Soul

A dreadful sound, like static, begins to fill the space. I know I dropped the phone at some point because I see my mother bending down to pick it up. She talks to Pietro for a moment and then hangs up. She drags me away from where the people are, searching for a sign of life in me.

“Nat, breathe” she takes me by the shoulders, her eyes filled with concern.

“They have him…” I whisper.

“There are some things connecting him to the case, it's still under investigation”.

“Why do they need me there? Just put him somewhere he won't hurt anyone else.”

“And that's what will happen, dear, they're just letting you know. They might need your statement again. Nothing more, and finally, the nightmare will have closure”.

“God, I wasn't expecting this, especially not today”, I hugged my mother.

“You don't have to go through this alone. If you want me to go with you, just let me know”.

“From now on, you can be sure that I'll want you there, Mom. I don't want to go alone, and I want it to be you”.

“That's how it will be”.

It takes me a few minutes to compose myself, and when I do, I lift my gaze, and in my vision, Eleonor's furrowed brow stands in the way. She looks angry, and I forget my own dilemma for a moment.

“I will be right back” I announce before walking towards the woman. “What's wrong?” I ask when I'm very close to her.

“The manipulative bitch.” I follow her line of sight. A gorgeous blonde woman, with perfectly styled hair and a black suit that accentuates her curves, is searching for someone all over the place.

“Friend of yours?” I say sarcastically, getting an idea of who she is.

“Kate's ex.” wrinkles appear on her forehead.

“The one ‘everyone knows’ according to the campus boys?”

“The same one who slept with half the university while my daughter believed every damn word out of her mouth.”

“Let me take care of this.” I walk quickly, and from her expression, I know that she's already spotted my girlfriend. Before I start walking, I grab her arm. “Not over my damn dead body.” I growled. Surprised, she looks at me, and a faint smile appears on her chiseled face.

“Don't bother, ma'am, I just want to offer my condolences to the one entertaining you at night.”

“How dare you come here?”

“As I said, condolences for someone I loved a lot.”

“Sleeping with anyone you run into while having a partner is not a demonstration of love.”

“Narrow minds.”

“At least the other party must be aware.”

“You could never understand it; it's not from your time”, she smiles again. “I'm amazed at how versatile Kate is with her women”, she scans me from head to toe. “Although she doesn't have bad taste.”

“I don't have time for whatever you're up to, I'm just warning you that you won't get through here. You won't get near her. People like you are just looking for a small moment to sink your claws into your prey.” She subtly frees herself from my grip.

“When she starts pulling out her insecurities, her fears, her lack of love, and all the garbage truck she's carrying, you'll understand why I sought carnal pleasure. I'm not a damn therapist.”

“I'm sure if she showed all that it was because that's what she evoked from her. Fortunately, you have, and you won't have the slightest idea of the kind of woman she is.”

“How cute! The platonic stage; messages, poems, dates, and affectionate nicknames. It only gives what she needs to get, but she's empty inside”, she smiles again.

“Then get lost. Apparently, there's nothing good for you here.”

“You can't force me to leave; it's a public place.”

“Mistaken on both counts. I can force you to leave because it's her father's funeral, and only close people can be here. I can kick you out because I feel like it and mainly because the invitation doesn't extend to bitches like you.” Surprise is on her face.

“I just need to snap my fingers, and she'll come back to me.”

“And before you can even snap your middle finger and thumb, you'll be missing more than half of that pretty hair. Get out before I'm forced to make a scene.”

“This won't be the last time you see me.”

"Just so you know, she only perfected herself with what she knew wasn't lasting to be ready for her real deal, me. Here I am, and I won't let individuals like you come back to mess up her existence." I looked her up and down like she did earlier. She attempted to speak. "Your time is up, dear." A whistle was enough to stop a taxi. "And your carriage is ready. Go to hell." I gave her a gentle push to make her leave.

I don't know if she takes the taxi or not because I go back inside. I see red. I don't know how I put that filter in my vision, but everything is on fire. My blood is boiling, and all I want is to go back and rip that horrible woman's hair out with my teeth. "She's empty," resonates in my head, and her vile way of saying it.

“You didn't have to do that”, her soft voice, almost with fear, appeared behind me.

“I wanted to do it, and I'll do it again if necessary”, I approached her to interlace our hands. “Someone like her doesn't deserve…”

“I don't want to talk about her, please”, she says almost pleadingly.

“Is there anything I can do?” At least I can enjoy the fact that she's letting me hold her hand.

“How much did my mom tell you?”

“Enough to place her higher on my hate scale than Walker and Gretchen.”

“It's not worth it.”

“If she hurts you, I don't want her near you.”

“Thank you”, she whispers softly.

“Come here, darling”, I pull her in for a hug, and it doesn't take long for her to start crying.

“I won't be able to,” she says in a broken voice.

“You don't have to carry everything; I'm here to stay until you get tired of me.”

“That won't happen” I kiss her forehead.

“I'm glad to hear that because I won't get tired of you either”, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, it's all my mind says even though I know it's not the right time. I can only hug her tight enough for her to understand.

“But right now, I need some space, Nat”, she slowly lets go of me. Her beautiful face is just centimeters away.

“I don't want to be away from you, darling.”

“I'm so sorry”, she places a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you for what you did”, she gives my hand one more squeeze and goes back to her mother. I watch her until she reaches the other woman, turns to me with a sympathetic smile on her face. I return the gesture and go to my mother.

“I think I should leave.”

“It's her way of dealing with all of this.”

“I know, and I don't want to interfere. It's better this way, Mom.”

“Everything will be fine, dear, you'll see.”

“I'll talk to Lena to stay with Max; I'll talk to Pietro, and we'll leave in a few days, alright?”

“Of course, my dear”, she approaches to hug me. “You are the most beautiful gift life has given me. When Wanda's incident happened, your pain broke me in ways you can't imagine. Now, I just want to see you smile again. But really smile, like when you're with that girl”, I smile at her.

“I love her, Mom. After Wanda, I never thought I'd love someone like this.”

“And she loves you too, it's clear. So we'll go to that awful place, turn the page, and start over.”

“Thank you, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you too, Nat. Now go rest; you look terrible.”

“You spend too much time with Yelena.”

“And who do you think she took it from?” she winks at me and gives me a gentle push towards the exit.

When I arrive at my sister's house, I find the two girls on the couch watching '13 Going on 30'. Max is wearing sunglasses and lip gloss, just like Lena.

“Is my daughter allowed to watch that?” I ask once I get closer to her.

“Yes. Sit down; the part where they dance Thriller is coming up” my daughter stands in front of the screen and tries to follow the steps. I take the opportunity to get closer to my sister.

“They've got someone connected to Wanda's case” she nearly twists her neck to look at me.

“Really?”

“Yes, and they need me to go there.”

“You know I could go with you, no matter how many days it takes.”

“I know, sestra, thank you. This time, I'll go with Mom; it would help me a lot if you could take care of Max.”

“Of course, you don't even have to ask”, she takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “What happened with the hot thing?” I take a long sigh.

“She asked for space. She appreciates what I'm doing and all, but she needs time. I'll give it to her.”

“I'm sorry, sestra; that sucks.”

“No, what sucks is that I met the ex”. Lena takes the popcorn bowl and places it in front of us.

“Tell me everything.”

“She's like a damn Victoria's Secret angel”. I threw my head back. “She could easily be one of your models. And according to Eleonor, she was a manipulative woman who slept with half the town while she was with Kate.”

“And she dared to show up?”

“I kicked her out.” She bursts into laughter so hard that my daughter turns to look at us.

“God, I would pay to see that.”

“She was a harpy, she said that the hot thing” I glanced at Max, who is very entertained by the TV, “is empty inside and carrying a lot of baggage.”

“What a bitch".

“She had the nerve to tell me that it wouldn't be the last time I'd see her and that with a snap, you know who would be at her feet.”

“She doesn't know who she's messing with.”

“Of course not. She wanted to tear off her perfectly stupid golden hair.”

“I need more information about that crazy woman; I might pay her a visit.”

I think a lot about my girlfriend, even though it's been almost four days since I last saw her. I'm finalizing details for my trip to New Haven, and I'm not prepared. There's so much there that I'm not ready to face. I never have been. My daughter is the happiest knowing she's staying with Auntie Lena and helps me load things into my mother's car.

“Listen to your aunt and do your schoolwork, muffin.”

“Yes, Mummy”.

I vaguely told her that I was going to sort out something related to her mom; it intrigued her, but she didn't delve into it.

Everything is ready now, so I turn my gaze to my sister.

“Thanks, sestra” I give her a hug.

“That's what sisters are for”.

I kneel down and hug my daughter. “I love you, my angel. I'll miss you.”

“I love you too. Come back soon.”

“I will.”

“Mummy?” she thinks about it for a moment. “Can Kate come to play while you're not here?” a huge lump forms in my throat, and tears threaten to spill.

“She can't”, my mother intervened immediately. “Remember that her daddy was sick? She still has things related to that to take care of.”

“Can I go visit her?”

“I don't think it's prudent; she has a lot to do. She loves you, but right now, she needs all her time for that. I'm sure that when everything is over, the first thing she'll do is come to see you.”

“Really, Grunny?”

“Yes, sweetie, she loves you very much.”

“I love her too”, she hugs me again. “Can you send her a message telling her that I love her and miss her very much?”

“Of course, muffin. I will” we get into the car while the girls wave goodbye from the entrance of my friend's luxurious house. “Thank you.”

“It seemed like you had swallowed a fly. I guess the situation hasn't changed much.”

“She was very clear in her request, Mom.”

“But you can always send her the message, you know, from Max”, there's a hint of complicity in her voice. I don't think much, I take out my phone and write: "Max has asked me to write to tell you that she loves you and misses you a lot. I take advantage of that message to add, I miss you too."

During the trip, my mom dedicates herself to telling me stories about her friends. Now I know that Vera, a lady from her circle of friends, was married to a soldier who fought in World War II, and when she met him, he was missing a leg. So she used to crochet flowers onto the right leg of his pants to make his missing limb less noticeable. Or that Friday (if that was her real name) once cooked for the Queen of England but got fired because they caught her smoking a joint outside the kitchen.

I'm lucky to say and boast about the good relationship I have with my mother. She has always been there in the best and, above all, in the worst moments. She never left me alone, like now.

We had to stop because I had a strong urge to throw up, and that's exactly what I did. We were only about five minutes away from the city, and my whole being knew it. I wasn't ready. It took me longer than I thought to compose myself. Mom gets us back on track, and we almost crash when I ask her not to go to Pietro's house. We take a different route and arrive at the Park Plaza, a hotel far from my ghosts.

The first hearing is in three days, so I don't need to deal with Wanda's family until then. I haven't told them I came, and I don't plan to. The time will serve me to put an end to what little I have left here.

On the first day, Mom practically drags me out of the hotel. I don't want to do it. I don't want to bump into some piece of the past out there. A bit of emotional manipulation, and I'm ready to step onto the street. We go to a small café for breakfast and then head to Wollaton Park, one of my favorite places. We walk leisurely, enjoying the pleasant weather.

"Will you go see her?" my mother cautiously asks.

"Not today. I don't think I can."

"You don't have to go alone."

"I know, but it's something I should do alone. Thanks."

"Nothing is going to happen, Nat. She's far away now, and nothing can prevent you from rebuilding your life. Not even her absence."

"I took a big step by letting Kate in, and maybe it was just luck or destiny. But I was so fortunate; she's the first since Wanda, and everything just flowed. I'm not afraid of seeing her in the future. I'm terrified of not seeing her in my future."

"There are many ways to have people in your life. If this is going to be permanent, there's something obstructing your hand." I smiled sadly and looked at my left hand.

"A few days ago, I took it off to sleep," I sigh, "I woke up in the middle of the night to put it back on," I chuckled, "I'm trying."

"Closure is the hardest thing in life, dear. Use me as a mirror. This old lady believes her husband left because he was unhappy. I've never stopped blaming myself entirely, and I know it has clipped my wings. Don't let the guilt of being happy consume you. You deserve it."

"I know, Mom, Max..."

"No, don't go there. You can't do this for Max. You have to be happy for yourself, and as a result, she'll catch your happiness. But you can't dim your light for her to shine. Look at how you'll end up." I take her hand, and we keep walking.

"Thank you, Mom."

We walked a bit further, but we didn't say anything more. Quiet silence accompanied us until we decided it was time for lunch. I took Mom to one of Wanda's favorite places, and we stayed there until nightfall. Back at the hotel, when I was in my pajamas and in bed, I made the video call. They didn't take long to answer.

"Mummy," a pair of radiant blue eyes greeted me.

"Hi, muffin, how are you?"

"Auntie Lena took me for a huge chocolate milkshake," she says happily.

"Hey, we weren't supposed to tell her that," I hear Lena say in the background.

"It's okay, as long as it's not a regular thing. You look very happy."

"It was a great day for us," my sister chimes in.

"I'm glad you're having a good time."

"Will you talk to me tomorrow?" she asks with unusual excitement.

"Yes, malen’kiya".

"As soon as you can?"

"Of course, I have to do some things tomorrow morning, and then I'll talk to you. Does that sound okay?"

"Yes, Mummy."

"Sweet dreams, muffin," I blew her a kiss, "I love you more than..."

"All the stars in the universe."

"And for me?" my sister pouts a little.

"For you, I love you from here to the moon at turtle pace."

"That's a lot, Auntie," my little one says, amazed.

"I'll take it. I like you too, sestra," I wink at her. Both of them wave goodbye, and we end the video call.

The morning arrives so quickly that I feel like I haven't rested enough. I take a long shower, hoping it will help me face the day better. I ask my mom to stay, telling her I'll take a taxi to where I want to go. She obeys, albeit hesitantly. I have a quick breakfast at the hotel and then go to a florist near the cemetery. My wife used to give me lilies, so I think it's fitting to bring her a bouquet of these.

Finally, I'm standing in front of the vast place. With flowers in my hand and fear coursing through my entire body. I take a step forward and then pull back. Some people passing by look at me sympathetically. I shake my head and sit on the outskirts of the cemetery. Breath by breath, I try to gather the strength to go inside. Just that, to enter. There's no need to go directly to her grave. I close my eyes and release the held breath.

"Just enter, that's all. It's not much." I take a step when someone takes my hand.

"Maybe you need a little help." I grip their hand tightly and nod. Perhaps a little help wouldn't hurt.