Soul

"Your mother told me I'd find you here," I shrink into his body, as I did on the toughest days. We walk slowly through the quiet place.

"Thank you, Pietro."

"You're very brave to want to do this alone, but this isn't the kind of thing you should do on your own."

"I know, I just didn't want to put the stress on my mother."

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"I ran away from here, not..."

"Nat, we understood perfectly why you did it. We're not angry. You're still family, and you always will be."

"Thank you," I let out a deep sigh, he gets it too, he lost that day too. She was his life partner in a different way, but they were there for each other in a fierce and protective way.

"It's been a while since I've been here too," he breaks the silence.

"How are you holding up?" I hear him swallow.

"I still leave messages on her phone. I still replay her voicemails. I don't want to stop hearing her, I don't want to lose her voice in my head," I let out a sob. I know how he feels; I did the same for almost two years until the pain overwhelmed me.

"She'll never go away, never," I whisper.

"Did you know she made me learn that lilies shit?" I let out a strange laugh between tears.

"Really?"

"The flower sprouted from Eve's tear when she was expelled from Eden and knew she had a child inside her. Also, in Victorian times, they gave them as a symbol of love."

"Oh God, did she make you recite it?"

"More times than I'd like to admit," we laugh. "She said it might come in handy in the future. Thank God, my wife hates flowers."

"You're a match made in heaven," the tension in Pietro's arms tells me we're at the spot.

"I'll wait for you here, go," he kisses my hair. "If it's too much for you, just tell me," I nod clumsily.

I see the gravestone that I've seen so many times in my mind, in my dreams, but with my name on it. It was once a representation of my denial for so long, and still, at times, it is. I read the name of my best friend and the person who showed me that life could be a lot of fun in good company. It hurts to see her date of birth and the date she was taken from me. So young, we were just starting our journey in the world.

I take a breath before sitting in front of the cold piece of stone, so different from the warm heart I had buried beneath it. I make no attempt to hide my tears; I let them flow as I summon the courage to do what I really want to do.

"I miss you so much, my love," I barely say with a choked voice. "Max has grown so much, looks so much like you, and you have no idea how much I love that. It's like you're still here. I've told her a little about you; she misses you too."

I turn to look, Pietro is also on the grass, with his legs crossed, as if meditating. There are traces of tears on his cheeks, which trickle down his neck. His nose is slightly red, his eyes closed. He moves his mouth as if he were talking.

"Before I tell you what I've been preparing for the past few days, I want you to know that I love you. I always will. You changed my life in ways I never thought were possible. You made me see the world with different eyes, even with your departure. Every moment with and without you has been a constant learning experience. Today, I believe I have the strength to talk to you about letting go, not because I intend to forget you, but because I have found someone, and I love her," I feel my lungs not taking in enough air again. "She adores Max and makes me happy. I never thought happiness would come back into my life until I saw her. I knew instantly that she would turn everything upside down. I... " the tears start flowing again. "I don't want this pain, Wands, I don't want to keep suffering. I have no more strength. I can't take it anymore," I lie down on the grass, feeling the cold rock on my head. "I'm ready for another life lesson, my love, one where you help me let go and allow myself to be happy for the three of us."

I stay there, crying, lying down; I don't know how much time passes, but the tears don't stop coming; sob after sob, I feel the heaviness in my heart lighten a bit. But just the fact that I'm doing this hurts as much as the day she left. Finally, I'm accepting my life without her and starting, possibly, my life with someone else.

"Are you okay?" a huge hand rests on my shoulder. I nod my head. "Do you need more time?" I shake my head. "Come on, I'll take you to a quieter place".

He effortlessly lifts me like a baby and carries me to his car. I silently thank him; I don't know if I can walk on my own. He fastened my seatbelt and, from the route he took, brought me to his house.

"Thank you," I murmur when we're in front of his entrance.

"You don't have to. Crysstal will be very happy to see you," we exit the car, and as soon as he opens the door to his beautiful home, a melodious and familiar voice makes itself known.

"How did it go with Nat?" her face changes when she sees me. "Oh, honey, come here," she lovingly extends her arms toward me and starts rubbing my back. "I'm so sorry, you can't imagine how much," I hug her, letting myself be carried away by her cooing. "I'm so glad to have you here," I nod; I don't have the ability to speak right now. Carefully, she guides me to the couch; Pietro is already there with a glass of water.

"Thank you," a strange voice that isn't mine comes out of my throat.

"Do you want something to eat?" I nod my head again. I know she won't give up until she feeds me.

No one says anything for several minutes. We dedicate ourselves to devouring what's on our plates. They are testing the waters, figuring out what they can ask and what they can't, and I feel like I have to take the first step.

"How have you been?"

"Very well, the kids are at camp with their grandparents, and things have been going smoothly. We've missed them a lot," I sigh.

"We've missed you too, Cryss. It's been a very tough year for all of us."

"How 's Max?"

"She's grown so much, curious, and adorable," I smile. "She's a wonderful child."

"She really is. We hope to see her soon."

"Maybe next time, I'll bring her with me."

"You're coming back?" She sounds surprised.

"Maybe."

"Do you want company?" Pietro probes, referring to what will happen in a couple of days.

"Yes, please."

"We'll be there; we won't leave you alone," it saddens me so much to see him and see the resemblance to my wife.

"How's it been over there?" Cryss was a kind of confidante. We hit it off from the first time we met; she has an aura of trustworthiness about her. We've always had a lot of affection for each other. Just like her husband, they've been unwavering for me.

"I have a job now, it's going well."

"I knew you'd find something quickly; they still miss you here."

"I'm with someone," I blurt out suddenly. There's a deafening silence after my confession.

"That's wonderful, Nat," I see a lot of sympathy in my sister-in-law's eyes.

"What's her name?" The man looks very curious.

"Kate," I close my eyes. I know where this is coming from; I don't want to feel guilty for being with someone. I need validation from the people close to my wife. Stupidly.

"I want to know everything," I've caught Crystal's attention.

"She's a professor of Linguistics and Literature at the university where I am."

"Of course, something to do with stories," I smile. "Is she beautiful?"

"Cryss, enough," Pietro tries to cut her off.

"Babe, it's time for you to watch TV and leave us to talk."

"Very," I say honestly, answering my sister-in-law's question. I take my phone to search for a photo I took in the shadows when she's with Max. I pass it to Cryss in front of me.

"Jesus Christ! You're dating a model," I burst out laughing.

"Great taste, sNat," the man says, patting me on the shoulder. "Ladies, if you'll allow me, I'm out of place."

"You have been for a while," his wife replies. "How long have you been together?"

"Almost since I arrived. Everything happened very quickly."

"I bet she made the first move."

"Of course. I didn't want to."

"Why on earth wouldn't you want someone like that?"

"She's younger than me," I confess.

"Younger? Underage?"

"God, no!"

"I don't see the problem then," she shrugs. "Does she kiss well?" I cover my face with my hands.

"Divinely."

"I'm so happy for you. How did Max take it?"

"She doesn't know yet," I say in a low voice. "I wanted to be sure."

"You wanted to? Are you sure now?"

"Yes," tears want to come out again. "I'm really in love with her."

"I want to meet her," her hand reaches out to me across the table.

"I want you to meet her too."

I picked up the phone at some point to let my mom know I was okay at Pietro's place. Later, a video call with my little one so she could see her aunt and uncle. The joy on all three of their faces was magical. We talked for almost an hour. My little muffin kept them updated on everything she'd done since we arrived, and right now she was talking about her classes.

"My teacher is very nice, she tells us jokes, although sometimes only I laugh," we all had silly smiles on our faces as we listened. "I have two friends, we help each other with homework and have breakfast together." Suddenly, a small bar at the top of my phone indicated an incoming call. As soon as I saw the name, I answered.

"Muffin, I have to take a call. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Okay, Mummy," she waved goodbye to us.

"This will be interesting," Cryss raised her eyebrows playfully.

"I'm sorry," I took the phone and went to the kitchen. "Hi."

"Nat," I closed my eyes, savoring her voice, which I hadn't heard for almost a week.

"How are you?"

"Missing you. Missing both of you," I could only hear her breathing on the other end.

"I'm so glad you called. I missed your voice so much."

"Can I come to see you?"

"Nothing I'd love more than to see you and hug you, but I'm not in town. I had to take care of some things regarding Wanda."

"Is everything okay?" She asked cautiously.

"It will be," I was afraid to say the two words at an inopportune moment.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away. I didn't know what to do," she sounded so sad that I wanted to be there to comfort her.

"I understand you very well, and you know that. You don't have to apologize."

"I'm not sure if I did it properly, but I also want to thank you for keeping Shelby away on the day of the funeral. I don't know what the hell she was doing there."

"Shelby," I whispered. Automatically, that perfect face with a horrible personality had a name.

"She was someone who taught me to appreciate what's truly good."

"If I see her again, I don't think I can keep my hands to myself."

"The difference between what she made me feel and what I feel with you is enormous," God, I love her. "She made me feel safe, in my comfort zone. You," I smiled, "sweet creature, drove me crazy. You turn everything upside down. You came into my life like a whirlwind."

"I love you, you're not just a whim."

"I know, darling. Both things," I leaned against the refrigerator. "I want to hug you for a whole week."

"We can arrange that."

"Recite something for me, please."

"Receive this mute, beggar-like face of mine. Receive this love I ask of you. Receive what is within me, which is you," I needed all the willpower in the world not to tell her how much I loved her.

"Thank you, darling. Thank you so much."

"Can I call you tomorrow?"

"At whatever time you want, I'll be waiting," I sighed.

"Until tomorrow then."

"Kate?" I let out a little laugh.

"I love my name coming out of your mouth," she said. I took a deep breath.

"Poem 456, Emily Dickinson. Don't mention anything until we see each other, okay?"

"Alright".

I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, so I hung up quickly. My heart was about to burst out of my chest.

"Poems, huh?"

"Damn!" I jumped when I heard Cryss's voice so close to me. "You're going to kill me."

"What a great technique for falling in love," I felt my face flush.

"She's very sweet. She recites poems to me, she's told me she loves me, and I just haven't found the right moment."

"So, you're dropping hints, huh?"

"That's not a hint; it's a declaration," I smiled at her, and she looked at me with narrowed eyes, waiting for me to say more. "So Well That I Can Live Without - I love thee - then How well is that? As well as Jesus? Prove it me that He -loved men - As I - love thee." She hurried to hug me.

"That's beautiful," her voice trembled. "I'm so happy you've found someone."

"Me too."

The day I came for it, finally arrived. My family is here with me as we wait for the charges to be read against the person connected to my wife's case. We're all nervous; I could barely sleep a couple of hours last night. That dreadful day keeps replaying in my head like a cursed movie.

A day earlier, I had talked to the people who visited me in the town. The guy was a real piece of shit, armed robberies, drug distribution, and vandalism. Every time he had been out on bail after some time in prison. What changed was a video recorded a block away from where Wanda was found; it shows him running down an alley and stopping to throw something into a dumpster. The zoomed-in image clearly shows it's a knife. His clothing matches the man who stabbed Wanda in the chest, albeit they had a very blurry image of that. It has been through many filters now that new evidence has been found. I asked not to see the video. I couldn't bear it.

Certainly, he was looking for the family of the woman he killed. He had been asking questions, which raised suspicions with the officers who came to see me. However, it seemed like he wanted to apologize. What the hell was wrong with him?

The moment arrived. The lawyer was extremely confident, knowing he had enough evidence to lock him up. He was really there for selling a few bags of cocaine; his lawyer asked for community service time when the prosecutor mentioned my wife. My hands clenched into fists automatically; how could he? The judge didn't hesitate to order pre-trial detention while the trial was set for a couple of months later.

I smooth out my skirt, even though it has no wrinkles. Finally, some justice, finally some light. I lift my face to meet the gaze of the man who killed my wife. I stand up immediately, trying to go towards him.

"I hope you never find peace. Never. You have no idea the pain you caused," I shout at him while Pietro embraces me tightly.

"I'm sorry," he says with a hard expression. It's the only thing he says before an officer handcuffs him and takes him through a door behind the judge. I start crying forcefully, feeling the tears from the man hugging me fall onto my hair.

"Allow me," I barely hear. Other arms take me. Her scent, her delicate skin. I hold onto her as if my life depends on it. She places her lips on my temple.

"You're here," I whisper against her neck.

"Everything will be okay, my love," she says without removing her lips from me.

"Don't leave me, please."

"I won't go anywhere."

If life gives retributions, she's a big one. If life regrets what it takes from you and gives something back, now I'm the one indebted to life because she's more than I could have ever imagined after such a great pain. When my tears stop, we are already out of the courtroom. She takes my face in her hands and seeks my gaze.

"Thank you for coming," I tried to smile at her.

"It took all my strength not to come after looking for the poem," I affirm her hands with mine. There's so much love in her gaze; it makes me feel brave.

"What did you think?" She brings me closer to her.

"It 's beautiful."

"Do you have anything else to say?" A smile begins to form on her face.

"Did you compare me to Jesus?" I smile.

"No, I just asked for someone to prove to me that Jesus loved men as much as I love you."

"Just that, huh?" My heartbeats start to become irregular, as they always do when I'm with her.

"Yes, just that."

"Please, say it," she puts her forehead against mine.

"I kissed you for the first time when you were a mess, and now I'm the mess. Don't let that fool you. I'm not saying it because I need to; I'm saying it because I need to get it out of my system and make you feel a bit of what you make me feel," I bring one of my hands to her beautiful face. "I love you, Kate, and I am absolutely in love with you." She places a soft kiss on my lips.

"I love you, my love," I rested against her chest. So many have written about it; I believed very little until it happened to me. The sun rises again after the darkest nights.