Soul

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" she asks for the umpteenth time.

"Yes, don't worry," I reply.

"Are you sure?" she insists, and I can't help but laugh.

"Just go rest. I'll see you tomorrow at the university."

"Alright. Rest well," we're both unsure about the farewell protocol, so I take a step back and let her pass. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to tell me."

"Kate, it was just crying. I didn't come out of surgery. Tears, nothing more."

"Sorry," she says. "I guess I was impressed."

"Sorry to you for wetting your blouse," I noticed the circle my tears left on her shoulder.

"Nothing that a wash can't fix," she takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. "Goodnight, Natasha."

"Goodnight to you too," I give her a half-smile.

As soon as she leaves, I rest my head against the door and stay there for a moment with my eyes closed. What the hell was I thinking when I started crying on her shoulder? It was completely and utterly insane. On the other hand, I liked the fact that she didn't seem uncomfortable, or maybe she was just good at hiding her emotions. Whatever it was, it left me feeling conflicted.

I return to the room where my little one awaits, fast asleep. I change into my pajamas, brush my teeth, and come back to her. I pull her close to me for a few seconds before releasing her again. I watch her and let my heart swell with love just by looking at her. She's so precious. Now I wonder, what does she think of me? What concept does she have of me now that she's looking for another mom? Does she feel it when I cry nights away? Am I inflicting pain on her with my silence?

The last thing I've wanted is to hurt her; she has always been my priority. Although crying a few hours ago felt so liberating and comforting that I should consider doing it again, but perhaps this time with a therapist.

I close my eyes. Something has finally changed, something so radical. I have accepted that I need help. I was just a few tears away from giving my life another twist.

When I wake up, I don't feel the usual weight on my shoulders; I feel somehow light. I look at my alarm clock, it's only six in the morning, but I'm filled with energy. I can feel it.

Max is still sleeping peacefully, and I can't resist giving her a kiss on her forehead before getting up to prepare breakfast.

Once I finish everything, it's time to wake up my little princess. This part is both lovely and a bit frightening, as she's not at all a morning person. Though she has no problem waking up, she does so in a very grumpy mood. Today, I'll let her have a bit more of her favorite chocolate cereal; it might work in my favor.

"Up, muffin," I shower her with kisses.

"No," she protests, but I laugh.

"Yes. It's time to go to school and show off the coolest backpack in the world." She lifts her head and gives me a frown.

"They've already seen it; they won't be impressed anymore."

"Maybe today some new kids will arrive, and they'll see it," I suggest.

She shrugs, still unconvinced.

"Go wash your face and brush your teeth. Do you want me to help you get dressed?" I offer, but she shakes her head.

"I can do it."

"I'll see you in the kitchen," I give her one more kiss. "I love you." I can feel her grumpy aura filling the room as she doesn't respond; she never does at this hour in the morning.

She's more talkative at breakfast, which revolves around Kate and her puzzle-solving skills. Max describes how Kate found so many pieces and was able to complete more than half of what they had. Of course, all of this was achieved with Max's valuable assistance. Kate made sure to tell her that she couldn't have done it without her.

Max also told me that the bedtime story she heard last night wasn't one of the books from our little bookshelf but a story that Kate had in her head. Kate told her about men who fought in a battle where our country was divided into two sides. Both were fighting for different ideals, but in the end, the good guys won, and that's how the abolition of slavery was consolidated, leading to the growth and establishment of the country as an industrial power. I smiled at the adorable way she introduced history to my little one. It seemed she had listened to every word I had said.

An hour later, Max and I were walking hand in hand towards the school. My daughter smiled at everything around her, and this new environment was refreshing for her. She counted steps, memorized streets, recalled the names of establishments, and talked about her new friends.

“Will Kate come to our house?”

“No.”

“Why?” she questions again.

“Because she has other things to do, and because I didn't invite her over.”

“But you can talk to her now.”

“I don't think it's appropriate, it's too soon.”

“Can she come tomorrow?”

“No, sweetie, it will be later” she doesn't respond, but I sense her annoyance.

When we arrive at the school, she wants to get away from me, but I hold on to her.

“My kiss before you go.”

“Sorry, Mom”, she says, not entirely convinced.

“You have to understand that we can't always do what you want. Kate is an adult with many responsibilities. I know that when she has time, she will ask to see you.”

“And can she come to the house?”

“Of course she can”, I give her a kiss on the forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mommy”, she throws herself into my arms.

“I'll see you later”, with a smile, I watch her disappear down the hallway to her classroom.

I barely have time to change and make it to school. These weeks will be the toughest as I have to catch up with what they do and how they do it. That, and dealing with people has never been one of my strong suits. I'm aware that not many will be thrilled about having a superior. I don't want trouble, just a fresh start. I'm not asking for much.

My hands are sweating all the way from home, on the way, and even more when I see the imposing building. I search for a couple of tissues in my bag and tell myself a thousand times that everything will be fine. Some people look at me strangely with my boring academic outfit and serious face. It's better this way. Poker face.

Clint is talking to someone in the hallway. The person stops talking when they see me, says something else to Clint, and he turns to look at me. A huge smile appears on his face.

"Natasha, great to see you. It's still quite early," he gives me a small hug.

"I want to be prepared before we start," I smile.

"Let's go to my office, we'll talk," he turns to look at the man he was talking to, "This is Natasha, consultant, and coordinator of academies."

"Nice to meet you, boss," I try to smile, although I'm aware that I just made a weird face.

"The pleasure is mine," I shake hands with him before continuing on my way to the main office. Once there, Clint bursts out laughing.

"Alright, boss. Let's get to work."

For an hour, we go over everything about the academies; we review the points we discussed during our lunch, and he repeats the names of the people responsible for each area. There are no issues with anyone, except for the head of the Arts academy: Walker. A man with talent as big as his ego, he's made some merits due to his influential family, but he's had trouble understanding that he won't always be on top. Or so Clint told me.

I thought I was prepared for everything, or so I believed until I had many pairs of eyes looking at me attentively in the Professor's lounge. Some curious glances, others not so friendly, some warm, and others hostile. I still couldn't understand why the hell I was so nervous.

"She's Natasha Romanoff," I try to read the reactions on each face, "Due to life circumstances, she's back, and fortunately, she'll be with us. She has an impressive resume for her young age. She'll be a consultant and coordinator for the academies. I hope for everyone's cooperation," the silence is deafening.

"Thanks for the introduction. I'm here to help each one of you with whatever you need," my eyes connect with a pair of blue-gray eyes. She smiles.

"I need four different exams done within two days, can you help me, Natasha?" I was interrupted. I don't have a problem with being addressed informally, but most people don't do it on our first encounter.

"I'll try to make a semester plan of academic activities to avoid things piling up," I assume it's the head of the Arts academy. He fits the profile Clint gave me, "But for now, I can help," I smile, "I'll visit each of your offices to talk to you more privately and get firsthand knowledge of the needs of each academy. I don't want to waste your valuable time."

"Thanks to everyone for coming. See you later."

In a bustle, people start leaving. Some mutter a 'welcome,' but not many. I'm about to leave when my arm is pulled.

"Terrified, Doctor?" She looks amused.

"I dodged a few daggers that came in the form of glances."

"That's Walker, a total sweetheart."

"I got the memo, thanks," I smile.

"Welcome to the team. If you need backup, head to the literature area."

"Thanks, Kate."

"I'll see you later, boss," she winks playfully.

I go to each academy manager and talk to them. I remain serious, or at least I believe I do, and they seem to understand. As we become more comfortable, they open up and let me know about their work and the areas where improvements can be made. I save Arts for last; it's going to be interesting.

Before heading to the Arts academy, I stop by the Literature academy. Kate is engrossed in a book and occasionally types something on her computer while an older woman looks at me curiously.

"Doctor Romanoff, nice to see you," she smiles warmly.

"You must be Doctor Carter," I extend my hand as she opens her arms to receive me. I accept it. Kate, who was typing before, now looks at me suppressing her laughter, and I read her lips saying, "she's a sweetheart."

"It's an honor to meet you; I've read your research."

"Now I'm just passing the torch. It's time for me to rest, that's why I'm happy to work with Kat, and now with you," she takes my hands in hers.

"It'll be a pleasure to work with you."

"I feel the same way, Doctor Romanoff."

"You can call me Natasha."

"With time, I will," she pats my shoulder, "My young successor will update you on our needs, but after that, we won't be a problem. You'll need time for your last visit," she looks at me with narrowed eyes, "You were smart enough to save it for last, right?" I nod, "Smart girl."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"Break a leg," Kate says, smiling. I return the smile.

I walk, taking a deep breath. I might be on the defensive already, although the interaction from a few hours ago gives me an idea of what to expect. Clint offered to go with me, but I declined. If this is going to be my position for the next few months, I'll have to do it and earn everyone's respect.

I stand in front of his office and take a deep breath. Before I can knock on the door, it opens.

"You must be Natasha," a brunette scans me from head to toe.

"The one and only. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Gretchen, also from the Arts department," the head of the area watches our interaction intently from his comfortable chair, "Come in, please," here come the piranhas.

"I came to introduce myself..."

"I'm sure you're sleeping with Barton because there's no way you could have taken that position overnight. As impressive as your resume may be," Gretchen stands beside Walker. I can almost hear myself breathing.

"We all handle things differently. Some of us are truly capable of doing extraordinary things without getting our knees dirty."

"I heard you're a widow," my body tenses, "I'm so sorry. Your life must be very lonely."

"I'd choose your words very carefully. I remind you that from now on, I'm a step ahead of you."

"Not by much."

"Challenge accepted, Mr. Walker."

"I have a Master degree" he corrects.

"Anyone can have a master's degree. Besides, you haven't even received the diploma yet, and you know that paper speaks for itself." His brow furrows slightly, "I'll need your exams by tomorrow morning for review before they can be applied. New policy from today," I still haven't moved a muscle on my face, "Have a nice day. Excuse me."

My blood is boiling, and part of my vision is red. I'm hating that arrogant guy with more hair gel than he should be using. I can tell he has an accomplice and maybe a few more. The next few weeks will definitely be interesting.

I walk to the nearest restroom and try to breathe deeply, seeking to calm down the anger. I never thought he would bring up my marital status, and I thank the heavens he didn't mention Max because otherwise, he'd be dead.

"Are you okay?" I quickly turn to see Kate blocking the door. "You look a bit upset."

"Everything's fine," I turned around so she couldn't see me.

"I know the kind of person he is, and I know he plays dirty. His uncle is well-positioned at Harvard, and that's why he got the position. He's close to home and feels invincible," I sigh.

"He mentioned I'm a widow."

"If he mentioned Max, I'll go and kill him," Kate's expression turns stern. I smile.

"That's what I was thinking before you came in," I see her expression doesn't change, "No, he didn't mention her," I clarify. Her expression relaxes.

"Thank goodness," she says, "But you need to be prepared because I'm sure one day he will," she warns me, "Barton has tried to get him out through various means, and so far, he hasn't succeeded. You can change that," I burst into laughter.

"I came back to my alma mater to get rid of a spoiled child and his puppet."

"You met Gretchen," I nod.

"Nice pair," I turn to look at her again. She looks very formal in her gray suit and white blouse, "Have they bothered you?"

"They've tried unsuccessfully. I know who I am, and those two are just looking for someone to entertain them."

"It seems that in the end, I will need reinforcements from the Literature department."

"Peggy can be ruthless, don't let her old facade deceive you. Walker wouldn't dare to mess with her."

I catch up with all the administrative matters of the academies. Not having a fixed assistant makes everything a complete mess.

Clint assigned me to America Chavez, a student who was doing her internships. Our office is quite spacious for our desks, and we both have laptops to work with.

"Doctor, all the academies are organized in folders now. I've shared them on the university's cloud and sent them to your personal email."

"Thank you, America, you're incredibly efficient. How about we go for lunch?"

"Well, actually, my shift just ended. It's past two."

"What?! Oh no.” I've forgotten about my daughter. I grab my bag and hurriedly leave the office. “You can go, I'll see you tomorrow," I say quickly before rushing through the hallways to find a taxi. It's terrible not having a car.

"Are you in a hurry?" Dr. Carter looks at me curiously. "I can give you a ride," she offers, even though it's not the right moment. But I don't think she'll be able to drive fast enough.

"Go home, I'll take her," Kate says, smiling as she approaches us. "Max?" I nod.

We get going swiftly. Kate is a good driver and seems to know all the shortcuts. We ride in silence while I mentally prepare myself for the scolding my daughter will give me. I know she won't miss the opportunity. As soon as we stop, I unbuckle my seatbelt.

"Thank you."

"Mind if I come down? I'd like to say hi to her," Kate surprises me, but I nod in response.

We get out of the car, and Max is on one of the swings with another little friend. Her teacher says something to Max, who quickly looks at me with a frown. The frown disappears when she spots my companion.

"You're a card in my favor," I tell Kate, who smiles back at me.

Max grabs her adorable backpack and runs to me.

"You took forever," I lifted her into my arms.

"I'm sorry, muffin. It was a long day at work," I kissed her on the head. "It won't happen again." She nod.

"Hi, Kate," Max says timidly.

"Hi, sweetie. How was your day at school?"

"Very good. I painted and tried to remember the things you told me."

"We'll paint together soon."

"Can it be today?" she asks, testing the waters.

"Another time. Your mummy is tired, and I have things to do, but I promise there will be plenty of opportunities for it to happen."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise," Kate uses her thumb and index finger to gently hold Max's chin. "In the meantime, I can take you both home."

"It's not necessary," I reply.

"Do you feel like walking after today?" She's right.

"Thanks again," I smile gratefully.

"A pleasure, again," she smiles back.

There's some small talk on the way home. With Max in my arms, I feel all the exhaustion catching up with me, and all I want is to go home and collapse on my bed for a good few hours. I'm used to administrative work, but starting from scratch is a lot of learning and pushing people to get on track.

The rest of the afternoon is spent working on Max's school tasks and my university matters. I reviewed América's profile, and I'm grateful to have her. Arts, Literature, and Letters; the girl is impressive.

I take a short break to have dinner and put my precious girl to bed after working on the continuation of Kate's story.

It's past eleven when I receive a message from Pietro asking if he can call me. The late hour feels strange, so I decide to call him instead.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

"Is Max with you?"

"She 's asleep. What's going on?"

"I hope you're sitting down," he pauses. "They're reopening Wanda's case," I freeze. I had already experienced enough emotions for the day. I remain silent for several seconds. "Are you okay?"

"Why?"

"There are new leads connecting a man to what happened that day. A new detective has come, wanting to reopen the case and review everything again. He reached out to my parents; they wanted to inform you, but you no longer have the same phone number. They just left my house."

"I don't want them to talk to me. Let me know if you hear anything, please."

"Eventually, they'll come looking for you and make you talk. Mm, you don't have to—"

"I won't go through that ordeal again. Endless questions and reopening old wounds. I can't."

"Okay. I just wanted to warn you."

"I'm sorry for all of this." I sigh heavily before speaking again. "Send my regards to your wife and the kids."

"I will. Send my love to my little one."

"We'll arrange a video call during the week, okay? I need to lie down."

"Take it easy, please."

I wait a few seconds before hanging up.

Tears immediately start flowing down my cheeks. Why is it that just when I decide to change, this happens?

Countless times I was at the police station giving statements, talking about my marriage, and trying to convince the detective that I didn't hire someone to kill my wife. One of the most traumatic parts of the process was when they threw in my face the amount of money I would gain from Wanda's death; a significant sum that raised suspicions. I was a professor at a prestigious university, just like she was.

When it became clear that money wasn't the motive, they questioned my activities and the people I associated with. They asked about lovers or friends with benefits. I wasn't going through that shit again. Period.

I drank more glasses of wine than I should have and went to bed many hours later than I would have liked. It was almost four in the morning when I held on to my daughter tightly and let myself go. Her comforting scent didn't work as it used to this time.

The alarm sounds faster than I wish. I had barely closed my eyes. Max is still sleeping, and I know I have limited time to avoid being late.

Before taking a cold shower, I wake up Max so she can change while I try not to look like a zombie. When I come out, my little one is already dressed and waiting.

"Do you mind serving yourself some cereal while I finish getting ready?" She doesn't say anything, just walks out of the room.

When I come out fully dressed and with makeup on, she's eating. Her eyes scrutinize me. I start preparing her lunch; at some point, I walk past her and leave a kiss on her loose hair. I go back to the room to get the necessary items to comb her hair. As I do it, she hums.

"I turned on the coffee maker."

"Thank you."

"Are you okay?"

"I had a rough night with work and boring adult stuff."

"I could have helped you."

"I'll keep that in mind for next time."

As it's becoming customary, we walk hand in hand as she repeats the names of the establishments we pass to get to school. I'm lost in thought and surprised when we arrive intact. Once there, Max hugs me tightly.

"I don't want to stay. I want to go with you."

"It's okay, it'll only be a few hours."

"You look sad, and I don't want you to go." I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Right now, I'm in heaven." I hug her even tighter. "I love you. We can go have something fun to eat later, okay?" She nods energetically.

"I love you, mummy. Don't be sad."

"Right now, you've made me very happy. See you later, muffin." I kiss her forehead before letting her go.

I barely arrive and finish reviewing the Arts program and what Walker is supposed to evaluate. I make my own exams because I know he won't do what I asked. I'm not starting on the right foot with him, he just happened to be the first one to be evaluated. Eventually, I'll do the same with all the heads of the departments. It's easy with a staff of almost forty professors and almost five months to do this.

America arrives at ten in the morning, looking fresh and with a contagious smile. She sees me, and her expression changes again. I can't imagine what I must look like right now.

"Good morning, Doctor."

"Hi, América. You can call me Natasha."

"I couldn't, I admire you too much," she looks at me and smiles nervously. "I read the research you did at Yale. I wrote an essay about your work on poetry in the Middle Ages. I loved it."

"Thank you. I really appreciate that."

"Do you need help with anything?"

"Can you check these exams for me? It's about contemporary art. I know you won't have any problems, I read your file," a huge smile appears on her face.

"Thank you, Doctor Romanoff. I'll start right away," she smiles back.

"I'll be right back."

I see the professors coming back from lunch, quite animated, some more than others, but it seems like they get along.

Unconsciously, I look for those grayish blue eyes, but there's no sign of them.

Clint is talking to two men who don't fit the profile of academics; it's the police. Clint says something to them, and they leave. I immediately sent a text to Yelena asking her to pick me up before two so we can get Max and go for lunch. I need to let it all out. I look down one of the halls and find the personification of two second-rate villains waiting for me.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Doctor, but I couldn't finish my exams on time," he sounds so terribly condescending.

"Don't worry, Mr. Walker. There's no need to hurry, your exams are already done. I'll be the one administering them, and since your eight hours tomorrow are solely for evaluation, there's no need for you to come to class. Don't worry, you'll be paid for the day." Gretchen stood in front of me when I tried to walk away.

"Feel all the power you want while you still can."

"Have a nice day, Team Rocket," I push the girl away to distance myself from them as much as possible.

"So you've fallen for Bishop's charms already?" I frown, who the hell is Bishop? I don't pay any attention and return to my office after having a couple of cups of coffee.

"I hope you like coffee," I leave a cup on America's desk.

"Honestly, I prefer tea."

"Chai?" she smiles.

"It's not the only tea in the world, Doctor, but it's fine."

"I'll keep that in mind."

I immediately go to my laptop and search for the last name 'Bishop' in the university's personnel databases. I'm surprised to find 'Bishop, Katherine Elizabeth. November twenty-third, nineteen ninety-six. Department of Literature.' First: she's eight years younger, and her birthday is just around the corner. Second: I didn't remember that was her last name, although I think Clint mentioned it. Third: falling for her charms? I don't like the implications of that statement.

"I finished reviewing the exams," America startled me. I've been lost in thought for a couple of hours.

"Do you want to spend eight hours with me tomorrow and take Friday off? I'll need help administering the exams."

"I'd love to," I smile. My phone rings, and I know it's time to leave.

"I'll see you at eight tomorrow, okay? I have to go."

I rush through the halls, looking to meet someone in particular, but it doesn't happen. I say goodbye to Clint with a handshake and walk confidently to the parking lot. A familiar retro van is waiting for me. I approach it, and my sister-best friend is on the phone, looking very serious. I get worried. I get into the van while she's still talking.

"Yeah, it's okay. I'll let her know," she hangs up and looks at me. "It was mom, the police are looking for you."

"Why didn't she call me?"

"It's about Wanda and the case being reopened. She's trying to protect you," I sigh.

"Pietro told me yesterday," I looked out the window. "I don't want to go through this again, Lena. That's why I asked you to have lunch with me."

"I won't leave you alone."

"I hope you're in the mood for milkshakes and waffles," she smiles and starts the car. I think I need to appreciate the support of the people around me more.