Chapter 12
As we were landing back at the compound, I looked out the window to see Steve practically sprinting outside to meet us. I thought he was going to knock me over with how fast he ran up to hug me when he saw me standing there when the door opened.
“They told me it worked, but they didn’t tell me you were standing, let alone walking already,” he said when we got inside. The two of us were sitting on the couch, and everyone else who went to Wakanda was in their rooms, most likely asleep.
“Yeah, I was standing that first day already. I took a step that first day, too, but I actually started walking the second day. I’m surprised no one told you.” He shrugged.
“I figured no news was good news. They said that it worked, and that was good enough for me until you came back. Besides, I’ve been a little preoccupied with something that I’ve been meaning to pick your brain on, if you’re up for it.” I nodded and shifted in my seat.
“Yeah, what’s up?” He looked down at his hands and started bouncing his leg.
“Can we go outside? It’s just- I don’t think I want everyone overhearing this.” I agreed apprehensively; What could this be about? Why was it so serious that we couldn’t have this conversation inside?
When we got outside, we both sat on a bench, and Steve let out a sigh as if he had been holding his breath until we got outside. We sat in silence, and I was trying to decide if I should talk first, or if I should wait for Steve.
“When I came out of the ice,” Steve began, answering my question, “I missed almost 70 years of history. In the 40s, we didn’t acknowledge gay people, let alone any other part of the community. They existed, but people just said that there was something wrong with them.” I nodded, starting to piece together what this conversation would be about. “When you told me about your parents, it made me realize how much I still had to learn. So, when I wasn’t babysitting Tony and Bruce, I was researching. I fell down a lot of rabbit holes. Then, while you guys were gone, a couple things stood out to me.” He started rubbing his thighs and bouncing his legs.
“Take your time, Steve,” I said. I was ignoring the fact that Captain America is talking to me about being queer. He nodded and took a deep breath before continuing.
“When I was growing up, people had a word for anyone who wasn’t straight. I never liked it, and I still don’t like saying it, but I think you know what I’m talking about.” I nodded. “I didn’t want to look too deeply into that word, but I saw some people using it to identify. It’s not still a slur, is it?”
“It was a slur for a long time. But, people started reclaiming it and using it to identify themselves. It’s still a… sticky subject because older members of the community grew up with it being a slur, and it still hurts them. I know you didn’t ask, but it’s how I identify. It’s kind of an umbrella term. I don’t know what exactly I am, but I know I’m not straight.” Steve sighed.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m glad it’s not a slur anymore, but I still don’t love the word.”
“And that’s okay. Some people in the community don’t understand why older members still don’t like it, but I know that words have strong meanings to a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.” He smiled and sighed again.
“That answers my first question. Um, what do you know about asexuality?” He was noticeably more nervous than he was when he asked me about “queer.”
“It means someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction. People who are asexual can feel the physical desire to have sex, but they don’t feel a strong emotional attachment to the person. Some asexual people don’t feel the physical desire for sex at all. Sometimes, they feel romantic attraction to people, but sometimes they don’t. It’s not a set-in-stone label, and it means different things to different people. But, it’s essentially the lack of sexual attraction.”
“Wait, you lost me for a second there. What’s the difference between sexual and romantic attraction?”
“Sexual attraction is basically the emotional desire for sex. You see someone and want to have sex on a level more than having the physical desire. Romantic attraction is essentially saying that you want to date or even marry someone. Usually, the two line up; most people are romantically and sexually attracted to the same people. Gay men are romantically and sexually attracted to other men. Once you bring in asexuality, though, things get a little tricky. Most people who are asexual also say their romantic attraction. So, they’ll say that they’re homoromantic, meaning same-sex romantic attraction, or whatever their label is.” We sat in silence for a few minutes. Steve looked deep in thought, and I found myself wondering how the rest of our conversation would go.
“What- what’s the word for someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction? Is that just aromantic?” I nodded.
“Someone who doesn’t feel sexual or romantic attraction is aromantic asexual, or aroace.”
“There’s a word for that?” I nodded. “I- I think that might… be me?” he said, so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. I looked over at him and saw him smiling through tears.
“Steve, no one can tell you how to identify,” I said, still shocked that Captain America, of all people, is coming out to me, someone he didn’t know four months ago. “I can’t tell you how to feel, and I can’t tell you what label to use. Thank you for telling me how you feel, and I’m always here if you want to talk about anything, but I don’t have all the answers. Now that you have an idea of what you might identify as, you know what to look up and research more. But I can’t tell you with certainty that you are aroace. As much as I wish I could, that’s something you have to discover for yourself.”
“How do you know all of this? I’ve been researching this stuff ever since I met you, and you still know more than what I already learned.” I chuckled.
“My parents. They never hid anything like this from me; they didn’t believe in being ‘too young to know’ about being gay or anything like that. They were very open about them not being straight. I think they wanted me to know that, even though we lived in a very conservative area, that they would accept me if I ever came out.”
“Did you?” Steve asked apprehensively. I shook my head.
“I didn’t get that chance. I did come out to Michael and Alice, but my parents were gone before I realized.”
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head again.
“It’s okay. I told them eventually.” Steve gave me a look, and then I realized what that sounded like. “No, I- I visited them at the cemetery all the time. I told them there. I don’t believe in God or much of a religion at all- God and I have a complicated history, to say the least- but I know they heard me. They know.” I smiled at him, emphasizing that it was okay and that I was okay with it. We kept talking for about an hour before we decided to go back inside.
“Is it okay if we keep this conversation between us for now? I’m not ready for everyone to know just yet.” he asked as we started walking back inside.
“Of course, Steve. If they ask, I’ll just say we were talking about Wakanda or something.”
“Thank you so much, Alex,” he said as we got to the front door. “Thank you for all of this.”
“Any time. I know there’s a lot more now than there was in the 30s and 40s, so it can be overwhelming.”
“Tell me about it. Hey, are you hungry? I was going to make dinner, but if you’re too tired, you can go to bed.”
“Nah, I got a lot of sleep on the plane. Dinner sounds great.”
Over the next few days, nothing really changed; I would do rehab every morning with Clint and Bruce, but everything else stayed pretty much the same. Pepper left and stayed at the lake house, and Tony came over in the afternoons to make sure everything was still working with the prosthetics. Every once in a while, Steve and I would share a knowing glance, and I tried my best to silently reassure him that no one knew what we talked about that day.