Piecing Together Life Again
It has started pouring heavily. There are thick clouds above and dark green thunderclouds below, casting the entire sky in a dim grey hue. I stare at the window for a moment. Just for a moment though. I turn away from the window and walk over to my desk.
In a drawer, I keep some of the books I need for work, and I pull the first book out of the stack before sitting down in front of my computer and clicking on the mouse. After a minute or two, the cursor disappears from the screen. I sigh softly and turn around in my seat, grabbing my pen and notebook, I start scribbling down notes on the pages. Soon enough I finish writing down the notes. I close my notebook and set it aside, before opening my laptop. My fingers hover over the keyboard nervously. After a couple of moments I press enter. Nothing happens. Again. I try pressing it again, but still nothing happens.
"Shit..." I mutter.
After getting frustrated, I turn the monitor off completely and get up from my seat. With one hand still holding my phone, I make my way back to my chair and plop back down. I turn the monitor back on and try to type in one last message. After struggling with it for a few moments I give up.
"What the hell?!" I whisper angrily under my breath, tossing the device to the side.
My shoulders slump forward as I look at the empty screen and suddenly I feel incredibly tired. Why am I even trying to stay awake at night if I'm just gonna fall asleep at work? What's wrong with me?! Why is everything so hard today?!
All I can do right now is sleep. But maybe I'll be lucky if I wake up in the morning. Or at least early in the afternoon. I decide to call it a night. I'll get an early start tomorrow morning. I just hope things will turn out okay for once. I'll just have to rely on myself to fix whatever problem I might encounter. I'll deal with whatever is going on tomorrow when it comes.
With heavy eyes and an exhausted face, I push myself away from my desk and stand up. Slowly, I stumble over to my bed and collapse onto it. My body relaxes instantly. It doesn't take long for my eyelids to get heavy and shortly after, my breathing has evened out. I drift off into a deep sleep.
I wake up about twenty minutes before the alarm goes off, so I decide to wait until it does before attempting to get up and leave my bedroom. Unfortunately, I manage to wake up too late. The clock reads 6:00. I rub my eyes and try to clear away the exhaustion that keeps them shut. After I've succeeded at doing so, I drag myself out of bed and stretch my arms high above my head, letting out a loud yawn.
The sun streams through the blinds, giving the room a warm glow. I look at my phone and notice I haven't checked in with my mother yet. Well, no point in waking up early if she's not up already. So instead, I get ready and head downstairs. I walk into the kitchen. To my suprise, Lily is already up. Her hair is neatly tucked behind her ears and she looks relatively well rested compared to last night. She seems to be enjoying her breakfast and reading her magazine. She doesn't bother acknowledging my presence.
Once I reach the fridge, I open up the door and peer inside. A half full carton of milk sits on top of its usual place. Next to it is a bottle of orange juice. I take out the orange and twist the cap open. Suddenly, Lily raises her head and glances at me. She blinks several times and then turns back to her magazine. I pour some juice into my glass and make my way back to the table. Once I'm sitting down, she continues ignoring me, but I ignore her as well, continuing to eat my toast.
About fifteen minutes pass and she decides it's safe enough to talk.
"Did you sleep all right?" She asks, still staring straight ahead.
I shrug.
"Pretty much." I reply quietly.
Silence stretches out between us, only interrupted by the sound of forks against plates. Lily starts to fidget with the ends of her skirt while I continue eating my toast. Every few seconds, I check my phone for any notifications.
When I feel like I'm finally done eating, I gather my empty plate and fork into my hands and begin making my way to the sink. Lily watches me as I clean my dishes quietly. When I turn round, she still hasn't looked away from her magazine.
After washing the dishes, I rinse them carefully under cold water to get rid of the food residue before putting them back in the dishwasher. While I'm washing the dishes, Lily looks up again and meets my gaze.
"You want some coffee?" She asks.
"No." I reply calmly.
She nods her head and goes back to flipping through her magazine. After finishing cleaning up, I dry my hands on a nearby towel before walking towards the fridge again. As I look through the various condiments I put on my counter, I hear footsteps approaching the fridge from behind me. Without looking at her, I grab a carton of apple juice before closing the fridge and turning around.
"Is something wrong?" She asks.
"Nothing." I respond as I lean against the refrigerator.
"Are you sure?" She asks with slight concern.
I nod my head again. I really didn't want to worry her. Besides, she doesn't seem worried, she seems more curious.
"How are you feeling?" She asks.
"Fine." I respond simply.
There's a moment of silence between us where we just stare at each other, unsure of what else to say. After a second, I go over to the couch and flop down on the cushions.
"Do you want to talk?" Lily offers eventually.
I hesitate briefly, before shaking my head.
She stares for a second, then shakes her head too. We sit there together in silence again for a few minutes until I stand up.
"So I guess I'll go now." I tell her.
"Yeah." She replies, nodding.
I turn towards her and glance at her briefly. She looks pretty normal considering the situation she has been through, but then again she usually does anyway. Still, something seems off today. She looks different. Her expression seems strained and tense. I guess since she isn't feeling well, it's understandable why. I should probably do something to help her. I mean, if something were to happen to her, I'd feel terrible. And I wouldn't blame her in the slightest. But I'm not entirely certain I could help her if she did end up getting hurt. Although that would certainly change everything. Then again, I could just forget that I ever said anything. I don't have anything to lose anyways so I guess I could. Plus, I'm positive she doesn't want to get rid of me that badly anyway.
She says good bye to me as I go back to my room and I smile slightly. At least she isn't being stubborn, she's just being a nice person. Even if she doesn't want someone to care about her, it's still a very nice gesture. That makes sense, I suppose. People who don't want people to care for them tend to be rather selfish. Especially those who want to remain in solitude. They're not exactly the best company.
A few minutes later I get changed and brush my teeth. After taking a shower, I slip into the dark grey hoodie I bought last month. It fits perfectly and it smells like freshly washed laundry. I don't know exactly why I bought this hoodie though. Maybe it was just something about the colour and how soft it feels. Regardless, I love this hoodie. It's almost as good as all the dark green sweaters I own. Now that I think about it, if I weren't such a lazy bum I could actually be quite happy living at home... Maybe, if I wasn't so obsessed with being a rebellious delinquent, I could enjoy more peaceful lives. Yeah, that sounds like a great plan! Except I'd need to find a job soon to get the hell out of this house and get a place of my own. It should probably be easy. I do have a doctorate in physics afterall. I could work almost anywhere I wanted. I just need to put together a resume and a job application, a professional one at that. After that it's just a matter of applying for jobs online or sending an email to places where I can apply without having to go out in public. It shouldn't be a big issue. Of course, it depends on what kind of employers I have. If they accept me, then I should be able to get accepted wherever I want to work. But if they don't, then I guess there's no harm in leaving my dream of working for NASA behind. That doesn't change the fact that I won't be happy living in this house anymore. It doesn't really matter though whether or not I live here permanently because I have nowhere else to go anyway. This house is like my home already. No way am I leaving anytime soon. After all, it has been home since I was born. This place has become part of my heart.
I pull out my laptop from underneath my bed. I start typing away. I'm typing a quick application form when I suddenly stop. There's nothing I want to submit. What do I even want to submit? I mean, there aren't many jobs that offer pay that will suit me. I think for a second before coming up blank. Why don't I just send something generic and give it away? Like, 'I wish for an opportunity in your field of endeavor.' Something like that. Yeah, why not? I'm not going to do anything about it, anyway. I just need something simple and simple only. Nothing flashy. Not that I mind the flashy stuff, but if I want anyone to understand the concept of being serious, then I need something that I can keep. So if I send an average application, it should suffice. It won't take too long for me to get an answer back though. Hopefully, by the time I receive the email, it won't be too late.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I glance at the screen and am immediately suprised. It's a text from Darcy. I quickly read through it. The message reads:
"hey you wanna hang out tonight? i want to catch up more"
I quickly type back:
"ok cool cool ill see you tonight at 6"
After hitting 'send' and locking my phone, I throw myself onto my bed and lie on my stomach. I lay there for a few minutes, thinking back on what happened yesterday. It seemed so real at first. It still does. I've never felt this alive in my entire life. My brain keeps flashing images in front of me, like pictures taken out of frames and replaying them in my head. I remember every detail of it, even though it feels like it was all a dream. It was definitely real though. I've never felt like that with anybody before. I'm not quite sure how to describe what I feel inside except to say I can't describe it. It's a little hard to explain. I mean, I guess I don't have to try. After all, I've experienced it firsthand. But somehow, it felt different. For example, whenever you meet new people, you always feel comfortable. You're excited about meeting them, eager to make friends with them. It's a weird feeling. It feels like something's missing and you know why you feel the way you do. But it also feels like you belong. That you're needed in everyone else's world. But then you realise that you might just be completely useless and useless things can't count. But it doesn't really matter, because you still feel connected with others. But right now it feels as if I'm disconnected and lonely. I feel numb and empty like an empty shell. I guess I just need to let it pass and I'm sure eventually, things will return to normal. However, I can't help but notice that things haven't really gotten back to normal. Sure, it's probably only temporary and I'll eventually feel better, but I also don't think I can get used to living here. I think I prefer being outside. At least that way, it feels real. The fact that the house feels more real than anywhere else I've ever lived doesn't matter either. Maybe I should consider moving out. It can't be that bad. I mean, it's just a house. Right? Besides, I need the money. Besides, I don't think anyone would miss me... Would they? Probably not. I'm not stupid. It makes sense, after all.