Soul

“Once again, please”, she said. I smile against her neck.

"I love you," I whisper.

It's the fifth time I've heard that phrase coming from her perfect lips in the last few minutes. There's a strange calmness. Our little bubble in the madness.

"It feels so good to hear it from you, Nat."

"You'll have plenty of time to get used to it," I say, taking her face in my hands and turning it towards mine.

"It's the only thing I ask, time with you, with you all, to show you what's really in my heart."

"Ladies, we're hungry," Crysstal says. I close my eyes again and hug my beautiful girlfriend.

"Kate, this is Crysstal Maximoff, my sister-in-law," I step out of my hiding place, and my girlfriend composes herself a bit to shake the woman's hand.

"Pleasure to meet an angel in person," she said. My girlfriend's dazzling smile makes an appearance.

"We have to bring joy to the world from time to time."

"Thank you for your kindness," Cryss says with a half-smile. They shake hands kindly. "We'd like you to join us for lunch, Kate."

"It will be a pleasure," as my sister-in-law turns away, I take the girl beside me by the hand and make her follow the same path as the other woman. "The universe is fulfilling my dreams," she says with a little giggle.

"I've wanted to do this for a long time," I stop for a moment to look at her. "Thank you." In response, she gently brings my hand to her lips.

I'm so happy to be able to do this so simple but so meaningful for both of us. I put my head on her shoulder as we moved forward. Despite what happened a few minutes ago, there's a huge smile on my face.

"It's so good to see you, Katie," my mother says with a huge smile.

"I'll pretend you didn't know anything about this, Mom," I step closer to give her a hug.

"The woman is very convincing; she didn't leave me any other option."

"Thank you," I whisper.

We decided to walk, except for Pietro, who drove the car to where we're going. Just a few blocks away. My mother and sister-in-law walk ahead of me. Inevitably, the times I did this came to me, but a huge hand covered mine. However, something remained, the feeling of being deeply loved. My girlfriend's delicate hand gives me a warmth that I could describe as a sense of belonging. That feeling of being with the right person, at the right time, in the right place.

"Are you okay?" I'm startled to hear her slightly hoarse voice. "With everything that happened inside, I mean."

"I don't know, honestly. I haven't thought about it."

"I'm sorry," I held onto her tighter.

"I appreciate it. I need to process all of this with a clear head. When she died, it was my emotions that were in control the whole time."

"It's a bit logical; you lost your wife."

"I guess no one is prepared to deal with death."

"Tell me about it," I turned to get lost for a while in her beautiful eyes.

"The man apologized."

"I heard," her voice filled with irony.

"He killed my wife, and that led me to you. If he hadn't..."

"Don't do this to yourself. Your mind doesn't need this right now. Maybe it was the universe's plan."

"Why do we tell ourselves that? Do you think everything was already written?"

"No, but I prefer to give another face to what happens. You can spend the rest of your life lamenting or just see it as a door that opened."

"How do I live then with this eternal fear of losing people I love?"

"You love them until they complete their cycle here, just as the people who love you will do. Eventually, we will part ways; I hope to heaven it's because of nature and not because you're fed up with me. The fear never goes away; you just have to be brave enough to love them even knowing they will leave," my eyes fill with tears.

"I want to love you in the bravest way there is in the world," I can't hold back the sob, "but I don't want to lose you. I couldn't bear it. I can't lose another piece of my heart."

"For today, I promise to be with you; tomorrow we'll make the same promise, and so on until life catches up with us. Does that sound good? One day at a time," I nod.

"Thank you," she leaves a soft kiss on my forehead.

"A pleasure, my love."

When we arrived at the place, I appreciated that it was a new one. Wanda's memory was still very fresh, and I didn't know how I would react to being around things related to her. I mean, aside from the fact that I was having dinner with her twin brother. As soon as we sat down, Crysstal began her interrogation.

"And when are you getting married?" Fortunately, I didn't have anything in my mouth, or I would have spit it out.

I don't believe in marriage," the girl next to me answered solemnly.

"No?" She shook her head again. "Why not?"

"Because she's not ready," she shrugged. I must have looked like an idiot looking at her. She's so sweet.

"That's very cute," my mother said. I couldn't take my eyes off her; she felt my gaze, turned, and a smile settled on her perfect face.

"Please, give each other a kiss. Even Jesus can feel this tension." Cryss said. Kate cradles my face and plants a resounding kiss on my cheek.

"So, how did you two meet?" Pietro asks.

"We've known each other for a while; Kate used to visit my mom."

"So, have you always had something then?" I see Pietro's futile attempts to silence his wife.

"Not at all," my girlfriend immediately let go of my hand. "I've always been a little in love with her, but she didn't know until recently."

"That's freaking cute."

"I guess."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a professor at the town's university. I've been there for a little while, almost since I graduated." I hear her talk enthralled, and with some concern, I realize that I hardly know anything about her.

She knows my dramas and many of my intricacies, but all I know is that her father died of a terrible illness. How inconsiderate I've been with her. The conversation becomes background noise as I search for a thousand and one ideas on how to fix this, how to make her feel like I care about every detail of her life, that I want to know everything.

"Are you okay?" My girlfriend takes my arm, and I can see the concern on her face.

"Yes, why?"

"Because I called you a couple of times, and you were lost somewhere in space." Everyone's eyes are on me.

"I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind." I apologize immediately.

"Are you sure you're okay, Nat?" Pietro asks, concerned.

"Yes, maybe I'll just get some fresh air while they serve us food."

I get up and leave the place. It doesn't take long before I hear footsteps behind me.

"Nat?" I turn to see her face, very tense.

"I don't know anything about you."

"What?" Her expression changes to confusion within seconds.

"I don't know much about you; we always talk about my things and my dramas, but much of you is still a mystery."

"Does that bother you?"

"No," I approach her and take her hands. "It makes me feel bad because..."

"Stop. All this crap you're going through is terrible, it's a lot to digest. Right now, I take a back seat, and our energies should be focused on this. When the waters calm down, we'll have more time for ourselves. To strengthen ourselves and get to know each other better. We'll have plenty of time, I know it," she says with a huge smile when she finishes.

"I can't with you," I cradle her face. "You'll make my heart explode one of these days."

"I hope it's because of all the love I want to give you," she hesitates. "I don't want you to be scared; I know I can be a bit intense sometimes... it's what you make me feel."

"I'm not afraid of what you feel for me. I feel very lucky to have your love, I promise."

"That makes me very happy to hear," she pulls me into a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you too, darling," I leave a kiss on my hair that lasts for several seconds.

"Let's go inside; they must be waiting for us."

The meal passes without much fanfare, although I notice everyone tiptoeing around me. They don't want to touch sensitive nerves; they don't want to unleash the banshee that I became after losing Wanda. Part of me flourishes in understanding this; they love me enough to protect me in this way. However, another part withers as I realize that I deprived them of many things. They stopped doing things for me and because of my pain, they endured more than they should have, perhaps for me.

The problem isn't death; it never has been. The problem is the ashes it leaves in all the places it strikes. It's its trace, its smell, its feeling, its consequences that don't let us move on with our lives. I know I've taken a huge leap by letting Kate into my heart, but I'm not even close to understanding why that horrible hurricane passed through my life.

When we arrive at the hotel, I find that my girlfriend already has her own room. Needless to say, my mother took my suitcase to her room. She almost slammed the door in our faces, which made us walk to where I would get some rest after such a chaotic day.

"Do you want something to drink?" my girlfriend asks.

"I would love a coffee," I nod. She sits down beside me and picks up the phone to order room service. I find myself staring at her beautiful silhouette. Cryss is right when she says she's an angel. And I'm lucky that this precious angel chose me. Once she hangs up, she turns to look at me.

"Hi," she says with a playful smile.

"Hi," I replied quietly. She moves in for a kiss, and I don't let her pull away. I grab her by the neck and seek to prolong the contact between her delicious lips and mine. We stop when I feel like I'm running out of air.

"Beautiful," she says while caressing my face slowly.

"Gorgeous."

"Divine."

"Lovely." Her smile grows bigger.

"MILF." My laughter bursts out, and I'm sure my mother heard it.

"That's a great way to end the romance," she leans down to give me a quick kiss.

"You are," I playfully raise my eyebrows.

"It's been a while since I've been with a woman," I say suddenly.

"You had girlfriends?" She inquires. "I mean, more partners besides your wife..."

"I went through my 'fuckgirl' phase for a couple of years..."

"You experimented?" There's confusion in her voice.

"I know how it sounds, but at some point in my life, I became terribly attracted to the idea of a full-on Shane McCutcheon. I was with a few girls; I never wanted anything serious, and when I thought I could make something official, that's when Wanda showed up, and the rest is history."

"How many were part of this 'experiment'?" I've captured her attention.

"I don't know, after the tenth, I lost count." The expression she makes makes me burst into laughter immediately.

"You're wicked."

"There were a few girls I never saw again," I kissed her cheek. "What can you tell me about yourself, beautiful? I'm sure you had a horde of girls after you."

"I've always been afraid of one-night stands; I feel like it hasn't been my style."

"Thank you," I laugh.

"You know what I mean. I had a girlfriend before going to college; we were together for a couple of years until the distance got the best of us, and then Shelby showed up."

"Can I ask?"

"It wasn't like that, or maybe I didn't want to see it that way. We met in the middle of college; she was studying architecture, and they had some sort of rally on our campus. With her, it was the first time I put aside those one-night stands. It was immediate. And it worked until it didn't."

"You look hurt," I take her hand. "You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

"It was at the time of my father's diagnosis. I guess I wasn't ready to support myself, and she channeled it differently."

"You're very noble, darling. She behaved like crap; her lack of emotional preparation doesn't justify what she did."

"My mom really told you everything."

"It was very general, but it was enough to want to dismember her."

"Oh, I like that aggressiveness. Maybe we can channel it into something else," we burst into laughter in the middle of a half-kiss.

"She didn't deserve any of that. I want you to know that."

"I do. It was the social part I'm still learning to deal with. It was very tough for me, especially with how reserved I am. The looks, the whispers, I seriously thought about moving, but I couldn't leave my mother and dad alone. So, I just endured."

"Are you still enduring?"

"No, now I just ignore."

"How does that work for you?" She hesitates for a moment.

"Can we change the subject?" I take her hand.

"Of course, it wasn't my intention to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You're not... it's..." She averts her eyes from mine. Where does her doubt come from? I squint my eyes, and it hits me.

"Did she tell you?" I move to be in her line of sight. "Your fears and insecurities?" She closes her eyes and hangs her head. "I'm going to kill her when I see her again."

"I..."

"When I cried the first night you were at my house with me, I resisted believing it, but these days, weeks, months we've been together have confirmed it for me. I can be myself with you, and that's the most precious gift anyone can give me. Give me the chance to give you the same gift." A small sob escapes from her lips, and she leans on me.

"Hug me, please."

"As long as you want."

I stay caressing her hair for an indefinite time; her warmth is exquisite, and there's no sensation like it. When tiredness finally overtakes me, her breathing is calmer, and I know it didn't take her long to join me in the world of dreams.

I try to move as I gain some awareness, but everything hurts. We fell deeply asleep in such an uncomfortable position that I can barely feel my limbs. Kate is lying on my chest with her hand clutching my waist. Her face looks so relaxed and so young. I remember last night's conversation, and my heart aches. No one should feel that miserable with the person who's supposed to love you. No one should feel this vulnerable, broken, and in dire need of hiding what they truly feel.

Carefully, I free myself from her grip, use the phone nearby, and make some requests. While they're being fulfilled, I have time for a shower. I'm finishing half-drying my hair when there's a knock on the door. I step out of the shower to find a bewildered Kate trying to get up.

"I've got it, don't worry," I walk to the door and see the young man with a small cart carrying our breakfast and a small bouquet of roses. He leaves everything in the middle of the room before he exits. I give him a bill and thank him for his efforts.

"What time have you been awake since?" she asks, still lying down with her eyes closed.

"About an hour, perhaps."

"Everything hurts," she said. I smile.

"Welcome to the club," I say, and with one motion, she sits up. A groggy smile covers her face.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Good morning, darling, it's breakfast time."

"I'll take a quick shower, alright?" I nod. As she walks past me, she gives a kiss to my still-wet hair. "I love how you smell," by the tone of her voice, what worries me most is that she might fall asleep in the shower.

I let myself fall onto the bed as I hear the sound of the shower in the distance. I won't lie; I have a strong urge to join her there, but I don't think it's the right time. Any place is special with the right person, but I don't want a hotel room to frame my first time with her.

"Sleepyhead, the food is getting cold," she leaves a cold kiss on my forehead. I must have fallen asleep.

I arrange the dishes on the small table while my girlfriend pours the drinks. When everything is ready, we sit facing each other. I pick up the bouquet of roses and hand it to her.

"A small token of my love."

"Thank you," a mischievous smile forms on my face.

"Oh my God, I made you blush," she turns her face away.

"No."

"But of course you did."

"No."

"Babe, do you know the story of Pinocchio?"

"Shut up," we burst into laughter.

Our conversation during breakfast extends for almost an hour. We both smile and laugh a lot; I feel so calm and relaxed with the woman in front of me. At one point, we just gaze at each other as she sips her tea, and I sip my coffee.

"Would you like to accompany me somewhere?"

"Of course," she responds immediately.

"I'll tell Mom, and then we go, okay?" She nods. It's my turn to kiss her on the head before I leave the room in search of my mother.

A few minutes later, I'm giving my girlfriend instructions on how to get to the place. With a small lump in my throat, I see the cemetery in the distance and, with a hint of nostalgia, I remember what happened just a few days ago. This is going to be even more difficult for me, but it's necessary. After a few minutes of giving her directions, we are in front of the structure I once called home. I let out a long sigh as I spotted the familiar place.

"Did you live here?" she asks.

"The last few months, I rented a small room a few blocks away from here. I couldn't live here anymore; it was suffocating me."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, very sure," I grip her hand tightly.

"Thank you for allowing me to come."

"Thank you for wanting to," I smiled at her again before getting out of the car. Once we've exited, I take her hand and we head towards the entrance.

"Natasha dear, is that you?" The familiar voice makes me turn immediately.

"Mrs. Underwood, how have you been?" I think I memorized every one of her wrinkles from how much I saw her after my wife's death. She cooked for me, baked cookies, taught me to knit—she did everything to keep me distracted, and I'll never be able to repay her for all her kindness.

"I'm so glad to see you and see you doing well. Where's the little Muffin?"

"She stayed in New York with my sister. I came to take care of some things related to Wanda."

"Oh, that's very understandable, dear. And who is this young lady?" She adjusts her glasses with some grace.

"This is Kate, my girlfriend."

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yes, my girlfriend."

"Very nice to meet you, Miss Kate," she struggles but tries.

"The pleasure is all mine, ma'am."

"How polite," she says with a smile. "I suppose you've come for some things."

"Yes, I suppose."

"When you're done, come over to the house for some cookies, alright?" We both nod in unison. I go to the flower pot in front of the porch and, under it, I retrieve the spare key.

"Pretty obvious, don't you think?"

"This neighborhood is quieter than a day in the North Pole, dear. That's why we decided to live here," I put the key in the lock, take a deep breath, and gather my strength. "Here we go."

That strange smell of mustiness and dampness hits me immediately. I notice that one of the windows in the living room is slightly ajar. It's like stepping into a time machine and going back to when my wife was still alive.

"It's lovely," my girlfriend says.

"It is," I affirm.

"And spacious. Will you give me the tour?"

"Come," I search for her hand again and lead her to the rooms on the ground floor: the kitchen, Wanda's office, and mine. Her eyes immediately go to the bookshelves there. "Feel free to take anything you like."

"Thank you," she replies with a genuine smile. I guide her to the second floor, and that's when my heart starts beating faster. There's another small study, my bedroom, and Max's room. I took her to this one first.

"My little Muffin spent a lot of time here," she approaches the crib, and then she goes to the small bed and picks up the photo on the dresser nearby.

"She was beautiful," she says almost in a whisper. "You both look so happy."

"It's one of the few photos where she's wearing glasses. She had lost one of her contacts and had no choice. Max was only about ten or fifteen days old," my eyes filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry."

"So am I," I leave the room, knowing she's following me. With pain, I enter the room I occupied alone for the last years of my life. Feeling miserable and alone. With anguish that occupied most of my time. "I came to hate this place," I confess.

"Why?"

"Because of everything I went through and wouldn't go back to. I hated life, death... everything. I was so hurt and angry about having to go through this."

"And now?"

"I definitely needed this," I look at her. "I did the right thing by coming here." I stay contemplating the bed for a few seconds before taking my girlfriend's hand to lead her away from here. Away from this space that held so much pain. When we're back on the ground floor, I give her a little push towards the offices. "Don't be shy, darling. You can take whatever you want. I'll also take some things."

"Alright, thank you," she gives me a kiss on the cheek before going to hunt for treasures. I close my eyes tightly; something tells me I need to.

"I'll go get something upstairs, I'll be right back."

"Everything okay?"

"Yes, I just want to bring some things to Max."

"If you need help, just shout," she says, although she can't see me.

I walk slowly upstairs, instead of stopping at the first door, I go to the next one. Tears stream down my face again. I walk slowly before letting myself fall onto the dusty bed, on the side where my wife used to sleep. I open the drawer of her bedside table, a small sob escapes when the first thing I find is her glasses.

"I love you so much, Wands. I always will, I promise," I bring the glasses to my chest and leave them there for a moment before returning them to their place.

Another sob slips from me when my fingers touch the ring my best friend and the mother of my daughter gave me. Once I remove it completely, I kiss it and leave it in the drawer before closing it.

I allow my tears to flow, I need to, I need to cleanse myself and get rid of the crosses I've been carrying. I wipe my eyes and head downstairs again. I find Kate at the foot of the stairs.

"I didn't know if I should come looking for you."

"It's okay," I smile at her.

"Are you okay?"

"No, but I trust that I will be," I take her hand and interlace our fingers. Yes, now I'm sure that this is not the end. It's a beginning.