Freedom is Sweet

James kisses him. 

It’s soft, an a gentle hesitant touch and for an insane moment Tony thinks he’s waking up. But James’ hand is still warm and dry on his face, his mouth still pressed against Tony, and Tony throws whatever caution he was holding on to into the cold autumn wind. 

With a something suspiciously like a sob, he throws his arms around James and kisses him back, kisses him with everything he has, the way he has wanted to for days now. Oh, and it’s everything. 

“This is all I want,” James whispers against his lips, and dives right back in, stealing Tony’s breath and felling all his doubts in one fell swoop. Whatever he was thinking about before - what if he doesn’t want to say. What if he thinks he has to stay. He’s free now, why would he stay with me. He’s been hurt, just like Tiberius did to you, heknowsheknowsheknows why on earth would he want this, it took you months to even look in a mirror after that, how can he - it’s all quiet. 

There is only James. The feeling of his lips on Tony’s mouth, his hand on him, the little gasps that are his and James’, it’s all that there is until Tony has to pull back much to soon to breathe. 

But James doesn’t go far, resting his forehead against Tony, and for a moment it’s just that, both of them breathing each other’s air, neither wanting to break the moment. And Tony doesn’t really, he is terrified to move, to do something that will break the spell, but he also really wants to kiss James again. But he doesn’t know how to ask, and what if James says no, what if this was just some momentary lapse of judgement, if he–

James’ fingers brush over Tony’s lips, over his cheek, combing gently through his hair, and all of Tony’s thoughts fall apart.

“James.” It’s the only coherent thing left in his mind, James’ eyes and lips, his hand in Tony’s hair pulling gently until his head is falling backwards into James’ hand, those cold blue eyes on Tony’s lips.

“Again,” James murmurs, and something in his voice makes Tony melt. There’s not even enough of him left to feel shame or embarrassment when a needy whimper escapes him, his whole body leaning further towards James’ heat, causing the grip in his hair to pull taught deliciously.

“James, please.”

And oh, Tony knows already he is so so lost. A smile blooms like dawn on James’ lips, and his kiss is an indulgence, slow and tender, and always always always leaving Tony wanting for more. God, a second kiss and he is already addicted. He knows he should be doing something, probably saying something, and isn’t that a marvel. Tony Stark, rendered speechless by a few touches and a kiss.

But then James lets go of Tony’s hair, sliding his hand down his neck and arm until their hands interlace.

“Sorry.” He smiles sheepishly and somehow Tony is able to breathe again. “Got a little carried away.”

Tony laughs shakily, his nerves still reeling with the whiplash of James reducing him to puddles with a kiss and a touch and then retreating back into bashfulness within seconds.

“No complaints here, snowflake,” he manages to get together, the most coherent thought in a while.

“Fair.” The smile on James’ face turns almost smug before turning softer, his thumb brushing over the back of Tony’s hand. “Just don’t want to start something I might not be able to finish right now.”

And that sends Tony’s thoughts spinning all over again.

“You mean, you want to…”

“Kiss you somewhere where you’re not freezing to death, somewhere warm where you can lie down and I can show you just good I can be for you, doll.”

Again with the whiplash. Tony's heart stumbles all over itself in his chest, and he’s too old for this. But if this is how he goes, a breathtaking supersoldier making him plead for a kiss, then Tony won’t complain.

“Just maybe not right away. I don’t know if I can do that already, even if it is for you.”

Fuck, right, way to forget that James has literally just remembered being assaulted, good job Stark.

“Yeah, no, of course. Whatever you want to, James. Even this is already so much, it’s okay if you still change your mind or want to leave, I’d under–”

James kisses him. James kisses him again. Tony chokes on his own words and on all these damn feelings , but he is helpless against James’ touch on him.

“Am I not making myself clear?” James murmurs, his blue eyes serious as they search Tony’s face. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. You are the one thing I want in this world, in whatever way you will have me.”

Tony’s breath stutters, and he has to close his eyes against the overwhelming wave of want that rushes through him as James says everything Tony had never let himself dare dream of. James however interprets his silence as hesitation, sitting back a little although he does not let go of Tony’s hand.

“If that is not what you want though that’s okay. You can just tell me no.” James’ voice wavers as he says it, and for the first time Tony gets the impression that if he did, he’d be hurting both of them equally.

“I don’t want to say no,” Tony admits quickly, just to get the hurt look out of James’ eyes. God, he’s been toyed with himself enough times to know how much that hurts, he would never want to do that to anyone, least of all James. “I want you to stay. Here, with us. With me. And, uh, I’d really like to try all of what you said before, at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.”

It feels clumsy and incomplete and entirely not up to par with James’ own words that can make Tony’s heart twist so exquisitely, but apparently it’s enough. James squeezes his hand, a relieved smile transforming his whole face. Tony leans forward to kiss that smile, just because he can, and James pulls him closer, wrapping him up against his body and Tony groans with all the delicious warmth of him.

“We should head inside,” James murmurs against Tony’s mouth after another shiver runs through his body.

“Probably,” Tony admits, and when James gets up, the moment finally begins to fissure, the cracks Tony had been waiting for this whole time finally beginning to show themselves. But damn it, he’s come this far, and James has been so brave this entire time, offering his heart up for Tony again and again. It’s time he does the same.

“Do you… uhm, would you mind if I came with you? I don’t know what’s wrong with my bed, but I never get any sleep there. Mostly just crash on the workshop couch because of that.” That’s as far as his pitiful semblance of courage gets him, but it’s just enough. James reaches out for his hand, pulling Tony close to him as he begins walking back to the compound.

“Of course you can come, doll.”

And somehow it’s easy as that. Tony lets James lead him through the compound, only dimly aware that they’re taking a somewhat convoluted path. But it doesn’t matter much when they finally end up in James’ room, Tony gets parked on James’ bed and wrapped up in blankets until the shivering finally stops. James is all but plastered at his side, Tony tucked against him and turning more and more into a puddle of goo as James cards his hand through Tony’s hair.  

And yet Tony’s mind is refusing to give up on it’s racing thoughts. “You want this?”

He feels more than hears James’ laugh on his hair. “Are you asking me to prove my point, doll?”

“No,” Tony chuckles, “although, not opposed to the idea. No, was just thinking.”

James presses a kiss into his hair. “What about?”

Tony considers for a moment, but so far just being blunt and honest has been working out just fine. So he ignores his racing heart and the anxiety building up in his stomach.

“Don’t let me pressure you into anything.” He can feel James hesitate beneath him so he charges on ahead, trying to get the thoughts out of his head before he can think better of it. “I know I have a reputation and everything, you probably heard plenty about me from the others. But please, it would kill me if I ever did something you don’t want.”

James doesn’t reply for a while, his fingers resuming their path through Tony’s hear, a soothing contrast to the silence that keeps drawing out further and further.

“I’m not against trying something more– intimate, I guess.” James’ voice vibrates through his chest and Tony has to school himself into paying attention. “I trust you, and I want to. I’m just not sure how I’ll react. This– it’s not the first time this has happened to me, I think. But memories as the Soldier are different, it’s not about sensations then. It’s all numbers and calculations, and my body is already not my own. It hardly mattered then. And I don’t want to hurt you either, ever. So I want to try. But I guess we’ll just have to be slow about it.”

Tony nods eagerly, untangling himself from the pile of blankets to do his best octopus impression, wrapping himself around James who gathers him up in his arm with a laugh.

“Of course, yeah. Slow is good. Just– keep talking to me.”

James tilts his head up by the chin and places a soft kiss against Tony’s lips. “You’re in luck,” he murmurs, and the low rumble of his voice against Tony’s chest does all kinds of things to him. “I adore talking to you.”

Tony grins. “Yeah? You’ll regret saying that, snowstorm.”

“Never.” James’ voice has a sudden weight to it, and oh, they’re right back in the expansive area of Tony’s insecurities. 

“Alright.” Tony hides his face in the blankets, and James is kind enough to let him, not commenting on the sudden flush to Tony’s cheeks. “We should probably try to get some sleep,” he eventually suggests to the blankets, and James hums in agreements.

“Probably.” Something about James’ voice is different, tenser than before, and Tony is about to ask when James continues on his own volition. “I have to ask you something myself.”

Tony sits up so he can look at James, but James doesn’t meet his eyes. “Of course, what is it?”

James takes a deep breath, fortifying himself before he continues. “I… Friday probably told you already, but I think you should still hear it from me. I get nightmares, I mean, of course I do. Friday can tell when they’re coming, but I’ve asked her to not wake me up too early. We– It’s useful to remember even the bad stuff. Helps clear up some things. I’ll try not to wake you up or anything but… well, I don’t know how this will be. I haven’t slept close to anyone in a while.”

Tony watches as uncertainty and shame play out over James’ face, but waits patiently until he is finished before he reaches out to take his hand.

“It’ll be fine. Friday?”

“Yes, boss?”

“You get complete sandman access to this room.”

“Noted,” Friday answers with a happy trill, and Tony turns to James again.

“It’s a protocol I originally made for Bruce, and a little bit for myself if I’m being honest. We both don’t react well to nightmares. The Sandman protocol basically gives Friday the permissions she needs to monitor your sleep cycle and make sure you wake up before a nightmare even really starts.”

“I have agreed on a rather similar set of permissions with James, albeit for a different purpose.”

“Then you already know how it works, nice.”

James nods, fidgeting nervously with the sheets. “I do. I just–” James takes a deep breath. “I guess I’m scared.”

“I’m not.” James looks up in surprise and Tony smiles, taking his hand again. “We’ll be alright, I promise.”

That more than anything seems to reassure James, and isn’t that a strange thing. Normally people tend to have much more faith in Tony’s creations than himself. After another moment James moves to lie down, stretching out on the mattress and opening his arm up for Tony who eagerly crawls into the embrace.

“Just don’t want to hurt you, solnyshko, ” he mutters, his eyes already drooping closed. Tony, despite being tired enough to have almost fallen asleep on his feet on the way here, forces himself to stay awake, unable to resist the truly adorable sight of the dreaded Winter Soldier nodding off like a kitten.

“We’ll be fine, snowflake,” he whispers just before his own eyes drift closed.