Something Witty Times Two

The dress was gorgeous. The strapless corset top was beaded black flowers in Tulle lace framing the breasts and giving the bodice an asymmetric bottom. The translucent red Tulle fabric shimmered over the nearly blood red under fabric. The dress continued all the way to the tips of my new red pumps. Wade had bought the outfit for me specially for the private party he had swung us invites to. It fit perfectly.

Or at least it had four weeks ago when we bought it.

“Wade!” I called. He stuck his head in from the bathroom where he was steaming his suit.

“What is it Love Muffin?” He asked sweetly. I huffed, trying to do the zipper.

“Can you help me with the zipper?” I begged. This was only slightly embarrassing.

“At your service, Pumpkin Pie!” He set down the steamer and grinned at me, giving me a slow once over before he walked over. I couldn’t help but laugh when he added an exaggerated lick of his lips. He took this as a compliment, of course. He loved making me laugh.

He got into place behind me and tried to start the zipper. It wouldn’t budge at all and the dress felt very tight.

“It fit when we got it.” I reminded him unnecessarily. He hummed. I sighed as he ran his hands over my hand and sides. He tried adjusting the dress and moved his hands around front. He paused and hummed thoughtfully. Then ran his hands over my stomach and sides before unzipping the dress all the way. I frowned and turned to looked at him.

“Humor me.” He said, with eyebrow raised. I shrugged and let him help me out of the dress. He laid it carefully on the bed. I watched, interested and confused. Then he beckoned me over to the bed.

Blue box: If this involves glitter I will be so pissed. The party is in three hours.

Yellow box: No glitter.

White box: Not even a prank.

“Promise.” Wade swore. I came over to his side and he slid me into his arms, my back to his chest. We looked down at the frustrating mass of Tulle. Wade cleared his throat, a little nervous.

“What is it?” I asked, confused.

“Look in the mirror on the closet.” Wade instructed. I did. I could see me and parts of Wade. I frowned.

“What am I looking at?” I asked, frustrated. What does this have to do with the dress? Then I watched Wade’s hands move from my hips over my stomach. I frowned and then realized his hands were caressing the unmistakable bump. It definitely wasn’t just a food baby anymore.

Blue box: I’m going to be the size of a house.

Yellow box: A beautiful house.

I elbowed him lightly, and he huffed in faux offense and moved away obligingly. I closed my eyes. My body was being taken over. Little invaders. Like little aliens. And not the kind with commercial worthy hair and fantastic arms. I groaned.

“Now I don’t have a dress to wear.” I complained. Wade clucked at me and rushed out of the room. I frowned, and went to follow, but he was back in seconds. He was carrying a dress bag. It had a red bow and it.

“This was a Christmas Present, but you can just have it now!” He said brightly. He held it as I unzipped the bag. It was Crepe. Red again, with black accents, but that was not surprise, as he liked me in his colors. It was a sheath dress, but it definitely looked more forgiving, and possibly with silk lining. I thanked him breathlessly and kissed him soundly. He helped me get it out and try it on.

It zipped.

I sighed in relief and Wade kissed the side of my head. Wade went back to getting ready, leaving me to finish my own rituals. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. The dress was beautiful. Then I turned to the side and pulled the dress tight. There is was. The bump.

And it would only get bigger from here.

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The party was gearing up when we got there. The man at the door almost didn’t let us in, what with Wade wearing his Deadpool mask and gloves with his suit. I was about to step back in case Wade decided violence was necessary, when Black Widow walked up. The guard simultaneously looked relieved and nervous. Natasha’s dress made me drool with envy. And lust, of course, as was her goal.

Blue box: Holy shit those are some amazing breasts. Do they feel as awesome as they look?

Yellow box: It might be worth the pain and misery she would rain down to ask to touch.

White box: Sexual Harassment is bad. If you know it will be unwelcome, you’re a douche bag who deserves to stabbed in the dick.

Blue box: But can we agree that if either of of gets a shot at that, we take it?

Yellow box: As long as their is an equal exception for America’s Ass.

White box: You can smell the patriotism.

Yellow box: Also, his tits are almost as nice as yours.

Blue box: Down boy. Also hell yes. Threesome goals.

Yellow box: Don’t give up or your dreams. Foursome goals.

“If you cause too much trouble, I will personally remove you.” Natasha threatened in soto voice, and looked meaningfully at Wade. Wade and I broke our little side conversation to realize that she had gotten us in.

“Yes ma’am.” Wade reported, with a little salute. It was cute.

Blue box: You’re imagining saying Ma’am to her in a different context, aren’t you. Maybe even Mistress?

Wade shuddered slightly as we followed Natasha in. I kept in the laughter, barely. I really didn’t want the Black Widow to think I was laughing at her threat. I shuddered a bit myself at the thought, completely removing the desire to laugh. We were a little cowed as we entered the party. Wade was looking everywhere but Natasha’s butt, and ended up bumping into a pillar with his usual grace.

“I see you made it.” Clint said, coming around the other side of the pillar and handing Natasha a drink. She smiled at him and accepted.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Wade promised.

“It’s so exciting to be invited to a Stark Party.” I admitted, looking around, taking in the sights, dazzled, nervous.

Yellow box: That was an abuse of commas.

White box: How does your beta sleep at night?

Blue box: You’re assuming a have a beta.

Yellow box: We die like men!

“Let’s get you some drinks and I’ll introduce you to the people least likely to try to stab you.” Clint offered. Wade accepted, only briefly bemoaning the lack of chocolate fountains. The three of us made our way to the bar, leaving Natasha to have jaws hit the floor with her very presence.

“What’s your poison?” Clint asked, gesturing to the bartender.

“Sex on the beach.” Wade ordered.

Blue box: Maybe if you play your cards right.

“A Pina Colada sounds awesome.” I ordered.

“Virgin.” Wade added.

Blue box: What?

Yellow box: If you drink, the babies drink.

Blue box: It’ll put hair on their chests. It’s not like I’m getting hammered. Just a few drinks.

White box: I have to agree with Yellow.

Yellow box: See? Three against one.

“I am so done with this already.” I bemoaned, sitting heavily in an open chair. I closed my eyes and took a deep, frustrated breath. My boobs hurt, my dress felt tight, I was hella exhausted and now I couldn’t have one god damned drink.

Blue box: These kids are already the bane of my existence.

“What do you mean?” Wade said. I opened my eyes, startled. He sounded hurt. His shoulders were hunched and it looked like he was... scared. He shouldn’t be scared. I sat up and took his hand.

“What’s wrong, Honey bun?” I asked, concerned. I squeezed his hand and looked up at him.

“Nothing?” He answered.

“Do you even want to keep the babies?” Wade said quietly. I swallowed.

“And this conversation suddenly became very very private.” Clint reminded us, getting our attention. He touched Wade’s elbow. “Let me get you two to a very very private room, with fewer spies.” Wade nodded and slumped after Clint. I sighed and followed, wondering how I was going to fix this. Clint took us through the maze of people through a hallway to a side room. He awkwardly told us not to have sex on the couch, then left and shut the doors. Wade’s boxes were silent. I didn’t know what to say. How to explain.

Wade sat down heavily on the couch and put his head down into his hands.

White box: You should have known better. No one would willingly have your children.

Yellow box: We have to respect her choice.

White box: A woman’s right to choose and take them away before they are in our arms.

Yellow box: They’re just little jellybeans. Not babies. Not yet.

White box: Not ever.

“I’m not getting an abortion.” I said seriously, sitting down on the coffee table in front of him. “I’m going to have the babies and help raise them, hopefully with you.” Wade looked up. I sighed at the mask.

Blue box: I wish I could see your face. Make eye contact so you know that I’m not lying.

Wade slowly pulled off his mask. It looked like he had been crying, at least a little. I swallowed down the guilt. To make such a strong man cry…

“But you said they were the bane on your existence?” He seemed puzzled. I took a deep breath.

“Pregnancy is not something I enjoy. Not probably will enjoy ever. I feel like I’ve been taken over by parasites.”

Blue box: Parasites whose lives, health, and happiness are more important than mine.

“Not more important.” Wade countered. “I’m not expecting you to sacrifice yourself for them.”

“Children require constant sacrifice.” I argued.

Blue box: Not to mention the fact that neither of us will be sleeping much for the first few months.

Yellow box: But it’s also a tiny piece of you and me. A little person that we made.

White box: Two little people.

“I know.” I agreed. “And I’m on board with that, just… not excited about it.”

“What can I do to make you excited?” Wade pressed, leaning forward.

“Give me time.” I smiled. “My mom called me her little Tapeworm until after I was born.” Wade grimaced a little at the name. “I think affectionately calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2 is better than that.”

“So once they’re born…” He led, trying to get me to finish the sentence.

“Once they’re born, then they’re like, little miniature humans that poop and cry and have cute little toes. Right now…” I shrugged. “Not so into the lack of control over my own body. I don’t have a lot of control over things.” I paused. “Like none, really. No ID, no money, and the trajectory of my life at this point is kept housewife and mother of two.” I sighed. “Not all that excited.” I think I was crying a little.

Wade pulled me off the coffee table and into his arms.

“You don’t have to be just a housewife.” Wade said.

Yellow box: Not there is anything wrong with either of those professions.

White box: Respect to all the House Spouses.

“I’ll make some calls about the ID and I’ve got a bag of cash with your name on it.”

Yellow box: We bedazzled it for you.

“I’m not going to trap you inside the house.” He promised. “I’m working on a few business opportunities that might give us some more stable options. And nothing says we can’t get a nanny, especially one like Alice. You can be the Florence Henderson to my Robert Reed.”

“Fewer shoulder pads?”

“And less casual racism.”

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We rejoined the party after a quick blow job against the wall. Because who doesn’t want to brag that they got busy at a Stark party? Wade offered to reciprocate, but I didn’t want to mess up the dress. He pulled out a premade rain check card good for ‘one or more orgasms’. I couldn’t help laughing. Wade always made me laugh.

Blue box: You make me happy.

Yellow box: Back at you toots.

White was interested in trying Stark grade treats, so we wandered over to the food tables. It was a nice spread. Nice didn’t cover it exactly.

“Quick, try the caviar before someone realizes I’m not really the princess of Genovia.” Wade said, handing me an incredibly fancy h’orderve.

“You would make a very cute moose." I said slightly dryly, raising an eyebrow.

“Make all the boy moose go waaahhhh!” Wade added, much more excitedly. He popped some sort of stuffed miniature pastry in his mouth, paused, then shoved three more in without pausing to chew. I grinned, letting my happiness grow with his exuberance.

“I don’t remember inviting you.” Said a familiar voice from behind us. We turned to see Tony Fucking Stark looking us up and down, eyebrow raised pointedly. Wade chewed fast.

Blue box: It’s the Godfather.

White box: If the superiority complex fits.

Blue box: *inferiority complex

“We come to you, on the day of your daughter’s wedding…” Wade began, tone serious and grave as he raised his hands in supplication. I didn’t bother hiding my smile. Seriously, my face muscles were getting a work out.

“Yeah, yeah, humor shtick.” He hand waved. “Except I can call security to come and play.”

“Come on!” Wade complained. “You’re making me look bad in front of my girlfriend.” His voice was a nasal whine and I think he stomped a foot. “We just want to party!” Tony rolled his eyes and started glancing around for someone.

“Natasha Romanoff personally let us in.” I said blandly. Tony paused. “I personally will obey her wishes to behave.” Wade nodded emphatically.

Blue box: Fuck this is stressful. I hope my deodorant holds out.

Tony looked a little torn, then relaxed and shugged.

“Natasha can pay for any of the stuff you break then.” He frowned in our general direction.

“When the Black Widow tells you to behave with a heavily implied ‘or else,’ then you behave and hope terrifying and nebulous consequences never find you.” Wade said sagely. I nodded in agreement.

Yellow box: May we never find out what her punishments would be.

White box: Unless they are part of a kinky threesome.

Blue box: Or foursome.

Yellow box: Imagine spanking America’s Ass....

“Tony, this is where you got to!” Pepper Potts, goddess of CEOs and seriously how does anyone manage to look that damn put together and amazingly perfect.

Blue box: I would add her to the imaginary orgy, but we are so not worthy.

Yellow box: I feel guilty even thinking about it. Like… will she know somehow?

White box: She’s with Tony Fucking Stark. She knows.

Yellow box: So much Fucking they added to his name.

“Pepper, love of my life!” Tony said, sliding a hand into the small of Pepper’s back proprietarily. “Are you enjoying this wonderful party? Do you need anything?” Tony looked at her empty hands. Pepper gave a little arched brow and half smile that looked both exasperated and fond. Tony just brought that out in people.

“Everything is fine, Tony.” She calmed him. “Are you stirring up trouble?” Her little smirk was half hidden behind her aura. He disagreed quickly, but Pepper was already turning to us. “Are you enjoying yourselves? Clint told me how much you’ve been helping him out recently, Wade, and it was really the least we could do.” I looked over at Wade, who looked embarrassed.

Blue box: Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do.

Yellow box: My recent jobs have been kinda… legit?

White box: Gasp.

“Thank you Ms. Potts.” Wade mumbled. She smiled kindly.

“I’m glad you could make it and I look forward to getting to know you and your lovely companion.” Her tone was so warm. Professional but kindly and soothingly.

Blue box: I want to be her when I grow up.

Yellow box: Samesies

White box: Mood.

“Would you like some Champagne?” A server cut in with class. Seriously the class around Pepper was immense. We all gracefully (Grace only due to proximity to Pepper. I mean, I felt my pinky finger twitch.) accepted our glasses of champagne and the server went off to hand out some more. Wade twitched.

Wade quickly and silently drained his glass. Tony did the same, looking out over the room. Pepper and I looked at each other, not drinking, and then we looked down at each other’s glasses. Wade reached for mine the same time Tony reached for Pepper’s. They started sipping the second glass in unison, dropping off their empties with a passing wait staff member. The glasses hit the tray in unison, and the two of the them turned back to the conversation.

Pepper and I made Significant Eye Contact. She raised an eyebrow, glazing at my stomach. I nodded and did same. She gave a small smile and a slight nod.

Blue box: Holy crap Pepper’s pregnant.

Wade kept himself from spitting champagne all over Pepper due to her proximity and poise, which was a contagion that needed to be researched in more detail. Seriously, I think it might be another one of her super powers.

“Congratulations,” Wade said quietly. Like legitimately quietly. Another weird and classy Pepper aura thing. He was understated for Christ’s sake.

“Thank you,” Pepper said with her usual grace. “The same to you.” Tony looked confused for a micro second, and then his giant brain worked it out through however much alcohol he had consumed over the evening.

“Wow,” he said. Pepper looked at him. He cleared his throat. “Congratulations, I mean.” Pepper gave him a small smile as a reward for good behavior. He smiled back. It was adorable and made him look ten years younger. This must be what she saw in him. Adorable.

“We’ll have to get together,” Pepper said, pulling out a business card and handing it over to me. I took it with hands that didn’t tremble by sheer force of will. “Give me a call after New Years, and we’ll set something up.” She turned and kissed Tony on the cheek. “You are due to talk to Senator Harrison.” He cleared his throat and nodded. She smiled at us kindly. “We’ll talk later Maria. It was nice to meet you Wade.” She gave us a little elegant head nod at our own goodbyes and took Tony away in such a manner as it looked lite she was the one being escorted.

Yellow box: She’s beauty. She’s grace.

White box: She’s a thousand times classier than a national swimsuit competition.

Blue box: I think I might need to sit down.

“Why?” He asked, concerned.

Blue box: Pepper Potts gave me her business card. She knows my name. I need a moment.

Yellow box: You and me both.