Soul

The weekend passed by particularly faster than I would have liked. Especially the Friday afternoon after we met with Kate. Max and her clicked right away. They looked comfortable playing, joking, and even chatting about school stuff. I felt like the odd one out between the two of them. My daughter smiled the whole time, just like Kate.

I decided that for that day, I would forget all my baggage and enjoy the present. And I did. I enjoyed the moment, the day, the people around me, what we ate, the drinks, the weather, the pleasant conversation with Kate; I enjoyed it all. After so many years, I felt like Natasha, just Natasha. Not the widow, not the grieving one, not the one with a broken heart. After a long time, I felt normal.

But that feeling came with consequences: an enormous wave of guilt. I had enjoyed myself, and felt happy without Wanda. Yes, this was the main purpose of leaving New Heaven, but I never thought I would feel this bad about it.

As soon as Yelena and her girlfriend left the apartment on Saturday, I waited for Max to fall asleep to cry until I ran out of strength. I reproached myself for being anchored, and for the first time, I wondered what my life would be like without carrying the coffin on my back.

Sleep came sparingly, as always, but fortunately, Sunday was absorbed by my desire to clean the house as thoroughly as possible. I took care of every little detail, anything necessary to distract my mind and heart from the feeling of guilt.

I was finishing preparing Max's lunch; she looked so adorable in her new school uniform. I took a picture of her as she held her milk glass. She was small, but at the same time, I felt like she was growing up too fast, and some things were slipping away from me.

"Ready?" I asked, and she nodded eagerly.

"We didn't buy a backpack."

Damn! I had completely forgotten about it.

"We'll get one in the afternoon when I pick you up, okay?" She nodded again and took her little lunchbox. "Remember to eat everything and..."

"...drink lots of water. Yes, Mummy, don't worry," she smiled.

We walked out of the house hand in hand, going over the things she had learned throughout the year, hoping there wouldn't be any problems with her classmates. I was confident in her abilities, but my mom's super sense was worrying too much. My heart broke as we arrived at the school. I knew she loved her friends at home, and this decision had not been taken into consideration with what she wanted. However, I couldn't stay. I prayed to the heavens that she would make friends quickly and wouldn't have any trouble relating to others.

"I'll see you later," I hugged her as tightly as I could, and she did the same. "Behave yourself, and remember that I love you."

"Mrs Romanoff," I turned to see a woman walking towards me. "This was requested to be given to you" she said, handing me a Wonder Woman backpack with a small bow on it.

"I'm sorry, but there must be a mistake," I said, puzzled, as she handed me a note.

"For Max Romanoff."

"Yes!" My daughter eagerly took the backpack. "It's just like the one I told Kate I wanted," my mind wandered to those gray-blue eyes.

"Thank you," I said to the woman, who promptly disappeared.

"Now go to class, muffin," I said, and her smile brightened her way as she looked at her new backpack.

I returned home, thinking about how Kate had known exactly where to send the backpack. I scolded myself for not saving her number in my phone so I could thank her right away. She had gone through so much trouble, and it had made my daughter smile so brightly. I almost ran to the refrigerator to check the digits and call Kate.

I waited a couple of rings before getting an answer.

"Hi?"

"It's Natasha, hi."

"Hey, is everything okay?"

"Thank you for the backpack; you made her so happy. You didn't have to do it," I blurted out so quickly that I doubted she understood.

"That's precisely why I did it. She looked so thrilled talking about it, so after seeing you both, I went to get it for her."

"Thank you."

"It's not necessary," we fell silent for a moment.

"Maybe we could thank you in person. Would you like to have dinner with us? Nothing fancy..."

"I'd love to."

"Is 6 pm okay? Max goes to bed early."

"I'll be there."

"See you later," I said goodbye.

I hung up the phone and burst out laughing. I realized I wasn't subtle at all when ending conversations.

I have a few hours before meeting Clint. I tidy up the room, take a shower, and pick out my work clothes—dark colors, the strict standards of my old university became my way of life. That's why Max often seems more like a little adult than a child.

I save Kate's number and do the same with Clint's. A few seconds later, I call him to talk about our breakfast.

"Clint Barton."

"Hi, it's Natasha."

"Nat, great to hear from you."

"We didn't agree on where to meet."

"My bad," he stays silent for a moment. "Remember the little French café near downtown?"

"Of course, we practically lived there," I chuckle.

"It would be nice to revisit old habits," he smiles. "At eleven, as I mentioned."

"Perfect. See you in a bit."

"See you later," he hangs up the call.

I walk to the designated meeting place. It's not too far from home, but far enough to burn some calories.

I arrive early and look for the table we used to sit at. Memories flood my mind, too numerous to count. This place holds some of the most wonderful times of my life, especially because it's where I met Wanda. I shake my head, trying to push her out of my thoughts, at least for a moment. Instead, I focus on the smile of my little girl and, by extension, the gaze of Kate. It feels good to have someone care about me and Max, but it's been so long since it's been just us. I don't know how to let people in, not just her, but also Yelena, my mom, Wanda's family, and everyone else who wanted to do something for us. I wouldn't let them.

My musings are interrupted when I see Clint enter. He looks radiant, smiling, with a different aura. I suppose that's how people look when they've managed to leave their baggage behind, or at least try to.

"Sorry for the delay," he gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze as he sits down.

"I arrived too early, don't worry."

"Did you order anything yet?" I shake my head. "Do you mind if I try to guess?" he smiles.

"This should be interesting."

He guessed right, very accurately.

"I can't believe you did that," He shook his head.

"I told the doctor I wasn't interested in being his lover."

"I thought everything was proper and clean there."

"There's always something rotten everywhere. There's no shortage of it."

"Did you say anything?"

"No, but I had enough support to act legally. Fortunately, he understood I had no interest."

"At least here, you'll be courted by a woman," I almost spit out my juice. Clint laughs. "Most of the staff in the departments under your charge are female. At least you'll have a change."

"What a change."

"I know you'll be comfortable. I have very capable people, some of them are hermits, but a few will help lighten the load."

"A few will be a great help. Although I don't think it'll be as difficult as dealing with doctors who think they know everything and can't be corrected."

"Not at all. I think you'll get along very well with everyone, especially with Kate Bishop. She's new and the youngest in the team. She's in the Literature department. She's a good asset."

"She seems like a good person."

"Do you know her?"

"We met years ago and just reconnected recently."

"Wonderful. I know she can learn a lot from you."

"It will be very interesting to work with young people," he chuckles.

"You talk as if you're fifty years old," I feel the color rise in my face. "It will be very interesting for everyone to have someone with the experience you have."

"Thank you."

"Welcome to the team, Nat."

The breakfast extended for almost an hour more, and we caught up on everything in our lives. I told Clint about Max and how she revolutionized my world, I spoke about Wanda and how she died. I was so used to wearing a mask that I could talk about it without flinching, but deep down, it still tore me apart like it was the first day.

Like everyone else, Clint offered his help and made himself available to me and my daughter.

I arrived home just in time to change and make myself look like a normal person to pick up my roommate from school. I could hardly believe how quickly things were falling into place for us. At times, I feel like I'll wake up from a bad dream and Wanda will be by my side. I sighed for the umpteenth time that day and set off for school.

As soon as I arrive, I'm greeted by my daughter's beautiful smile, waiting hand in hand with her teacher a few meters from the entrance. When she sees me, she runs towards me as fast as she can and throws herself into my arms.

"Mummy!"

"Muffin," I hugged her tightly. "I missed you so much."

"I like being in this new school."

"Mrs Romanoff, can I talk to you for a moment?" A young woman approaches me. "I'm Anne Wick, in charge of your daughter's group."

"Max, go play at the games for a while, I'll join you shortly, okay?" She nods energetically and disappears in seconds. "Nice to meet you, what can I do for you?"

"Your daughter was asking me about places where you can find another mom for her." I'm taken by surprise and cough uncontrollably. "Are you okay?" I nod as my face turns red.

"I'm so sorry," I manage to say with a smile.

"I suppose there's a sad story or an irresponsible woman."

"My wife died when Max was just two months old. A few days ago, she started asking me about her and now she has the idea that we can find another mom here."

"Let me know if you find something and give me the address." I burst into laughter, and she does too. She has very good distraction tactics. "Although I think I'm looking for the opposite of what you're looking for," she jokes, and I laugh again.

"I appreciate you letting me know what my daughter said," I say after a few seconds.

"If you need help for Max or for yourself, let me know."

"Thank you. See you later," I say goodbye to Miss Wick before walking towards the games. "Ready?" I ask Max. She nods and grabs her backpack before walking to where I am. "How was your day?"

"Miss Wick is very funny, and my friends are very nice."

"That's very good, muffin" we start walking home together.

She tells me about her day, all the activities she did, and how her friends praised her new backpack. She mentions that she introduced herself, talking about where we came from and that she lived with her "mummy, who is the best Professor in the country." I smile at her innocence.

"You asked Miss Wick about where to find another mom, right?"

"Don't be upset, I just want to help you."

"Letting someone into our lives is not something easy or that happens overnight. I have to be very sure about the kind of person she is before introducing you to her."

"Was mamma pretty?" she asks, and I smile.

"Extremely attractive. Sometimes I wondered what she saw in me."

"You are very pretty. You should be a model instead of a Professor" I burst into laughter.

"Thank you, maybe I'll consider it sometime," she seems satisfied with my response.

"Did mamma make you happy?" My throat tightens.

"Very happy. I thought I didn't need anything more until I met you and realized that I didn't know the depths of my heart."

"I don't understand," she smiles.

"It means I love you very much, and you make me very happy."

"I'm very happy with you too," she squeezes my little hand in hers.

"Kate is coming to have dinner with us," I announce.

"Really?" her eyes widened in surprise. "Can she stay to play with me?"

"Maybe."

The rest of the day goes by with me constantly checking the time, as my daughter is extremely excited about Kate's arrival. We stopped at the supermarket because I'm not sure what to cook for dinner. I want it to be not too formal but also not to seem like I didn't make an effort. I decided to make pasta with Bolognese sauce and vegetables al dente. I buy wine for us and apple juice for Max.

Max takes a shower before I even ask her to. I catch her coming out of the bathroom with a big smile. She takes my hand and leads me to her room. Clothes are scattered everywhere, some good outfit choices, and others not so much. I smile at her effort, and I can see the impact Kate has made on her. I place my index finger on a red and white outfit in particular.

"I like this one."

"Do you think she'll like red?"

"I think she'll love anything you wear."

"Really?"

"I'm sure she really likes you."

"I like her too," I laugh.

"I can tell."

Max has the table set since 5:30 pm, a very timely move since our guest decided to arrive earlier than expected. Before I can even say 'Hi' at the doorstep, Max throws herself into Kate's arms with such enthusiasm that it melts my heart.

"Kateeee!"

"Hi, little one," just before they land on the floor, Max hands me the bottle of wine.

"Don't worry about me, I enjoy these displays of affection," Kate assures me with a smile. I help them up to their feet. "Hi, Natasha."

"Hi," I smile. "How are you?"

"Great," she glances at Max, who is now attached to her leg.

"Is there anything you want to say to Kate, muffin?"

"Thank you for the backpack. I loved it."

"

My pleasure," she replies with a big smile.

"My new friends really liked it."

"It must be great to have the coolest backpack in school," Kate nods.

"Come in, please," I say, almost regretting having to interrupt their interaction.

"I hope you like the wine," Kate says.

"You've already done so much."

"That was the little one's gift, this is for you," she hands it to me. "Welcome back to New York."

"Thank you," I whisper. "She put effort into setting the table and dressing up properly."

"Really?"

"You did something right with her."

"She's quite adorable," her gaze lands on my daughter, who returns to our field of vision now with her backpack on her back. "Wow, you look even prettier with the backpack."

"Thank you for your gift."

"Anything for that smile," her sincere words fill me with tenderness.

"Would you like a glass of wine while we serve the food?" I offer.

"That sounds great, thanks. Do you need any help?"

"No, go to the sofa, I'll join you in a moment," she smiles before heading to the couch.

When I return, she's engaged in an animated conversation with my roomie, making her laugh. I hand her the glass of wine before sitting across from her.

"Thanks," she smiles, and I return the smile. "So, will I see you at NYU soon?"

"Yes, it seems that way."

"I assume you'll be in the Humanities department."

"Actually, I'll be in charge of the academies in general, checking the functioning and all that."

"So, you'll be my boss."

"Consultant. I'm just helping out and returning to teach some classes."

"Call it what you want, you'll be in charge of everyone. That's called being a boss," I laugh.

"Just don't address me as 'ma'am,'" she denies.

"You're too young for such formalities."

"Isn't it true that mummy could be a model?" Max adds. Kate nods, amused, making me blush even more.

Max stands up at lightning speed when I announce that I'll serve dinner. Immediately, Kate stops her, guides her to the table, and helps her into a chair.

"Since you took the trouble to set the table, I'll help your mom bring the dishes," Kate says.

"I forgot my red cup in the kitchen, can you get it for me?" Max asks.

"Of course," I hear their interaction from the kitchen. Seconds later, Kate comes in with me.

"You have a wonderful daughter."

"I know, thank you," I smile, and she smiles back at me.

Kate walks closer to the food.

"It smells delicious, I'm starving."

"You should have told me when you arrived."

"The wait will be worth it."

"Don't jump to conclusions," I tease, and her face turns serious, making me chuckle.

She takes the bowl of vegetables. Before reaching the dining table, I hand her the red cup.

"Damn it, I forgot it."

"God save you if my daughter hears you cursing, the lecture would be monumental," her face looks frightened, and I laugh softly.

"Thanks for the warning."

Dinner was incredibly relaxed; we talked as if time hadn't passed between us or as if we had been close friends forever.

I learned that she had won a scholarship and had been in France before finishing college. Her mother still visited my mom very often, and she occasionally did so as well. That's how she got superficial information about me. Fortunately, my mom didn't bring up the topic of my widowhood with them.

"Could you teach me archery and drawing?" Max asks Kate.

"Of course, we just need to coordinate times to practice."

"Mummy can arrange that, she's really good at making schedules."

"I'm a bit of a control freak, so I can relate," I said and Kate laughed.

"I think it's good for kids to have stable routines. It helps them become responsible."

"And bored, like me," Kate shakes her head.

"It's great to be so disciplined. It has many rewards."

"It may be," I downplay. "Would you like some more?" I offer.

"No, this is satisfying for a couple of days," she confesses with a certain complicity. "It was delicious, thank you very much."

"Do you want to play?" Max interrupts.

"I'd love to," Kate smiles at her.

Max and Kate were busy assembling a 500-piece puzzle of colorful hot air balloons in the sky. They were both so concentrated on the task that they stuck their tongues out, trying to put the pieces together. They had several balloons completed, waiting to be placed in the right spots.

In some way, I felt certain that I could trust leaving Max with Kate. Still, from time to time, I checked on them, and they were always in the same position. I busied myself with putting away the leftover food and washing the dishes we used for our simple dinner. I lost track of time, completely absorbed in drying the dishes when a hand rested on my shoulder. Instinctively, I jumped.

"I'm sorry," I heard her soft voice. "I just put Max to bed."

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "What time is it?"

"Nine o'clock on the dot."

"What?! Did I spend that much time cleaning up?"

"I'm afraid you did," she replied with a shy smile.

"God, I didn't read her a bedtime story..."

"Don't worry, she told me the whole ritual, and we did it together."

"You didn't have to..."

"No, I didn't have to, but I did, and I loved it," she smiled at me.

"Thank you so much, Kate."

"My pleasure," she hesitated before speaking again. "Could we have another glass of wine? Or are you tired?"

"I'm perfectly fine," I smiled back at her.

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a 'Hell, yes'," we both laughed.

This time, it was her turn to pour the wine, and she brought it to the sofa with a radiant smile.

"Thanks," I smiled back shyly.

"You've thanked me many times in just a few hours."

"And I fell short. Thank you for..."

"Here we go again," I laughed.

"I do things on my own... it's strange to have... it's strange."

"Honestly, I didn't want to wash the dishes. That's partly why I offered to play with Max," I almost spit out the wine at her confession. "Yes, it's funny, but it's true."

"Noted, no dishwashing for you," a pleasant silence surrounded us.

"How are you coping with everything?" she asked after a moment of silence.

"Things are falling into place for us, thankfully."

"Is it how you expected it to be?" I shake my head. I am surprised by my own response. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"It 's complicated."

"Is it about your wife?" she carefully probed.

"Yes."

"Have you talked to someone about this?" I shook my head again.

"I doubt anyone would understand."

"How could they if they don't know what happened? One of the principles of empathy is to know what's going on with the other person."

"I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I'm used to those looks of pity and compassion when I tell them what happened. I don't want that anymore. I have enough of my own dark cloud to deal with, I don't want to handle other people's clouds too."

"How do you know that everyone will feel sorry for you? I don't."

"You're just saying that."

She denied.

"I'm saying it because I'm genuinely willing to help."

"You're very kind, but..."

"I wouldn't understand?" she smiled ironically. "Is it because I'm not married? Because I'm young? Or because I don't have a daughter?" My face turned red for the third time that day.

"I didn't mean any of that. I'm sorry if my tone suggested it."

"When did it happen?"

"Almost five years ago, Max was only two months old."

"You've been carrying so much for too long."

"I never..." Should I tell her? Why was I suddenly pouring out all of this to practically a stranger? "... I never talked openly about this with anyone, not even with her family."

"Damn," she exclaimed, visibly surprised.

"Yeah…"

She remains thoughtful for a moment. Her gaze changes and returns to me.

"Whatever it is, I promise you'll never find pity in my voice, in my eyes, or in my actions. You're my new best friend's mom, and I would never do that to either of you," for some reason, tears welled up in my eyes. Without hesitation, she pulled me into a tight hug.

"Don't overthink it, just let it flow," she whispered in my ear, and it was the perfect encouragement for me to break down in tears.

The last time I cried in someone's arms was with my wife's twin brother. After her death, I avoided him as much as I could because his resemblance killed me. And sometimes, many times, I thought that maybe they had killed him instead of my best friend and the other mother of my daughter. After that, I didn't allow myself to break down until now.

Her delicate hands traced random patterns all over my back. She didn't say anything at any moment, but her grip didn't loosen for an instant. And I understood perfectly when she told me that there was no pity in her actions. With her embrace, I believed her. When I looked up, I saw a few tears in her face.

"I made you sad, sorry," I said, trying to apologize for my emotional outpour.

She shook her head negatively. "So much food has made me sad," she smiled at me.

"I regret this breakdown," I hurried to wipe my tears, but she stopped me by taking my hands.

"No, don't feel bad for showing what you feel," she slowly lowered my hands. "It pains me to see someone carry so much pain."

"Isn't that considered pity?" I asked, and she shook her head.

"As an average human being, it distresses me to see someone suffer and not be able to do anything. That's all," she stayed silent for a moment. "Who told you that you had to endure everything alone?"

"I couldn't afford to break down in front of Max. I couldn't, I can't."

"It's not fair to you."

"Many things haven't been," I sighed.

"I repeat once more, if I can do anything for you or Max, just say it, and we'll find a way, okay?" I nodded. "From what I see, many people love you here and want to help you. I think it would be really good if you let us."

"It sounds easier said than done," without thinking, I returned to her embrace.

"You will be fine, you both will be," I closed my eyes, and for the first time in five years, I believed those words: I will be fine.