Chapter 17
The day before the anniversary of my parents’ death, I got a text from Tony.
Tony:Are you busy tomorrow? If not, I’ll take you shopping for paints and stuff.
“Are you sure?” Clint asked when I showed him the text. “I mean, I know tomorrow probably won’t be a good day for you. If you want to just stay home-”
“No, I’m good. I think the distraction will be good for me. Besides, Tony has already helped me through a panic attack, so he knows what to do if it happens again.” I knew the chance was pretty high; this would be the first year I wouldn’t go sit with them, and I was worried about being in a store with so many people. Granted, we’d be going in the middle of a Tuesday, so most people would be either at work or school, but I was still a little anxious.
I literally had nothing to worry about; it was such a calm trip, and Tony quite literally gave me free reign over what I wanted to get at the craft store.
“Why are we at the hardware store? I told you I just needed to go to the craft store.” He put the car in park and smiled.
“Let me ask you a question, Alex. Does the compound seem a little… plain to you?” I shrugged and looked at him confused.
“I mean, a little. But, that was the point of it, wasn’t it? It wasn’t exactly designed for long-term living.”
“Maybe at first. But, at this point, I think we can both agree that its purpose has changed recently. It needs a little bit of a facelift. What do you say?”
“What, you mean I can paint the compound?” There’s no way he’s actually letting me do this.
“Just the inside. When we get back, I can show you what places you can paint.” He’s actually letting me do this. “Let’s just get some swatches and samples today. When you figure out a plan, we’ll come back and get whatever you need.”
We spent the next hour just looking at paint colors. The entire time, I was racking my brain with ideas of how to paint whatever rooms Tony would let me while he was grabbing swatch after swatch for me. When we got back to the compound, we went around and decided what rooms I could paint.
“Obviously, you have free reign over your room. The spare rooms are also yours to play with, and so is mine. If Clint, Nat, and Steve want theirs painted, you can have those too. Just leave the lab, kitchen, and meeting room. Bruce would kill you if he came back and saw the lab all painted.” I laughed, still shocked at how much freedom Tony just gave me.
“How is he doing, by the way? I haven’t heard from him in a while.” I hadn’t heard from him since the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, when I asked him about Thor.
“He’s good. He’s getting some sun and relaxation in Mexico. After everything happened, he needed a break. I go see him every once in a while, help him get settled in.” He deserves it, I thought. I had been told very briefly what he had been through after Ultron and Sokovia, but I knew that was only part of the story, and I didn’t feel close enough to Bruce to ask him about it. Tony left not long after that, and I went to the kitchen table to start brainstorming ideas. As I was planning, Clint came and sat down at the table.
“You seem to be in a good mood,” he smiled and looked at me. I smiled back at him and nodded.
“I really needed this today. I almost forgot about the fact that today’s been five years since my parents died.”
“How are you doing mentally, by the way? I mean, you look okay, but I know better than to assume that means you’re actually okay.” I sighed deeply. I knew there was no point in lying to him; I was never good at lying, and I knew he’d see right through me.
“I’ve definitely been better. The first year was definitely harder, but I’ve had better years. But, today was a good day. I knew it would be harder without Charlie and his parents, but it was better than I thought it would be. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.”
“It does. It was harder than last year, but easier than you thought it would be. How much freedom did Tony give you over the compound?” he asked as he started looking through the swatches.
“Pretty much everything except the kitchen, lab, and the meeting room. I have my bedroom, his bedroom, and the spare bedrooms. He said yours, Nat’s, and Steve’s room are up to you guys. He got me plenty of canvases, too. Once I have a rough plan of what I want to do for my room, we’ll go back and get the paints for it. Between the canvases and painting around the compound, I’ll be set for a while.” I planned out some of what I wanted in my room before setting up a makeshift studio in one of the spare rooms for my canvas paintings.
Over the next month or so, I spent a lot of time either painting or planning. Tony and I made a couple trips back to the hardware store to get paint. I still spent a lot of time with Clint and Natasha, as well as Steve when he was there.
One day in February, I skipped breakfast and went straight to my studio without even acknowledging Clint or Natasha. After about half an hour, there was a knock at the door.
“Come in.”
“You alright?” Clint asked as he walked in. “You didn’t grab breakfast or say anything to us this morning.” I put the paintbrush down, looked at the ground, and shook my head.
“Charlie’s parents,” I said quietly as I looked up at him. His shoulders dropped, and he sighed.
“Do you want to talk about it now or be left alone?”
“I’ll come out when I’m ready to talk. I just need a little while.”
“Okay. Nat and I’ll be out here when you’re ready. Steve’s here, too, but he’s not sure how long he’ll stay.” I nodded, thankful that he was listening to what I needed. I turned back to the painting, which was going to be my childhood home with a sunset in the background. As I painted, I replayed that day in my head; trying my hardest not to break down in tears as I drove to Charlie’s job, trying to stay composed while I comforted him, trying to figure out what to say while I drove us to the hospital, staying up until almost sunrise talking to Clint about everything.
After I finished the sunset, I decided to let the paint dry before I painted the house, so I walked out to the living room where Clint, Nat, and Steve were watching TV. When he saw me, Steve turned off the TV, and all three of them turned to look at me.
“Hey,” Steve began. “Are you okay? Clint told me what happened.” I sighed.
“Not exactly.” I sat on the floor in front of the TV, my eyes instantly filling with tears. “I miss them more than I thought I did, and I never really grieved their loss. I guess I was just so busy making sure Charlie was okay and helping him through it that I never grieved through it myself.” I couldn’t stop the tears anymore, and the three of them surrounded me in a hug. I was crying about everyone, not just Michael and Alice; I cried for Charlie, I cried for Darren and Clara, I cried for my parents, I cried for the kids I worked with, I cried for everyone that was lost.
None of us said anything for a while after I stopped crying; they didn’t have to. It was the first time I felt genuinely, completely safe at the compound. Of course I knew I was safe, but that was the first time I allowed myself to feel completely vulnerable and exposed, other than the panic attack on New Year’s Eve. Before that moment, I always kept some parts of me hidden; they were mine, and I was too worried that someone would use it against me for some reason or another. Now, I knew; there was no reason for me to keep anything hidden. If I needed something, anything, they would be there.
Everything was different after that day; we all started checking in on each other more, I spent the mornings painting and the rest of the day with Clint and Natasha (Steve when he was there), and everything just seemed to make more sense. I felt more at ease, and they seemed to be walking on eggshells less.
About two months later, Clint got a call from Tony while we were cleaning up after lunch.
“Hey, Steve’s here and you’re on speaker."
“Yeah, that’s great,” Tony said, panicked. “Pepper’s water just broke, and I don’t know what to do.” The four of us started freaking out, then Clint took the phone off speaker.
“Okay, take a breath. Get her to the hospital. Are you okay to drive?” There was a slight pause. “Okay, good. Get there, and we’ll meet you there.” He looked at us and very clearly mouthed Go. He stayed on the phone with Tony, and Steve drove us to the hospital.
“Before you ask, I don’t know anything,” Happy said when we got to the waiting room. We sat down and waited for any news.
“You okay?” Clint whispered to me.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, but even I knew it wasn’t very convincing.
“Alright,” he said, standing up and turning towards me. “Come with me.” I stood up apprehensively.
“Where are we going?”
“Outside. We’re taking a walk so you can clear your head.” I grabbed my jacket and followed him, thankful for the escape.
“How did you know?” I asked when we got outside.
“You were picking at your hands again,” he said.”Besides, I figured hospitals weren’t exactly a happy place for you, not after everything that happened.”
“Right,” I said, smiling and looking at the ground. “Yeah, me and hospitals don’t have the best track record. I guess the waiting room brought me back there.”
“Okay, now we know another one of your triggers. It;s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s places I avoid at all costs because of my time in S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“What do you do when you can’t avoid the places? If you’re stuck in a place and you can’t run away from it?” He sighed.
“That’s when things get a little trickier. When Nat and I were stuck in Budapest, we were stuck in the vents in the train station; we played tic-tac-toe and hangman on the walls. If I’m by myself, I play a little game. I find someone who’s just passing by and I make up a story for them; what they’re doing there, who they are, what they do for a living. It’s a simple thing, but it works.” As we walked around the hospital, we started making up stories for the people driving past.
The Chrysler minivan was a middle-aged mom on her way to find a snack for the PTA meeting. The giant pickup truck was a guy on his way to get more beer. There were a couple of kids on bikes, and we decided they were on their way to the park. The more we did it, the more relaxed I felt.
“I think I’m good to go back in. As long as we keep doing whatever this game is.” He chuckled, and we went back inside.
About an hour after we went back inside, Tony finally came out, a huge smile plastered on his face. “It’s a girl!” he said. We all congratulated him and followed him back to the room, where Pepper was holding their daughter. After we met her and congratulated Tony and Pepper, the four of us left for the compound.
A month and a half later, everyone came to the compound for the day. It was a year after the snap, and we all just wanted to be with each other. Clint disappeared after lunch, while we were all outside. Natasha and I kept looking at each other, and I knew we shared the same worry.
“What’s he doing?” I whispered to her. She shrugged.
“Who knows? His family disappeared right in front of him. He just needs space.” I sighed, not buying it, and walked towards the building. Natasha called after me, but I didn’t stop.
When I walked up to the hangar door, I saw stuff all over the floor. I threw open the door, worried about what I would find.
“Clint?” I called as I walked in. I looked around and realized his arrows were snapped in half, and they were all over the floor. “Clint!” I called again, walking towards the main living area. I knocked on his bedroom door. “Clint, it’s me,” I said softly.
“Go away,” he croaked.
“Okay. I’m gonna clean up in the hangar, then I’ll be painting in my room whenever you’re ready to talk.” I walked back into the hangar, then texted Natasha.
Me:He’s in his room. I think he snapped his arrows. I’m cleaning them up now. I don’t know if I’m coming back outside or not.
Nat:Do you want help?
Me:Nah, I got it. Thank you, though.
Nat:Ok. Let me know if you need me or anyone else to come in and help you.
I started picking up the arrows, trying to figure out what I would say to him when he came out of his room. I was also thinking about what happened to me a year ago: losing Charlie and the car accident. For the first time, I thought about the person who hit me. The cops told me the driver also disappeared, and I got hit because they were using cruise control. Did they leave a family behind, or did their family disappear too?
After I finished putting the splintered arrows in a tote for him to either fix or throw away, I went to my room and started painting. I had started last week on my room, but I hadn’t made much progress. Eventually, I heard a door open, and Clint came in and sat on my bed.
“I’m sorry,” he said, head down and so quiet I almost didn’t hear it.
“What do you have to be sorry about? You watched your entire family disappear in front of you. I don’t blame you for having to take a break from everyone.”
“Yeah, but you lost your brother, not to mention the car accident. I feel like I should be the one helping you through today, not the other way around.”
“Clint. You’ve been helping me through the last year. Any time I have felt remotely off, you’ve been there for me. You haven’t exactly had the time to process anything because of that. So, I’m sorry for not giving you the time you needed.” He finally looked at me and smiled, his eyes bloodshot. He held out his arms, and I went over to hug him. “What would I do without you, Kiddo?” I chuckled, ignoring the fact that he had never called me anything resembling ‘kid’ or ‘kiddo’ before.