Time to get cracky!
“Hey darling, you see that silly Dark Lord?”
“You mean the one that got Death’s knickers in a twist?”
“Sure do, Karma. He changed his plans and got the Chosen One’s blood through a contract he signed. He thinks that if the boy doesn’t give his blood willingly for resurrection, it doesn’t count if he gave it willingly for the adoption contract.”
“Now that seems convoluted. But while he is smart, those type of smart people with egos are not as smart as they think they are. You think we should do something about that, Magic?”
“I know you want to.”
“I know, and Death’s on my side with this one. I would love to catch up to that pasty noseless Magic Nazi wanker. However, Fate says things have to go a specific way and he has to come back healthy for the future. Shame, but if we do something Fate will be bitching for millennia about it. She only let me off the hook for Atlantis recently.”
“Yeah, shame. I can’t weaken him magically either. Though there is something that we can do, we can both be really creative.”
“I know that, I still get shivers about last night.”
“Focus, Karma! Not be distracted with sexy time when we got a job to do.”
“Sorry. So…he only needs to be physically and magically healthy for the prophecy to be fulfilled. But nothing more than that. So…we have a lot more to work with than we thought. How about…(whisper).”
“Girl, you are amazing. That is hilarious. Let’s do that.”
“I knew you’d love it. And later this evening I’m going to give you something else you love.”
“You are incorrigible.”
“You know you love it, woman.”
“I guess I do. So, let’s work our magic on this one…”
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“What the F*** happened?” Voldemort said as he looked at his resurrected self. He thought he did everything right. He had bone of the father. Wormtail, whom was nearly passed out having cut of his hand for the ritual or ‘flesh of the servant’ as he whimpers in pain. And then the blood Umbridge obtained from the adoption contracts. He had the right ingredients. And now…he was stuck in the body of a schoolgirl. That didn’t even begin to make sense. He felt his magic was still at full power but he was now a blue eyes, black haired, mousy little schoolgirl. And his old robes were ten sizes too big.
Wormtail was too busy holding his bleeding stump of a hand to react. Snape, Umbridge, and Karkaroff were standing stiff like petrified, it was like they were having to hold back their laughter because they knew it meant death or worse. Nagini, whom had nothing to fear from her master since she was a Horcrux was hissing in a way to imply she was indeed, laughing her snake-like arse off.
“Er…maybe the fact Wormtail put his whole hand in it, bone and all, not just the flesh? Or Potter’s blood even with the workaround wasn’t considered ‘taken by force?’” Snape suggested. Potions were his expertise.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier, Severus?” Voldemort asked. His voice sounded screechy and prissy but she…he…it was too busy being angry to care about how his voice sounded.
“I tried but you were sure of yourself my lord.” Snape said honestly. Snape did the minimum to convince Voldemort, whom thought he was so much smarter then anyone else. And Voldemort is the guy to use a Crucio as a greeting on a good day so he didn’t push his luck.
“Master…my hand…” Peter whimpered. He was ignored.
“I guess I was sure of myself. But why wouldn’t I be? I am Lord Voldemort. I am the smartest Dark Lord in centuries!” the man in schoolgirl’s body ranted. “Ugh…it’s going to take more research to turn me back to normal. But unfortunately I’m on a time table since the Ministry and Dumbledore are stopping being passive. I hate being seen like this, but a demonstration of my power would remind people I’m still just as strong.”
“I’m bleeding out. Help me…” Peter gurgled out.
“I guess I can put up with it as long as I can still cast spells as strong as before. It would make traveling incognito easier. Even going undercover but…nah, no way I’m going through school again. I’d be bored and kids suck!”
“Arghglh!” Wormtail gurgled.
“Oh, you’re still here Wormtail? Learn to speak up? I can’t have you die on me. You’re still of use to me.” Voldemort did a wand wave, the blood vanishing, the stump cauterizing and a silver hand appearing where the old one was. “There, be grateful for…Wormtail?” the rat man didn’t react. “Don’t you dare to die on me! Only I decide your fate.” Wormtail was prodded by his master’s wand. “Ugh! Crucio!”
That jump started Wormtail again as he screamed and jumped up. “I’m awake!” he said. He looked at his new hand and spoke up again. “Oh it’s beautiful, thank you Master!” then he finally noticed Voldemort in his schoolgirl form, earlier being too out of it to realize what went on. “Why is this little girl here?” Bad choice of words.
“CRUCIO!” Voldemort shouted as he put Wormtail under the pain-inducing spell once again. Peter was knocked to the ground and was shaking heavily.
“Oh, it’s you master…I’m sorry…” Peter/Wormtail gurgled.
“Enough nonsense, we make our move no-” Voldemort said as suddenly, the Dark Lord doubled over and moaned in pain. “As soon as I get some potions for the cramps. Oh Merlin damnit! Why did I also have the biology to get menstruation? Oh, this is the second worst pain in my life after the time I got disembodied.”
“I’ll get to brewing.” Snape just droned.
“I’m happy I never suffer from that anymore.” Nagini hissed, the only thing she liked about being stuck as a snake.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After the Yule Ball, Harry, his friends, his girlfriends and his family and his friends and girlfriends’ families, were invited on their tour of Europe during the winter holidays. It was kind of tricky to get enough tickets for everyone, and find the right glamours and spells to disguise all the waifus among them. They still didn’t know how they did it but they managed.
“Look outside. They are sky sheep.” Luna said.
“Those are clouds, Luna.” Hermione droned.
“That’s what they want you to think.” Luna said.
“Sure is.” Hermione said, not in a mood to argue.
“You know when sky sheep get horny and get it on, that’s how we get thunderstorms!” Jinx said.
“I didn’t want to know that.” Hermione droned. Jinx was having a second Luna around, one on a sugar high.
“I don’t like sitting down like this. I can fly much faster then this bucket of metal.” Bolt groaned. She was now disguised as a woman with tanned skin, black hair and a sports outfit.
“You know the Statute of Secrecy. Besides, you are not leaving us behind.” Maps said as she was disguised as a pale woman with a top hat and long coat.
“Wait, where is the person whom was seated there?” a flight attendant asked. Cloak made herself visible again in her guise of a pale skinned white haired woman with gray clothing. The Flight attendant shook her head. “I need a vacation…I’m seeing things.”
“I could have flown everyone. I could turn in my vehicle form, expanded my insides and transported us all.” Anglia said. Now disguised as a normal sized woman dressed like a cab driver. The anthropomorphized car waifu pouted.
“While you are recognized as a sentient being, after your last flight there was trouble with the Ministry.” Arthur Weasley said. He put his excitement of being in an actual plane down to calm his newest daughter.
“It was my dumb brother whom steered me in the whomping Willow.” She said as she stuck out her tongue.
“I said I was sorry!” Ron groaned.
“I want to fly…” Anglia said.
“You’ll get a chance, but not now.” Arthur said. Besides, this way its easier to talk face to face.”
Hedwig, disguised as a woman with white hair and a white dress, was breathing heavily in a paper bag. “Why are you panicking, dear?” Fawkes asked gently. She was disguised as a woman with fiery red hair, a feathery dress and tanned skin.
“I don’t think I like flying on the airplane.” Hedwig muttered.
“You are a bird.” Fawkes pointed out.
“Yeah, but I feel safer when I’m flying. This is a giant tube of metal that somehow flies without wings or magic!” Hedwig said.
“I’ll help calm you down.” Fawkes said as she shoved Hedwig’s face into her bottom. Hedwig made gay owl noises but was perfectly calm now.
“Do you mind?” another passenger said, looking at Fawkes in disgust.
“No, not at all.” Fawkes said, smiling. Whether or not she understood what the passenger was talking about was left in the air, but she wouldn’t have cared anyways.
“This is flying without magic?” Pansy asked. She didn’t know how she got talked into joining the travel. She was still overcoming her past issues and being less of a bitch.
“Apparently. Dad’s greatest wish that doesn’t involve his family’s wellbeing is learning how they stay in the air. I got him a book about airplanes for Christmas and…now you mention it I kind of get curious myself on how it works. I wonder if Dad would let me borrow the book.” Ron noted.
“Oh, you suddenly feel like reading when it doesn’t involve studying?” Pansy asked?
“Like I said, curious. And…I try to be less of a plonker, I never took interest in my friends’ Muggle heritage while they took interest into the magical world so easy.” Ron noted.
“Yeah, that tracks.” Pansy said. She looked out of the window, became uneasy and turned back to Ron to further a conversation so she wouldn’t have to think about being high in the sky. “At that…airport was it? Yeah, lots of people. So many people, it makes Diagon Alley look empty. I didn’t know there were that many Muggles.”
“Oh, they outnumber us seven to one, if Hermione is to be believed.” Ron noted.
“Merlin’s pants! How many people are there in the world then?” Pansy asked.
“Billions. Which is apparently a thousand million. I didn’t know a number that high exists.” Ron noted.
“Whoa…I feel small all of a sudden.” Pansy said. “World’s much bigger than I thought.”
“And we are going to see a big part of it. We are going across Europe after all. Getting good exotic food, some monuments, some good food, various Muggle amusement parks whatever those are…good food.” Ron noted.
“You said ‘food’ thrice.” Pansy pointed out.
“I love food.” Ron said with a smile.
“I noted, at the Yule Ball you ate as much as everyone else combined.” Pansy groaned.
“I’m a growing boy. You were keeping up with me in terms of eating.” Ron pointed out.
“It’s a holiday feast, I am allowed to eat more then usual just this once. And I’m growing too!” Pansy said as she huffed. But she gave a small smile. Despite the two being a thing now, they still have playful arguments.
Daphne and Tracy were in a seat next to each other. Tracy leaning on Daphne’s shoulder as the latter ran her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. Vacation has been great. Both their parents have accepted them. The two families were good friends and saw one another’s girls as another daughter anyhow. They didn’t want to keep their relationship hidden anymore.
“Bloody kids too, corruptin’ the youth.” The same angry passenger commenting on Hedwig and Fawkes said.
The only reason Daphne and Tracy did nothing is that they didn’t want to turn it into a working vacation for the family members of their group whom work at the ministry. That and Fred and George would be able to prank them and get away with it.
Maria, whom had the most difficult time to have spells to make her small and a glamor strong enough so she could ride in the plane, sat next to Charlie. And the little hatchlings surrounding seats in their aisle. Hopping up and down in their seat, screaming excitedly, one crying until Charlie gave it a snack, and one crawling out of their seat and running down the aisle until mom and stepdad (despite having glamours and charms to make sure their dragon powers wouldn’t hurt the attendants, they were still too strong for them to handle) put them in their suit.
That same cranky passenger again muttered. “Women nowadays, either can’t keep a man hence turn gay or they can’t close their legs and end up with a gaggle.”
“I’m going to eat him.” Maria growled in anger.
“No dear, no eating people. That one will give you indigestion. Besides, Fred and George already put a Dungbomb in his luggage.”
“Ok fine.” Maria said, the dragon woman in disguise calming down.
“Nom-Nom!” the plant girl Nom-Nom, now disguised as a girl with green dyed hair, green clothes and flower accessories said to the attendants.
“Yes, but what do you want to Nom-Nom on?” the attendant asked.
“Nom-Nom!”
“What Nom-Noms do you want?”
“Nom-Nom!”
“Can you speak English?”
“Oh, forgot to mention, she has a speech impediment, she is saying she would love the chocolate covered peanuts.” Trevor said, disguised as a portly old man in a hawaiian shirt, bald head and long stache and beard.
“Oh…pardon me. Take these peanuts on the house and don’t sue me, I need this job.”
“Nom-Nom!” said, she didn’t care as she had her peanuts.
While these weird shenanigans went on, Harry just stared outside of the window. He has flown before on a broom but not in a plane. There was a lot of things he never did before, and during this winter break he was going to enjoy a lot of them. The Dursleys never took him anywhere and with the past few years of Hogwarts were hectic. But for once he felt like he could have a nice vacay.
While Voldemort was out there, he wasn’t on his mind. He was here, among friends and family. Just some banter and silliness. Both his girlfriends had fallen asleep on his shoulders. Luna muttered ‘Pudding’ in her sleep all over. In the seats next to him, Neville was asleep too, with Hannah and Susan asleep on his shoulders too. Life was good for all of them.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They got off the plane, and that’s where their tour started. We cut to a montage, pictures taken of a few very memorable events. Some are particular, like the group taking pictures in front of a famous monument or landmark. Some with them at the restaurants (most of them involving Ron admiring the food).
There were pictures at the theme park. The pictures were of those in the rollercoaster where their reactions were captured. Harry and most others whom were able to fly or were on the Quidditch team looked overjoyed at the rush. Others like Hermione and Daphne looked terrified. Luna and Jinx both smiled and showed no other reaction. One picture of Pansy leaning over a trashcan and turning green. There pictures with the mascots. Most of them fine, aside the one that was tackled to the ground by Maria’s kids and had to be pulled off.
One of them all at the zoo, looking at the animals in delight. One of them had Jinx riding on top of an elephant’s back, while the zookoopers looked terrified. One had Luna giving bellyrubs to the lions, and managed to not get eaten, the big cats acting like housecats around them. And a picture of them being kicked after their shenanigans. And several of the Antelopes were missing. And Maria’s kids had big bellies, looking satisfied. And a smug looking Maria picking her teeth.
They stopped at a soccer game, the wizarding folks thinking it odd there was no snitch to end the game and it was timed. Also a car show, where they had to drag Anglia away since she didn’t stop flirting with the Ferrari.
They went all around Europe: Italy, Spain, France, Belgium…and then the Netherlands, which was going well. Until…
“There was only one rule when going to the Netherlands, one rule! Do not eat any of the weird cake!” Sirius sighed as he buried his head in his hands. He was a prankster but this was not what he intended. Gwenog was patting his back in a comforting way.
“Whoo, look at me, I’m Hermie G and I’m rocking the house!” Hermione said, she looked manic and hyper, had her tie around her head like a headband. “It feels so great cutting loose!”
“Odd, it seems this weird substance filled cake has an opposite effect on me.” Luna said in a not-so-dreamy tone and sounding…well normal, which wasn’t normal for her. “I feel sane. It is awful, and I hope this wears off.”
“Not to worry, my moon goddess. I feel like I have energy for the both of us now. Say, Luna, Harry…one thing I felt we missed out upon in France is the topless beach…how about we catch up on the topless?” Hermione said as she unbuttoned her shirt.
“Hermione, this is not the time or place for any sexy stuff. Whoa, I never thought I’d say that;” Luna said. “I hate being logical. Harry just blushed and was a mess. “Anyhow, we can’t do it with all these people watching.”
“Orgy!” Hermione said.
“Can I join?” Jinx asked.
“No, there is no orgy. At least not now, because we have quite a few people under influence.” Luna said.
“Why did you give Nom-Nom a piece of that cake?” Neville asked.
Nom-Nom was staring in the distance, in a daze, just jabbering on: “NomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNomNom…”
“At least she’s calmer then some.” Harry noted.
“Hey Harry! You’re a sexy piece of arse…shame you’re taken twice over. But you know, I realize my cauldron stirs both ways. Remember at the ball?” Ginny said in a giggly tone.
“Oh, about six months ago?” Jinx asked.
“What? I thought it was last week? How did you go from that to six months?” Harry asked confused.
“Oh, I switched up in-universe time with update time, my bad.” Jinx said as she pulled out a banana and put ketchup on it.
“Anyhow, the girl that Draco was with…paid to be there, Durmstrang girl. Barely speaks English, but her Slavic tongue was sexy…in more then one ways and that’s how I realized…I like girls too! So, room for one more?” Ginny said before giggling.
“Sorry, No! Bloody hell, your mom is going to kill us.” Harry noted.
“Oh, she also took a piece of cake, no worries.” Ginny said.
“ARTHUR! WE NEED MORE BABIES!” Molly’s voice sounded.
“No! We got so f***ing many already!” Arthur said, running away from his high horny wife.
“We better round up everyone as quickly as possible. This is even worse then the zoo and…were is Anglia?” Ron said.
“Hi there! What’s your name beautiful?” Anglia said as she leaned against a parked Ferrari and ran her hands across it. “Now, don’t be shy, we are both beautiful women, in good company. On the other hand, shy is cute.”
“He, wat doe je daar met mijn auto, jij kinkel?” (1) the owner of the car, a Dutchman, shouted. Anglia looked in confusion as she didn’t understand him.
“I’m so sorry.” Ron said as he approached the man, and stood by his sister.
“What is going on with her?” the Dutchman asked.
“Well, some of our family ate some of that ‘spacecake’!” Ron said, coming up with an excuse.
“Oh, that makes sense. Just…keep her away from my car, it wasn’t cheap.” The man said. He had enough experience with tourists eating spacecake and getting in over their head.
“But I’m not…” Anglia said as Ron dragged her away. “Call me!” she said to the Ferrari before she was out of sight.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“I’m sorry our vacation got weird. We can never return to that zoo and after what happened with that ‘special cake’… Ugh, I’m so ashamed.” Hermione said.
“Don’t be, it is something we can think back on and laugh about. It was the best vacation I ever had.” Harry said.
“I wish I was crazy enough again at the time to enjoy Hermie G.” Luna said.
“Don’t you dare spike my food, Luna.” Hermione said.
“As if I’d ever do that. I’d just try to get you drunk.” Luna said with a smile.
“Well, at least we got the distraction we need. We’ll have to return to the Tournament and Hogwarts, but I feel like I’m recharged. Like I can take on the world.” Harry said.
“And I admit, aside my little…episode, I enjoyed everything as well.” Hermione said.
“It was nice, to have a lot of people whom I can call friends now and do fun things with. Shame we didn’t have time to find Snorkacks, but the rest was fun.” Luna said.
“Oh, you need a Snorkack? I can pick one up for you.” Jinx noted.
“Oh, great. Can you also bring some eggs and milk? Daddy forgot to do grocery shopping.” Luna noted.
“Ok, anything else I can pick up?” Jinx asked.
“I dunno, Voldemort’s final Horcruxes? But that would be too crazy.” Harry joked.
“Okie-dokie!” Jinx said as she spread her wings and flew up.
“Wait, I was joking!” Harry noted.
“I can’t hear you over the sound of me being crazy!” Jinx said as she picked up height.
“Jinx, JINX!” Harry said.
“Harry, HARRY!” Jinx replied.
“Shame we’re too young for Firewhiskey.” Hermione noted.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Voldemort and crew went towards an old hovel that once belonged to Voldemort’s biological grandfather, Marvolo. His mother’s father. Insane blood purist whom has gone insane due to being a product of inbreeding. The hovel is where he has hidden his family’s ring, one of his Horcruxes. The rest of them were out of his reach for now, so he decides to pick up the ring, which is easiest to get. With Dumbledore and the Ministry picking up the pace, it was better safe than sorry with his soul anchors.
He had guided his group of Death Eaters through several traps, which he had originally put up to keep others out. But he had to dismantle them to get his ring back.
“Ah! It’s biting me!” Wormtail said as his hand, the non-silver one was in the maw of a magically mutated Gytrash. Wormtail was slamming his silver fist into the head of the green ghostly hound but no success.
Karkaroff was chased by one too, Severus was up in a tree as several of the Gytrashes were barking at the bottom. And Umbridge was dragged along by one, whom had his maws around her head…Such a thick head may appear as a rich snack, but unfortunately the beast would find that it was a hollow snack.
“Oh, forgot about this one.” Voldemort said. He couldn’t be blamed, it was one of his first Horcruxes, it was long ago. He lazily waved his hands the Gytrashes dispersed.
“My Lord…My hand…” Wormtail said, having lost his second hand to the Gytrash.
Voldemort lazily waved his wand again and created a second silver hand for him. “Does anyone else lose something to the Gytrashes?” Karkaroff raised his hand. “Well, what did you lose Karkaroff? Out with it!”
“It is kind embarrassing to say.” Karkaroff said…his voice was really high pitched for some reason. Voldemort had a disgusted look on his face as he waved his wand. “Thank you my lord!” he said as his voice went back to normal. Though whenever he walked now, you could hear the sound of two marbles hitting each other.
“I’m fine.” Snape said.
“My hair!” Umbridge said as her bloody and cut scalp indeed missed most of her hair.
Voldemort waved his wand again, and Umbridge got her hair back…more then on her head, her body grew hair everywhere that she looked like the lovechild of a toad and a Sasquatch. Voldemort looks her over for a bit. “Yeah, that looks about the same.”
“But my Lord…” Umbridge said.
“CRU-!” Voldemort raised his wand.
“Shutting up now.” Umbridge said.
“Good. Now, with the worst of it gone, we can finally pick up my ring…” Voldemort said. He was excited, and to her dismay he skipped inside the building. Damn School girl body. He sighed before he waved his wand again. The floor opened up, and a box floated out. He was ready to take the Gaunt family ring…
But it was not in the box. Instead there was a note that said ‘I.O.U.’, with the chibi drawing of a batgirl waving at the bottom. Voldemort blinked a few time to make sure he saw it correctly. He waved his wand a few times to scan but nothing turned up on his scans. Where was the goddamn ring? “What the Shi-”
There was something else in the box. It was a huge dungbomb. It exploded and hit Voldie and his crew. “GAH!”
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“See Magic, told you it would be a blast!”
“You were right Karma. It was hilarious.”
“Oh, I’m so happy, I’m going to take you right here, right now.”
“I know that look. Last time you had that and we got it on, my powers got away from me and we got stuck with waifu magic. And the time before that we brought the platypus into existence.”
“So, you don’t want me to make you weak in the knees?”
“No, I do. Just reflecting. I think the consequences will be worth it.”
“Yahtzee!”
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In another world, four people were zapped into existence. “…Was I dead?” the woman with red hair and green eyes said.
“Lils, where are we?” the man with black messy hair and glasses asked.
“Whoa, I’m alive. And…I’m young again.” A tall muscular man with brown hair and eyes said. “And my war wounds are gone, I can feel my leg again.”
“Oh my, I can think clearly again for the first time in a long time.” Another woman said, with long black hair and glasses.
“Bertha Jorkins?” the first man and woman asked.
“James and Lily Potter? You were supposed to be dead. And now I think of it, so was I? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named killed me after he got all the info out of the Triwizard Tournament and Crouch from me.” Bertha noted.
“So the guy was really a wizard, he was not speaking in weird code. And he killed me too.” The tall brunette man said. “Oh, where are my manners. Frank Bryce. Former military man, and former elder caretaker of the Riddle estate. Any of you got an idea why we got here?”
“No idea. But if I have watched enough anime, I guess we’re isekai’d.” Lily said.
“I’ll never make fun of your interest in Muggle Moving pictures from Japan again.” James noted.
“I don’t get it.” Frank said. “Maybe because I was old before…”
“You’re not old now, you are now, rather dashing.” Bertha said.
“And I must say you are quite a beautiful woman.” Frank said.
“This is not what I used to look like. Somehow in this world I’m more…beautiful. Never thought I could be.” Bertha said with a blush.
“And humble too, so not only your appearance is beautiful.” Frank said.
“Er…I suggest that we just navigate ourselves through this weird world and see if we can find food and shelter, because if I know my tropes, we are in for a heck of an adventure.” Lily said.
“Since we’re technically alive now, you think we can find a way back home and remain alive?” James wondered.
“With how things usually go in these type of situations, most likely at the end of this great adventure.” Lily explained.
“She sounds like she knows what she is talking about more than me, so take the lead, young lady.” Frank said.
“I’m confused too so I’ll follow your lead too.” Bertha noted.
“I’ll follow you everywhere, my love.” James said.
And these four former victims of Voldemort have gotten a second chance…and with that this story has completely gone off the rails as a whole.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(1) Hey what are you doing with my car, you twit?