Soul

Another day, another time I find myself covering Kate's shift. Another day where she's holed up in the hospital with her mother and father. It's been nearly ten days since I accompanied her to the hospital after that fateful late-night call. I've been going there every day after work, and I've temporarily moved to Lena's place, which is closer to Manhattan and Max's school. Max has been spending a lot of time with my sister; some nights, I still see her, and other times, I can only give her a goodnight kiss while she sleeps.

This madness is starting to take its toll; I've slept little, exhaustion has been constant, and in some way or another, I feel like I've just arrived here, with that emptiness in my chest now filled with tragedy and pain. Kate leans on me, leaving her father's side when I'm there, and nothing fills me more than feeling useful to her. Knowing that I'm at least doing something to lighten her burden, even if only for a couple of hours.

I hurry through the hallways; today was exam day, and I know I'll be later than usual. The sound of my heels is muffled by the chatter of some students who are still here. I barely stop to avoid colliding with people who step in front of me.

"For real, I don't have time for you."

"Running late to see your girlfriend?"

"You're a waste of space," I mutter softly so they can hear, but not the students around me. I make an effort to keep walking, but Gretchen blocks my path.

"Not so fast, sweetheart." My back straightens even more as I prepare to face her.

"I already slapped him; believe me, I wouldn't have a problem doing the same to you, right here in public." She turns to her friend with narrowed eyes. I think he left out that part.

"Soon everyone will know..." the guy with the inflated ego begins. I pull one of the passing students.

"What the hell?" The guy said. I raise an eyebrow. "Sorry, Miss, how can I help you?"

"What do you think about Professor Bishop?" He thinks for a second.

"She's a really good professor."

I denied.

"She's hot as hell," the guy accompanying him answers too.

"What if she were gay, or if Mr. Walker, present here, where?" The guy takes a moment to respond.

"As long as it doesn't affect my grade, I don't care who she shares a bed with," the guy I still have a hold of answers. I let him go.

"Thank you," I say before returning my gaze to the corner of the Art Department. "Now, with all the confidence in the world, you can go to hell." I almost ran to the parking lot where my sister and my daughter were waiting for me. Before reaching them, the students I caught by surprise approached me.

"If you want, we can slash their tires. We've been wanting to for a while," I burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry for what happened there, guys, I lost my cool."

"We understand. We also know that Miss Bishop is gay; we met her ex-girlfriend. I think the whole town met her," suddenly my ears started to ring.

"Thanks for the offer; I'll definitely keep it in mind." Without saying more, I make my way to the car.

"Good afternoon?" Lena greets sarcastically.

"Exams, sorry." I turn to the back seat. "Hi, muffin."

"Hi, Mummy," her little smile lights up my entire world.

The car ride is relatively short, considering my sister drives like a maniac. My daughter remains unfazed as I spend most of the journey praying. She knows, in broad strokes, what I'm about to do and that it has something to do with Kate. She's kept her distance until now.

"Mom will be here later; she'll take me back."

"Do you have your key?" I nod. "Maybe you should've changed your clothes. See-through top and all that." I glance down at my gray skirt and white silk blouse. Black heels and discreet stockings complete the ensemble.

"No time, the clothes are the least of it," I squeeze her arm in gratitude. "Can this beautiful girl give me a kiss?"

"Can I see Kate?" Immediately, I'm met with my sister's hazel eyes, looking as surprised as I am.

"I don't think it's a good idea, sweetie," she pouts a little.

"I miss her so much, I just want to hug her for a moment."

"Alright, a hug and that's it. You can't stay in there for too long."

The three of us step out of the car. I still feel it's not a good idea, but on the other hand, I think Kate might need a bit of the energy Max radiates. I step forward to go get her. I see her silhouette sitting by her father's bed, and in seconds, her beautiful eyes are on mine. It's now that I realize Eleonor is there too. I give her a smile, while my girlfriend leaves the room.

"I thought you wouldn't come," I approached to leave a kiss on her lips.

"Exams."

"Damn, I forgot," she intertwines her fingers with mine.

"It's sorted, you can relax."

"God, what did I do to deserve you?" She leans in again to kiss me.

"Max is outside," I announce once we separate. "She wants to see you." Her eyes light up.

"Really?" In less than a second, she's not in front of me anymore. She rushes to find her way to the reception. By the time I catch up, Kate is already enveloping Max in her arms. She lifts her up and spins her in the air before holding onto her. I see Lena, who gives me a silent "So cute."

"I miss you so much," my daughter tells her without letting go.

"I've missed you so much too," she tightens her grip. "Thank you for coming to see me."

"Is your dad getting better?" I see tears welling up in my girl's eyes.

"No, sweetie, Dad doesn't seem to be recovering."

"What can I do to help?"

"You're doing it right now, with the world's tightest hug," inevitably, Kate's words come to me – Max might not get to grow up with Wanda, but she'll be very lucky to have someone like my girlfriend by her side. My daughter lets go of the hug and cups Kate's face in her little hands.

"I love you more," my heart is about to burst; tears silently stream down her cheeks.

"More than all the stars in the universe," the little girl leaves a kiss on Kate's cheek and hugs her again.

"My mummy does that when I'm feeling sad."

"Your mom is incredible; I already feel better." The farewell took many minutes; Yelena reiterated her unconditional support for my girlfriend and that she was just a call away for whatever she needed. During the time the three of us talked, Max never left Kate's lap; with each passing moment, I found the connection between them even more fantastic.

Max waves at us as my sister's car leaves the parking lot. Once they're out of sight, Kate pulls me behind a tree and crashes her lips onto mine in an aggressive manner.

"Thank you for bringing her, my love, thank you," she says amidst kisses. She doesn't let me respond. "My love" is becoming more and more recurrent, and I love it.

"Am I interrupting?" I roll my eyes.

"Yes, Mom, you're interrupting."

My girlfriend playfully squeezes my hips before turning.

"Sorry, but I had to intervene before you ended up naked here. You could catch a cold."

"You're impossible, Mom," I chide with a smile.

The hours we spend there feel endless. My mother took the trouble of bringing food for my girl and her mother. They take turns to not leave Mr. Bishop alone. First, Eleonor eats and then returns to the room with my mother. Now I'm facing the girl who takes my breath away every time I see her. We're wrapped in a silence that has turned tense since she returned from the room. I watch her finish her meal as a myriad of scenarios pass through my mind.

"I'd like you to leave earlier today," she suddenly interjects.

"Why?"

"Because you haven't been sleeping well, and you've spent little time with Max."

"But..."

"We take everything for granted; because she's a child, we think nothing will happen to her for many years, but we don't know for sure. I don't want you to deprive yourself of quality time with her because of me," I don't like the tone she's using, and it feels like there's more meaning behind her words than what's coming out of her mouth.

"You have a point with that, but you're missing the part where I get to decide what I want to do. And I choose to be with you, even if I'm not doing much."

"You shouldn't."

"What are you talking about?" She shakes her head.

"I'm pushing you away from Max."

"It's not about that," I take her hand across the table.

"You should go."

"What's wrong, darling?" She looks down. "Can you direct those lovely eyes of yours at me? Please." She does so reluctantly. "Talk to me."

"Nothing, sorry, I'm just very tired," I let out a breath; I know she's not being honest. My brain screams at me to tell her that I'm in love with her, but it's not even remotely the right moment. Not when she's pushing me away.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"Thank your mother for the food, please."

"Kate, wait," I try to take her hand, but she's already a few steps away from me.

"She didn't tell you more?" My mom asked. I shake my head even though I know she can't see me since she's driving.

"No, she's hiding from something."

"Or maybe she's just trying to protect you. She doesn't want you to go through that pain again."

"I don't know, I just don't want her to feel alone."

"We all wanted that with you, dear, but you wanted something different."

"I don't want her to go through what I went through."

"I'm afraid that's not a decision you get to make."

Many sighs later, I arrived at Yelena's house. A massive gray cloud was hanging over me. I did homework with Max, read to her, and put her to bed. Now, I was sipping on a glass of wine while watching my sister draw in an old notebook. Today definitely wasn't a day to remember.

"She loves you and thinks that by pushing you away, she's showing it," we talked little about the topic during dinner. Mostly because Max was there.

"A part of me wants to understand her, but I don't want to be away from her. Especially when it's a matter of time."

"Love manifests in the strangest ways."

"I know it."

"The question is whether you'll be able to see how she loves you and accept all of this."

"Look how long it took me. Years. Damn years!"

"It won't necessarily be the same for her, but she will need her space. And, weird as it sounds, you need to be on the fringes of that space. She'll want to be alone, but she'll want you close for when she needs you."

"This is what I feared so much, loving someone so much that it hurts."

"As much as it hurts, it ain't wonderful to feel?"

I smile. "I like that song."

"I know," she puts her notebook aside and sits next to me. "You'll find the balance. You, better than anyone, know pain and death, you survived both. She'll need your experience." I lean into her and let her embrace me. "She'll also need your expertise in other matters, but not now." I spring to my feet.

"You're a damn pain in the ass, Yelena."

"Mom!" Just what was missing – "Those aren't proper words for a lady," I don't know where the hell she learned that, but she did. "You can't be saying those things; it's not proper language."

"That’s right, kiddo, tell her how bad it sounds," my sister said with her laughter.

"Sorry, muffin, I thought you weren't around."

"That's not something you say, even if I'm not."

"Absolutely right, I'm sorry." I adore that she's like this. "And by the way, why are you out of bed?"

"I fell and decided to check if everything was okay." We laugh.

"Let's go back to bed. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep," she vigorously nods.

"Goodnight, Auntie Lena."

"Goodnight, princess," I picked up my daughter and carried her back to her room.

"Do you know that I love you very much?" She nods. "And that you're the smartest daughter in the world?" She nods again.

"Do you know that you're the most beautiful mom in the world?"

"Really?" I try to sound amazed, although she's told me this countless times.

"Yes, and you'll look even more beautiful with a mommy for me," I hugged her tighter. "How was your date?" I knew she'd been taking her time to ask about this.

"It didn't end as I hoped, but it went well."

"Is she a candidate to be my other mom?" I instantly smile at the thought of how wonderful my girlfriend is with my daughter; she would undoubtedly be a great mother to her. But then my smile fades as I remember how things currently stand.

"She's a great person, muffin. She's definitely a strong candidate."

"So... am I going to have another mom?"

"I don't know, muffin. I can only tell you that, just as I loved your mother very much, there's a woman who's very important in my life right now, and I care about her a lot."

"Like... your girlfriend?"

"Exactly. Like a partner."

"And you could have kids?" I scratch my head.

"Yes, but not in the conventional way, you know?"

"I don't really know, but then, am I going to have another mom?"

"It's very likely, malen’kiya."

"Would she play with me?" She already does.

"Of course."

"And would she tell me stories too?" I stroke her hair.

"Absolutely, yes."

"Would she make us happy?"

"Yes, sweetie, she would make both of us very, very happy."

"Okay for me then, I want to meet her."

"Really?" She nods vigorously. "I'm glad to hear that," I leave a lingering kiss on her hair. "Make room for me to lie down." She shifts, and in seconds, I'm lying next to her.

"Thank you, Mummy," I kiss her hair and let her innocent scent wash away my sorrows for a moment.

"Goodnight, little muffin."

I don't know how many hours have passed, but I'm awakened by a buzzing next to me. The screen of my cell phone lights up; Lena must have brought it here. With my limited wakefulness, I see that it's past four in the morning, and Kate's bright smile appears on my screen.

"Darling?" I mumble sleepily.

"He's gone," she whispers so softly that I can barely hear her. I don't know what to say, how to react. We remain silent for a few moments.

"I'm coming over," I say, carefully leaving Max surrounded by pillows and hurrying to my sister's room. "Sestra?" I shake her shoulders lightly. She opens one eye, looks at her bedside clock, and then covers herself up again. "Kate's father has passed away; I need to take your car," she gets up, looking confused.

"Did I hear correctly?"

"Kate 's father..."

"Oh, shit! I'll take you," I gently lay her down again.

"I'd prefer you stay with Max. I'll call you later."

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Drive safely."

"I will, thank you."

It takes me longer than necessary to get going; it's been a while since I've driven, and my brain is playing tricks on me. As if it's needed, the car stalls a couple of times before I reach my destination. The gloomy, cold journey is an omen of what I'll find when I arrive. The early morning is mercilessly cold; I feel like I'm shivering even with the heater on. My heart races as I see the building; I half-park the car, and the first image I see is that of my girlfriend talking to the young Dr. Fitz. It seems they're done; she gives him a small hug and walks away. Like the first time I barged in, she slowly lifted her face to look at me. She's broken. This time, I'm the one running into her arms; as soon as I pull her close, she starts crying.

"He's gone, he's gone," she cries muffled against my shoulder. "He didn't say my name anymore, he didn't..." her pain shatters me into a million pieces, and despite my efforts to focus, my mind flashes back to the police knocking on my door. I don't need this right now.

"Cry, honey, cry as much as you need to," I held her even tighter.

In the distance, I see Eleonor with an inscrutable look on her face; dry tears streak her cheeks. She sees us, and a faint smile appears. It's her way of thanking me for supporting her daughter, and somehow, I know she understands how I feel. Carefully, I lead Kate toward her before asking about the next steps.

For consecutive hours, I take care of all the paperwork. It's a frenzy; I get in touch with the funeral home and make the necessary arrangements. Eleonor is my right hand because my girlfriend seems unresponsive; I now understand what people saw when they approached me. It seems like I know what the hell I'm doing, but I don't. I didn't have to do this when my wife died; someone did it for me. Images of the darkest time in my life come and go with each step I take. I constantly find myself shaking my head to snap back to reality, a reality where someone I love is suffering. I freeze when that last thought crosses my mind.

"I love her," I whisper.

"What?" Eleonor next to me has red eyes and a swollen face.

"Nothing, thinking out loud."

"You're remembering everything, aren't you?"

"A little."

"You know you don't have to do this," I smile.

"You know I do."

"I'm sorry for how I acted that day, it's protocol. She was hurt badly in her last relationship. I was surprised at how brave she was to confess her feelings to you."

"I'm surprised," I take a breath. "I'm so glad she did, she's an amazing girl."

"She is. I think you might be the only one who comes close to being worthy of her."

"Thank you, Eleonor, I know how much it cost her to say that." We share a knowing smile.

"Does your daughter know?"

"No, not yet. One step at a time."

"Is it because..." I cut her off.

"Kate adores Max as much as my daughter adores my girlfriend. Watching them interact restarts you. It's not because of that. More because lately, Max has been asking about her mother and having another mom."

"Do you think she won't accept it?"

"She'll be the happiest knowing that Kate will be part of our family," surprisingly, she takes my hand.

"Thank you for loving her," tears well up in my eyes.

"I'm raising an incredible woman. It's very, very easy to love her." Surprisingly, she pulls me into a hug, and we stay that way for a moment until a hospital staff member interrupts us.

"The body is ready to be taken. The service vehicle is already outside. If you want to say your goodbyes, now's the time," I give the older woman a firm handshake.

"Go first, I'll bring her," she nods slightly and accompanies the young man. I walk to the reception area, where my girlfriend hasn't moved from her seat. She's sitting there with a cold cup of coffee next to her. Her eyes are fixated on some spot on the floor. I crouch down in front of her.

"Darling?"

"How does the pain go away?" her hoarse voice fills the empty room.

"It doesn't go away; you deal with it all the time."

"You still feel it then?"

"Yes. A part of me left that day; the hole in my chest is still there."

"And then I come along and bring more pain."

"Death is part of life, just like pain, but all of that is bearable with someone by your side. I want to be that person for you."

"I don't want you to go through this again."

"You don't have to protect me."

"I'm not, it's just that right now, you're not in my mind. There's no space for anyone else." I sigh heavily.

"If you need space, I'll understand, as long as it's for you. But you don't have to take care of me, especially not now. I was incredibly miserable in my solitude, not letting anyone in. I thought no one could understand me, and maybe no one did, but it wasn't about understanding; it was about not feeling alone in the darkness. It's about waiting in that place without light but knowing that when you stretch out your hand, someone's there," she doesn't say anything for a few seconds.

"I want to be in that place alone," I close my eyes, absorbing her response. "I'm not going anywhere; I've finally found my little ray of light, and I'm not letting it go."

"I hope you understand and respect my decision," she finally directed her eyes to me. "Thank you for everything; we can start from here," she makes an attempt to walk away, and I take her hand, placing it against my chest, over my heart.

"Just you, only you. The void is there, but you're becoming bigger than that, much more." I couldn't tell her directly.

"Goodbye, Natasha," she removes her hand and continues her path. With a lump in my throat, I do the same toward the car.

I start the engine, and within seconds, hot tears fill my face.

"If you're up there, it's time for you to help me with her, Wands. I really love her," I wipe my tears and drive home, much sadder than when I arrived.

In some way, I managed to make it back home. It's past ten in the morning when I do. I know Max is at school, but I'm surprised to find my sister there.

"Oh, sestra," she seems to intuit what's going on and rushes to hug me.

"She pushed me away," it's all I manage to say before bursting into tears with all my strength. She holds me until my tears seem to run dry.

"Now you know what it feels like," unintentionally, I chuckle.

"You're unbearable," she hugs me again.

"Give her some time and space. I think both of us knew something like this would happen."

"It's so hard to understand," I take her hand. "I'm sorry I put you through this ordeal. It's a mess."

"You don't have to apologize. We all have very different ways of showing pain."

"She said no, but I know she's doing it to protect me."

"Of course, that's the only thing stopping me from going over and giving her a piece of my mind," I smile. "She's a good girl, and she loves you. This will make them stronger."

"I hope so," I stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"To shower, and then I'll go to the funeral," she looks surprised.

"That's my girl. A rebel without a cause," I laugh.

"I can stay in the shadows; she doesn't need to see me. I'll be with Eleonor."

It takes me a little over an hour to get ready; Lena takes me to the place where there are already many people. Apparently, my girlfriend's father knew a lot of people. Among the crowd, Clint stands out, but I don't make an effort to approach him because he's with Kate. I jump when someone takes my elbow.

"I'm sorry for what she did," I hear the apology in her voice.

"I understand, partly. I did the same thing when Wanda happened."

"And yet, here you are," she smiles.

"She asked for space, but she didn't specify how many feet," she shrugged.

"You're definitely meant for each other."

"Do you need anything?" I ask.

"Everything's taken care of, thanks to you. Don't think I'll leave things like this; after this, we need to settle accounts."

"Tell me when it stops hurting that your husband is gone, and we'll do that," I give her a small hug and go to where my mother is.

"Eleonor told me."

"Now you're super best friends?"

"She was really worried about you and came to talk to me."

"Well, I've won over my girlfriend’s mom."

"You're evading."

"What do you want me to say? She asked for time, and I have to respect that, even if I don't want to. I'll be close in case she needs me, but I can't do more."

"Maybe this is a sign."

"Yes, I have to be patient and fight for what I want. And I want her," I'm about to continue when my phone rings. I see Pietro's picture.

"Hey."

"Hi, Natasha," there's uncertainty in his voice. "Are you alone?"

"What 's going on?"

"I think it would be good if you stopped by here."

"What's going on?" I move away from the people, but I know my mother is following me.

"They caught him."