Soul

Kate's POV

If someone had ever told me that I would be celebrating the eighth month of dating my teenage love, I might have laughed and then cried for my bad luck. Falling in love with Natasha was the hardest thing in my life because wanting something so desperately knowing you will never have it is something that lacerates the heart in a permanent way.

I couldn't say exactly when it happened, but I can say that from the first moment I saw her, I was amazed by her beauty. Everything about her seemed so natural; she always looked radiant effortlessly, so confident, so out of this world. When I finally understood the nature of my feelings, I didn't stop; on the contrary, a part of me felt proud of having noticed such a beautiful and intelligent girl. I tried to appear normal when we talked, but seeing her up close always left me breathless. That's when I knew there was no cure for her in my mind and heart.

The first woman I was with looked a lot like her, petite with her slightly pronounced collarbones that gave her a damn sexy touch. I never fooled my mind; I knew I was looking for someone like her, perhaps then everything would calm down. It never did. No one had the sound of her laughter, her beautiful slightly slanted eyes that disappeared when she smiled, revealing her snowy teeth. Her curves, which might not have been enough for many, were everything to me.

I understood I had to change when I said her name while being with someone else. By then, she had already married Wanda, and a part of my heart shattered. I loved her even knowing that she would never see me the way I saw her. Mom noticed it at some point; anyone could tell, I wasn't very discreet. As in these tragic cases, everyone knew except her. Even her mom knew, I think her sister knew too, and they never said anything, never made me feel bad, on the contrary. Shortly after her wedding, I ran into her mother at the mall, and she just hugged me. 'Something wonderful awaits you,' that's all she said, and damn, I should have believed her.

When I found out what had happened with her wife, I traveled to New Heaven. I dared to ask for her address and stood outside her house for several hours, deciding whether to talk to her or not. With what excuse would I do it? We were never close friends; we barely exchanged a few words before she moved away. And I definitely didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of the situation, so I just left a huge flower arrangement outside her house and went back to mine. I couldn't do more, and I definitely had to forget about her.

Shelby came to show me the wildest side of sex and the most painful side of love. In this desperate need to put Natasha aside, I let my guard down, and the blonde came in and wreaked havoc from the start. Did I love her? Yes, she made me happy until her empathy-lacking, superficial version came into our lives. I didn't recognize her at all, and as a cherry on top, my father's devastating diagnosis came. Alcohol became a fundamental part of my life. I don't know how I finished college with everything going on in my daily life and in my mind. Shelby stayed in her way. The times when we enjoyed sex the most were when we were both intoxicated; otherwise, it was simply intolerable.

There were so many signs that our relationship was going wrong; however, our terrible routine made us stay when it should have done the opposite. I endured her words and the subtle insults she would let out; I let them pass, thinking maybe not fighting was the best way to fix it. Until I saw her with someone else for the first time, and I said nothing. A part of me felt guilty about that; I had neglected her, and I was submerged in a problem that now, undoubtedly, I could classify as alcoholism.

Then it was another person, then another, and so many more that it was hard to keep up and remember the faces. And foolishly, I stayed there because of the guilt already in my own head and the one she placed on me. It was a spiral of so much harm that I didn't know how to get out of it. I took the first step when I talked to the university psychologist. I had already graduated, but we kept in touch. I couldn't even speak; I cried and cried until I felt my strength was gone. It was the first cry for help.

Mom intervened when my obvious physical deterioration prevented me from showing up for work. I could barely stand or eat, and a part of me is amazed that I didn't die at that stage. When I saw my mother with tears in her eyes watching me from my bedroom door, I knew I needed to do something. For her, for myself, and for a life that was no longer mine.

Leaving Shelby hurt as much as I imagined it would. A part of me still loved her and didn't want to let her go because the good times were vast, but not enough to balance the bad. Especially when it came to what I was dealing with my father. She just pushed me aside along with my pain, as far away from her as possible. Those bad times were the main motivator to let her go without looking back.

After her, the alcohol was gone. I didn't need much, just my willpower and my desire to see myself healthy again. I joined the gym, started eating better, and reading more, much more. I let myself be carried away by all the tales, stories, and characters I could. I read so much, and in every love, in every story, I saw Natasha again. My ideal woman, what I always wanted. If I put it into perspective, it was strange because we never had a close relationship, but what we had was enough to enchant me. Then, in my repairing version, I saw her again with Max. My life changed again. At first, I thought it was a sign or something, but then I saw the ring on her hand and thought maybe she had rebuilt her life, that hurt me to the soul. But no, she wasn't with anyone else.

I spent hours thinking about her after leaving them at her house, especially thinking about her gaze, so absent and sad. I knew her well; I had seen those eyes in the mirror many times. I hurt for her pain, but I knew I had to seize the unique opportunity in my life. All the planets aligned for a 'maybe' to make its way between us.

The confession was the bravest thing I've done for myself. I was about to vomit when I told her, I didn't want her to reject me. I even dared to tell her that she saw me the same way, of course, I didn't think that. I was just trying to corner her a little, and it worked. The heavens love me so much. And when she kissed me, God, I never felt more alive. Yes, she had thrown me off in a unique way by paying for my father's expenses, although I knew she didn't do it with bad intentions, it was something I never expected. I wanted to help without asking.

And as if she weren't more than enough, there's a little version that I love as much as I love Natasha. Max is the most special little person I've ever met. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, and before we got together, I swore I would protect that child as if she were mine. No one and nothing will touch her. I am completely crazy about her, and now that we've been together all this time, the only thing I'm afraid of is that I don't know how to say no to her. There's nothing she wants that I can refuse. Painting for however long she wants, running around the apartment, playing tea time, going to the park, everything she needs, I'm more than willing to give it to her. I love her.

If there's a God, I don't know what he saw in me to give me this precious double gift. I just know that I'll live grateful for as long as they want me in their lives, which I hope is as long as the love I have for them.

As it's almost a tradition, after chores and archery practice, we spend some time painting. I'm amazed at how much Max has learned; she watches me attentively and imitates what I do. I know for now it's just a hobby, but with practice and proper instruction, she could be magnificent at this. My girl is out to do the shopping, Max decided to stay to finish her tasks, and I gladly stayed with her. It's incredible that I can spend time alone with her; Natasha's trust in me fills my heart.

"Do you like the butterfly I made?"

"It's very beautiful. I like the mix of yellow and purple."

"It's picturesque," I smile.

"Picturesque, huh?"

"You say that a lot," I bend down to plant a kiss on her hair.

"You used the word very well, little one," Max focuses on everything she wants to add, accompanying the butterfly, so we remain silent for a while.

"When are you going to live with us forever?" her question takes me by surprise.

"Sweetie, I'm here almost every day with you and your mom."

"But you don't have breakfast with us, you're not always there for movie marathons and the things we do with Mummy," she pouts, "I want you to live with us."

"We've already talked about this, Maxie. Maybe I won't live with you, but you're what I love most in the world, and you make me very happy," fortunately, I hear my girlfriend's keys, and in a second, she appears. I don't know how much longer I could have borne that sad face.

"I'm back," my girl announces cheerfully. As always, I stay a few seconds watching her, making sure she's real.

"Do you have something to eat?" we almost instantly ask.

"I left the pizza in the car; I didn't have hands left to carry it up," I stood up immediately.

"I'll go," passing by her, I take the chance to give her a kiss, "I missed you."

"And I missed you, darling," I smile at her and go for the much-awaited food."

After many slices of pizza and once the little one's energy is depleted, her mom and I take advantage of the time on the couch. We don't get many opportunities to be alone, and although I love talking to her, having her naked beneath me is always the right choice. Each time has been better than the last; I know her body, she knows mine, and we always seek maximum pleasure for each other. Natasha started out shy, but from the first time she went down on me and extracted three orgasms, that shyness took a one-way trip. She's the most generous lover I've had.

"What are you thinking?" she asks, sitting astride me, my hands on her hips, and she's exploring my neck with her lips. "You tensed for a moment."

"I remembered the first time your precious tongue worked its magic on me."

"I'm trying to turn you on here, and you're thinking about that," she lightly bites my neck. "I don't know how to take it."

"As a compliment. I have you here, and everything in my head is about you. At different times, past, present, and future."

"Nerd," I chuckle, and seconds later, she does too. I hug her, not wanting her to move away from me. We stay like that for a moment, just listening to each other breathe. "Max told me," she whispers.

"About what?"

"She asked you again if you're going to live with us. She says you're avoiding giving her an answer." I take a breath.

"She's so grown-up," I smile. "I didn't know what to tell her."

"I talked to her," she says mysteriously.

"What did you tell her?"

"That I would ask you," she says. Still with my eyes closed, I furrow my brow.

"Ask me what?"

"Kate Bishop, would you do us the honor of living with us?" Immediately, I pulled her away from me.

"Are you serious? Are you seriously asking?" There's a huge smile on her face.

"You're my girlfriend; we've had eight incredible months together. My daughter loves you almost as much as I love you. This is what I want, what we want, you in our lives every day."

"Oh, my love, nothing would make me happier than living with you both. But right now, I need to be inside you right now," I say as I take her earlobe with my teeth.

"Max..."

"I know, my love, I know," she sighs. "I understand." My jaw nearly drops to the floor when, after what seemed like a brief meditation, she takes off her blouse and bra.

"Promise not to make me scream," I smile before bringing my mouth to her nipple.

"I'll do my best."

We managed to get dressed before falling deeply asleep on the couch. The sunlight begins to emerge as my eyes open. Nat sleeps peacefully on top of me, a small blanket covering us, and the heating does the rest. Winter is still doing its thing, so the cold weather hasn't let up one bit in these months.

I caress my girlfriend's back, lost in my thoughts. Everything that happened yesterday is a big step. We had never done anything like that with Max just a few meters away from us. While I kept my promise not to make her scream, she took advantage of not making the same promise. Her hair between my legs is etched on the canvas of my mind and is one of the most precious paintings I have there.

"Are you okay?" she asks, still sleepy.

"I'm wonderful, my love."

"You don't usually get up so early."

"I wanted to admire you for a bit," I mumbled into her hair.

"You already drive me crazy; all the flattery isn't necessary," I chuckle softly.

"Flattery for my woman will never end," I almost bite my tongue when I realize what I said. I close my eyes hoping she'll just pass over the comment.

"I like that," she whispers and falls back asleep."

Those impulses when I'm with her have been so, so hard to control. Pizarnik says one is a convulsion with those we love, and that's how I've felt since she first kissed me. I want to tell her so much, I want to show her so much, I want to love her so much without fear that she'll run away. Although after all the things that have slipped out and the fact that she's still with me, it's a good sign. However, I hope my mind doesn't betray me and ask her to marry me at the most inappropriate moment. It almost slipped out a couple of times, and I've done everything to divert attention, including an embarrassing coughing fit that nearly burst a vein in my neck from how much I forced it. Loving her is living on the edge with what I feel and want with her. A life. Together. Always.

“Kate!” Max runs into my arms as soon as she sees me in the morning.

“Hello, sweetie”.

“Did you stay here?” I nod. “Does that mean you're going to live with us soon?” Her little hands are gripping my neck.

“Yes, I'll be living with you very soon.”

“Yes! Damn, right!” She hugs me with so much enthusiasm that even Nat forgets what she said. “From when?”

“We still have things to discuss with your mummy, but as soon as I know, I'll tell you, alright?” Max nods enthusiastically.

“I love you,” she blurts out before hugging me again. I feel a huge lump in my throat.

“I love you too, my little one. With all my heart.” Nat's smile can't fit on her face; she comes closer to us, and I take her soft hand to bring it to my lips. “Thank you,” I whisper.

The wonder of the day ends when we drop Max off at school. She says goodbye with a kiss and cheerfully goes off with her teacher. I can't put into words how happy I am to hold Nat's hand. She seeks physical contact as much as I do; kisses, hugs, touches, our fingers intertwined, something to physically connect us. When we return to the car, we both smile.

“Your spell worked well on both of us,” she says playfully.

“It's worth the fortune I paid.” She playfully hits my shoulder.

“I'm so glad you accepted.”

“Did you think I was going to say no?”

“It wasn't that, it's just that I've been wanting to ask you for a long time. Apparently, time goes very fast when it comes to us.” She puts her hand on my thigh.

“You cast your spell on me for so long?# There's no reproach in my voice, just genuine curiosity.

“I thought about it a lot, about what you said, about how you feel about what happened with Shelby.” I turn my head from side to side.

“I don't want to make you uncomfortable, love. I want us to be fine, and I thought that maybe... we could move. “ She takes advantage of the red light to turn and look at me.

“To where?”

“To where we want. No more glances, no more hiding, no more ghosts, just you, me, and the girl. I'm not asking for more.”

“You want to go back to New Heaven?”

“Would that be a problem for you?” She looks at me cautiously.

“Would we live in your old house?”

“God, no! I couldn't. Of course, the house still belongs to Max, but that's not where we would go.”

“Then…”

“Don't think I'm pressuring you or something. If you want to stay, that's fine, I promise. I just thought it might be an option.”

“It's a tempting idea, I won't lie. Maybe I should think about it a little. You have somewhere to go, I mean in terms of work.” “There are vacancies in the literature research area. A few classes a day, and the rest is work with boring academics. You can apply for a Masters and move up.” The car behind us honks, indicating we should move.

“When did you ask?” There's no reproach in my voice, just mere curiosity.

“A few days ago,” she says apologetically. “But if it's not what you want…”

“I like it.” I turn to her with a smile. “Putting it that way, it seems like you already have everything figured out, and I'm more than in with the plan.”

“Aren't you upset?”

“I got a job and the chance to live with the love of my life. Where should I get angry?”

“I acted on my own…”

“You got me a job, and I'm going to have the opportunity to live with the love of my life. Again, why should I be upset?”

“Park.”

“What?”

“Park,” she almost shouts. I park a few meters ahead. I'm about to look at her when she takes my face in her hands and kisses me forcefully. “I love you, darling. You have no idea how much.” She managed to unbuckle her seatbelt, I didn't, so my movement is limited.

“I love you too,” I cling to her neck, maximizing the contact between us.

“I know it's the least romantic place, but I want you to know that I'm very happy to have you in our lives.”

“I...,” she puts her finger on my lips.

“Wanda taught me to love and gave me Max. She'll forever have a place in my heart.' She takes a deep breath. “It's been a relatively short time, but I know that my mission now will be to find you in all my lifes, Kate. It's you, it will always be you”, marry me, please, marry me my brain sings over and over.

“Always,” I repeat. “Now I know.” I unbuckle my seatbelt to hug her properly. I leave a prolonged kiss on her hair.

“Do you mind going this weekend to look for a place?”

“It sounds perfect."

Almost three hours later, we're heading to New Heaven, Nat's hand firmly on my thigh and our little one in the back trying to keep her eyes open. The afternoon was a frenzy, special, but a frenzy nonetheless. After the kitchen, we moved to her bed, and lastly to the shower. There's no way I can describe the intimacy between us. The knowing smiles, the sweaty bodies, hearts beating wildly, endless caresses, and love in the air. It's always like this with her.

“Do you want an apartment or a house?” she suddenly asks.

“I don't know. Although I've always been excited about having a garage, we could try looking for a house.” I glance at her briefly.

“I'd like a house too. It feels more... homely.” She tightens her grip on my thigh. “I want a garden, lots of flowers.”

“You know about gardening?”

“No, I want to learn. A garden that represents what's inside me, how I feel.”

“Nerd.” She bursts out laughing audibly. “Sounds wonderful, my love.”

“Thank you for accepting this.”

“The pleasure is all mine.”

We're waiting for the third real estate agent of the day. This is the fifth house we've visited. Very little light, a construction zone, and small gardens have been the main obstacles. This house at the entrance has a huge front garden and has already caught my girlfriend's attention.

“Is this the winner?” Max asks.

“Maybe. It has potential.” her mom replies. “It has a garage.” “My whole apartment fits in that garage, Nat.” I'm about to answer when I see a car approaching. It parks in front of the garage, and a middle-aged woman with extremely straight and blonde hair steps out.

“Good afternoon, ladies, my name is Virginia, I'm glad you called.” Her eyes scan me unabashedly, and in a millisecond, Nat's hand takes mine. Max is clinging to my leg.

“A pleasure, I'm Natasha.” my girlfriend says, extending her hand. Once they shake hands, she guides me towards the house, not allowing her to greet me. I stifle my laughter.

I leave them talking while Max and I explore the house. I really like it. The back and one side of the house face a small forest, so we don't have neighbors, and it will be perfect for archery practice. The house next door is a few meters away, but we'll have privacy. I can easily see the painting room where I'll spend many hours with my little one. Upstairs, there are three bedrooms, one bathroom, and another one in the master bedroom. I just know the numbers will be big.

“Mammy,” I turn to look for Natasha, but we're alone; I lower my gaze to see Max looking at me attentively. “Look, mammy, lots of birds,” she points with her little finger to the forest; my heart burns in a unique way, in a way that fills every inch of my body with love.

“Yes, my little one, lots of birds we can paint,” I lean down to leave a kiss on her forehead. “You're so special to me, Max, never forget that,” she hugs my leg, and seconds later, her mom and the real estate agent find us in the same position.

“I was telling your wife that the house belonged to an older lady, so the style, as you can see, is somewhat antique. But we can make modifications if you wish.” I quickly look at Natasha, who has a mischievous smile on her face.

“May I have a moment alone with my wife, please?” I ask.

“Sure, I'll wait downstairs.” She barely leaves when Natasha bursts out laughing.

“Sorry, but that was too blatant, I had to do something.”

“And getting married was the right option?”

“The best of all,” she says, coming closer to give me a kiss. “What do you think?”

“I don't recall you getting down on one knee and proposing,” she laughs again.

“I meant the house, silly.”

“I really like it because here I can paint with Kate and see the birds,” the little one pipes up, and without further ado, she leaves the room.

“We have to talk about numbers, my love, this won't be cheap.”

“I have the insurance money.”

“There's no way you'll shoulder this alone.”

“I want to do it, it's something for us.”

“No…”

“We'll discuss this later, although I've already said yes.” I'm about to say something when she kisses me again. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you; I feel like this is the right place for the three of us. Let's discuss this later, alright?”

“You won't get away with it,” I whisper before pulling her closer to me.

“I already made you my wife; I think I've won,” she replies with a huge smile.

Life, time, love, beauty, and everything around them are different depending on the eyes that perceive them. For me, this love, this new reality that resembles a dream, this healing for both of us, these desires to love and live are heaven. I would take every bitter sip of my life again if, in the end, I have them.

It's when I understand that years and time are such abstract measurements that setting a parameter is madness. Because life hits us differently, makes us grow at different paces, makes us love in different measures that, in turn, cannot be measured. I just know that life has given me a gift that I can't repay in a thousand lifetimes.

Every moment with them is a promise, an adventure, a breath of life, and all I want is as simple as having them with me always and for them to love me. The rest of my life begins today, and I'm eager to live it with the owners of my heart.