Soul

"Did you tell them 'Team Rocket'?” A loud laugh escapes Lena's mouth. “I love you, sestra”.

"They are so bad it's embarrassing," I take a sip of my coffee thinking about what they said last. "What do you know about Kate?"

From the corner of my eye, I see my daughter playing on a small trampoline filled with balls. I notice a bit of sweat on her forehead and a huge smile.

"Who's Kate?" My sister asks, I rolled my eyes.

"Arrow girl."

"Ah, the weird one. Same as you."

"Relationships? Married? Widowed?"

"Not everyone has your luck," Yelena was the only one who could make jokes about my marital status. "Not that I know of, back to your old ways?" I almost spit out my coffee, but that doesn't stop me from starting to cough.

"Shut up. That's buried."

"As buried as the fingers of your conquests in your cave," she raises her eyebrows playfully.

"It was only the last two years of high school and about a year in college. I was experimenting with my 'fuckgirl' phase," my face burns with embarrassment.

"The almighty Yale doctor with a double life as a fuckgirl. You're quite the character," she laughs.

"I should have never told you."

"Why did you ask about it?" She raises her hands. "I'm serious now."

"They asked if I had fallen for her tricks."

"Maybe they know something or are just testing the waters. In any case, tell them to go to hell."

"Yelena's advice number one," she shows her proud smile.

"I saw her near her mother's house a few days ago," my sister says. "She's beautiful," she adds after a few seconds.

"That's not up for discussion, but I don't see her that way."

"Don't close yourself off, and I don't mean it in a double sense. You deserve to be happy, and you're going to need reinforcements with this Wanda situation. Don't shut us out again, please," my eyes moisten.

"I won't, sestra. I promise," I take her hand over the table.

"That's my girl," she squeezes my hand, conveying all the support I need.

We left the place an hour later when Max got tired of playing and sweat was soaking through her school uniform.

Lena dropped us off at our apartment with the promise to come over during the week to watch movies with us. Girls' night. A night that will end with my sister scolded a million times because I know she won't be able to contain her curse words.

I spent a wonderful afternoon with my daughter; we read, played, and watched Matilda for the umpteenth time. She's fascinated with that movie, secretly so am I.

After finishing our dinner and the nighttime routine, Max snuggles up to me and hugs me.

"I like it when you smile."

"Don't I do it often?" She shakes her head.

"You have two smiles. One you show to Auntie Lena and me, and another one you show to everyone else."

I'm surprised by how observant she is.

"Which one is your favorite?"

"Duh," I burst into laughter. Highly stupid question.

"I love you more than all..."

"The stars in the entire universe."

"Exactly," I kissed her forehead. "Sleep, malen’kiya."

She's apparently enjoying her new school, so she's not as grumpy when she wakes up.

On the way to school, she walks and tries to say the names of the establishments. She says them completely wrong, but at least she's trying. She spells and makes a huge effort to read. I love how wonderful she is. I know, parents say that all the time. I didn't understand it until I had her.

When I arrive at the university, America is already there patiently waiting, and she smiles when she sees me and hands me a cup of coffee. I see the label on her cup says 'Vanilla'. I assume it's tea and store that information in my memory. Today, my clothes are not as boring, at least my blazer is light blue and not gray. Quite a change.

I enter the first classroom just five minutes before the class begins and it's empty. They were supposed to have an exam. I turn to see my assistant who has a paper in her hand and a furrowed brow.

"I think no one will come."

"Classes until Friday," I read out loud. I take the paper, crumple it up, and throw it in the trash. "Newbie mistake."

"I had a couple of classes with him. He's... interesting."

"Explain."

"I wanted to avoid saying jerk, but I guess that makes it clearer," I closed my eyes trying not to lose my patience.

"I'm sorry I made you come early. If you have something else to do, feel free to do it."

"I'm starting to work on my thesis. Would it bother you if you read what I have so far?" My face relaxes.

"It would be an honor. Send it to my email and I'll read it later," I see a familiar figure in my field of vision. She sees me too and smiles.

"Hi," Kate greets, with those cute eyes that have an unusual sparkle.

"See you on Monday, Doctor," I give her a pat on the back as a farewell. America gives Kate a flirtatious look. "See you later, Kate," she barely responds, still looking at me.

"Hi," I finally greet.

"Did your students get lost?"

"They got stolen from me," understanding crosses her face.

"I'm sorry."

"Not me, it'll be fun working with him."

"And by fun, do you mean exactly what?"

"I hope not to end up strangling him," we burst into laughter.

God, Lena is right. I already knew, however, at this moment I am more aware when I see her; she's pretty. It's definitely hard to ignore those striking eyes framed by long eyelashes, or her cute nose, well-groomed eyebrows, or her pretty lips. Wow. Damn Yelena. If she were in front of me, she'd be laughing until she was exhausted.

"Natasha?" she waves a hand in front of me.

"Sorry, lots on my mind."

"I can see that. You can come to the office. We'll have breakfast around eleven, Peggy always brings things to share. She loves baking and she's damn good at it," I'm amused by the face she makes.

"I'll be there," I say with a smile.

I still have things to do and many more. I headed to my email to look for America's work. I take my time reading and making some notes of things that could be changed or clarified. The girl is quite good and this comes naturally to her. I look up and notice that my watch reads a quarter to eleven. This took me longer than I thought. Time to go for breakfast.

The hallways are deserted, I only cross paths with a few students who look at me closely. I'm the new one and I'll be the novelty for a week at most, then they lose interest. It's always like that.

I hear laughter coming from Doctor Carter's office; I almost feel bad for interrupting. I enter and see Clint laughing at something the Doctor said, he looks at me and his laughter grows louder.

"I would pay to see your face when you didn't find anyone," Clint tells me. I roll my eyes.

"I would pay to see you doing something to that spoiled man-child," I said. Doctor Carter covers her mouth in a failed attempt to contain her laughter.

"It’s getting pretty violent around here, I think I should go and get to work," I smile. "You should try the muffins, they're heavenly," he says as he passes by me, squeezing my shoulder.

"Come in, darling. That big mouth only comes when his wife doesn't make him breakfast."

"Which is about three times a week," Kate adds. "Coffee?"

"Please," I smile, and she smiles back at me.

"Doctor Romanoff, can you tell me why you let them know you were doing the exams?" Doctor Carter asks.

"Because I'm an idiot. I wanted to draw my line from the beginning and I made a terrible mistake. It won't happen again."

"It would be very bad if it happened again," she approaches me and lowers her voice. "He's untouchable, but you can show him some values. He needs it."

"I didn't come here to reform people."

"Darling, you're a Professor and a leader, you do more things than you can imagine. Even if you don't realize it," she smiles warmly. "But now enjoy some muffins and a delicious coffee made by Katie. I'm glad you came," I smile in gratitude.

Peggy is a true charmer. The world should have many like her. Every word that comes out of her mouth is filled with infinite wisdom and human warmth. She is very perceptive and likes to analyze a lot. I realized that talking to her for half an hour is equivalent to reading many books. I laughed like I hadn't allowed myself to in a long time. I don't know if she saw something in me, but a version of herself made me feel comfortable laughing out loud. The breakfast invitation is now officially extended for every day.

I walk away from her office with a huge smile on my face. I see Clint coming back, but now his face is very serious. I don't remember ever seeing him like this. He looks around to make sure we are alone, when he confirms it, he comes close to me.

"The police are looking for you. Last time I told them you were in an important exam, now I can't. What's going on?" I sigh almost defeated.

"They never caught Wanda's killer. There's a new lead and they want to reopen the case."

"That's good, isn't it?"

"I went through hell with..." I shake my head.

"I'll be there if you let me. I won't leave you alone."

The large office is eerily quiet when we both arrive. A man with little hair and a young blonde woman are waiting for me. I think I can even hear the fish swimming in the fish tank in the background. Clint is sticking close to me. The man approached me with a warm smile.

"Mrs. Romanoff, I'm Detective Coulson," he introduces himself, "and she is Detective Hale," he points to his companion.

I shake his hand a little reluctantly.

"Pleased to meet you," the woman also extends her hand.

"I'm sorry for your wife's death."

"It was a long time ago. Thank you, though."

"You’re a hard woman to find."

"Here I am," I put him in his place immediately. "What can I do for you?"

"We're reopening your wife's case. We have new leads."

"I said everything I knew the first time. I'm sure the trauma I went through may have erased some things."

"I read the file, ma'am. I'm very sorry, but these are almost routine questions when a person with a good fortune dies," the woman adds sympathetically.

"I won't do that again."

"We won't do that again, I can promise you," says Mr. Coulson with a serious tone. "We just want to keep you informed. The person is not in prison, but we have reasons to believe he did it. I suggest you take good care of yourself and your daughter."

"Are you saying we're in danger?" Clint hugs me protectively.

"It's part of the protocol..."

"Unless you come with solid evidence that something may happen to them, I suggest you don't come to disturb them," Clint sticks closer to me. "If that's all, I appreciate you coming."

"I'll leave you my card, just in case," Detective Coulson said. My head spins. Am I in danger? I feel like I'm being dragged into one of the comfortable chairs.

"He's an idiot for coming and telling you something so lightly."

"What if it's true?" I ask with a trembling voice.

"It 's not. I promise. You're far away from where that happened," it seemed like the ghosts follow me everywhere.

I spend more time than necessary in Clint's office, I can't find the energy to get back into my body and the detective's last words echo in my head. This is so unreal.

Clint left a few moments ago. I don't even flinch when someone opens the door again. I breathe in the smell of coffee and the muffin that I assume was obtained from Peggy's office. My gaze is anchored to the fish tank in the back.

"Natasha?" I startle at the sound of Kate's voice. I don't respond. "I don't know what happened. I saw Barton a bit upset, he said "you were here and I came."

"Thank you," I barely said.

"Can I do something?" She approaches and places the food near me. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

"I don't know... I don't think..." She takes my hand carefully.

"You're not alone." My eyes well up.

"I don't know what to do." She lovingly wipes away my tears.

"I'll take you home. Let's go."

In a few minutes, she gathers my things, takes my purse, and leads me quickly to her car. We pass by her office, she tells Clint and Dr. Carter something, but I can't understand what she says. I'm still in shock. She puts my things in the backseat, opens the passenger door for me, and once inside, she fastened my seatbelt. Her scent surrounds me as I sit alone for a few moments while she goes to her side.

"Thank you," I say again.

"I would really appreciate it if you stop thanking me for everything," she smiles at me. "Thank you for allowing me to take you home."

We arrive in absolute silence. I try to take my things, but she won't let me. She looks for the keys in my purse and guides me to my apartment. She leaves me on the couch, goes to the kitchen, and comes back with a glass of water.

"You don't have to do this, Kate."

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone right now," her eyes look so kind, so warm. I remember when she said she would never see pity in them.

"You're a sweet girl."

"I know," she smiles. "Do you want to talk?"

"They never caught the person who killed Wanda. I was a suspect."

"And they were assholes to you, weren't they?" I nod, feeling the tears return.

"They reopened the case. The police came to see me, they asked me to take care of myself and Max because that person is still out there," she stands up, and I see her anger.

"They're idiots. If they come to tell you that crap, they should come with something to protect you if you're in danger. You're too far from where it happened."

"That's what I keep telling myself."

"If you need company to go to the station or someone to stay with Max, tell me, please."

"Thank you," I don't hold back the tears this time.

"Come here," she carefully draws me into her embrace and hugs me tightly. And for the second time in days, I find myself crying in her arms.

I feel sorry for the immense amount of pain I still carry inside me. I can't believe I'm still carrying so much suffering after all this time. I don't recognize this Natasha. This is me on the inside; this is the woman without the mask. I am a complete wreck. I don't deserve to be a mother, I don't deserve my friendships, or the woman holding me, I don't deserve anything. I fervently deny these thoughts as they consume every part of me.

"Hey, no negative thoughts in your head," it's like she's hearing what I'm thinking. "It may not seem like it, but there are good things. There always are," I wipe my face and release myself from her grip.

"I think I can handle it from here. Thanks for bringing me," her eyes search for answers all over my face. For several seconds, she says nothing.

"That's bullshit, Natasha. I'm not leaving," I furrow my brow.

"It's my damn home, I decide who stays and who the hell needs to leave."

"For the right reasons, stubborn. You're protecting yourself. Do you think I'll go to the university and tell everyone I saw you crying? Or that I'll pity you? I...," she closes her eyes, stopping her words. "I'm not leaving. I refuse to leave you alone," I bring my hands to my face.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," her hand lovingly rubs my back.

"It's completely understandable, although it would be good for you to know that it's not easy to get rid of me."

"Will you come with me to get my muffin?" I turn to look at her and immediately, a huge smile lights up her face.

"I'd love to."

We decided that a walk would be nice. I change clothes, wash my face, and put on a pair of sunglasses. Although it'll be hard to hide the redness on my face. Kate tells me about her paintings and the things she's done, she's such a sweetheart; I know she's trying to distract my mind from everything around me.

We're a couple of blocks away from the school when she gently takes my hand.

"What will you tell Max?"

"I don't know. That something upset me or... she's still asking about her mom, and she doesn't know what really happened... it's not time yet."

"Maybe today we can have one of our first painting and archery classes, so you can rest. Do you want to talk to someone else?"

"I'll send a text to Yelena to come."

"Your sister?"

"That goat," I see her smile. "You don't have to stay."

"I want to, if you don't mind."

"I do, Max is going to kill me if I do something to make you not stay."

"We connect," she shrugs. "I won't get tired of saying that she's a very sweet kid," I smile in response.

The school dismissal time has arrived, and I see many children running to their parents. It takes a few seconds before I see my little girl. She smiles, but her face quickly turns serious when she sees me. She's so surprised that she doesn't even notice my companion.

"What's wrong, mummy?"

"I got really upset today, muffin. Now I'm better, and I brought you a present," I turn to see Kate by my side, but before I can turn, Max takes my face in her little hands and kisses my cheek.

"I love you," tears appear again.

"And I love you, malen’kiya." She nods.

"Hi, Kate," she smiles brilliantly.

"Hi, cutie. How are you doing?"

"Good. Are you staying with us?" she says so quickly that I can barely understand.

"Yes. Your mummy gave me permission to have our first painting and archery class today."

"Can mummy have her first class with us too?"

"Of course," Kate assures her with a smile.

Nobody was in the mood for anything, so there were no protests when I ordered pizza for lunch. Kate apparently travels with her creative supplies and bow with arrows since she had everything she needed for the classes with my daughter in the back of her car. They settled in the living room as I watched them from the couch; they were starting with the painting class first.

I jump when the doorbell rings, and I open it. Lena enters gracefully with a pizza box and a bag of sodas.

"Where's my little bug?"

"Auntie Lena!" My little one leaves everything to run into my sister's arms. "I'm painting with Kate, come." We approach the creative area.

"Kate, Yelena. Yelena, Kate; in case you don't remember," I introduce once they're closer.

"Call me Lena, please," my sister says. "You've grown up well," I roll my eyes.

"I like to think so," the young woman responds playfully. "Being a business woman suits you well."

"You have no idea, dear," Lena answers.

We eat amid laughter, jokes, and the occasional not-so-subtle glances from Lena. She seemed to be playing a tennis match between Kate and me. The woman in question either was very clueless or was simply ignoring my sister.

Max was the first one to finish, so she ran to her workspace to continue with her trees and butterflies.

"Are you okay, Nat?" I hear my sister's gentle voice.

"I've been better, definitely. This is shit."

"I'll go paint with Max," Kate excuses herself.

"For the umpteenth time, you don't have to stay."

"For the umpteenth time, I'm doing it for her. Besides, you two need to talk calmly," she gives my shoulder a squeeze before leaving with my daughter.

”Are you already feeling palpitations down there?" Yelena asks stupidly once Kate is out of earshot.

"Seriously, Yelena?"

"Sorry for what I said. Beautiful is an understatement, she's gorgeous."

"She's almost ten years younger than me."

"You can go for the sugar mommy approach," I burst out laughing.

"You're a lost cause."

"And it seems like you are too. You're drooling."

"I'm not," I defend myself.

"For your luck or your misfortune, I'm used to your false denials and your gray aura. I see beyond what you show."

"Seriously, drop it. There's nothing between us and there won't be."

"She cares about you."

"It's because of Max," I bring my hands to my head in total exasperation.

"You're monumentally idiotic. It's an excuse, it's about you."

"You're not here for that."

"Yes, sad. Your wife has been dead for five years, and God knows how much I want them to catch the son of a bitch who did it. But your life can't revolve around justice anymore. We'll all breathe a sigh of relief if they catch him, and I just hope this is what you need to change your life. You can't keep living like this."

"You can't keep talking to me like this," I sigh.

"Do you want the pitty card? Fine," she settles in her seat. "Oh, sestra. I'm so sorry for your grief and your bitter and sad life," she says in a ridiculously exaggerated tone. "Surely you must carry all the pain everywhere you go, leaving traces like a damn paint bucket with a hole in it." I shouldn't, but I burst out laughing. "See? It's not my role."

"I love you, Lena."

"I know. I love you too, and it's my duty as your sister to be close and give you a good ear pulling. You'll get through this, like you always have. And once your shit is fixed, you'll have a beautiful woman by your side as a reward." We turn to see the girls painting. I take a deep breath.

"I don't think she's interested, and I'm too old for her."

"Before the self-sabotage, I'll just tell you to let her decide on certain things. If she likes older women, just let yourself be loved."

After talking at length with Lena about strategies in case they needed me at the police station again, we decided to join the girls. We had a great time, and I can say that the three of us were captivated watching Max shoot arrows at the target Kate had set up on the rooftop patio. I love seeing my daughter so focused and enthusiastic.

"I should get going," I jump at the sound of Kate's voice. "I forgot about a commitment, and I think I can still make it."

"I'm sorry for keeping you," I apologize.

"Keeping me would be by force, and I stayed because I wanted to," she smiles warmly.

"I'll walk you to the door," she nods.

"It was nice to see you again, Lena," her smile doesn't fade.

"Likewise, I hope to see you more often," I shake my head. My sister is impossible.

"I'll see you soon, sweetie," she kneels to Max's height.

"Thank you for teaching me to paint and shoot arrows," she gives her a hug.

"A pleasure," Kate leaves a kiss on Max's head and joins me at the door.

"I know we have a kind of deal, but I have to thank you for today," I'm barely starting to think it's a bad idea when I throw myself into her arms. It's almost inevitable.

"You're welcome," she softly replies, hugging me back. "If you need anything, I'm just a message away," I feel her smile.

"I'll keep that in mind," I see her smile so wide it hurts. "I would like to know why you did all of this?" I say without letting her go.

"Just felt like helping someone I met a long time ago," we both laugh.

"That simple, huh?" we laugh.

"I think it's not yet time for the elaborate explanation," she releases me and I'm caught in her deep gaze.

"Is there one?" she nods and places a hand on my cheek.

"Of course there is," she smiles, "Goodnight, Nat," I want to take her hand and hold it tight where it is.

"Goodnight, Kate," I smile so wide it hurts.

"Please, call if you need me. Anytime," I see a struggle in her eyes. She leans in and leaves a soft kiss on the cheek that her hand isn't holding.

Feeling her everywhere overwhelms me. She doesn't say more, and I watch her walk away when I'm able to open my eyes. Lena is right; there are butterflies down there, but not where she thinks. If I'm not mistaken, after all these years, I'm remembering what butterflies in the stomach feel like. Butterflies that are writing disaster and fear on each wing.