Chapter 1
Whenever Gwen thought about her past actions, her self-hatred only increased. It was a constant mental battle that would never find its end. Voices in her head telling her that she murdered Peter, that she ruined her relationship with her father, that she didn’t deserve being Spider-Woman, that she didn’t deserve Miles’ forgiveness, and so much more.
At first, it was easier to ignore them. After the fight with Spot was over, Miles’ father was saved, and everything had been sorted out with Miles and Miguel, Gwen decided to just push the reset button and start anew, especially now that Miles had forgiven them, too.
But as time passed by, Gwen could fight off those thoughts less and less. They started out quite minor. First, it was doubts whether she deserved Miles’ forgiveness or not. Truth being told, she was not the only one with those doubts.
“His heart is too pure for this world,’’ Peter B. said out of nowhere as he was staring at Miles, who was happily talking to Pavitr and Hobie.
Gwen only stared at Peter, because she knew exactly what he was talking about.
She released a loud sigh, moved her gaze towards Miles, and said, “yeah, I know.’’
Peter also released a sigh and kissed the top of Mayday’s head. Gwen realized that this was something he did whenever he was stressed out and he needed comfort. Mayday looked up at him with her magnificent smile and caressed his face while babbling something nonsensical, understanding that her father was in a bad mood.
Gwen smiled at the beautiful view, but she could still feel the heavy weight in her chest. Peter’s words just wouldn’t leave her mind.
She was angry at Miles. Angry, because he accepted her apology right on the spot with an understanding smile. Angry, because he was too kind to her when she – and everybody else for that matter – knew that they were undeserving of his forgiveness. Angry, because he tightly held her in his arms, and refused to let go until she verbally accepted his forgiveness.
But ever since that moment, the first voice appeared in her mind, repeating the same damn thing over and over again.
“You don’t deserve his forgiveness.’’
As heart wrenching as that thought was, it was still kind of manageable. She could talk about it with Peter from time to time. She could still push it aside and remain optimistic about her brand-new start, because they were finally a team now, with Miles also having a place in it.
They would fight villains, meet up at the HQ, prank Miguel, and visit each other in their universes, too.
It was nearly perfect. Nearly.
It would be during times when Gwen and Miles would be childishly running around the HQ, knocking off several Spider-Men along the way while trying to catch one another. Miles would catch her and hold her towards his chest as the two would be laughing. Then Gwen would look into Miles’ sparkling eyes, and it would feel like a punch to her gut.
Miles, a boy way too good for Gwen hanging out with her even though she knew very well that she didn’t deserve it. Her mood would sour immediately, but she tried hiding it from Miles, yet she was sure that at times he was aware of it.
*
As difficult as it was, Gwen was slowly – yet steadily – rebuilding and mending her broken relationship to her dad. Neither had tried to voice their attempt at fixing things, yet both were willing to patch things up. It resulted at times to pretty awkward conversations and moments of silence, but it was better than whatever it was before.
It was in the small things. When George was watching Football one Friday evening, Gwen decided to silently sit down next to him. No words were spoken as their eyes were focused on the TV.
They sat like that for a while until George stood up and walked towards the fridge returning with vanilla ice cream. Gwen was shocked, but masked her surprised reaction and accepted the ice cream with a smile. They continued watching and eating in silence until he started talking.
“I remember the first and last time I ever played Football,’’ he said.
Gwen, surprised by him trying to start a conversation with her, looked up at him.
“Really? When?’’ she asked.
“In high school. I tried impressing a girl I liked in math class. She had a thing for guys who played football, so I wanted to try it out. Five minutes into the game and I broke three fingers,’’ he told while slightly smirking.
Gwen also chuckled at that. “And when was the last time?’’ she asked.
“That was the last time. I did it once, and never tried it again. You would do anything to avoid that kind of humiliation. Especially 'cause it happened in front of her *and* in front of the whole school,’’ he said.
Gwen laughed out at that, her father laughing along with her.
“To be honest, I don’t know anything when it comes to football,’’ Gwen said.
“I know that the finger and hand bones are the most commonly broken bones,’’ he told.
They continued laughing, and Gwen relished in the feeling of bliss. This was the most easy-going the two had been in what felt like forever. And it felt great, sitting here eating ice cream with her father and having a light-hearted conversation.
And suddenly the thought hit like a train, the fact that their relationship was broken in the first place because of her. It cut off her breath, and for a moment, Gwen stared blankly at the TV.
“Gwen, you okay?’’ her father asked worriedly when he noticed a sudden change in her demeanor.
Gwen was taken back by hearing his voice and said: “O-oh, yeah. Everything’s okay. I just remembered that I haven’t practiced the new song for the band, yet.’’
She could see that he believed her and didn’t suspect anything, as he smiled and patted her shoulder.
“Ahh, don’t stress yourself. You’re a fast learner when it comes to your drums,’’ he assured her.
Gwen smiled, even if it was a painfully forced smile.
“Yeah,’’ Gwen said, and left it at that.
Because, yeah, not only was she the one who ruined everything, it was him that attempted mending it first. A part of her mind said that those thoughts are completely irrational, but her insecurities are stronger than her logical thinking.
However, Gwen tried remaining positive, so she pushed those thoughts away and continued spending the evening with her dad until she was too tired. But even though she was tired, it took her a while until she fell asleep because her thoughts were keeping her awake.
"You ruin everything that everyone else has put back together."
*
It was just a minor incident where she slipped up during a mission, or at least, the others would claim that it was minor. Gwen more so struggled accepting minor slip ups. She didn't web up the bad guy well enough, causing for him to quickly breaking free and for Peter to catch him.
“Guys,’’ Gwen sighed in disappointment. Disappointment towards herself. “I am so sorry.’’
“What are you talking about? We still did it,’’ Miles tried cheering her up, but his comforting words failed to reach her, yet she still smiled at him so he wouldn’t worry too much. She didn't want to put that burden on him.
But when Gwen lay awake at night staring at the ceiling in her bedroom, her doubts over her abilities as Spider-Woman wouldn’t let her rest. If she couldn't even do something as simple as webbing up the bad guy then why should she continue doing this job anyway?
'Why was Miguel even keeping me in the team?' Gwen kept asking herself.
She knew that she was overthinking and exaggerating this whole situation. Slip ups could happen all the time. But as of lately – and Gwen wasn’t even consciously aware of it – she was beating herself up more and more over the smallest things.
“I can’t do anything right,’’ Gwen bitterly said through clenched teeth after she accidentally hit the rim of her drum during band practice.
Gwen’s band mates were shocked and speechless as they stared at her with wide eyes, not expecting her to react at something so small so angrily.
“It’s okay, let’s just start again,’’ Betty said, hoping that her answer could calm Gwen down and not irritate her anymore than she already was.
And not only was Gwen beating herself up over anything, but she also lost that optimism in her. The hope she once had at trying to have a new start kept fading away.
*
It was the same nightmare she’d been having ever since his death, only a little different this time. Peter’s body, all bruised, bloody and battered lying on the ground right in front of her as Gwen tried to somehow help him. Her whole body was shaking as she realized that nothing could be done to help.
“No, no, no, no,’’ Gwen hyperventilated as her shaky hands were trying to stop the bleeding.
Peter was crying from all the excruciating pain, and Gwen felt like she was about to faint. This could not be happening.
“Why Gwen?’’ Peter choked out. “Why...’’
Gwen woke up, tears pouring down her cheeks, and sweat covering her forehead and hair. She could barely breathe, and it took her a moment until she could eventually make out the darkness of her room.
“Peter,’’ Gwen whispered, not finding the words to say.
'I’m so sorry.'
Gwen let herself fall back onto her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling wide awake. Sleep was no longer an option, as her mind kept her fully awake with hateful mantras.
'You murdered Peter.'
'You don’t deserve to be Spider-Woman.'
'You ruined your relationship to your father.'
'You don’t deserve Miles’ forgiveness.'
'You can’t do anything right.'
“Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up!’’ Gwen let out frustrated, as she kept on hitting her head with her fingers trying to quite her mind.
It was unbearably exhausting listening to those voices in her head, especially after a nightmare like this. For a while, she was able to keep them in the back of her mind during the day. But once nighttime would come around, the voices grew louder and more aggressive. They weren’t unfamiliar voices. It was her own voice, and that made it more difficult to handle.
Nobody said anything to her. It was only Gwen.
Through the years, Gwen made many enemies thanks to her job as Spider-Woman. Yet, the one thing she learned was that she was her own biggest enemy. And it didn’t help that this was an enemy she didn’t know how to fight off.
Gwen took a look at her phone and saw that it was five in the morning. Bitterly realizing that sleep was out of the question, she decided that taking a patrol around the city might help taking her mind off things.
Being in the air was always such a refreshing feeling for Gwen. It made her feel free and carefree like a child. And even right now, as the sun was beginning to rise, Gwen felt some of the worry leaving her body.
But as Gwen sat down on one of the rooftops and stared at the city, Her mind made room for her nightmare and she felt a sudden stinging pain in her chest.
“Shit,’’ Gwen muttered through clenched teeth, as she held her hand up to her chest, trying to somehow ease the pain.
Her breathing was uneven, and her eyes were blurry. In fact, her whole body was shaking, and her hands were becoming numb.
Calm down, Gwen. Just calm down.
It took Gwen a while. Five minutes? Ten minutes? Twenty Minutes? She didn’t know, but eventually, her breathing was no longer rigid, her chest pain was gone, and her body was no longer shaking.
“What is wrong with me?’’ Gwen kept questioning herself, scared because she had never felt this bad before.
Sure, after Peter’s death, Gwen had spent most of her time deservingly - or at least she thought she deserved it - blaming and hating herself for what she did. For the life she took. She had isolated herself, and it had only been through meeting Miles and Peter B. that she had, at least only a little bit, gotten better.
But now it felt like it has gotten worse than it had previously been. No amount of trying of starting new seemed to help. The conflict was resolved, the arguments had been solved, and their friendship was now better than before.
Yet, Gwen could not explain to herself what the hell was going on with her. She felt sick inside out, and no matter how hard she tried fixing this, nothing would help. It actually felt like she was only getting sicker.
Her mind would not shut off, her self-deprecation was getting more intense as the days passed by, and most importantly, Gwen started despising the person she was seeing in the mirror. By now, it had gotten uncontrollable.
And the others had started seeing changes in her personality as well. She was quieter, as if she were too much in her head. She would barely react to their conversations or jokes, neither would she participate in their conversations, nor would she joke herself anymore.
But nobody thought of bringing that up. It came along with the job of being a crime fighting spider-themed vigilante. Witnessing someone’s death or having several near-death experiences was expected to cause some emotional damage.
Gwen closed her eyes, took a deep breath and listened to the sound of the traffic. It was spring as the snow had already completely melted and flowers started blooming in the parks. And even though it was still pretty cold outside, which was obvious on Gwen’s flushed face, the sound of the traffic, the cold breeze on her face and the rising sun illuminating her face made her feel at peace.
For a while, Gwen didn’t move and just relished in the momentary peace. Surprisingly enough, her mind let her rest for the moment, and maybe it wasn’t safe to fall asleep on top of a roof without her mask on, but with how tired Gwen was, she couldn’t help but doze off.
'Five minutes,' Gwen thought to herself.
*
The moment Gwen woke up she realized she must have slept for several hours as the morning sky now looked like it was around noon. The moment she realized this, she jolted awake, put her mask back on and immediately swung back home, hoping her father would not be waiting for her.
"Geez," Gwen spluttered out. "Five minutes feels like forever."
Despite the sleep, Gwen was still exhausted, and wanted nothing more than curling up in her bed and sleep it all off. She nearly crashed against several buildings along the way home, whenever her eyes would flutter close for around half a second.
“Woah,’’ Gwen screamed out the first time she nearly hit that skyscraper, reminding her of the first few times she was trying to swing when she had first gotten her web shooters.
The moment she arrived back home, her father was getting prepared to leave for work. She took a look at the clock and saw that it was already noon.
'Shit, for how long was I gone?'
When he heard sound coming from behind, he didn’t turn around – already knowing that it was Gwen – and put on his jacket.
“Oh, hey Gwen, I have to leave already. Eat something if you haven’t yet,’’ he said.
The second he looked at her, he saw how unwell his daughter looked, and worriedly walked up to her.
“Everything alright, Gwen? Do you need me to stay home?’’ He asked in concern as he took in her weak look. But Gwen only shook her head.
“No, no. I just- I just need to sleep. That’s all. You don’t have to stay,’’ Gwen answered truthfully.
She could read the doubt on his face very clearly, but it seemed like he was worried of saying something that could potentially set her off. It just started going well for them.
“Are you sure? You know, I can stay home if you need me to. At least let me cook something for you before I leave,’’ he questioned.
“No, no. I really just need some sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep in a while. Do you still have some of those sleep masks? I could really use one right now.’’
*
The truth was Gwen was actually quite hungry, thanks to her super-fast metabolism, but being dead-tired, it was far from being her priority.
She had put on an eye mask for sleep, gotten back into her pajamas, closed her blinds and went to bed. Sleep came immediately, fortunately. This time there were no dreams, and maybe it was better this way.
And maybe, Gwen should have actually eaten something before going to sleep. It wouldn’t have helped fixing her emotional struggles, but at least maybe, it could have saved her from her longest and most difficult battle.
But who could imagine that such a minor decision could affect someone’s life so tremendously?
Not even grown-up Gwen could believe it, and no matter how much she tried to make any sense out of it, she could not find the answer to that.