Chapter 5
Katya's not sure she has ever been stressed out more.
She's been on edge her whole life but this is different. She knows she's not actively shaking hands with death anymore but the aftershock is still pretty real.
Her injuries are pretty damn real, too, with the way it hurts to move and to make any other expression other than the Resting Sad Face her acquaintances from school said she has.
She promises she's not sad.
Well, maybe a little. But she's been sad all her life and that's nothing new, y'know?
Neither is the crippling stress, but that's her main issue right now.
Well, if she's stressed out, it's her own fault. She got herself here.
But she'd rather be here than there. Better here than back in the Red Room.
Katya's not sure what to feel other than stress. Natasha, Annika, and Nicola have proved themselves trustworthy and they're gentle with Calliope, but an off feeling at the back of her mind tells her there's something to be worried about.
Then there's blood coming out of her mouth and now there's totally something to be worried about because they're rushing her onto a bed and a tube into her lungs and there's barely any time for her to take a breath, partially because she can't. The only time she was (almost) able to was when Natasha sat next to her and told her to, breathing with her and rubbing soothing circles onto her back.
And although everything hurts and her body aches from fighting for her life and then almost losing it, she knows which she'd prefer.
Before it kinda sucked.
It sucked a lot, really.
And after, which is now, things are better, despite the chest tube and the way they had to cut open her wrist and hold it in place with plates and screws and a bunch of other shit she didn't ask for.
But she got herself here. It's her own fault. She's always the one getting herself in trouble so she really has no one else to blame but herself here.
So when Doctor Carson and Natasha made Katya (kind of) promise to take medication for the pain, she only said yes for Calliope.
That's all she ever does things for. Her baby sister is probably the only reason she's not back in the Red Room.
Katya has a tendency to...do whatever she wants. That includes sneaking out to go swimming with her friends and making pancakes during any hour of the day. It also includes getting in fights and talking back to their handlers and then getting punished by her handlers, but all for good reason.
Really, it is. She doesn't just do random shit for fun.
Okay, that's a lie. She would always sneak out for fun.
But she does the other stuff for Calliope.
She'll get up if Calliope can't sleep and make the both of them pancakes, and then tell their idiot "father" off for getting mad at her for it (why can't she make pancakes if she wants to make pancakes?)
She'll punch someone (anyone) in the face if they're bullying her little sister because that's her sister, and no one gets to her feelings.
Katya does most, if not all things, with her sister in mind. She's not selfless by any means, not after the things she's done, but the last thing she wants is for them to be separated for her incompetence.
Everything she does tends to go that way. Every mission a "failure" because there's always something she can't seem to get right. She'd argue that she was doing pretty well in that underground fight club in Macau, but apparently not well enough when she got moved to Patras and met Callie. Macau was the longest mission she'd been on until Greece, lasting three years.
And all she ever knew about it was that Dreykov needed intel on an ex-Widow, a deserter who he wanted back on his side. Not a name or a description, yet it was Katya's fault they couldn't find her. So really, what did they expect her to do?
When they moved her to Greece, Dreykov said nothing more than, "You have a new assignment. Look after my best until the mission is complete. Maybe she'll give me more information than you could."
Ugh. Fuck him. How the hell was she supposed to give him information when she didn't know who she was looking for? She really just reported suspicious activity involving women who had a skill set similar to a Widow's. The closest she got to a lead was a woman she'd suspected since the beginning. That third year was the last because the woman figured out who Katya was and why she was there and ran.
Straight to Greece, apparently, because that's where she ended up, in Greece with Callie.
She wouldn't have it any other way, even if it meant enduring the punishment when things didn't go as planned. Thank God the last time they'd hurt her was, well, the last time, because Katya definitely wouldn't have survived otherwise.
But in the end, she'd do it again. If her fake father was smart (he's proven countless times that he isn't), he'd see that the stupid mission was exhausting Calliope. Everyday the younger girl would come back even more frustrated than the day before, tired of faking everything to get close to a few kid's parents that knew their target. That's what Widows do, they were best at faking things, but Calliope was tired and Katya would never admit it out loud, but she was tired of getting hurt all the time.
She would have kept doing it, but that doesn't mean she despised it any less. Katya loves her sister and frankly would do anything to protect her, so that's what she did. Anything. All the time.
This is for Calliope. She'd remind herself. Do this so they don't hurt her instead.
For Calliope, because she was more important to Katya than anyone or anything else.
Katya really doesn't seem to be doing a very good job at showing it, though. She does tend to challenge every rule set in place and say what she wants whenever she wants to and those really aren't the best qualities to have in a trained assassin, are they?
Her little quirks didn't seem to be much of an issue with Natasha, though.
Natasha and Annika and Nicola don't bat an eye when she snaps that the people she killed deserved it or tell her to stop talking when she asks questions.
And they don't, y'know, leave her for dead, so that's a plus.
When she slips up and calls Natasha "mom" after waking up during the night, the woman calls her a nickname.
Katya doesn't even hate it.
Has Calliope made her soft?
No, no, she just got soft for her.
Turns out getting hurt isn't the only thing she'll do for Calliope.
She definitely doesn't hate that.
Natasha had persuaded her to take medicine for the pain she's bound to experience. Thank God she doesn't need any more before they went to bed or else she's sure to have a breakdown and that's the last thing she needs.
And, y'know, Natasha's nice. She's good, not only to Callie, but to her. Usually Katya wouldn't care who was nice to her, as long as they were nice to her little sister. But Natasha was nice to both of them and no one's ever that nice to Katya unless they want something. Natasha doesn't even want anything from Katya in return.
She lets them sleep and gives them soothing pats on the arm or wipes hair out of their face or gives them water when they wake up during the night.
It's nice, and her daughters are nice, too. There are a lot of them and they're all older, and even though they all have different personalities, they all assume the role of their older sisters almost immediately.
They watch cartoons with them and Tallulah braids their hair (because she insists she does it best), and they tell funny stories. They're nice and cool and Katya thinks they'll get up to a lot of mischief in the future.
They're watching Bambi after breakfast (pancakes, Natasha caved) when Holland grabs the remote and pauses the film.
"Katya looks like Bambi. Brown eyes, brown hair and stuff."
Aurelia snatches the remote from her, un-pausing the movie. "And you had to pause the movie to say that?"
Holland scoffs. "Yeah, it was a revolutionary discovery!"
Tallulah shakes her head from where she's perched behind Calliope, braiding her hair now. "I was thinking the same thing, Holland, it wasn't that revolutionary."
"I bet Katya and Calliope thought it was pretty revolutionary." Holland says, her eyebrows raised toward them expectantly.
Katya and Calliope say "I didn't" at the same time everyone else says, "they didn't" and Katya laughs a lot harder than she has in a while, even through the pain. She even elicits a giggle from Calliope, who hasn't done much but smile since they got there.
Katya makes it her side quest to make Calliope laugh by the end of the week at most.
And although she's enjoying herself and actually happy for once, she's in pain. Yeah, she said it. It kinda hurts when she breathes too deeply and her wrist is throbbing and it's getting really uncomfortable to move with the brand. And the cut on her face makes it hurt when she smiles or laughs or does fucking anything.
Katya couldn't stay out of trouble one last time, huh? Just had to go and get herself half beat to death.
Reminding herself that she did it for her sister isn't working right now. And she needs it to work or she's going to start crying in front of Calliope and Natasha and her really great daughters.
Katya wants to say something but she knows that if she tries she'll start crying. Because of the pain and how badly she seems to fuck everything up.
She took medicine before breakfast when she was supposed to and it's taking way too long for her liking to kick in.
Calliope seems to notice the mood change because she grabs her hand and starts tracing letters onto it.
Are you okay?
Katya manages a (painful) smile and nods. And Callie, ever the one to call her out in the most subtle of ways, looks her up and down and shakes her head. She pokes at Katya's side and Katya hisses in pain.
"Fuck, don't do that!" She hisses, drawing the attention of the others in the room.
"Everything okay?" Natasha asks, looking at Katya in particular.
Katya nods but Calliope shakes her head. "Katya's hurting."
"I'm fine. I just took them. They'll kick in soon enough."
"Liar. You got all stiff and then you stopped talking and when I poked you you winced."
"Because I broke a rib, idiot!"
Natasha chuckles then sighs. "I know it hurts, I'm sorry."
"It'll only take half an hour to kick in." Nicola reminds her, giving her a reassuring smile.
"Yeah." Katya says, nodding. She cringes as her voice wobbles.
Reading the room and probably understanding how embarrassing it feels to be vulnerable in front of people she just met, Holland gets up from her awkward position in the chair. "Alright, then. Hope you feel better, Bambi, we're gonna go annoy Wilson and Barnes. Seeya later, kay?"
Katya nods and smiles as the others excuse themselves similarly, Tallulah finishing Calliope's braids and then framing Katya's bangs to frame her face and stepping back to examine her work before nodding and going, "pretty."
They leave and Katya can see that they're piquing Calliope's interest because of whatever they're going to do.
Katya nudges her. "Wanna go?"
Calliope shrugs but Katya knows her sister. "It's okay if you want to, I'll be okay."
"I can stay if you need me." Calliope offers.
Katya puts her good arm over her sister's shoulder. "I'll always need you, one. And two, you can go explore if you want to. I promise you I'll be okay, Callie. Natasha will take care of me."
That seems to be enough for Calliope as she looks between them. "You'll take care of Katya?"
Natasha smiles and crosses her heart. "Promise."
Calliope sighs and looks back at Katya before nodding. "I'll go. Rest so you can feel better, please?"
Katya grins at her sister, always sincere. "I will if you promise to do the same. Don't do anything too tiring."
Calliope holds out her pinky finger and Katya takes it, solidifying the promise.
"And tell them I said to look after you." Katya adds on.
"As if we'd do anything else." Inessa chimes in with a laugh, poking her head back through the door. "We wondered if you were coming. Are you?"
Calliope nods excitedly before nearly tackling Katya with a hug. Katya stifles a groan of pain and kisses the top of her head and urges Calliope to go, laughing as she takes Inessa's hand and leaves.
She'll really never get sick of seeing her little sister happy.
You know what she will get sick of, though? Her stupid injuries. Real fast if they keep hurting like this.
Logically, she knows she won't feel any better without medication and rest, but that thought running through her mind doesn't make the pain hurt less.
She finally releases the breath she'd been holding with the others around and scooches back so her back hits the headboard, savoring the softness of the pillow. It's kinda cold without Calliope next to her.
She's good to just lay there and wait until the meds kick in but Natasha gets up from her seat in a chair and sits next to her, her head softly thumping against the headboard.
Katya finds it really easy to let her new resting place be Natasha's shoulder as she thinks about her injuries.
She can't move or dance or go split open her knuckles on a punching bag because she needs the rest for her stupid rib to heal and her wrist is pretty much a bag of broken pieces, nothing but metal and bone. And it's going to keep hurting for a long time and she has to wear a stupid splint, and then switch to brace, and she has to be careful, which there's no time to be. She wants to go swimming with her friends at odd hours and now that she'll probably never see them again, she wants to go explore the tower with her new friends or whatever she's supposed to call them now.
And she knows she's never gonna be able to look at herself the same because her cheek is gonna scar in that permanent X and that brand is going to remind her of everything bad she's ever done.
Katya would honestly risk infection if she never had to see that burn again.
It's a Black Widow symbol, burned into the spot just below her rib cage on her right side that a soldier had to lift her shirt to do.
Who even carries a branding iron on them, anyway?
The Red Room soldiers, that's who, and she knows that every time she looks at it she'll see the part of herself she'll never be able to get rid of. The part of herself that she hates. The part that's used, the part that’s a murderer, a trained one at that, and just an all around horrible person.
She'll look at it and think it was all she was meant to be. The symbol itself isn't going away and neither will all the things she's done.
Was that all she was meant to be? An assassin, a machine, a tool? Something to be used and thrown away?
A Black Widow?
She doesn't even realize she's crying until Natasha is wiping tears from her face.
Katya's sure Natasha's going to tell her the medication is going to kick in soon or something and that she'll be alright but Natasha looks at her like she knows it's deeper than that.
Katya doesn't know if she knows about the brand but it's almost making her uncomfortable not telling her about it. Her skin is on fire and she can't help but be angry at everything that's transpired in the last day. And a little at herself.
"Alright, what's bothering you? I know part of it might be the pain, but it seems like there's something else." Natasha pierces the air with the question and looks at her knowingly.
Katya's just thankful she won't have to initiate conversation.
She takes a while to formulate an answer in her head, and Natasha grabs her hand. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, no pressure. I just want you to be comfortable."
Despite the pain, Katya decides she hasn't been more comfortable than this in a while.
She feels how Natasha stiffens when Katya tells her about the brand and every thought ringing through her head.
Natasha nods when she's done. "I think you're a lot more than an assassin. You're a sister. A great one, at that. From what I know, you put yourself in harm's way an awful lot for Calliope. You'd do anything for her, and you have."
"She's all I have." Katya replies softly. "I love her."
She kind of feels childish talking about her sister in a way she's never had to before until Natasha's chin rests on top of her head and and hand that was holding Katya's moves to sling around her shoulder. "I know, and believe me, you proved that. You're a great sister, but you're also a person. Dreykov wanted to mold us into emotionless machines for our entire lives and you're more than that. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. Black Widows used to be all we were, but not anymore."
They watch whatever show plays for a little bit while Katya ponders over her words.
She's content to leave it at that and then Natasha adds. "And I hope you know Callie's not all you have anymore."
Katya tries not to smile and fails miserably, mumbling a "thanks".
She's quickly realizing how much better Natasha tends to make things. Natasha's kind of like water for her fire (class A fires, not gas ones, she knows better) and it's easy to let her walls down for Natasha, too. It's easy to relax around her and lean on her because she's really comfortable, and Katya's getting a little tired.
Her pain, both the mental and physical kind, melts away, then Natasha's laying her down and she's falling asleep.
Best sleep of her life, because when she wakes up, she's not on edge and she's not stressed out of her mind.
And she's still not dying, so that's pretty good.
She's actually really hungry.
The others are back and in their respective places from earlier, except now Calliope sits in Natasha's lap. They're talking and laughing and all their eyes are trained on the TV. Even Holland and Aurelia seem to be actually enjoying being sat near each other, which Katya didn't think was possible.
Natasha's sitting up in bed next to her and she turns to face Katya when she notices she's awake. "Hey sleepyhead, you hungry?"
Katya breathes out a huff of laughter and then nods. This is probably the best she's ever felt, and quite literally nothing could make it better.
But then Calliope laughs.
It's because of a show they're watching, and it's all giggly and high-pitched and it catches them all by surprise.
Oh, thank God. All world order has been restored.
Things aren't the same as before, they'll never be, but she can't find it in herself to be mad about that.
It's not the same but it's a lot better, and Katya can get behind that.
And besides, all the things she liked before, she could probably still do (or at least get away with) now.
She can make pancakes whenever she wants and watch cartoons and make her sister laugh.
And she could probably get away with sneaking out. Holland would totally do it with her.
Yeah, they'll get up to so much fun in the future. She can see it now.
She can see movie nights and road trips and sneaking out, and fighting over stupid things and laughing about it after, and inside jokes, and "don't tell Mom!" when one of them does something they weren't supposed to, and family. Like, the domestic type shit she's seen on TV.
The thought not only amuses Katya but excites her.
It's exciting and she's actually excited. Still a little stressed with the way things have been, but anticipating everything going to happen.
For the first time in her life, she's really, truly excited.
Finally. Katya's only been waiting her whole life.
Looks like she won't have to wait much longer.