Hot and Cold

Xiaoting is the only member left lying on the couch. The other girls had been preparing for bed and were already in their rooms. She has been peaking at their balcony from time to time. It has been an hour. 'Did they like each other so much they have to make a follow-up this long? They just met.' In her mind, these are what is going on. Yujin has been talking with her date for an hour now. And Xiaoting is staying on the couch so she can see when she'll get off the phone. She has to talk to her.

After the phone call, she watches Yujin pace around the kitchen.

"You want some? This one... or this one?" The leader makes her pick between mango slices and green grapes. "Mango." She answered, a smile creeping on her face. She feels relieved that Yujin is still talking to her. She's already bracing herself if there would be changes in how Yujin will treat her.

"Come." Yujin makes her follow through the balcony. "Close it please." She ordered her. They both pulled the chair near the table and sit. The leader started to eat. She looks relaxed feeling the air. A few minutes after, she cleared her throat to make Xiaoting turn to her.

"I wanted to talk to you... about earlier. I said something I shouldn't. I was in the middle of pondering about things and that's when you came, and... that happened. Sorry." Yujin gave her a thin smile.

Wait. The roles shouldn't be reversed. Why is Yujin the one saying sorry? She's in the wrong here.

As if she can read minds, Yujin answered her. "I'm still the leader. I shouldn't have let my personal feeling meddle with us."

She wanted to hold Yujin but stops herself. Not until she apologizes that she'll initiate skinship. They stay silent for a while. Xiaoting is gaining courage. Although she doesn't know why she's nervous. It's just an apology.

"Uhm.. unnie." She starts.

"Hmm?"

"I should be the one saying sorry."

"For what?" Yujin stares at her, confused about what she'll say next.

"Everything. Just... everything."

"Uh... ok." She hesitates to accept her apology. She wanted to hear what everything is. If part of that everything is how she was treated, how she has always been in hot and cold situations.

Xiaoting sighs in relief. She readies her explanation but it's all over her head now. So it was the simplest words she chose to convey she was sorry. Yujin would understand it. She always does. The silence is also enticing that they can't help but fall. They enjoy their late snack comfortably until Yujin broke the silence.

"Ting?  While we are at this, can we make things clear?

Between us."

Yujin just received an apology, but it's not that it can erase the damage that has been done. At least not that sudden. She wanted Xiaoting to put an end to her questions. She doesn't want to go through another push-and-pull cycle again. This has to stop. So stop it will if it needs to.

Seeing Xiaoting nod, she continues. "We.. uhm.. how am I going to say this... I wanted to... well, do you... do you know I like you?  I'm not just sure you're getting it... It seems like you do but I just want to.. make sure? Yeah."

Yujin hides her face in embarrassment.  In her head, she's scrambling for the right words to say next so she'll not stutter like this.

Xiaoting is as occupied to even notice how the leader's face is a blushing mess. She was thinking of the first time she heard Yujin tell her she likes her. It was unlike any of the confessions that Xiaoting received. Nothing grand nor dramatic. The girls were sightseeing during a schedule abroad, and Yujin just pulled Xiaoting away from the group. There was a flower stand near where they were. But Yujin gave her a wildflower: that kind that you could pick from the ground.

"Isn't it rare where these flowers grow? Anyway, here. For you."

"Ok? Thank you. But why?"

"It's just wonderful you wouldn't know what could bloom in spaces you don't expect."

"Yeah. And?"

"I'm saying... something sprouted in a situation I didn't expect. You were standing there being effortlessly breathtaking, yet  I felt a thousand butterflies storming inside me. That's when it came to me, I like you. I like you, Xiaoting."

It was a spontaneous confession. Since then, the leader never failed to make Xiaoting see and feel how much she likes her.

Hearing it again straight from Yujin now stirs a weird feeling inside her. Was the leader always this serious? Xiaoting recalls. She is. Yujin never bluffed with what she felt for her.

"Y-yes. I know." She replied shyly.

"Ok. That's good." Yujin feels like her heartbeat is going to explode at any moment. Of what reason, she's yet to confirm it. She has to ask her a few more questions.

"There's a reason why I was like that to you this morning, Ting. I am pondering about us... and I realized I'm tired....of what you're doing to me... but I also thought you're not aware of how you're treating me so I have to let you know first an---"

"I know. I know, unnie." That came out as a whisper. Yujin can miss it if she's not attentive enough.

"What do you mean you know?  You know what you're doing to me?"

Xiaoting nodded.

Yujin gasped. She's dumbfounded upon hearing this. All along Xiaoting knew where she was putting her. So the only reason she apologized is because she acted that way earlier and if not, she might continue?

A sudden rage is boiling up inside Yujin. She feels that she has been played. She was having a hard time alone, and the person causing that knew all along. Xiaoting is aware of where she has been putting her. The push and pull are deliberately done.

Yujin bit her lower lip so hard it almost bleed, as she's trying to suppress what she feels. She doesn't want to pour her rage on her member. She stands up and turns away from Xiaoting.

Now, if this happens on a typical day, Xiaoting would have run to her to calm her down. But no, she caused this one this time.

Slowly, Yujin eases the tension inside her and turns to Xiaoting. "You think it was ok to play me like that just because you don't feel the same?" She said that calmly, but with grit. Every word hit like a brick.

Xiaoting looks away. The leader's stare is too much for her to handle. Can't she get a time-out? This conversation feels sudden.

"Unnie... I'm really, really sorry." Xiaoting started with her apology again. It seems like all the words left her mind and she can't say anything than sorry.

"Why? What did I have done wrong to merit this treatment from you, Xiaoting?"

"Nothing, unnie. You didn't do anything. It was me. But I... I don't know. But I promise. I promise, unnie.  I'll figure it out so I could apologize to you properly... but now,  I... I really don't know why I did that. You're always sweet to me. I'm so sorry."

What can Yujin do about that? She needs an explanation, but she can't even have it. She wouldn't fault it on Xiaoting. She sure has reasons, maybe not just those she could specify for now.

Yujin took a deep breath and released it as if everything she was feeling will be gone like that.

"Well,  it's not your fault that you don't like me. I'll give it to you how you reacted about it."

Xiaoting shouldn't have met her gaze. She is certain she'll never forget how it looked. Yujin is transparent in showing emotions. She's clearly hurt. But how can she make it go away? Her words are stuck at the back of her tongue.  Maybe she is being punished to watch Yujin like this.

"It's funny, isn't it? How I really thought we could be. I thought we were on the same page. You made me feel like we two are a thing."

Yujin forced a smile that eventually turned into a genuine one. Just the mere memory of their moments together is enough to make her feel like she's on cloud nine. She liked Xiaoting that much. It's a pity the cloud became heavy that it rained. Too bad it poured only on her.

"I can't blame that on you though. It's me. I shouldn't have thought that way. I should've asked earlier and not made assumptions. I should really have done that."

Xiaoting could only wish Yujin would stop smiling at her like that. It's more breaking to see her still trying to brighten up.

"Please understand that it doesn't go away easily with an apology. I would be lying if I said this doesn't affect me. But at least now, I finally know what you feel about me."

Yujin smiles again. She meant what she said. She should know where she stands. It's finally addressed. She's out of the circle now.

"Xiaoting, next time, tone down with the flirting." She tries to laugh it off. Although the attempts fell short, she looks hurt. Now she sounds hurt too.

"Unnie.." Xiaoting finally let out a word. But nothing else follows. There is silence. A long one. Both thinking.  One is on how to fix the crack in their relationship. The other, on how to save herself out of it.

"Three days, Ting. Give me three days. During those times, I would be staying away from you."

"W-why?"

Stupid. Xiaoting scolds herself for asking. Of course, what does she wants Yujin to do, welcome her with open arms after she hurt her?

"I don't want to leave you hanging, wondering why I suddenly stop talking to you. I know how it feels. It's not good." There's that thin smile and Xiaoting has to look away again.

"That's why I'm asking this. I need some time for myself, Ting. Away from you. Please understand."

Yujin is unbelievable. Even in this situation, how is she still considerate? Yujin can give her the same cold treatment she did, but here she is, informing her of what could happen. The least she can do is not to deny her this.

Xiaoting nods. Although she doesn't know what will happen after, she agreed.

"Thank you. I'll make sure this wouldn't affect the other girls and our harmony as a group."

Yujin excused herself leaving Xiaoting alone. The silence that follows has some weight to it. Xiaoting could only whisper a wish in the wind. May everything smooth out after the rain. Selfish as it may seem, but may Yujin still find her endearing even she caused her pain.