed when we got back to the compound.
I couldn’t get to sleep that night; the holidays have never been easy since my parents died. This year hit me harder, since it was the first one since I lost my step-parents and Charlie. I knew that it was something that I would have to learn to live with, and the holidays were something I would have to learn to enjoy without them. I was just glad I wasn’t alone; I had the Avengers right there, and I couldn’t be more thankful for them.
New Year’s Eve was a little smaller; everyone but May and Happy came to the compound for the night. Dinner was finger food and appetizers, and we went outside around midnight to watch the firework display Tony set up.
As soon as the first firework went off, my chest tightened and my hands started shaking. I needed to get away, and fast, but I also didn’t want them to stop celebrating. I walked back into the compound as quickly as I could without being too obvious that something was wrong. I knew a panic attack was coming, and I needed to get back to my room. Ove I got there, I could stop holding everything back.
As soon as I got to my room, I sat on the floor in my closet, crossed my legs, and clenched my fists.
I have no idea how long I sat like that, but I heard my door open at some point. I didn’t have the energy to look at the door to see who it was. The next thing I knew, Tony was sitting on the floor in front of me.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said. “Look at me. Give me your hands.” I shook my head; as much as I wanted to, I couldn't get myself to put my hands in Tony’s. He seemed to understand, because he grabbed my hands and nodded. “Deep breaths. Do you want me to go get Clint?” I shook my head furiously. “Okay, it’s just you and me, right here, right now. You are safe. Deep breaths.” He slowly nodded his head, and I slowed my breath to match his. “There you go. Can you talk?” I shook my head; anything beyond yes or no questions took too much brain power. “Okay. Do you want me to talk? If you say no, I’m still gonna sit here.” I nodded. He thought for a minute, then started talking again.
“When I was a kid, our butler would do this thing with me whenever I hid under my bed or in my closet. He’d bring me two of my toys and we’d play this or that. It always worked for me, and it seemed to work for Peter, so it might work for you. Can I try it?” I nodded. “Okay, if it’s the first thing I say, tilt your head to the left, and if it’s the second thing I say, tilt your head to the right. Pancakes or waffles?” Left. “Movies or music?” Right. “Museum or park?” Right. “Sunrise or sunset?” Left.
We did that for probably fifteen minutes. It was simple, but it worked; Tony never let go of my hands, and I eventually relaxed. I stood up and thanked him before going to bed. Before I went to sleep, I looked at my phone and answered the text from Clint.
Clint:Are you okay? I didn’t see you head back inside earlier.
Me:I think I had a panic attack. Tony talked me through it.
Clint:Do you need anything from me?
Me:Nah, I’m good. I’m just exhausted so if you could just let me sleep in tomorrow, that would be great.
Clint:Can do. I’ll make sure no one else bothers you, either.
The next day, I finally woke up around 2 in the afternoon to texts from all of them, making sure I was okay and asking if I needed anything. I ignored them all and rolled back over, not even having the energy to answer them.
I’d had panic attacks before, but they’ve never wiped me out like this one did. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out why this one was so much worse than the other ones I’ve had, and it hit me that evening.
Me:Hey, Tony. Are you guys still here?
Tony:We were just getting ready to leave. What’s up?
Me:Can you come in here for a minute?
Before I knew it, there was a knock at my door.
“Come in.”
“Hey, Kid. What’s goin on?” Tony said as he sat down on my bed.
“What do you do when you get hit with a memory?” I asked, my back still facing him.
“I’m not sure I follow.” I sighed and rolled over to face him.
“The panic attack I had last night. I brought up the memory of my car accident. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to do anything today.” Tony took a deep breath and sighed.
“It depends on the situation. Usually, I’ll head down to my shop and work on stuff. Sometimes, if it’s a really bad memory, I’ll just sit in it; I just don’t have energy to do anything sometimes. I know none of us were there when you got in your car accident, but you can still talk to any of us about it.” I smiled a little, knowing what he meant but not really wanting to talk to anyone in that moment.
“I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now. I just didn’t know what to do.”
“All of us have had panic attacks before, and we all have our own strategies to deal with them. I know Steve draws, Rhodey goes to his workshop, Nat does ballet, and Clint does photography. Then, when we’re ready, we talk about it. Now, it may take time for you to find that thing, but we’re all willing to help you find it.”
“I think I might already know what it is. I haven’t done it in awhile, but I’ve been meaning to get back into it.”
“That’s great,” he said. “Do you want to do it today, or is today just a personal day?”
“Definitely a personal day,” I smiled. “Besides, it’s kind of hard for me to paint if I don’t have canvases or anything.” His face seemed to light up when I mentioned painting.
“You know what? I think I have an idea. I’ll come back sometime and take you shopping for supplies. Meantime, promise me you’ll talk to Clint about what happened?” I nodded, smiling.
As promised, I talked to Clint about New Year’s Eve and what Tony said. We were walking in the woods around the compound, and it felt good to talk about it in such a casual way.
“I know we’ve talked about the accident before, but the fireworks brought it back to me.”
“I was wondering what was going on. Are you okay now?” I sighed and shrugged.
“I guess? I’m better than I was yesterday, if that means anything. I guess I just never realized how much my subconscious held on to that day. I didn’t even think it held on to that day at all.”
“When you go through shit and don’t think about it a lot, it tends to get buried until something triggers it. You’ve been so focused on your recovery and the aftermath of the accident that your brain repressed the memory of the accident itself.”
“I don’t even know where to begin processing it.” I started to feel tears forming in my eyes, and I wiped them away before Clint said anything about it. We found a downed tree and sat down.
“You talk about it,” he said. “And more than we have been. It’s hard, and it’s going to hurt, but you need to talk about exactly what you remember.” I sighed and rubbed my thighs. He was right; as much as it was going to hurt, I needed to do it.
“You picked up the phone, and I got hit right after. It felt like when you’re on a really old roller coaster, and it jolts you forward and stops on a dime. But, this also flung me into a pole. I heard you calling my name, then everything faded out. Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.”
“You heard me?” his voice cracked. I looked at him and nodded, both of our eyes full of tears. “I had no idea.”
“I was so scared when I woke up. I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know what I was hearing, and I just wanted Charlie. I hoped it was just a nightmare, but I couldn’t wake up from it. I guess in the midst of everything that was going on, I just repressed that memory. At least, I did until the fireworks.
“In the past, when I’ve had panic attacks, Charlie was always there, and he always knew how to get me through it. I don’t know how, and I never asked, but he knew. Every time I would get even the slightest bit overwhelmed, he knew how to calm me down to avoid the attack. He knew every trigger, and he helped me avoid it. I guess this one just hit me worse because I didn’t have him there to help me.” He sighed, almost in defeat.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like that.”
“You’re joking, right? I’m not blaming you for something you didn’t know about. I never told you about this before, and I should have. If anything, it’s my own fault. I should have told you about it as soon as we knew they weren’t coming back.”
“Okay, how do I help you if and when it happens again?” I shrugged.
“The one thing I picked up on is getting out of the situation as soon as I possibly can if I can’t avoid it. Obviously, avoiding it if possible. I didn’t even think about the accident or fireworks. I assumed it would be fine.”
“Well, now we know to avoid them in the future. Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to avoid roller coasters, too.” I chuckled and agreed. We kept talking for a few more minutes before heading back to the compound.