Chapter 1
The day was overcast and gloomy. Leaves danced in the gentle gusts of wind as they fall from the trees. The mansion was getting decorated for Halloween. Even though there were never trick-or-treaters Kurt just absolutely loved the idea of decorating and having candy around the house. As he teleported around the house hanging fake cobwebs and tattered fabrics over the dining room chairs he couldn’t help but feel a pang of nostalgia. It had been over a year since Rogue left the mansion to live in the city and go to college. He understood her desire to learn more about things the professors here couldn’t teach but he wished she would visit more often. Rogue was a great student these days, at least from what she told him, and he was certain she was focusing on her degree and her extracurriculars.
As the professor rounded the corner and found Kurt staring off into space looking forlorn he cleared his throat to alert Kurt of his presence. Kurt looked up and gave a weak smile. “Sorry professor, I was just-”
“Missing Rogue, and no, I did not have to read your mind to be able to tell that.” He gave a knowing smile.
Kurt sighed “You’re right, it’s just that she had just started to warm up and we were getting close and then she left.”
“I understand Kurt, but you understand that you are welcome to visit her just as well as she is able to visit here.”
“She is busy with her studies and I don’t want to ruin that for her.”
“That is very considerate of you Kurt, but I’m sure she misses you too. Just something to consider” The professor left Kurt to be with his thoughts once more.
The professor was right, Kurt thought, but what if she got mad at him. What if he traveled all that way and she didn’t have time for him, or want to see him. He signed and returned to decorating if only a little less spirited about it.
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In the city, Rogue emerged from one of the many subway stations. With a single gloved hand outstretched, she pushed her way past the crowd heading in the opposite direction. She had lived on campus for her first year, but now she was living in an apartment off campus. This allowed for more freedom and space, both of which she appreciated.
The irony of moving to one of the most densely populated cities to get her space was not lost on her There was an undeniable freedom in the sleepless city. Able to come and go wherever you want, whenever you want. There was something to do at all hours of the day or night, so many unique fashions and people to watch. Many stores were already decorating for the winter holidays, signaling that it was time to start shopping.
She walked down the street, bag slung over one shoulder, and her coat trailing behind her. She could see her breath from time to time and was thankful for the drop in temperature. It gave her an excuse to cover up without drawing attention to herself. While she did enjoy the fall and winter seasons, if she was honest with herself, she was more of a summer girl. Call it nostalgia, but she loved the feeling of the sun on her shoulders, of sticking her feet into a pool, the gentle breeze cooling you off from time to time. A gust of wind kicked up, prodding her to walk faster, eager to get home to the warmth of her blankets.
It was only early October, and yet she thought of returning to the mansion for fall break. She knew Kurt and Kitty would be happy to see her, as would Logan, but he'd never admit that. She thought of Storm and Professor McCoy. Jean and Scott were likely spending the holiday with her family. It was at the point in their relationship where they would be integrating into each other's families. An activity she was sure she could never experience due to her very complicated relationship with her mothers. She still hadn't forgiven Mystique for her previous transgressions.
She arrived at her apartment building and checked her mail. Nothing but garbage as always; advertisements, mail for the previous tenant, and letters that were likely scams. As she tossed it all in the waste bin, she looked at the bulletin board to see if anything interesting had been posted. She saw a new flier for an anti-mutant protest that was scheduled in the coming days. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching and tore it off, tossing it in the trash can with the rest of the garbage before she called the elevator.
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Three weeks earlier
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Rogue entered her apartment, kicked her shoes off, and tossed her bag on the couch. She went to the fridge to get something to snack on before starting her homework. A quick nap crossed her mind, but she decided against it for now. She made a simple sandwich and began to eat when an email notification on her phone grabbed her attention.
She pulled her phone from her back pocket and opened the email. It was from a doctors office she had been conversing with about a potential and experimental cure for her mutation.
She had first heard of the possibility of a cure before graduating high school. With increasing anti-mutant sentiments and safety concerns, there were those who proposed another solution. Rogue didn't like the idea of anyone monitoring her, but the temptation of not having to worry about touching someone was alluring. She had seen countless romances on campus, people holding hands, making out at parties—things she'd lied to herself about not wanting. Resentment grew within her as she realized what she was missing.
The email read, "Miss Darkholme, we are happy to inform you that we are now accepting new candidates and, if you are still interested, can schedule an appointment for you to meet with the doctor. Please let us know a convenient day and time, and we will accommodate you. Discretion is one of our top priorities, and your identity will remain confidential. We look forward to helping you live the life you deserve."
The life she deserved. It was challenging to accept that she deserved happiness, to be touched, loved, and to let down her emotional barriers. It had taken years for her to let Kurt and Kitty in, and they were still at arm's length. They knew her well, and they were some of the only ones who could make her laugh. She'd also realized that she loved to laugh.
Rogue finished her sandwich and emptied her bag. She pulled out her art supplies, her assigned reading, and her laptop. She had two more drawings to finish and a paper to write for her sociology class, which was her chosen major. If she couldn't get close to people physically or emotionally, she could learn about them. She had also chosen a minor in drawing. She had also been encouraged by Storm and Jean to find ways to artistically express her emotions and after cycling though poetry, writing, dance, and music she found herself always coming back to doodling. Through the evening, she finished one drawing, started her paper, and dozed off on the couch.
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The next morning, Rogue awoke at 4 am. Surprisingly well-rested, she must have crashed at around 8 pm. She was a heavy sleeper anyway, so it didn't shock her that she slept uninterrupted. Deciding to make use of her early start, she changed into her workout clothes and headed to the apartment fitness center.
Although she wasn't training for combat, she felt a strong drive to stay in shape, to remain strong and alert. Sometimes, she imagined Logan telling her, "Two more reps, kid," to motivate herself. She wrapped up her workout with some light yoga to unwind, then headed back upstairs to shower. When she checked her phone after the shower, it was still a quarter till 6 am. There was so much time before she had to be out. Feeling antsy, she decided to take her bag and go to a nearby park. New York City didn't have many, but they were easily accessible by public transportation.
After a bus ride, she found herself sitting on a park bench, watching the world move around her. She checked her watch again, 7:55 am. She had a therapy appointment at 9, followed by classes for the rest of the day. She had been seeing her therapist for four months now, and it had been a challenge at first, but she began to look forward to her sessions. She felt like she was learning how to open up, let people in, and "find joy," as her therapist put it. Rogue took this time to practice her drawing by sketching the pigeons on the fence. Their constant movement proved challenging, but she told herself it was good practice.
At around 8:30, she packed up her things and caught the next train headed up north to both her therapist's office and her campus. Four blocks west and three blocks north, she arrived at the private practice of Emma Frost LMHC. Rogue pressed the buzzer and waited for the attendant.
"Name?" the attendant asked.
"Uhh... Darkholme, I'm Frost's 9 am," Rogue replied. It still made her uncomfortable to use her legal name, but it was something she was working on. The door buzzed, signaling that it was now unlocked, and she went inside. The office was inviting, warm even. The chairs were comfy, the art was tasteful, and the sound of white noise filled the room, drowning out any noise that might drift out for others to hear.
Rogue didn't wait long before Ms. Frost's door opened to reveal her and a young man. "Thank you, Ms. Fr—err…Emma," the young man said.
"You're welcome, dear. See you next week?" Emma replied.
"Of course," the young man said before leaving, kindly pretending not to notice Rogue sitting on the couch. Emma gave Rogue a warm smile.
.
“You ready?” Emma greeted. Rogue nodded and entered her room. “How have your last two weeks been?” Emma asked, closing the door behind them.
“Alright,” Rogue said “Been pretty busy with school and haven’t had much time for a social life. Especially with my…handicap” Emma knew that Rogue was a mutant, and offered a safe place to discuss her struggles with such. Emma had told Rogue in the beginning of their relationship that she believed mental health and happiness was something everyone should have, regardless.
“Are you still considering seeing that clinic with the experimental treatment?” Rogue shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
“Maybe, Ah got an email the other day sayin’ Ah was approved for an appointment.”
Emma gave a warm smile “And how do you feel about this news? Are you ready to let go of your mutation?” Rogue was conflicted. She would be letting go of a pretty big part of her, but she had learned that letting go of the past was important too.
“I suppose ah feel… Conflicted. Being a mutant gave me the family I have now… but it also took my first one away. I never would have seen the things Ah’ve seen, helped the people Ah’ve helped without it.”
“But…?” Emma said.
“But I just want to know what it’s like to hold hands, to have mah hair braided, to kiss someone without putting them in a coma.” Emma nodded
“Speaking of which” Emma gave an impish grin. “How have things been going with that young man in your class?”
Rogue had captured the attention of a few boys on campus but only one approached her. He waited through her aloof and distant nature saying it was okay if they were just friends but she knew he wanted more sooner rather than later.
Her eyes downcast in a shade of disappointment. “Ah think I’m going to tell him I’m not going to be ready for a relationship anytime soon.”
“Have you asked him what he wants? Or are you just trying to be the one to hurt yourself rather than letting him?” Rogue was despondent and let the air remain silent for a moment before she made a weak attempt at changing the subject.
The two spent the next hour discussing Rogue’s thoughts, memories, and goals with Emma offering guidance. She working on helping her forgive herself for being so distant, for being cruel to those who cared about her, for building a wall around herself and letting herself take it down. Rogue felt a sense of relief telling someone about all the small things that have built up. To be safe, and seen.
“That’s our time.” Emma said “What will you do for the next two weeks?”
“Rogue stood up from the couch “Likely focus on school, and try to spend more time doing things for me.”
“Good.” Emma smiled. “And do you think you will see Dr. Adler’s office?” Rogue paused for a moment.
“No, I don’t think Ah will just yet, Ah still need more time to decide.” Emma nodded and bid Rogue farewell. With no other patients to see Emma locked the door behind her and unlocked her phone. She dialed a recently called number and waited for the phone to stop ringing. She heard the line pick up and immediately said “She is not taking the bait as eagerly as I thought. We will have to move to plan B.”