Chapter 4
When you're busy, it's easy to lose track of days. Practices and preparation for concerts drowned the time to sort out anything in mind. So, the three days that Yujin asked for that night became a distant memory. It has been months since then.
It wasn't particularly painful for Xiaoting to stay away from Yujin during those times. They're beaten with the schedules. Exhaustion makes them recharge alone by themselves in ways unique to each member. However, what Xiaoting found difficult is seeing Yujin find comfort with another person outside the group. They were each other's comfort before. Now for Yujin, it became Han Seola. The second date obviously went well. Maybe even better as they squeezed into their busy schedules several more after that. They even get into FaceTime almost every day after work.
While they're used to Yujin always being on the phone with her friends, it's different discourse when it comes to that woman. With her, Yujin is becoming a little extra on everything. Extra caring, extra sweet, extra loving, extra cute, just overall extra.
The members would joke that "love" has changed her. They'll end up making their leader a teasing target and a blushing mess. If Yujin leaves, Xiaoting would usually comment about it: detesting that claim with all her heart. Citing logical reasons, for her, months of getting to know can't be called love. At least not yet. The members will shift teasing her saying for someone who says she doesn't care, she sure is passionate about proving her point to them.
Just like now. Yujin is pacing around the dorm as she gets ready for bed. An earbud in her ear, phone inside the pockets of her sweat pants. She's on a phone call with Seola. From what they can make of her answers, Seola got an injury. Yujin is insisting to come to see her.
The members can still hear how worried their leader is. She moved to the balcony now and the two are starting a video call.
"Woah. I can't believe I'll see Yujin unnie fall in love twice. First with Ting unnie, then with Seola-nim. Interesting turn of events." Dayeon started a conversation with the members in the living room.
"Who would've thought it will be different with Seola-nim? Yujin unnie is down badly. So, so bad." Mashiro said giving her same-aged friend a meaningful look, like an attempt to tease.
But unlike her usual rebuttals, Xiaoting seems to stay quiet and not mind this one at all. Or so it seems.
'Unnie, are you still up? Balcony. Please.'
Yujin is still scrolling on her phone when she received a text from her member. It's past midnight. From what she knows, the girls were already in bed two hours earlier. She immediately went out of the room to check on her.
"Hey! It's cold out here."
She sees Xiaoting who doesn't seem to be bothered by the midnight breeze. On the table are a few empty beer cans. She's ready to give her a word. But when their eyes met, Yujin held back. Xiaoting is never irresponsible. She wouldn't drink like this if it's just nothing. Something must have been bothering her.
"Let's go inside." She held out her hand which Xiaoting took. She brought her inside and closed the balcony door. They didn't sit because Yujin is ready to drag her member into her room. But the Xiaoting stopped her.
"It's late. Why are you still awake?" Yujin asked worriedly. She wanted to warm her up as she feels the coldness of her member's skin on hers. But she stops herself. She's been trying to limit their physical contact since that night.
"Unnieeeee."
Xiaoting has a different plan though. She threw herself at Yujin for a hug. The latter gasped and almost stumbled with the sudden action. They stayed frozen for a while. Xiaoting misses this warmth. Yujin, however, took more time to return the action.
"Why?" She asked but got no response. She just feels Xiaoting's embrace gets tighter. "You want to talk about it?" She asked re-attempting to get an answer.
"I just miss you."
Xiaoting whispers.
Yujin rubs her back. "So the reason why you've been drinking is because you miss me?" She felt Xiaoting nod as the younger member runs her fingers through her hair.
"You know that's not good, Xiaoting. We have a schedule for tomorrow. Besides, we live together. I'm always here. How can you miss me?" Hearing that, Xiaoting let go of the hug.
"It's not that, you know it. I always see you here... but... it's different... it's not..." The alcohol must be messing with Xiaoting. She rarely drinks so the few cans are enough to haze her mind. Yujin invites her to sit and she did.
"Go ahead. I'll listen." The leader patiently waited. She's feeling sleepy. But she can't leave a member like this. Especially not in this state. Xiaoting took a deep breath before talking.
"Unnie, I miss you... I miss getting your attention. You're present here... but you're not looking at me like before. It's different now." Xiaoting cannot meet Yujin's eyes. She feels shy admitting all of this. But what can she do? Her longing just feels overwhelming.
How did she end up in this situation?
She counted down the three days to the end. Yujin did not. The three days became a week. The weeks became months. Something surely shifted. While she was expecting it, she wasn't prepared for the change that was happening. The affection that she used to get from Yujin was replaced by cautiousness. They used to hold hands when they sense each other close. Now the distance is always between them.
The leader, however, made sure that what is happening stayed between them. No one in the group finds their interactions suspicious or awkward. She was treated the same as the other members. She was cared for as much. But mostly in group settings. When it's just the two of them, that's when the gap can be felt.
It also doesn't help that while the two of them are drifting apart, Seola and Yujin are getting closer.
"You don't even like her, you said. So please Ting, don't mess with her anymore. She looks happy with Seola. Let her be." Mashiro's words ring in her head when she started to cling onto Yujin again, and she's sure it's the alcohol, but the thought of begging for her later came up to her. Would that be considered messing up? Xiaoting is too hazed to think. She just wants to be close to her comfort now, Yujin.
Xiaoting doesn't remember exactly how she realized that it wasn't holding hands or hugs that make her comfortable. It was Yujin. It was beside Yujin. It was holding Yujin. It's not the act itself, but the person that makes her feel comfortable. That's why she felt her absence in her life greatly.
"I think it's better if we two sleep now. We can resume talking by tomorrow. You're drunk." She stands up to break apart from Xiaoting whose head is resting on her shoulder, and arms clinging on hers. She pulls her up, but the stubborn younger member does not move an inch. Instead, she lies down on the couch.
Yujin can only sigh. "I'll get you a blanket." She's too sleepy to push Xiaoting back to their room. She hurried to their closet and got the thickest blanket she could find. She went back to drape it over Xiaoting.
"Unnie." Xiaoting softly calls. She reaches for Yujin and pulls her to sit. When Yujin did, Xiaoting flipped to her side to face her.
"My Yujin unnie...I miss you so, so much." She groggily said, giggling. Her hand travels to Yujin's face, caressing her cheeks with her thumb.
The sudden touch caught Yujin off guard. But before she gives in to the moment, Yujin moves backward creating a safe distance between them.
"Oh. Don't you like me anymore?" Xiaoting pouts.
The leader doesn't know how to react to this. She tries to look away but she can't ignore the tremble in Xiaoting's voice when she asked again. "How are you ok when I'm not?" The younger completely chokes on her tears.
"Ting... please... you're just drunk."
It's more of a reminder for Yujin than for Xiaoting. The older girl is instilling this fact in her mind. Whatever her member will say, it's just because she's drunk. It doesn't mean and it will never mean anything.
"Is it because you have Seola now? Do you like her? How about me?"
At this point, Yujin is begging herself. 'Don't get swayed. Don't get swayed.' But how can't she when Xiaoting looks devastated saying this? She's crying now, oh god. Yujin tried to ignore her one more time. However, when the younger member's sobs get louder and sound sadder, she just can't stand it anymore. She rushed to her side again, wiping Xiaoting's tears with her hand. She rubs her cheeks until she seems to be calmer.
Xiaoting easily melts at the touch. She doesn't want to let go, so she took that hand to intertwine it with hers. With pleading eyes, blurry with tears, she pulled Yujin close to her. So close. So tight that the latter couldn't run away even if she wants to.
"Can't you just like me back? Unnie, don't like anyone else. Just like me back, please. Unnie, please..."
Xiaoting's voice fades into a whisper and soft sobs. She's desperate. Desperate to have Yujin's attention back for herself. But soon she's lost to alcohol and drifted asleep before Yujin could even react to what was happening.
Now, looking at her sleeping member, from their hands still clasped to the traces of tears on her face, Yujin sighs with exasperation.
"Ting... you're making this hard for me."
She whispers as she slowly untangles her fingers from Xiaoting's and drags herself back to her room.