trust
The course of a person's life is not always predetermined. Over the passage of a lifetime's journey, we may not always want the same things we once did. We deviate from our plans, alter them as our expectations and priorities change. Sometimes we make completely arbitrary decisions that transform our lives forever. They say it's never too late to make amends. To start living.
And yet sometimes the outcomes of entire lives are affected by the events of a time in the past so long ago it feels like the memories that linger belong to someone else.
Derek remained standing silently by the window a long time that night. Thoughts, memories, emotions all kept churning inside him until he could almost feel the ground slipping beneath his feet. Running unexpectedly into his two made at Central Park and dancing in the rain, listen expecting to make him feel more drainand. So much had changed in such a short time and he could feel it coming. No, he knew it. An impending sense of doom and dread that he knew did not bear origin from any of his enhanced werewolf senses. Something huge was coming and he knew that if they made it through, their lives would never be the same again. With the Fractured pack in several different directions throughout the country, But were they strong enough to weather the storm?
And yet, despite himself, amidst everything, he could not contain that tiny almost imperceptible jitter within him from manifesting itself on his hardened visage in the shape on an even more imperceptible smile. Yes, a smile, or just the promise of one that played tentatively at the corners of his clenched mouth. The memory of Dancing with his mate in Central Park during in the rain.
No, he muttered under his breath. He knew all too well what this meant. What the outcome would be. And yet, he could not help himself. He let out a steady stream of breathless incoherent curses and looked out the window at the woods that stretched on and on.
He could remember it vividly in his head as the memories played out like an all-too-well-rehearsed play. It had tormented him for years. Even now with its main antagonist forever removed from the picture the memories had a life of their own. And there she continued to haunt and torture him.
Yes, there had indeed been a time once so long ago when he could effortlessly slip into naive Wolf's shoes at age 15. He let out an almost disgusted snicker and for a second turned away from the window before looking out at the dark edge of the woods again. He knew exactly what he was feeling right now. And for this very reason he had tried to dissuade the himself away from Lara, on so many occassions.
Derek remembered almost through a thick haze. Two women. One quite brunette, the other much blonde, but sharing the same emotion-fearless, and brave. and two boys, waking of sorrow. He had watched as they got into a car. Nothing struck him then but somehow the memory had lingered.
Memories that had somehow hidden themselves in some dark recess of his mind bared themselves now. Years ago when he was being blatantly deceived by a certain Argent, some things had been deemed too insignificant to be considered. But they had remained with him despite. How he had betrayed everyone! And then came the final blow when he found that he had call Laura's name to walk away from her, for the fear of Argent etaliation. A strange mixture of rage and despair threatened to simmer up and he forced it back. To wherever it had originated.
Water. And that voice. How he had convinced himself that it would last forever. And she had assured him in his madness. Because she had known exactly what to tell him. And he had lapped it all up only too eagerly.
Kate Argent. She who had used him and completely obliterated his world. This is where he had only too eagerly betrayed everyone he loved. This is where he had fooled himself into thinking in terms of eternity. This is where he had believed once fallen in love.
How so very ironically funny that he should, after all these years, have found himself helpless, paralysed from the neck down, in the very pool where he had once given his heart away to the devil. Helpless again. Except this time he would not be allowed to sink. Drown.
This girl again. Lara, was it?
Who refused to let him go. Who begged her to trust her. Begged him. Trust.
Was he even capable of trust again after all this time?
Lara, you don't know.There was a dull ache in his heart. Maybe in another place, another time, another life. "Cruel world, huh?"
He jumped at the voice. So engrossed had he been in his thoughts that he had completely let down his guard. Which did not go unnoticed. By Alpha Jason.
"Interesting..." Jason observed and booked herself a place next to Derek to enjoy the show outside. "Worried?"
Then he added : "I'd be," in a tone Derek could not quite pinpoint but fell somewhere between genuine idle talk and intentional provocation.
When Derek made no attempt to respond, Jason let out a small exasperated sigh and began: "Derek, you and lower are the only family left. How manyTalk to me. What's on you mind?"
"Oh, let me see!" Derek shot back. "Between that bitch murdering my family, Laura, and my true Mate I don't see why I'm even tolerating Laura presence right now!"
"Let me help. You know you could use outside as perspective in this inner war," said Jason, raising a querying eyebrow, completely ignoring Derek's rant.
Derek knew that Jason was right. This was a war he could never win on his own.
"The ties that bind the pack will be more than tested in the coming days, Derek," said Jason, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall, his gaze sweeping across the interior of the house. "Sometimes the most amazing things happen when you have been completely broken. Sometimes," he walked toward the stairs that led down to the hall, "you need to build your life back up from scratch."
Derek turned toward his host with a slightly puzzled look. Jason gave a nod and motioned Derek to follow him. They walked out to the porch in silence.
"Trust," Jason said simply and turned to look at Derek, earning him a slightly annoyed look.
"Well?"
"The pack, Derek!" Peter exclaimed as though he had just uttered the most obvious thing in the world. "Your pack. We need you and you need them. But you need to let go first."
"Of what?" Derek snapped, his annoyance clearly growing.
"Stop living in the past. As an true alpha you need to understand this more than anyone. You need to move on. It's time to-"
Their eyes met and Derek felt that a lot had been conveyed in that moment though he could not say exactly what.
"Open up your heart," Jason finished after what seemed like an eternity had passed. "You can't continue asking people to trust you when your own heart is consumed by suspicion and doubt. How can you even lead your pack into battle if you can't bring yourself to trust them and yourself?"
Derek dug his hands deep into his jeans pockets and stared into the darkness, his mind in turmoil.
"I know it is difficult," Jason continued, "and I don't expect you to be able to open up to everyone overnight. But..." His voice trailed off as their eyes met again.
"There must be someone?"
Derek felt his heart pick up pace at that. Which did not go unnoticed to his momther friend and his host who immediately perked up suddenly.
"There you go!" Jason exclaimed, clapping Derek on the shoulder. Derek shrugged the hand off. "Alright, so that's a good start. Tell this person everything that is in your heart. Let it out. You need to learn to trust again."
"I don't think I can," said Derek in a whisper, talking more to himself than to Jason.
"I'm not saying it will be easy," said Jason, nodding. "But I know you can. You have to. Or you will live in pain, anger, despair and loneliness all your life."
Derek looked to his host with a pained expression and gave a small nod. They stood out in the open air for a long time before Jason turned to leave.
"Any chance of me knowing who this person might be?" he quipped turning on his heels.
"You made your point. Now can I please be left alone?" Derek retorted, looking crossed and annoyed.
"Fine, just curious," smirked Jason and he was gone.
Lara.
He didn't know whether to be frustrated or annoyed with himself. Jason's words still rang in his head like a clear bell. Determination and fear alternated within him as a war waged inside his head. The painful memory of Kate was still etched on his mind. Everytime he thought about opening up to that one person it was like she came like a ghost to remind him of all the things that could go wrong.
As he sank to the earth trembling, a sharp piercing sound brought him back to his senses. It took a few seconds for his brain to register that he had received a text.
Jason: Let your heart decide. And btw, I have a guess of who that person might be. ;)
Derek smirked and put his phone back in his pocket. And asked himself, for the first time, honestly. The answer was so clear he stood up shocked and elated at the same time. Within seconds he was scrambling into his car and speeding away as jason looked on from an upstairs window and smiled.
Minutes later he was perched precauriously on a tiled roof and inching his way toward a closed window. Lara was still awake but the curtain was drawn so he couldn't make out much. Slowly he made his way closer and gave a small knock on the windowpane, his werewolf heart hammering so thunderously inside his rip-cage he feared it might burst out. He gave a harder, more prolonged knock when Lara did not open the window. Immediately there was the shuffling of feet and the curtain was drawn open, revealing Lara wearing a white T-shirt and boxers, and looking utterly shocked.
Open, Derek mouthed when Lara stood there staring, speechless. Snapped out of his bewilderment, Lara awkwardly fumbled with the latch before pulling the window open and Derek leapt in noiselessly.
"What the hell are you doing here, Derek?" Lara demanded, arms raised and waving aimlessly in the air. "Do you even know what time it is now?"
"Uh...I think it's a little after 1..."
"So...?" Lara said in a tone that implied that one drawn-out syllable stood for the entire barage of words that would otherwise have been uttered.
"Please," said Derek, taking a step forward and gazing down at his feet. "I need to talk to you."
Derek's eyes were now almost pleading and a strange emotion flickered across them. Lara opened her mouth but no words came out. She had never seen Derek like this before.
"Okay..." she said at last, her voiced tinged with uncertainty. "What did you wanna talk about?"
Lara sat down on the bed and Derek occupied the swivelling chair. Both looked equally nervous, their eyes meeting only momentarily before drifting apart abruptly.
"Uh...would you like something to drink?" Lara offered hesitantly. This felt so weird, considering all their previous encounters had been under either life-threatening situations or a generally one-sided attempt of communication.
"Water," came the curt reply and Lara quickly escaped downstairs to the kitchen.
Both were wallowing in varying degrees of dread and trepidation. As Derek paced around the room trying to collect his thoughts and himself, Lara took her time fetching the water trying to make sense of the whole situation. When she finally reached the door to her room, glass in hand, she took a deep breath and slowly pushed it open. Derek stood there, just inside, looking even more nervous than before. She stepped inside with a sigh but stopped in his tracks.
"Lara?"
She turned to face Derek slowly and breathed: "Yes?"
Lara watched nervously as Derek swallowed.
"Can I trust you?"
Confusion flooded her brain and obviously overflowed into her face judging from the look on Derek's face. Why was Derek asking her this all of a sudden? She struggled to reply and Derek's face crumbled in front of her eyes. All the uncertainty and nervousness vanished only to be replaced by a look of utter defeat. Hopelessness.
"Derek..." Lara whispered, taking a step forward and placing a hand gently on Derek's shoulder. "You can trust me. You can always trust me." laura spoke the truth, the truth was she wasn't so sure if she could trust him with her heart again, not entirely not yet.
Derek's face lit up at that. Lara was surprised to see him smiling. She had missed that smile so much, it's been years since she seen it on that face, showing off his dimples.
"Why are you so happy all of a sudden?" Lara probed, handing Derek his water before slumping down on the bed, eyeing him with suspicion the whole time.
Derek simply shrugged and sat back down on the chair. "Thank you," he said, smiling and placed the empty glass on the table behind him.
"What for?" asked lara incredulously.
Derek only smiled and cleared his throat to begin. Now he was certain he had made the right choice.