all because i liked a boy
Buckys POV
As Bucky stood there, letting the water wash away the grogginess from the night before that lingered on his skin and in his hair, he focused in on the slight burning of his skin as the hot water hit him. The steam fogging up the room resonating with how his mind was feeling
What happened last night? I kissed someone. Natasha? Yes. Oh god Nat… shit! Was there someone else? Yes. Blue haired girl. Fuck Natalia saw that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What else? I rejected Nat? Left her… there was a guy. YES. MY GOD. Holy shit did he kiss me? No. Did I kiss him? … yes… FUCK. No. I couldn’t have. Is Nat okay? I fucked up. I hurt my angel. That jaw line. Wow. NO. Did Nat confess her love for me? Do I love her like that? Yes. I adore her. That’s what the guy said. Fuck me those blue eyes.
With that last thought he broke himself free from his mind, he shook his head as if to rid of the thoughts that have been circling his brain all morning. He stop the rushing water and stepped out of the shower, walked up to the bathroom mirror that sat above the sink.
Looking into the missy mirror where he saw a black blur staring back, he whipped the glass to look at himself more clearly and staring back was someone he didn’t recognize this was a guy who: broke his best friends heart, something the old Bucky wouldn’t dream of doing; made out with a guy straight after, thinking about that made him want to throw up. How could he, James Buchanan Barnes, kiss a guy? And also be that into it? He couldn’t. It must have been the Alcohol. Yeah. It was a lapse in judgement. He was just wrapped up in the moment.
But even after telling himself this over and over while continuing to look at this figure staring back, he felt a lump in his throat rising and stinging in his eyes as tears formed, rolling down his red tinted cheeks.
Bucky sniffed, turning to look around the bathroom frantically, rummaging through the half empty draws until he found them. He picked up the silver coated scissors, they shone in the light peeking through the window above Buckys head. He looked back at the mirror taking in a deep breath, closing his eyes, grabbing a chunk of his hair in his left and raising the blade to the thick black hair with his right. He exhaled while opening his eyes before slicing right through it.
This made Bucky gasp, he looked down wide eyed at his shaking hand full of hair. He looked back up, tears starting to fall once again as he continues to hack at his hair until it's nothing but a small ball of fluff atop his head. He scanned the room after, reality swarming back around him, he falls to the floor among the small piles of hair, as he starts to clean his mess up.
After hiding his small breakdown, Bucky reaches for the door noticing his hands are still shaking. He slips through the crack of the door into the living room where he's hit with the smell of freshly brewed coffee, he looks up to the smell to find his two best friends staring back at him. Seeing Nat caused his heart to strain, she had make up all over her eyes and they look slightly bloodshot, then Buckys blue eyes moved to Clint who was holding a cup of coffee up at him with a soft smile.
He slowly stalked over as he approached Natasha gravitated away from him, this caused his chest to constrict as he tries to hold back tears, once again, in front of his friends. He grabbed the coffee with both hands, sliding into the seat that was just vacated by Nat. He know Clint noticed his hair, that he was looking at him worryingly, with his furrowed eyebrows- he could feel the thickness of the unspoken in the air. Knew Clint was waiting for Bucky to talk first. To tell him whats wrong.
But all that came out was, “I lost my favourite jacket.” because he did! On top of everything else that fucking blue eyed beauty took his fucking favourite jacket! For fuck sake he didn’t even know who his name, but he knows Buckys darkest desires and HAS HIS FAVOURTIE FUCKING JACKET.
Bucky heard Clint sigh heavily with disappointment? no. Anger. As he took a sip of his coffee.
“That sucks man” Clint spat out before walking over to the coach to join Nat.
Later, when Bucky was back in his room entering hermit mode. He wrapped himself up in his blanket, put his noise cancelling headphones on and curled in on himself, letting the thoughts take over.
He was only broken from his thoughts when he noticed sun spilling in from the world outside lighting up his room. He looked up, head feeling heavy from crying, to see the silhouette of Natasha. Her body being highlighted from the beacon behind her, accentuating her curves and her hair glow red, she took one look at Bucky and her whole demeanour changed from stiff and awkwards to soft and understanding, in an instant.
She quickly walked over, sliding her arms perfectly around his shoulders, like they belonged there and squeezed gently. This small act of love washed over him like a wave of comfort and he fell apart into her. Bucky wasn’t sure how he had any tears left but they flowed out like he’d been keeping it bottled up all day.
“Hey Buck…whats-” she cooded, but Bucky had to speak first. He couldn’t let Nat think this was about her, this was his own fault, his own doing. His whole reality had been shattered and he felt like he was loosing himself, all because he liked a boy… because he kissed a boy…
“I’m so sorry Natalia. I should have been better at communicating. I should have stayed with you. I shouldn’t have walked away.”- then I would have never met him- “I shouldn’t have ignored you all morning, but I didn’t know where we stood. I thought you hated me. Maybe you do hate me.”- she should- “I just wasn’t ready for the kiss you know. I was hurt by what you said to me. I was angry and confused. I love you. You’re my best friend. You mean so much-”
“Hey, hey, shhhh. It’s okay. We’re okay. I’m sorry for how I dealt with things yesterday. I didn’t mean what I said last night. It didn’t mean anything. We can forget about the kiss completely too. No one needs to know… well I told Clint but hes Clint.”, she whispered into his hair.
Then more sobs followed, Nat wanted to forget about the kiss, about her feelings, for him? Bucky didn’t want that, he didn’t want Natasha to have to push her own raw feelings aside just because Bucky was having a moment. No, that wasn’t fair.
So he looked back up, his blue eyes locking in on her emerald green ones. Blue orbs looked down at her soft peach lips, while green ones searched for answers. He looked back up there was a sparkle in her eyes, he leaned in, taking her lips on his own. Before Bucky could think anymore about what he was doing, he moved his hands to land on her hips- pulling her onto his lap.
Bucky slowly moved away from her coffee tinged lips down to her neck, planting kissed down to her chest, where he sucked and bit softly at the surface leaving small marks, and making Natasha release a muffled moan into his hair. She had her hands on his broad chest, one flowing up to his hair while the other moved to the side of his face, cupping his check, followed by fethering kisses across his nose to his lips.
Nat gently pulled away causing Bucky to look back at her, foreheads touching, a small smile grew across her face.
“You cut your hair. It’s cute.” she observed, brushing her delicate fingers through it, before dipping back down to continue the kiss.