Chapter 4
Gwen didn't remember when it got to the point people started thinking that there was something wrong with her. Maybe it was when her clothes started hanging loose, or when her skin lost its nice golden undertone, or when her hair started looking more and more broken.
But suddenly, everyone's eyes seemed to observe and study her for way longer than she was comfortable with, and sometimes it was harder to ignore it. She would herself back from just screaming: " Stop it! Just stop staring at me like a goddamn hawk!"
It had been around two months ever since that dinner party at Miles' place, and things had started going down in a way nobody had seen it coming, yet nobody could deny it. Gwen's obsession with control was too strong, and she felt stronger and more powerful every day.
Or at least that's how she felt emotionally, because physically, Gwen was getting weaker and weaker, and patrols were certainly a lot harder than they once used to be. Her muscles were getting weaker, and thus crime-fighting was getting harder.
But she pushed through with all her power, because being Spider-Woman? Hell, that was one of the few things left in her life that made her feel good about herself. Being a hero for so many people - and a criminal for many others, but that was besides the point - being someone people could rely on made her feel like she had a purpose left in life (as long as she didn't repeat her disastrous past mistake).
However, there was one issue that didn't leave her alone. It was the whole Spider-Gang being on her toes and looking on edge every time they were around her. And it bothered Gwen because, damn it, she was all right. She was completely fine, Gwen swore.
And now, as they were all on another mission to catch an anomaly Green Goblin in another universe - she completely forgot the dimension they were in - Gwen avoided interacting with them outside of anything having to do with the mission.
Because interacting with them always lead to them giving her pitying stares and overly concerned glances, and frankly it was everything that Gwen could not stand at the moment.
"All right everyone, get into position," Gwen heard Peter whisper.
Gwen's breath halted because she had not picked up on the plan, her mind had wandered off. Again. But fortunately Miles was there to guide her.
"Come on, Gwen. Let's go," Miles whispered to her and grabbed her hand as he made his way.
Gwen's poor lack of concentration was making missions more difficult for her. She missed out on things, her mind always wandered off, and she rarely remembered the plans.
And she guessed that Miles picked up on that, too, because suddenly he was the one always on her side, leading her and repeating everything they had planned. She appreciated it, but at the same time she was ashamed that it had gotten to this point to begin with.
But Gwen had to focus now - as much as she was able to - because they had an anomaly to catch.
*
Battles like these reminded Gwen of why Green Goblin was one of her least favorite villains. He was a stuck-up little bitch, and she wanted nothing more than getting away from him as soon as possible and pretend that this never even happened.
It was a rough battle, but they handled it quite well and managed to catch him without causing too much damage. But the success was thanks to everyone in the group but Gwen. She had lost her balance a couple of times, was not strong enough, and her spider-sense was no longer working like it used to.
Pavitr, Peter and Hobie handled the anomaly and brought him to the HQ. Meanwhile, Gwen was leaning against a wall and trying to catch her breath as she saw dark spots appearing right in front of her eyes.
Her head felt heavy to the point she could barely keep it straight up, and whenever she was patrolling or on a mission, like right now, it was always worse. But she had to admit that at times it helped her falling asleep. Being that emotionally, and even more so physically tired, helped her sleeping like a rock.
However, that didn't mean that she ever woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day, because quite frankly, it was the complete opposite and she always felt like she could sleep for another 12 hours.
Suddenly, Miles appeared right in front of her with a water bottle - 'where the hell did he get a water bottle from?' - and handed it to her as his other hand had a grip on her shoulder holding her up.
"Thank you," Gwen muttered with a raspy voice and started drinking the water after lifting up her mask.
"You're welcome. You can drink it all by the way," Miles said and started caressing her shoulder with his thumb.
He stopped the second he started and tensed up as he felt how bony her shoulder had gotten. Gone were her strong shoulders, and he could see why she had been struggling with her strength as of lately.
But that was not the only thing he had noticed. Her clothes and her Spider-suit were more lose on her body, she no longer had those cute round cheeks as they were now replaced with her cheekbones popping out more, and she looked constantly tired.
Miles had been wanting to approach her on this for quite some time, but could never find the right words. He had his suspicions about what could be going on, but for some reason, he didn't want to accept that Gwen could have developed something so self-destructive that she could be digging her own grave. The idea was painful and he wanted to deny it. But the more he saw her, the less he could deny it.
But now it might be the time to say something. Miles knew that if he didn't say something now, then he would have to do so another time, and he worried that later might eventually be too late...
No! He didn't need to think like that. He seriously didn't want to think about the possible outcome because that image alone made him breathless, and it felt like a worst nightmare coming true.
Miles had already made up several scenarios in his head on how he could bring up this conversation, what he would say to her and how he could perhaps help her. But it didn't matter what his mind made up because 99 percent of the time, his plans always failed. But nonetheless, this was way too important to ignore now.
So once Gwen finished the whole water bottle, Miles swallowed down the tight feeling in his throat and said to himself 'all right, Miles. It's either now or never.'
"U-uhm, G-Gwen?" Miles stuttered.
'Holy shit this is even harder than in my imagination' he thought.
"Yeah?" Gwen said hesitantly.
Before Miles continued, he took off his mask so she could see his expression and not make her any more uncomfortable. He could already sense that she felt weary and uneasy by his serious tone and stuttering.
"Are you... are you okay, Gwen?" Miles asked.
Gwen removed her mask and tried looking laid-back, but at this point he could see through her act. "Well, it's the Green Goblin. That's enough to ruin my day, and it was not easy, but I don't think there are any major injuries. So yeah, I'm good."
Gwen had gotten so good at lying, if it weren't for the fact that every lie and move was calculated and prepared, she could had fooled and believed herself.
For a moment, Miles grinded his teeth and took a deep breath, because this was kind of nerve-wrecking.
"Gwen, no. That's not what I meant. You-" Miles stopped himself, trying to find the right words.
He could see Gwen looking around as if she were thinking of some escape plan.
"Gwen, I am really, really worried about you," Miles' voice cracked, but he sucked it up to keep on talking. Gwen was neither responsive, nor would she look him in the eyes.
"And I really, really care about you and if there is something going on, I am here for you, Gwen," Miles said with a raspy voice and stared at her in distress.
There was a moment of silence, with Miles waiting fervently for her to say something, and with Gwen holding her hands in tight fists, trying to find a way out of this conversation. She felt stuck and cornered, and that made her all fidgety.
"Miles, I have no idea what makes you think there is something wrong with me," Gwen said.
Miles' right eye twitched at that. 'Holy shit, what?'
"But everything's okay. I'm fine, seriously."
No, nothing was fine, and Miles was in disbelieve how she could say that when absolutely everything about her state screamed 'get a doctor, someone get her a doctor!'
"Gwen, I-" Miles was suddenly cut off by Gwen.
"Look, I have to go home now, but I swear I'm fine, Miles," Gwen said a bit too eagerly, opened up the portal that led her to her own dimension and disappeared as quickly as she could before Miles had any chance to stop her.
Once she was gone, Miles kicked the wall in anger causing a hole in the area. He sat down on the ground and held his hands up to his face in frustration.
'Shit, I really should've approached this differently,' he thought. 'I messed up. I messed up big time.'
Miles was scared that this could affect their friendship. She was the last person he wanted to lose, and yet he was sure that he was the one to have broken it apart, unless she still wanted to be friends with him.
And no matter how much he wanted to lie to himself that she would stay and pretend like nothing happened, he knew that that was not going to happen.
*
Gwen couldn't see him anymore. She couldn't see any of them anymore.
Every time they were around, they had a look in their eyes that were filled with a million questions, and it seemed like Miles was the first one who couldn't handle the unknown anymore, although the unknown was most likely still there.
As Gwen was packing her schoolbag for tomorrow - or more so shoving everything inside in anger and frustration - she had been thinking about how she was going to handle the situation with her friends from now on.
Gwen could no longer handle their questioning looks, the questions themselves, and the way they all appeared to be on edge around her like she were somehow going to break if they made a wrong move. She loved those guys so much with all her heart that it hurt, but the fact that she was only hurting them this way hurt her even more.
The distressed look in Miles' eyes haunted her that night in her 'sleep' - or something that felt more like a restless coma - and the fact that she was responsible for that broke her apart.
They deserved better, especially Miles. Gwen's existence was a mere weigh-down on their happiness and joy in life, and especially right now she could see that. Again, she just had to ruin everything. She just had to be a burden and create disaster wherever she went.
Things needed to be done. In this case, it was giving her friends the freedom and peace that they deserved, even if that meant distancing herself from the people that she loved the most.
She could still see them at missions, though. But judging by her worsening performance during fights, maybe they should be relieved from that burden, too.
*
Another morning waking up for school and being dead-tired, even though she had gotten ten hours of sleep last night. It should not be considered sleep when Gwen felt like having experienced a concussion and falling unconscious for a very long time.
And last night, Gwen experienced something that had never happened before. In the middle of her sleep, she woke up to excruciating pain on her side that she had to turn around to her other side. Her bones felt like they were being crushed, like she was thrown at a brick wall during missions. It cut off her breathing for a second and eventually the pain faded away from her side.
Luckily, it only happened once during the night, and Gwen hoped that this was a one time thing. She didn't know what had happened, but it was quite scary to be honest.
When Gwen stood in front of the bathroom mirror to wash her face, she took a look at her hair. The pink ends were suddenly shorter, she noted. At first, Gwen thought that it was most likely because the dye was somehow fading away. But once she paid attention to her hair she realized that her hair was not even growing anymore. It was in fact breaking at the ends.
And not only that, but as she was brushing her hair, there was a clump of hair on the hairbrush, too. Gwen stared in horror as she saw the amount of hair loss.
"Oh my God," Gwen muttered with a shaky voice as she held all the hair in her hand.
Her hair was falling out in a way it had never done before, and out of fear of losing even more hair she put the brush away and decided to just sort her hair with her fingers.
"Just a one time thing, Gwen. It's just a one time thing," Gwen tried reassuring herself, and left her bathroom.
Her dad was working early shift today, meaning he wouldn't make her sit for breakfast. However, he had started getting aware that there was something going on, and with each time she had made an excuse and he saw her thinning frame and sick face, the more he started to realize that there was something clearly wrong.
He also no longer insisted on her to sit down if she refused. But still, he had that saddened look in his eyes every time.
So far he hadn't said anything, and this time, it was Gwen who was constantly on edge, because she really didn't want to talk with him, or anybody for that matter. But she feared that he eventually could no longer hold himself back, just like Miles.
Relieved that she wouldn't have to face him this morning, she left the house and made her way to school.
During the subway ride to school, Gwen was lucky enough to find a seat. She put on her earphones, blocked out the rest of the world, and stared down at her fidgeting hands.
Her phone was playing some song, she was not actually paying attention. The music was just some kind of background noise for her. But her mind shut off, which was something Gwen rarely experienced but surely enjoyed.
But without even realizing it, her head was slowly going down and her eyelids were fluttering close. God, Gwen was so tired, she could barely even keep her head up anymore. And sleeping while using public transportation was probably one of the dumbest things one could do, but it just felt so good right now that Gwen didn't even care.
Until the train came to a sudden halt and she hit her head against the glass, jostling her awake. And when she realized what had happened, she immediately got up and looked to see that the train had halted at her stop.
She immediately left train, while bumping into a bunch of people and saying "sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry." to all of them.
But at least she made it to school and history class on time. In fact, her teacher was not even here yet, so she could at least take a breather.
After she had prepared and put everything on her desk, Gwen took off her cheap earphones.
'Miles, wanted to give me new headphones' Gwen thought out of nowhere when she looked at them, but immediately shook her head, because no! She should not be thinking about him. She should not be thinking about any of them. That made tears appear in her eyes and the pain in her heart only worse.
So she put her phone away, just as Ms. Warren arrived for class.
"Good morning everyone. I hope you're ready because I have the results from your last history test," She said causing the entire class to groan.
But Gwen seriously didn't care. Well, she studied - or studied as much as she could while her mind snoozed - but she didn't do it because she cared but because she wanted to distract herself, which was kind of out off character for her. She was not the smartest girl by far, though she was good at science, but she had always been hard-working and diligent when it came to her school work.
And her growing lack of interest in school classes showed its face, just like right now as Ms. Warren passed around the test scores and Gwen was faced with a 'D-'. But Gwen didn't really feel anything when she saw the grade. She just sighed, put the paper inside her bag and continued listening to Ms. Warren.
And once class was over after Ms. Warren had been teaching them about something, Gwen was packing her things inside her bag, when she suddenly heard her teacher's voice calling out for her.
"Gwen, could we speak for a minute?" Ms. Warren asked.
When Gwen turned her head to face her teacher, she saw her with a light smile on her face, but Gwen knew better. 'Could we speak for a minute's never meant anything good, and Gwen was honestly tired of having to talk to people. This was not the first teacher to approach her either, as it had happened last week with her English teacher, too.
So once all the other students had left the classroom, Gwen sat down on the seat right in front of the teacher's desk and waited for Ms. Warren to start speaking.
" All right, Gwen," She started off. "I know you. I know you are a good student, and I know you can do so much better than that."
Gwen hesitated for a moment until she asked: "Do... do I have the worst grade in class?"
"No, not by far. But those other students were always this bad anyway. But you never were like this before, Gwen."
Apparently this is what happened when you were at least a moderately good student. You were not allowed to be dumb for once.
"I know things have been very difficult for you. But you were never like this before," Ms. Warren said calmly, yet Gwen could see in her eyes that she was beyond worried.
"Ms. Warren, I'm sorry. There's just so much happening right now, that I don't even have the time to study. I'll try doing better next time," Gwen said, the lie coming out easily.
Ms. Warren sighed and said: "Okay, Gwen. but here, at least take this before you leave."
She handed Gwen a piece of paper, and when she looked down she saw that it was a flyer for the school's psychologist.
Gwen gave a tight smile, got up from the chair and simply said: " Thank you, Ms. Warren. I'll check it out."
Once Gwen closed the door to the classroom, she crumbled up the piece of paper, threw it into the closest trashcan around and walked towards her next class.
*
Today was Wednesday, which meant bad practice with the girls. However, when Gwen entered the practice room she saw none of the girls around which was odd. She was almost always the last one to arrive.
"Hello?" Gwen said and looked around if someone was perhaps just hiding somewhere.
But nobody showed up, and just as she was about to leave and text the girls, the door opened revealing Mary Jane.
"MJ, hey."
MJ's eyes widened in surprise as she saw Gwen, but she smiled and said: "Hi Gwen."
"Did I miss something? Where are the other girls?" Gwen asked.
MJ halted for a moment, looked around the room and sighed.
"Look, I just came here to pick something up. But now that you're here we need to talk." MJ said with a strained voice.
Gwen was exhausted from hearing this. She didn't want to talk, for God's sake.
"Gwen, you know how much I love you, right?" MJ asked as she lightly grabbed Gwen by her arms in a caring matter.
"Yeah, I love you, too, MJ. So what's the matter?" Gwen could already hear the entire conversation playing in her head before it started, but at this point she was only playing along. It was all just so predictable at this point.
MJ looked like she was trying to find the right words to say. Gwen thought that the only right thing to do was to not say anything at all and leave it be.
"We're gonna leave the Mary Janes on hold for a while. Or until at least you... get better?" MJ asked, though Gwen was sure that was not how she wanted to word it, especially by the the way MJ flinched at her own words.
Gwen only blankly stared at her, until MJ eyes started wobbling and tears were appearing in the corners of her eyes.
"Gwen please. Why are you doing this to yourself? What happened to you?" MJ asked as she started choking up.
Gwen was shocked to see this reaction from MJ. This was the first time that someone had asked Gwen 'what happened to you?', and she didn't know how to apprehend this question. For a second she felt herself getting emotional, because this felt like something she had been unknowingly wanting to hear.
But at the same time she thought to herself 'I happened. I happen to mess everything up, ruin friendships, hurt people, and cause destruction to everything I come close to.'
Gwen needed a moment to digest the question, but once she recovered from that she said: "I'm fine, MJ. Call me when the band gets back together."
She smiled at MJ, lightly removed the shaky hands from her arms and walked out of the practice room, too ashamed to look behind.
*
Nothing much was going on during patrolling. She stopped a mugger who stole an old lady's purse, rescued a child who nearly got hit by a car and and helped a girl, who she recognized from her math class, finding her dog who suddenly ran off.
Basically, nothing spectacular happened. It had been relatively peaceful for quite some time around New York , at least in her dimension. But she knew it could get bad all of the sudden. So she was enjoying the minor crimes for the time being.
Gwen sat on top of a skyscraper and stared across the city, listening to the trafic, the chirping from the birds flying around her and the blowing wind.
Usually, all of this would have made her feel at peace, especially because the early evening sun was shining so beautifully over the city. But Gwen had this tight feeling in her chest that just wouldn't leave. It made her feel like she could not take a deep breath and relax.
And it was enough to ruin the wonderful atmosphere for her. Since it was getting late anyway and there were no crimes happening around, Gwen decided to just swing back home, get dressed into her pajamas and maybe listen to some music.
Once she had arrived in her room, she got changed into her pajamas, and opened the door to go to the kitchen and drink some water. But the moment she opened her door, she saw her dad sitting on the couch as if he were waiting for her arrival.
'Oh shit,' Gwen thought, because she realized immediately what this meant. It was time for their conversation, and she was honestly neither prepared nor in the mood for it.
"Dad, what are you doing here? I thought you'd still be at work," Gwen said, playing dumb and hoping that her tension was not obvious.
"My shift ended two hours ago. You were gone for a little longer today than usual," he said.
When Gwen looked at the clock that was on the wall right over the TV, she realized that indeed, she had sat on top on that skyscraper for far longer than she had originally thought she did.
"Oh, my bad," Gwen mumbled.
"It's okay. That's not why I want to talk to you anyway," her dad said and got up from the couch.
Just like every time someone approached her like this, she avoided eye contact and instead looked around the room.
Gwen swallowed and said: "Oh really?"
This was by far the most nerve-wrecking conversation of them all.
Because her teachers? Gwen couldn't care less.
MJ? She wished it had never happened, but things couldn't be avoided.
Miles? That one broke her heart.
But her dad? Gwen felt like this one would would break her apart. Unlike all those other people, she lived with him. And how could she avoid him like the others?
he closed his eyes, sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Gwen's heart was beating rapidly and irregularly, feeling agitated and restless the more he was taking his time until he started speaking.
"Gwennie, why?" he simply asked.
Gwen hesitated. Should she continue playing dumb or give up?
"Why what?" Gwen mumbled and played with the hem of her pajama top.
This only made him take a deep breath.
"Gwen, I worry about you."
"There is nothing to worry about, dad. I'm fine, seriously," she said and looked up for a second.
Gwen only hoped that he would eventually give up and leave her alone. But the only thing that her answer managed doing was making him look flabbergasted.
"Fine? Gwen, I have never seen you this sick before," he said bewildered.
Gwen flinched at his words. Ouch, seriously. Maybe he thought those words would somehow shake her awake, but they seriously made her want to continue even more. She wanted to be in control even more now.
"Gwen, please. Talk to me. What's going on?" his voice was weak.
But she didn't want to talk. He wouldn't understand it anyway. But more than that, Gwen was sick of having the same conversation over and over again with so many people. She was sick of everything and she just wanted to go to her room and lay in bed.
All the stress, the cold, the hunger, and the restlessness made her suddenly burst into tears in the middle of the living room right in front of her dad. She kept on rubbing her tears and snot away with her sleeves as she kept on crying and sobbing.
God, Gwen was just so tired. Why didn't anyone just see how tired she was, how much she didn't want to talk, how much she just hated having to face each day to begin with? Why couldn't they just leave her alone?
"Oh Gwen," her dad said and walked up to her to pull her into a hug.
He flinched when he felt how skinny she was, and how her bones were popping out, but held his daughter in his arms anyway as she kept on crying.
"It's okay, Gwen. Just cry it all out," he comforted her as he rubbed her back up and down, trying to ignore the fact the he could feel the bones of her spine.
He waited until Gwen eventually calmed down from her crying before he continued.
"Look, maybe we should go to the hospital and talk to a professional," he said.
Gwen's eyes shot open at that, and she took a step back from him. "What?"
"I'm just saying. It could help you if you at least had a professional to-" but Gwen cut him off.
"No! Absolutely not!" Gwen insisted firmly.
"But-"
"If you dare sending me to a doctor, then I won't hesitate to run away again," Gwen exclaimed.
The second she realized what she had just said, her eyes widened and her breathing hitched. His eyes were wide in terror, and he had nothing left to say to her.
Gwen wanted to say something. Obviously 'no dad, I'm sorry. I would never run off again. I swear, I'm sorry' would have been, not only fitting, but also true from her heart. But she could not open her lips, and instead looked away and walked back to her room, lightly shutting the door.
Gwen sat down on her bed and held her pillow tightly in her arms, trying to comprehend what just happened.
'Oh my God,' Gwen thought. 'I'm a monster.'
She felt absolutely terrible about the entire conversation. Her harsh and terrifying words, the look on his face. Oh God, she couldn't forget the way he looked at her, as if his nightmare was finally coming true.
All of this started because she caused for their relationship to break, and he had to be the one to fix it. This time she did it again, and even worse. Everything Gwen touched eventually turned to dust and slipped away from her fingers.
Her hands were balled into fists as she tried to control her anger.
'How could I? How could I do this to him again?' She kept on repeating in her head.
She could only imagine, what he was doing right now. Sitting on the couch, feeling like a failure of a father and blaming himself when Gwen knew that he was far from being responsible for anything.
It was all Gwen, it was all just her, and she couldn't bear the thought of him feeling like this. Gwen could no longer handle seeing him so sad and lost every time she rejected his offer for a meal.
And the next thought was something that she already hated with every fibre of her being, and it was probably a result of her not thinking clearly, but it was going to be just for him. She was going to do this not for herself, but for him. The thought alone made her sick and panic and it made her want to cry as well, but things needed to be done.
For the sake of her dad, she would start eating meals with him again.