Soul

Natasha's POV

"Do you still have it on?" My sister's sweet eyes look at me with reproach and sympathy.

"I couldn't take it off," I whisper.

"Max is almost five years old, it's time to let her go."

"If only it were that easy." Her hand searches for mine on the old wooden table of the cafeteria we have been frequenting since we were children.

"You're not betraying her or anything like that, you're just following the course of life."

"We were married for five years, this year would have been our tenth..."

"And she passed away, Nat."

"Do we have to talk about this?"

"You came back to your hometown after many years to start over, taking off the ring comes with that change."

"Of course not. I want a life away from everything that reminds me of her, and I want my daughter to be with a livelier version of me. That's why I came here, not looking for someone else. The ring will keep people away."

"You're so young, maybe love will find you again someday, even if you close the door." I sigh at Yelena's words.

I see my little one sleeping in her stroller. She doesn't remember Wanda; she was only two months old when she was taken from my arms.

Tears well up in my eyes at the memory of my late wife.

"We dreamed for so long of having a family, of being mothers, and the thought of someone else replacing her kills me."

"When Max is old enough, you can explain everything that needs to be explained. Right now, she just understands that Mommy sometimes it's sad."

"Don't play dirty," I warn.

"I'm not, but you shouldn't overlook the fact that she feels it," she says. "Sestra, grief can't cover your entire life. The universe did this for some damn reason, but it's not the end. I promise you that."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Lena. Thank you."

"I owe you for covering for me so many times with Mom."

"And I still do," she laughs.

"Mom keeps believing that Maria, being a government agent who moves around constantly, will one day convince me to go with her far away from here."

"Is it possible?" She laughs again.

"Not at all. I have my own clothing company and a wonderful house. I wouldn't leave what has cost me tears, sweat, and blood for an adventure with a sexy agent. What I am is here."

"What I am is here," I point to my daughter.

"Correction, a part of what you are is there. Being a woman is not exclusively reduced to being a mother. There are so many facets of you that one cannot define you."

"I always told you that you should study psychology."

"My clients pay the high price of my garments because therapy is included," we laugh.

"I needed this," I say sincerely.

"Do you know what you'll do?"

"I need to enroll Max in preschool and start looking for a job."

"Many would kill to have a Professor with two master's degrees, one and half doctorates."

"As long as the second doctorate isn't finished, it doesn't count," I say. "And I doubt I'll finish it soon; I need to settle down first."

"Again, you can stay at my place. The old apartment that Mom gave you must be more dusty than your vagina," I spit out the coffee, and she bursts into laughter.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using adjectives for my vagina," I say amidst laughter. "And again, thanks for the offer, but I need to distract myself. Maybe organizing the apartment is just what I need."

"If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away."

"I know. Thank you."

We left the cafeteria many minutes after closing some conversations and leaving many others pending.

Having my sister-best friend with me now was of great help. Maybe she's right, and taking off the ring is the best thing I can do, but after almost five years since Wanda’s passing, I could barely bring myself to stop breathing the same air my wife once breathed.

Despite having Max with me, I eventually came to understand suicidal people, those who live in darkness. I felt that black hole in my heart that sucked away all the light when the police arrived at home with my wife's wallet and their condolences. That moment was nothing compared to seeing her lying on the cold morgue table. A robbery attempt that turned into a murder, a murder that never had a culprit. Despite all the technological advancements, justice never came for my family and my wife.

I managed to stay there in our home, feeling her body lying next to mine every night in these past years. I felt her warm breath on my neck in the mornings while preparing breakfast. I saw her in the car next to me when dropping our daughter off at daycare. I found her at her parents' table during family dinners, until she wasn't there anymore. Until her absence began to weigh on me and suffocate me. I lived four years in a catatonic state until a few months ago when I resigned from Yale University's council. They offered me a better position, an academic directorship, even more money, but nothing would make me stay in that city of ghosts.

I remember calling Lena in the middle of the night to let her know how I felt. I cried so much that I thought I would faint, and she stayed on the line for over an hour until I calmed down. My surprise was great when she appeared at my door the next day with boxes and tape to help me pack and come back to my hometown. Far from everything, far from what I built with Wanda.

I open the door to my apartment very carefully, avoiding making noise so Max doesn't wake up. However, the door creaks, indicating it hasn't been oiled in a long time.

I sigh when I see boxes scattered all over the living room, the sofas still wrapped in plastic, and cleaning supplies in a corner. It's been a week since we arrived, and I haven't made much progress.

Max has been crying a lot and feeling restless. So have I on the inside.

I approach the new table in the dining room and see my phone. Typical of me to leave it behind. I notice the voicemail symbol, and I return to the couch to listen to it.

"Hi, Nat. I hope NY is treating you well. We miss you both a lot here, but without the intention of offending, I miss my Max much more. I would really like to talk to you both, Nat," I hear a strange sound, and Pietro's voice breaks. Tears of guilt threaten to escape from my eyes. "Take care of my niece and take care of yourself."

I smile sadly as I listen to Pietro's voice, as if life weren't already unjust enough, he's there looking out for me; he, my late wife's twin brother. Both he and his wife were essential in keeping me from sinking completely, but it was so damn difficult to see the same face of Wanda, but in a male version and with a different personality. It was a cruel joke on my grieving heart.

"Mummy," I jumped at the sound of my daughter's voice. "Are you sad?"

"A little," I took her out of the stroller and placed her on my lap. "Uncle Pietro called us, and I couldn't answer, do you want to talk to him?"

"Yes!" Her enthusiasm excites me. I had recently cut off contact with Wanda's family. I didn't want them to convince me to stay.

I dial my brother-in-law's number and wait a moment.

"Nat? Is everything okay?"

"Uncle Pietro!"

"Maxie…" his voice breaks, and I struggle to hold back tears. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, helping mummy decorate our new home."

"Are you behaving well?" She nods energetically, even though Pietro can't see her.

"She's saying yes with her head," I interject, making my brother-in-law laugh. "Sorry for taking so long."

"Don't worry. We understand your reasons. We all do," he sighs. "Are you both okay?"

"Not completely," I see my little one struggling to keep her eyes open. "I'll try to talk more often. Next time, maybe we can video call, I know it will make her very happy. And me too," I confess with some sadness.

"It would also do me a lot of good to see you both, and see you well," I sigh again.

"Max fell asleep, I'll put her to bed. Say hi to Crystal for me."

"I will, thank you."

There's no protocol for goodbye; I just hang up. I close my eyes and lean back on the couch. This won't be easy.

I leave Max in the bedroom and take the baby monitor with me. I close the door to avoid too much dust getting into our resting place and start working with the boxes. The living room things are almost ready. I brought only the most important books for me and will have the rest sent to complement my personal library. With a smile, I found the box with the photos, which I arranged on the fireplace. A picture of my mother, one of Max and Silver (Pietro's dog), a photo of Wanda and me in the delivery room. I kiss her forehead as she looks at the small bundle in her arms with tears in her eyes. I also found a photograph that makes my heart stop: our wedding day.

I remember giving everyone who helped me that day goosebumps with my nervousness and my heightened quirks. The makeup artist almost left me there. Suddenly, I burst into tears; it was complete chaos. Then, through the window, I saw my fiancée entering in sweatpants and sneakers. My first thought was that she had changed her mind, but her arms quickly comforted me. She wanted to know if she was as nervous as I was and that she needed her best friend to keep her composure. It was the best day of my life, along with the birth of our little Max. I was so lucky to have married my soulmate.

After giving it a final wipe, I leave the picture on the fireplace. A memory. A past. A smile that is no longer seen. Eyes that attempt to sparkle but fail to do so. I look at my ring. I shake my head, avoiding unwanted thoughts from entering my mind. I go back to my work.

Night finds me cleaning the kitchen and putting things in place. Taking safety measures for the little person who is my roommate. When I feel tiredness taking over me, I leave my tasks and head straight to the shower. Minutes later, I am lying in bed next to my daughter, hoping that sleep will remember me this time.

When I wake up, the bundle next to me is still fast asleep. I look at my phone and with horror, I realize it's barely five in the morning. Only a few hours of sleep; not getting enough rest was quite common for me. There was always something preventing me from getting enough hours of sleep. Dark circles were part of my regular style and also a reminder of my past. Naturally, I hated them, but it seemed they weren't going away anytime soon. I close my eyes, and as if by a miracle, I fall asleep again.

The next time I open my eyes, I find my daughter playing with my cell phone next to me. Her beautiful smile adorns her face, something makes her very happy. She looks at me and immediately becomes tense.

"Did I wake you up?"

"No, malen'kiya," I pull her into my arms and shower her with kisses. "Good morning."

"Good morning, mummy," she squeezes my cheeks with her little hands. It's her habit. "You looked tired, so I didn't want to wake you up to make me breakfast."

"Have you been awake for a long?" She nods. I check my cell phone, and it's past nine in the morning. "How about we do our morning routine and then go to a restaurant for breakfast?"

"It's raining," she points to one of the windows, and it's only now that I become aware of the sound of the raindrops falling on the glass.

"It will make the walk more fun."

A few minutes later, we're ready, with rain boots and an umbrella to endure the inclement weather. Max looks unusually cheerful, and so do I. I feel like I've restricted her so much in these years; I've tried to guide her so well that sometimes fun goes off the map.

Hand in hand, we walked down our neighborhood street; I remember seeing a new restaurant a couple of blocks from the apartment. Max plays with some small puddles, and her face lights up when she manages to splash her boots. I suppress the urge to tell her not to dirty her pants.

We arrive at the place, and immediately a helpful young lady approaches us, assigns us a table, and hands us the menu. I spare her the wait.

"Pancakes for both of us, coffee for me, and hot chocolate for the little one, please."

"Right away, ma'am," she smiles kindly and disappears from our view.

"Ma'am."

I'm a thirty-two-year-old woman. A widow and a mother for almost five years. Sometimes, I feel like I don't fit that description. I'm just a lost soul.

"Where's my other mamma?" My gaze fixed on my daughter's blue eyes. This was definitely a premise.

"She 's far away."

"Why isn't she with us?" Confusion shows on her face.

"Mamma is in heaven, watching over us."

"Does that mean she died?" I nod, trying to hold back tears.

"When you were a baby, mamma had an accident, and since then, she watches over us from above."

"Can I have another mommy here on Earth?" She leaves me speechless.

"Perhaps, sweetie, but I don't think that will happen soon," I caress her cheek. "Do you like this new place?"

"It's nice," she says and thinks for a couple of seconds. "Do you think you can find another mommy for me here?" I smile at her insistence.

"Maybe, but right now, the most important thing is to find a school for you and finish decorating the apartment. What do you think?"

"And then we look for a mommy?" I burst into laughter. "Can we ask Auntie Lena for help?"

"God save me from having Yelena as a matchmaker."

"You're beautiful, maybe you'll find two mommies!" My laughter echoes throughout the place.

"Let's start with one, then we'll go for more," my response convinces her, and she drops the subject. For now.

We spent a lovely morning while having breakfast. Max was seeing the world from a different perspective now, and her curiosity was at its peak. She questioned everything and repeated what she heard (even if she didn't know what she was saying).

When Wanda and I had her, I had only just finished half of my second doctorate, and not even the hundreds of books in my mind prepared me for her. Every day is an adventure, and there was no book that could precisely tell me what to do with my firstborn. My only compass is my love for her and the immense desire to protect her from all harm.

Our little home was starting to take shape, and one of the things we needed was food. Our refrigerator and pantry were empty, so I decided to pay a visit to the supermarket.

I grabbed a cart and placed my daughter inside it, then we began moving around the place.

"What do we need?" she asked aloud.

"Cereal, milk, and eggs," I said, feeling so proud of her and how incredibly close we are. Many people don't say it, although not all of them are right. But I can say that my judgment isn't clouded; my little one is incredibly intelligent.

"Anything else?"

"Junk food?" She had a mischievous smile on her face.

"Nice try, but not this time."

We spent many minutes buying the necessary things to survive this week. As I looked at the cart, I realized there were too many things to carry while holding Max's hand. We'd have to take a taxi.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice the person in front of me. She did notice me when I bumped into her with the cart. Grayish-blue eyes turned to me in anger.

"What...?" Her expression changed immediately. "Natasha!" It took my mind a moment to recognize her, but when I did, a smile appeared on my face.

"Hey," I greeted, smiling as well. "It's been a while."

"This is a pleasant surprise," she said. "And I see you have an angel with you."

"Max, this is Kate," I introduced them.

"Hi!" my daughter greeted her cheerfully.

"Nice to meet you, Max," Kate's smile was splendid. She extended her hand, and Max shook it with her little hand.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"Very well. I finished college a year ago and just got a job."

"That's wonderful, I'm happy for you," we exchanged smiles.

"What brings you here? I hadn't heard from you in years," Kate said after a few seconds.

"Things. Apparently, I miss this place," I laughed.

"I hope your wife was prepared for the madness that comes with this place," she joked as she noticed the engagement and wedding rings on my hand. I was about to respond when Max interrupted us.

"My other mommy takes care of us from heaven, so she doesn't have any problems with the place," I saw the raven-haired woman tense up. An awkward silence enveloped us for a few seconds.

"I'm so sorry," she managed to say when she regained control of her body.

"Thank you," I needed to escape before the questions started. "It's good to see you again."

"Likewise," without any farewell formalities, we each resumed our path.

"I'll see you around."

Max and I head to the checkout, and then, with bags filled, we step outside the store to find a taxi to take us home. Max must be getting a bit sleepy as it's her nap time.

"Do you have a car?" I turn to Kate, who's holding a pack of ginger ale.

"No, I'm waiting for a taxi."

"I can give you a ride."

"I don't want to cause you any inconvenience," I reply politely.

"I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for her," she points, smiling at Max, who's hiding behind my leg. I thank her with a smile, and she helps me load the bags into her car. She doesn't have a baby seat, but she makes sure to fasten Max's seatbelt securely.

"Are you at your mom's place?" she asks.

"No, in my apartment."

"The one near the old cinema?" she inquiries.

"Do you remember it?" she shrugs. "Are you still drawing and practicing archery?" I ask once the car is moving.

"Sometimes," she replies nonchalantly. "Now, my life revolves around books and university."

"What did you graduate in?"

"Linguistics and Comparative Literature," she answers.

"Impressive."

"Impressive is having two master's degrees and a doctorate at such a young age," I lower my head, and she smiles. "Your mother told me. Literature, right?"

"Yes," another awkward silence.

"About what..."

"Don't, please. I know you want to be kind, but there's no need," I hesitated.

"If you need anything, I'm here."

"I appreciate it a lot," I smiled at her once more.

We arrived at my apartment in silence. Max is fast asleep in the back seat.

Kate's good intentions were blocked by my shield, the one that tells the world everything is fine.

Kate and I were never very close, mainly because of the eight-year age difference between us. Our activities weren't very compatible, and I would see her when her mother came to my house and brought her along. She loved drawing for me. She was a mischievous child who occasionally got Yelena and me into some trouble, but nothing serious. The last time I saw her, she must have been around sixteen.

"Let me help you with the bags," she offers.

"No..."

"Your daughter is asleep, and you bought a lot of things," she raises an eyebrow, "the world won't end if I carry a few bags up with you." I decided not to argue and let her help. Once in the lobby, we head to the elevator.

"I feel like I'm taking up your time."

"A little," she looks at me and stifles a laugh, "going home to binge-watch the series. Yes, you've seriously disrupted my routine." I lead her to my apartment once we reach my floor.

"We've only been here for a week, there's still a lot of mess," she walks in and places the bags on the dining table.

"You should see my place when I have to do the laundry," she jokes, and we both laugh.

"I'll go lay her down," she nods.

I leave her alone for a moment to put the little one to bed in her room. I take the baby monitor with me, and when I return, she's putting the milk in the fridge.

"That wasn't part of the deal."

"It might spoil," she replies with a smile.

"Do you want something to drink?" She shakes her head.

"Maybe another time, when this place is more presentable," we both laugh.

"Sounds fair," I reply as we walk towards the exit.

Once we're at the door, Kate stands in front of me.

"What I said still stands," she puts a hand on my shoulder, "don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything," she smiles.

"Thank you, Kate," she smiles back at me.

"My pleasure. Take care," I watch her until she disappears into the elevator. Her sweet scent lingers with me for a few seconds.

I returned to the kitchen to finish what she was doing. With a smile, I noticed that she left her phone number written on the small whiteboard on the fridge, accompanied by a "Anytime". She's still a very sweet girl.

Having worked at one of the best universities in the country proved useful when it came to finding a place for my daughter in preschool, even though more than half of the school year had already passed. It was a private school, and the director herself got in touch with me to inform me that Max would start the following Monday and that all the materials were ready for her, to be included in the first monthly payment. Sorting out her school was the easy part. Now I just need to find a job for myself.

"Hi" I have Lena on the other end of the phone.

"Hey, old lady, how's your day going?"

"I've got Max enrolled in a school, she'll start in a couple of days," I tell her. "And guess what?"

"What?" she asks curiously, my sister is always eager for gossip.

"I ran into Kate."

"Kate?"

"The girl who used to come to our house with her mother, Mom's friend."

"Ah, arrow girl," she says, recalling who I'm talking about. "Is she still as weird?"

"Weird" might not be the right word.

"She's grown up," I don't elaborate much.

"I think I saw her a few months ago leaving the university. Not sure if she studies or works there."

"We didn't have much time to chat," I replied.

"You should go there; the faculty is old and needs replacements."

"I doubt I'll last long there."

"Nah, you probably won't, but at least you'll be entertained while it lasts."

"Thanks. That's exactly what I need," I murmur, relieved.

"Shall we have dinner tomorrow?"

"Of course, you can bring your secret agent, and you can finally introduce us."

"I love it. See you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Lenn."

I ended the call.

It's still early, so I decide to go to the university with my resume in hand. For some strange reason, I'm nervous. It's ridiculous. I've been under the scrutiny of the best doctors from the most prestigious universities in the country. I've presented projects and given lectures before them. This should be nothing.

Upon arrival, a well-dressed young man greets us, his eyes focusing on the little girl by my side.

"I'm not looking for a spot for her," I smile.

"How may I assist you?"

"I would like to speak with the dean or someone in charge. I'm looking for work."

"Please come this way," he guides us inside the massive faculty. Leading us to an elevator, we reach the third floor. "I'll call her in a moment," he disappears through a large door.

"Are you nervous?" my daughter looks at me with a hint of amusement.

"A little," I admit. "What should I do?"

"You should show them all the books you have at home," I chuckle discreetly. "Would a kiss help?"

"Definitely," I lean down so her tiny hands can hold on tight. Seconds later, a loud kiss lands on my cheek. "Much better."

"I love you, Mummy."

"I love you too, malen’kiya."

"Ma'am, you can come in now," I nod and take my daughter's hand as we enter.

As soon as I step inside, I'm taken aback.

"Clint," I almost ran to hug him.

"Natasha, dear. It's been so long," he hugs me tightly. Clint was my classmate during my second master's degree. Though he's older than me, we hit it off immediately. "Who's this beautiful young lady?" he kneels to my daughter's height.

"Max, this is Clint, an old friend," she timidly extends her hand to shake Clint's.

"Pleased to meet you, Max," he smiles, standing up again. "Please, have a seat."

"Mom, can I see the fish tank?" She points to the back of the office. I'm tempted to go too; it looks so beautiful with hundreds of fish swimming inside.

"Sure, just don't touch anything," I nod, and she walks to the spot.

"What brings you here?" Clint asks once were seated.

"I'm looking for work."

"The last I heard, you were at Yale. What happened?"

"I resigned. My wife passed away. I needed fresh air."

"I'm so sorry," his expression softens, I'm used to that sympathy. I take out my papers from my bag and hand them to him.

"I'm not sure if you have any openings, but it doesn't hurt to try," he flips through the documents.

"Did you work with Doctor Banner?"

"I was doing my second doctorate with him. I haven't finished it yet."

"I see. We don't really have an open position, but I can't let someone with your credentials slip away. I could use some help supervising the academies until the end of the semester. Then I could offer you something more permanent."

"I appreciate it greatly."

"Are you staying with your mother?" I shake my head.

"My old apartment." He takes out a card from one of his drawers and hands it to me.

"It has the university contacts and my personal number. Let me know if you need anything," he smiles at me. I smile back.

"Thank you."

"How about we meet on Monday, have breakfast, and talk about what you're getting into?" he suggests.

"Sounds good."

"I'll call you, and we'll arrange it."

"Until then," I hug him again and reach my daughter, who is still fascinated with the fish. "Time to go, say goodbye."

"Goodbye, Mr Clint," she extends her hand, a smile mirrored on my friend's face.

"Pleasure to meet you, Max."

As we leave the place, I sigh, feeling like things are falling into place for us in this new city. I needed some normalcy in this new chapter for us, and that came with changes. Changes that I was willing to embrace, except for taking off my ring. The day was sunny, so a walk sounded like a good idea—or it did until my daughter yelled.

"Kate!" I turn to my right and see Kate approaching us.

"Max!" she replies cheerfully. "Hey," she addresses me.

"Hi," I greeted her.

"Out for a stroll?"

"No, I came to talk to Clint."

"About work?"

"That 's right."

"Does that mean we'll be seeing each other more often?"

"It's possible," I force a smile. I notice my daughter is completely absorbed in watching Kate, and she smiles back at her.

"Do you want to get ice cream?" Kate asks, looking at me. "Of course, if your mummy has time."

"We can do that," I force another smile.

"My favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry," Max tells her.

"Really? That's delicious!" Kate exclaims.

"I know, what's yours?"

"Mm, I think it's blackberry, but I'm not sure," Max thinks for a moment.

"I've never heard of that flavor," my daughter tells her.

"It's not very common, but it's delicious," Kate explains.

"Can we get that flavor later? Right now, I want strawberry," Kate laughs. I smile, happy to see how well they are getting along.

"Sure," Kate replies, and Max seems satisfied with her answer. "After ice cream, we can go get some coffee," Kate looks at me now. "We could celebrate the fact that you're coming back to your alma mater."

"And that I'm starting school on Monday," Max adds. "That's worth celebrating too."

"Say no more. I know the perfect place," Kate responds with a smile.

She leads us to her car, and as we walk, I try to remember when was the last time I felt so carefree and happy, just like Kate looks now. It seems like these winds have a lot to teach me.