Chapter 8
I was making my way through the halls, checking each room for our target. It wasn’t clear if he was even here or if I was just going to have to clear every room in the building, but whatever it was, I would do it. I made my way into a room that looked to be filled with weapons, and even if the target wasn’t in the building, it couldn’t hurt to figure out what kind of weapons they may have. I carefully looked at each of them, assessing the threat level of each of them. Something hard suddenly jammed into my back, and I knew the feeling well; it was a gun. I froze where I was standing, doing my best to make sure there was only one person in the room before I did anything to risk my life in any way. If I got hurt again, Wanda would be upset with me, and regardless of how little damage the last bullet did, I didn’t really want to get shot a second time. With a deep breath, I spun around quickly and knocked the gun to the ground before pulling mine and pressing it to his forehead. His eyes were wide and panicked as the realization of his future began to sink in.
“Beg me to let you live,” I said through my teeth.
“Natty?” A shaky voice said.
It was a voice I knew well. I tried to rapidly blink my eyes and find her. Wanda wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near this mission. Slowly, things started coming together, and I was face to face with Wanda’s terrified expression. It felt like I couldn’t breathe; nothing made sense. I was face to face with a Hydra agent, and then I was looking at Wanda. I dropped the gun to the floor instantly and tried to figure out what was going on. There was a chance that it was all an illusion, but there was no way that they knew what our room looked like at the compound or what Wanda’s favorite pajamas looked like. Something that made it almost worse. It meant that I’d held a very real gun to my very real fiancée’s forehead.
“Wanda, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a Hydra agent. I didn’t know it was you, I swear.” I said in a panic.
“It was just a dream. It’s okay.” She said quickly.
“It’s not okay, Wands. I just had a gun to your head. I am so sorry. I thought… It was so real.” I said, shaking my head.
“I know. It’s okay.” She said gently.
“Please stop telling me that it’s okay that I almost executed you in our bed,” I begged, tears beginning to form in my eyes.
“It’s not… You didn’t know what you were doing, and you stopped when you realized it was me.” She said, working her lower lip between her teeth.
“I promised you that I would never hurt you, and look where we are…” I mumbled.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked softly.
“I was… It was a simple mission. We were to find the Hydra agent and take him captive. I… He was nowhere to be found, and then I felt a gun against my back. I spun and disarmed him and… And it was you.” I said with a gentle frown.
“It was a dream, Nat. A vivid dream, but a dream. It’s okay now.” She said gently.
The things she was saying to me were kind, and in any other case, I would probably believe them to be true, but I couldn’t find it in me to believe her. There was no reason for her to lie to me, but there was even less reason for her to be saying kind things to me when I’d just held a loaded gun to her forehead. Her hands were still trembling as she slowly reached for me, and I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. I didn’t deserve her kindness, nor did I deserve for her to treat me with such gentleness. It just made me feel guilty to even look at her and know that she was seeing me the same way she saw me when she was accepting my proposal. Maybe it wasn’t my fault, but it really didn’t make me feel any better about what happened. I knew that she was only looking at me with love because she did love me, but it made me feel a lot worse. Seeing her gentle eyes ready to accept me for every fucked up and damaged thing I was.
“Wands, you really don’t have to do this,” I mumbled.
“Do what? Love you? I don’t have a choice in that, and I wouldn’t stop loving you because you had a case of PTSD. You were just shot, and it triggered memories and feelings from when you couldn’t feel safe.” She said with a frown.
“Even if that is true, you really don’t have to comfort me. I literally just had a gun to your head. I was so ready to pull the trigger. Wanda, I could have killed you, and if you hadn’t said something, who knows what I would’ve fucking done.” I said, shaking my head.
“So maybe this is the thing that you needed to happen so you don’t keep a gun in or near our bed.” She said, raising an eyebrow at me.
“It’s gone,” I said, not needing to give it a second thought.
“Then that’s all we need to establish. Doing that will prevent this from ever happening again. You can’t control your subconscious reaction to trauma. What happened isn’t okay, but it also isn’t your fault.” She said gently.
Tears began to slide down my face without warning, and it made me want to scream. She was right; what happened wasn’t okay. Whether it was or wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t okay that I held a gun to her forehead. One wrong squeeze and I would have lost the most amazing person in my life. It was something I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive myself for. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her in any way, emotionally or physically. She wiped away my tears gently, and the sweet action only made me cry harder. I didn’t deserve to be the one who was crying right now; if anyone had the right to be in tears, it was the person who just had a gun pressed to their forehead, not me. It wasn’t her fault that everything she was doing was making me feel worse, and feeling bad about her trying to love me made me feel even worse. It was like a constant spiral of negativity in my mind, and I couldn’t control my emotions. She pressed gentle kisses against my cheeks, clearing the tears off of my face as they fell. I shook my head, trying to wipe away my tears before she could even get to them, and she caught my hands gently.
“You’re allowed to need someone to take care of you sometimes.” She whispered gently.
“It’s stupid,” I mumbled.
“It probably does feel like that to you. Your feelings and trauma were never validated, so now that you’re experiencing them outside of that environment, your body doesn’t know how to react. Do you remember what things were like when I directed that blast into the building on accident in Lagos?” She asked with a sigh.
“That wasn’t your fault,” I said firmly.
“And you never let me feel like it was. Not for one second. But I killed a lot of people. It was me who directed that blast at the end of the day. But regardless of how much it was my fault, you refused to let me feel guilt because you loved me and because you knew I was trying to do the right thing, and what happened wasn’t what I intended.” She said with a soft sigh.
“You are so perfect,” I said, shaking my head gently.
“Stop it. You just taught me how to love someone in the most amazing way. I’m thankful for that and for you, and I can’t stand seeing you beat yourself up over something you never meant to do.” She said, tilting her head to the side.
“Can we just… Not leave our room today?” I asked quietly.
“Of course. We can do anything you want or need.” She said, gently kissing my forehead.
We sank back into the bed, and she wrapped herself around me, making my heart soar with comfort and safety. She told F.R.I.D.A.Y. to make sure no one disturbed us today and texted Yelena and my mom to let them know that we were taking a day to ourselves. Letting her take care of me wasn’t something that I was used to, and it still didn’t feel like something that I deserved. As much as I wanted to believe her, there was something gnawing at me, telling me that I didn’t deserve her or anything she was doing for me. She made sure we had food ordered that Vision would deliver to our room and put on the first James Bond movie without me having to ask. It was something that made me melt, knowing that she wanted me to be happy, and she put on what she knew would bring me a sense of comfort. My eyes started to feel heavy, and it felt wrong to fall asleep, but it wasn’t like I could pull a gun on her again. She started to rub my back, and it only pulled me further into sleep. I could feel my body slowly slipping into sleep, and I was powerless to stop it. The next thing I knew, there was a hand on my shoulder, pulling me out of a dreamless sleep. I groaned and blinked my eyes, doing my best to gain my bearings, and I was thankful that my sleep came without dreams. The last thing I needed was for my dream from earlier to continue when I fell asleep again.
“Welcome back.” She whispered.
“How long was I asleep?” I asked with a groan.
“Not long. Just the first movie and half of the second.” She said with a light laugh.
“That’s the best one,” I whined.
“We can start it over if you want to.” She said, pressing a kiss to my head.
“No, that wouldn’t be fair to you. Is our breakfast here? It’s probably cold, isn’t it?” I asked with a sad sigh, knowing that the movies were extremely long.
“It just got here; that’s why I woke you up. It was still early when we ordered food, so it took them a while.” She said with a giggle.
“You’re amazing,” I said with a groan.
“You know, I do my best to give you anything you could want.” She said with a shrug.
“Shut up,” I mumbled, shaking my head.
She rolled out of bed and made her way to the door, pulling it open to collect the food that had been dropped off for us at the door. I heard the sound of a bag rustling, and she made her way back to the bed, sitting down and pulling it open. With a yawn, I sat up to get my food. The next movie began playing on the TV, and she handed me the food that she got me. It still felt wrong to have her take care of me when I was the one to hurt her, but she was right to say that it was something that I needed to allow her to do. When it was her in my position, I wouldn’t allow her to feel the way I felt because I loved her too much to allow her to experience that. I had to think of myself as her, and it made things feel a little less guilt-riddled. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was only eight in the morning, and I felt bad that Wanda had been awake since early in the morning. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if she kept herself awake because she was afraid to fall asleep with me. It was something that would shatter my heart to know. But if it was true, I wouldn’t be able to blame her. It would just make our lives together a lot more complicated, especially since we would be sharing a bed for the rest of our lives. Once our food was done, we settled back into bed, and she got comfortable on my chest while the movies continued to play on the TV. I heard a light snore when the third movie started, and I could feel my worry starting to melt away. This proved that she stayed awake while I slept to make sure that I was okay while I slept and now she felt like she could finally sleep peacefully. I felt incredibly lucky to have her as the one that I called my own, and as I watched her sleep, it wasn’t lost on me that I never thought I would get something like this in my life. I had been taught that love was a weakness, and it had been drilled into my head so far that I wasn’t sure I would ever unlearn it. But loving Wanda never felt like I had to change who I was to do it. She had a way of sneaking into my heart and making me love her effortlessly. Clint had always been sure that the Red Room hadn’t broken me, and if anything proved that, it was the way I loved Wanda. Her hand tightened in my shirt as she slept, and regardless of the fact that she wanted to take care of me today, it felt good to be able to take care of her after I did what I did today. It didn’t matter that I needed to feel taken care of; she also deserved to be comforted after having a gun pointed at her forehead. After a four-hour nap, she slowly pulled herself from her sleep, and I couldn’t help but smile at her groan.
“Hi, sweet girl,” I whispered gently.
“Hi.” She said, her voice cracking slightly.
“How was your nap?” I asked with a smile.
“Comfy.” She said, nuzzling her face into me further.
“You know, I was worried that you might not sleep around me anymore because you’d be too scared,” I admitted.
“Why would you think that?” She asked in confusion.
“You didn’t sleep when I did earlier, and I got worried that maybe you didn’t trust me enough to sleep around me anymore,” I said with a sigh.
“Natty, I stayed awake because I wanted to make sure you were okay and didn’t have any more dreams like you had before.” She said with a frown.
“I figured that out,” I said with a blush.
“What gave it away? Me falling asleep on you?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, that was a dead giveaway,” I said with a laugh.
“Well, I’m glad it was fixed before you could spiral too far.” She said, kissing my chest gently.
“Me too,” I said, shaking my head with a smile.
We switched to watching sitcoms so that she could get something she enjoyed after I had a day of things that I enjoyed. I wanted to make sure she got comfort of her own beyond being able to fall asleep on me, and this was the best way to do it. She quoted every episode of Friends that we watched, and it blew my mind that she remembered that much of a show with over eight seasons, but she knew everything word for word. It was cute to watch her enjoy herself and lose herself in the show. Watching her watch sitcoms was one of the things that made me fall in love with her in the first place. Seeing the joy she felt when she watched them always made my heart burst with love for her. As the day progressed, we made sure to get ourselves dinner and settled in to continue our day alone while we waited. I hadn’t even looked at my phone today, and I knew the second I did, it would pop the bubble that we were currently in. Part of me was curious if Yelena or Melina had texted Wanda back to see why we were taking a day to ourselves, but I had hoped that they would just understand that sometimes shit happens. After a day of feeling pampered and taken care of, somehow, the love I had for Wanda felt like it had grown. It felt like there was no way that my love for her could actually grow bigger, but it did after today. Maybe it was weird to say that me holding a gun to the love of my life’s forehead made me fall further in love with her, but it was true. It showed me how much she really loved and cared for me, and she was determined to make sure that I felt okay after one of the worst moments of my life. Maybe I didn’t deserve it completely, but I was still thankful that I had her in my life and that she still did what she could to take care of me. It wasn’t a shock to me that I wasn’t the easiest person to take care of; plenty of people had made that very clear to me in the past. The only difference was that none of them made me want to change the way I was and to let them take care of me. Regardless of how hard they tried, I didn’t want to show them any vulnerability, and I definitely didn’t want them to think that I needed them. The idea that they may think that only made me feel embarrassed. But with Wanda, I wanted her to be proud of me, and if that meant being vulnerable with her, I would do anything it took. After we ate dinner, we settled into the bed, and she wrapped herself around me once again, and I felt myself melt. She trusted me to take care of her, and it was only right that I returned that trust to her. I wanted her to know just how thankful I was to have her in my life.
“Thank you for today and for taking care of me today when I wasn’t willing to accept that it was what I needed,” I whispered.
“Thank you for letting me take care of you for a change. I’ll always do anything you need. Even if that means we trade roles for a period of time.” She mumbled against the side of my head.